Envious (26 page)

Although a part of me wanted to break the cycle, another part thought of it as an advantage. In a world full of lies and manipulation, I could now survive. Naïveté would not be my downfall.

Friday night. Party night. The first week back in school would be the biggest party, save for the
last
week, I would think. The first week of classes had gone by smoothly. There were no surprises. I hadn’t run into Eric very much. He had assumed the life of an art student. In other words, he now “lived” in the art building. They always spent hours upon hours in there doing homework or going to class. I wanted desperately to go in there and see what was so captivating. I always did my homework in the library or in my room. Why would the majority of them stay there?

My classes were not as lonely as I expected them to be. I had no friends in them, but neither did anyone else. Everyone kept to themselves, which made class time very boring but very comfortable too, because everyone was an outsider.

I ran into Aurora twice. She was friendly and only passing by, probably scared of an altercation. I could see her jealousy. She was upset I had left her room and she wanted me to stay away from Eric. It was strange how well I knew her. I had already known her for years, but now that I’d been having visions, I knew her even better.

I walked through the mall, shopping. I needed something new that would make me feel pretty and not at all burned. I still couldn’t get that feeling out of my mind. That feeling of ultimate helplessness, dying before a crowd. A
cheering
crowd. I got a new blouse, my only blouse. It was black with dark red flowers on it: a very sophisticated and sexy design. The cut had…I don’t know what to call it…swag or something to it, with extra fabric at the neck to hang loosely above my breasts. The sleeves were cut at the shoulders and hung in pieces down to my elbow.

When I returned to my room, I quickly changed and looked myself over in the mirror. The store mirrors hadn’t lied much. I looked a little thinner at home, but the shirt still made me look good. I touched up my makeup, adding more dark eyeliner above and below. I took out the soft, bronze eyeshadow Aurora had given to me last semester and laid it on with care. I applied new blush to my pale cheeks and tinted lip gloss I had just purchased. Then I moved on to my hair.

My hair. I never paid much attention to it. Based on how much it hated me from day to day, I would wear it up or down. I took my blow-dryer and curling iron to my dry hair and got it mostly where I wanted it. I put it half up with a slight curl at the ends. I left two pieces of hair hanging over my forehead, and with a little curl around them, too.

After I had perfected my hair, I took a second look in the mirror and undid all of my hard work. It looked terrible, so I fluffed it a little with my hand. It actually looked better being slightly messy, kinda curly, kinda wavy and wild around my face and down my back.

Bailey walked into the room. “Hey, you look good. Is it all for the party?”

“Uh…no. Not really.”

She shrugged at my answer and lay down on her bed. “Those shoes don’t go with that,” she said, pointing at my black flats. “What size feet?”

“Um, seven.”

“Oh, sorry, I can’t help you then. I’m a six. Isn’t it funny how many people are an eight, and here are two girls that aren’t.”

Ooookay. Someone doesn’t know how to make conversation.

“You have to go to the art gallery. There’s a great exhibit,” she added, recovering from her last strange comment.

“What’s there?”

“Photos of castles. It’s pretty cool.”

There was a short knock on the door before Aurora entered looking sweet as usual. “Sandy, hi.” Then she awkwardly threw her arms around me. “I miss my old roommate! Come back, please!”

I stared at her, unsure of what to say. Bailey broke in, “Well, I’m not giving her up. Sorry, but she’s staying.” Then she flashed Aurora a bright smile, full of gleaming white teeth. I was amazed, and relieved. Before Bailey spoke up, I had almost agreed, just out of pure habit.

“Sandy,” Aurora said, cocking her head at me. “Can we talk? I want to tell you not to feel guilty about Eric. You didn’t h-”

“Aurora, I was actually just leaving,” I lied. I didn’t want Bailey hearing all about our problems, and I really didn’t want to hear it either.

“Eric’s not going to the party.”

