Epilogue: The Dark Duet (19 page)

“I don’t expect you to care. I don’t
regret what I did. I just wanted you to know why I couldn’t let you come with
me. To be honest, I don’t regret leaving you behind.”

She tensed.

“Sorry you came
back?”

I turned and pulled her into my arms.
It wasn’t her place to comfort me.

“No. I could
never regret any amount of time with you. You’re the best thing that’s ever
happened in my life. I just wish I could… be that for you.” Her silence was
nearly deafening. It was a confirmation.

“I… fuck. I’m so goddamn angry, Caleb.
I don’t know how to process everything sometimes. There’s so much living inside
me.
That’s
what the writing is for,
it helps me lay shit out and filter through my thoughts.” She propped herself
up on her elbow and met my eyes. Her expression was pained. “You
are
the best thing that’s ever happened
to me, Caleb. You’re also the worst. I’m trying to reconcile those two things.
Help me?”

“How am I supposed to help you?” I
asked.

“Tell me your side of things. I want to
hear the good and the bad. I have so many questions, so many moments in my life
where I only know half the information. You read my side of it. I want your
side. Help me understand how I managed to…” Her eyes finished her sentence:
fall in love with you.
“Help me explain
it to the rest of the world.”

Her words left me reeling. I didn’t
want the world to know.
I
didn’t want
to know. In fact, I’d been doing everything within my power to make us both
forget where we started. How was this supposed to help?

“It’s not for
the rest of the world to know, Livvie. I don’t understand.”

“You wouldn’t, but I do. I wouldn’t
betray your trust. I’d tell it the way it’s meant to be told. I’d make them see
that some stories aren’t black and white. I’d make them feel
this, us.
And then I’d feel better. I
wouldn’t feel like you got one over on me. I’d feel right about everything
between us and I’d defend it. I’ll always defend it.”

What justification did I have against
that? I had what I wanted: assurance that Livvie had no desire to leave me. I’d
even managed to sidestep the argument over having broken into her laptop. Most
importantly, she’d given me a glimpse of the love she’d once professed to have
for me. I was determined to nurture that emotion.

“What do you want to know? For
example?” I edged. She leaned toward me and placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

“I hate seeing
you like this. If anyone is going to fuck up your face, it should be me.” She
smiled.

“Think you could take me?” I worked
hard not to grin so I wouldn’t split my lip open again.

“I think you’d let me.”

“Well, you’ve got me there. I don’t
think anyone has ever slapped me so many times and walked away without having
to look over their shoulder forever.” I let my fingers caress her face. I’d
slapped her once. “I felt horrible… that one time. I’ll never—”

“I know,” she interrupted. “I’m sorry I
asked about the... you know. I know you’re trying to be different and you’ve
changed so much. That wasn’t fair.”

“You had a right to ask. I’m trying to
change, but it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with who I used to be. I’ve had
blood on my hands.” I silently reflected on my year away from Livvie.

“You’re different now,” Livvie said
softly.

I saw the faces of the women I’d once
enslaved and then set free. I thought about the ones I’d been too late to save.
They would haunt me forever and it was scarcely penance enough. Yet, fate had
brought me to Livvie .

“I don’t know that I’m all that
different. I’ll never stop looking over my shoulder
—
or yours. I think part of me will
always be someone’s loyal disciple. It’s who I am.” I stroked Livvie’s hair.
“I’d kill for you, Livvie. I’d die for you.”

“Caleb. Don’t. You’re no one’s
disciple. You’re free, and all that shit is behind you.” Her arm squeezed my
waist.

“I hope you’re right, Kitten, but I’d
still do anything to protect what’s important to me. I just hope it never comes
to violence again. From now on, it’s just fighting in the gym.”

Livvie laughed.

“You mean you
did this on purpose? Oh, Caleb,” she sighed, “you’re such a fucking man
sometimes.” She kissed me again.

“I’m always a man. Don’t you forget it.”
I winked. “Ask your questions, Kitten. I can’t promise I’ll always be this
agreeable.” I skimmed her lower back with my fingers.

Livvie’s smile faded a bit, but I could
sense her determination nonetheless.

“Why me, Caleb?
Why’d you choose
me
?”

I was sorry I invited her questions. I
could think of at least ten other things I would rather suffer than formulate
words to loaded questions like those. However,
why
is always important to people. It had been important to me. I’d
wanted to know why I’d been taken. I’d wanted to know why Rafiq showed me
genuine affection when I was a boy. My entire life had been about
why
. I owed Livvie answers.

I cleared my throat.

“You made me
curious.” I could practically feel the intensity of Livvie’s stare. “I watched
you for weeks before I decided. Every time I saw you… I wanted to know more
about you.”

“But why?” She pressed into my side. I
let out a huff of air.

“Fuck, I don’t
know. I guess… you looked kind of sad.” I raised my free hand and traced her
confused brow. “You liked to stare at the ground and it used to make me angry
because I couldn’t see your face, your eyes. I wanted to know why you were
sad.” Listening to my words aloud and staring into those same eyes, I wondered
what the hell had ever possessed me to hurt someone so innocent, so beautiful.

 “You told me about your mom, about how she
treated you, but I didn’t know that in the beginning. I saw you in your baggy
pants and oversized sweaters and it didn’t make any sense to me why such a
beautiful girl would hide.” I knew she had been hiding from someone like me. I
thought,
life is cruel
.

“And then I fucking met you. You ran
right into my arms and I…” I almost couldn’t say it. “I had to have you. I’m
sorry, Livvie. I’m so very sorry.”

Livvie shook her head.