I searched her eyes. Why would she tell me that? Did she think that’s why I was dressed nice? Then she added, “So you can feel comfortable going tonight. You don’t have to worry about running into him. He told me you seemed uncomfortable around him.” I tucked my new black suede coat under my arm.

I told her that. I hadn’t even spoken to Eric.
“Uh, thanks,” I said as I turned to leave. I looked back and I could have sworn she smirked at me.

Having actually nowhere to go, I went to the art gallery. I stepped inside, free from the cold. My steps echoed loudly as I walked across the shining wood floor. Everything seemed so bright in there. Light reflected off the white walls and white ceiling, bringing brightness into every corner. I looked around and saw that I was the only person there. I smiled, happy that I could hide out there for as long as I wanted. I stepped up to the closest picture. It was right behind a tall desk with a computer and donation cup on it. I hesitantly stuffed a dollar in the jar. I had always been a sucker for those things.

The photo was of a large, gray castle sitting up on a hill. The grass was not what I expected. From what I could see of the other pictures, they were either in black and white or they had bright green grass coating the landscape. But the grass in this picture was a slightly grayed yellow. The castle fit into the misty landscape well. It gave me a sense of familiarity. It was only ruins really. The rock was crumbling and some of the wall had fallen. There was a gaping hole where the door should have been. I wanted a closer look. The photo was not titled. The castle reminded me of someplace I’d been… I looked away, shuddering.

“Wow,” I heard a voice behind me. “You must really like that one. Most people just pass by it.” I turned and saw Eric taking a seat at the tall desk directly behind me. His eyebrows raised when he saw my face and realized it was me, but he quickly shook off the surprised look. He looked away awkwardly, face burning red. I wished I had known he worked there. I would never have set foot inside.

“Do
you
like it?” I asked. I was surprised I spoke. The words seemed to come out on their own.

He shook his head slowly. “It’s kinda creepy, if you ask me. It seems so…cold.” I nodded and started to move on to another picture, but he began to speak again. “I don’t know, it just dredges up all kinds of memories.” I looked him in the eye. Was he getting that same feeling I was, that I’d been there before? Before I could inquire, he turned to back to his desk and began typing on the computer.

I stepped up to the next piece, a lush countryside photo. Eric asked, “How are your classes?” I glanced back at him. I had felt his eyes on me but when I turned, his face was still buried in the computer screen.

“They’re fine.”

“Good.”

I looked back at the photo, trying to keep myself from going near him, but I couldn’t. I walked up to the desk and said, “So Aurora told me you’re not coming to the party tonight.” He blushed slightly.

“Aurora doesn’t like parties,” he said, looking down.

“Yes she does. She just doesn’t want you to like them.” He stared accusingly at me, eyes slightly narrowed.

“Whatever,” he said, turning back to his game of solitaire. “Mike will be there.”

“Great,” I said through a forced, fake smile. “Then I won’t be alone.” Eric’s gaze shot back to my face and searched my expression.

“Yeah? You two getting close?”

“Not really,” I answered. I could see his expression turn to relief. “So, are we avoiding each other, or not?” Guilt now spread over his face. He was so easy to read. “Maybe it’s best if we leave each other alone. At least for now.”

Eric reluctantly nodded in agreement.

I left, wandered for a while, dawdling in the library and lounge before going to the party. The third floor was packed with students. The music pounded through my veins. I felt slightly nervous and lonely. I hadn’t wanted to go alone. I wanted to see Eric, even though we weren’t on the best of terms. I couldn’t help myself. I quickly grabbed a drink and began to sip it down. I felt so confused. See him, or not see him?

I felt nervous every time I saw Eric and Aurora, because they knew. They both knew how badly I wanted Eric. And I knew I would never have him. They pitied me, because they knew it too. I hated it. I hated pity. I hated Aurora, because she wanted to pity me, more than anything.

They both treat me like a child. Everyone does. I’m sick of it. I’m an adult, sort of. I can be independent. I don’t need Aurora or anyone hovering over me. To hell with them.

I needed to be free from their pity and be free from myself. I needed to move on, forget about Eric and Aurora. Maybe Eric had loved me in the past, but that didn’t mean he could love me now. We had both changed so much. This life had made us both weak. Everyone seemed to be weak in the present. Life was so much more vivid and uncertain in the past. Sometimes I wished things could go back to the way they were. Could Eric and I ever regain the strength and vitality we once had, or would we be trapped forever, for this life and all those to come? Could I even wait for that?

It’s time to move on, girl.

I stood alone in a corner of the room, letting my thoughts wash away with each sip of the drink I held. My mind was beginning to feel so clear and open. The walls seemed to close in around me. I felt so alone in a place with so many people in it. My mind, free to think, at last, became flooded with my last memory. Reality was finally reaching me. The fire…burning flesh and clothing…the smoke.

I shuddered and gulped down the last of my drink. The skunky liquid seemed to help relax me. I didn’t need to have another breakdown. I had lost control with Todd and wound up passing out, free for anyone to take advantage of. I couldn’t lose my mind again, especially not here with so many strangers. I grabbed another drink from the keg and sucked it down quickly. I swallowed it all down.

“Pace yourself, chicky.”

I turned too quickly, because the room kept spinning when I had stopped. I almost fell over but Mike’s hands caught my shoulders. “Mike…?”

“Don’t need to barf, do you?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Good, Cassie. Want another drink? I know I do. How much did you have?”

“Umm,” I uttered as I tried to work my lips, “Two.” I giggled at myself. I felt him slip his arm around my waist.

“Two? Well I’d say that’s enough of a party for tiny little you. Why don’t we find someplace to sit and…talk?” He smiled and so did I.

“You talk really funny,” I said as he led me over to an inflatable sofa. He sat down next to me. He really was handsome. Had the perfect hair, the smooth complexion, the nice, stylish clothes. And confidence. It was obvious what he wanted, and tonight…he wanted me.

“So do you. So…” he began, letting his words trail off as he touched his fingers to my stomach. It was nice, feeling wanted. More than nice.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, excited for some strange reason.

“Come to think of it, we’ll have to do something else. It’s just too loud in here to talk.” As he said that, he slid his hand around to my back and pulled me close to him. I felt his lips touch mine. His hand moved up and down my back as he pressed his lips against my lips, squeezing me close to him. His touch was warm and enveloping. His tongue flicked across my lips and parted them, opening my mouth to his. I let him in. His mouth seemed so sweet and inviting. His lips moved down to my neck. I could feel the tiny hairs on his chin rubbing against my skin. I giggled and touched both of my hands to his face. I pulled his head up and pushed my face into his, catching his lips. I could feel the heat of his body all over me.

1205

I inhaled the smoke, choking on it, hoping to end my life faster, in a
much better way. I swooned, losing my fight. I heard a yell erupt as my body collapsed. I feared to open my eyes. The fire must have burned through the ropes and let me fall into the fiery kindling.

Fingers closed around my arm as more yells broke through my trance. My eyes flew open and I saw the fire receding into the distance. I was flung over someone’s shoulder, and I saw Heodred, fighting by the fire. He swung his sword, fighting off the guards of the castle, knocking them down and forcing them back. Then quickly he hopped onto his horse and rode towards me and my captor…or savior.

He pulled me onto his horse by the back of my dress, leaning my wilted body against his chest. He then circled around and pulled the other man up.

Elijah. He was still wearing the cloak and hood. The horse moved slowly under our weight, but it was a strong workhorse Heodred had taken. We rode in silence, trying to put distance between us and the mob. No one had followed, that we could see. I took comfort in the feeling of Heodred’s large arms around me as he steered the horse. I didn’t feel safe, but I was much closer to calm than I had been in days. Heodred veered the massive steed off the road and into the dark woods, guiding us around trees and rocks until we reached a stream. The horse plowed into the brook, splashing water all around us. I wanted desperately to leap into the water, calm the burning and sizzling of my skin.