“I don’t need
you to apologize anymore. We’re together and I don’t need you feeling bad about
it. I just want you to stop pushing me.” She gripped my shoulder and shook me
playfully. “I need to know how we arrived here, but it doesn’t mean I’m not
happy to be where I am. I’m here, with you. That’s nothing either of us should
be sorry about.”

“It doesn’t seem that way sometimes.
You care about me, Livvie. I know you do. Except you won’t say it because
you’re punishing me for what I did. I know I deserve it, but stop pretending
you’ve forgiven me. If you want the truth from me, start being honest.” I felt
the shift in power between us. Livvie had me where she wanted me, but I had her
too. We had each other, and I liked knowing it wasn’t something either of us could
surrender easily.

She put her head down on my chest in
supplication. She could ply me so easily sometimes. If I had anything to do
with her ability to wield power through submission, then I’d done my best work
in Livvie. However, I doubted that was the case. She’d been playing me since
the day we met in one fashion or another.

“I forgive you, Caleb. I’m just… angry.
You’re angry too. I don’t like how easily you can hurt me.”

“It’s not easy, Livvie. I don’t
like
hurting you. That’s not fair.”

She made a growling sound. I almost
laughed but managed to hold it in.

“I didn’t mean
it like that,” she said. “I mean… you left. You could leave again. You
think
about leaving and going back to
that life. How is that supposed to make me feel?”

I wanted to get up and throw things
around the room. Livvie could be so infuriating.

“The only
reason I said that is because you do the same to me. One minute you can’t live
without me and you want me to treat you rough. The next minute you ask me if
I’ve killed someone. Casually! As if I
ever
killed anyone on a whim. Am I supposed to believe you want to spend the rest of
your life with someone you think is capable of those things? If so… you’re
definitely
not the person I remember.”

Livvie smiled.

“The rest of my
life? You’re ambitious.”

I took in a breath and let it out in
rush. Yes, she was infuriating. I had to laugh to keep from shaking her.

“I… fine. I’m
ambitious.” Unable to resist, I added, “It’s not like I have anything else to
do with forever. My schedule is wide open.”

“In that case, can I ask my questions?”
She smiled sheepishly.

I sighed.

“Shit. Come on,
then.”

We spoke for hours, it seemed. How many
people had I killed? Why had I killed them? Did I get rid of everyone at the mansion?
What happened to Celia (she’s very much alive)?

I answered all her questions as quickly
and efficiently as I could and without becoming emotional about them. I didn’t
regret the lives I’d taken. I had never killed indiscriminately. I only felt
guilt for those I’d put in harm’s way.

I didn’t care for the questions
involving Rafiq, of which there were few, or the ones having to do with Livvie’s
and my history, of which there were
many
.

“Did you like the things you did to
me?” she asked. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

“Did you?” I
asked. I hoped she’d get the hint and stop asking me so many damn questions.

“Some of them,” she whispered softly.

I turned my head toward her and stared.
She was blushing. Things were finally getting interesting.

“Such as? And
don’t say the spanking—I
know
you
love the spanking.”

“I… well, it’s
mostly
the spanking, but I like… other stuff too. It’s your fault.
You’ve turned me into a sexual deviant like you.” She kissed my chest.

I laughed.

“Lucky me.”

“You could… tie me up. If you wanted.
If you… like that.” Livvie’s finger slid beneath the sheets and caressed my
dick. I groaned.

“Kitten… I’m…”
I was distracted. Her fingers wrapped around my flesh and began stroking. “I’m
beat all to hell. I don’t think…” I trailed off as my eyes slid shut.

“Would you like that, though?” Her
voice was small and shy despite the boldness of her touch.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I’d like that very
much. I miss… god, that feels good.” She’d slid her hand to my balls, her nails
dragged slightly over the sensitive skin.

“What do you miss?” she whispered. Her
leg wound around mine. My hand rested on the small of her back and I could feel
her starting to rock against me.

“Control,” I managed. “I miss having
control.” I lifted my hand from her lower back and put it on the back of her
head.

“Over me?” she panted.

“Yes. I… liked being able to tell you
what to do. I liked knowing what was going to happen next.” I laughed to
myself. “I liked…”
Breaking you down and
making you do whatever the fuck I wanted you to do. I liked owning you. I liked
shocking you. I liked making you come apart and putting you back together.
“Stop,
Livvie.” I placed my hand on hers and kept her from stroking my dick.

“What’s wrong?” she asked urgently.

“This!” I sat up slowly. “What do you
think
I liked about it, Livvie? I’m not
used to being… I’m not normal, Livvie. I used to get a hard-on when you cried.
Is that what you want to hear?”

Livvie’s expression was wounded.

“I know that,
Caleb. You told me. I don’t expect you to be normal. It’s just that…” She’d gone
from wounded to embarrassed.

“It’s what, Livvie? Explain it to me,
because you’ve got me all confused.” I stared at her, willing her to answer.

“It’s just,” she struggled. “Before
you… there wasn’t anybody. And then we spent all that time together and we did
all those things. Then after, I was alone and you were gone and I tried to
maybe… with other guys, but they weren’t you… and I couldn’t…”

“What?” I insisted. “I thought you said
you weren’t with anybody since me.”

She snapped out of her rambling.

“I wasn’t! I
couldn’t! Caleb, the things you
did
to me. I got used to them. I liked them. I could never do anything wrong with
you. You told me what to do and… I liked it. There was nobody that could…” She
blushed until even her chest looked red.

I exhaled, shocked. I thought about the
first morning in the hotel room and the various other times she’d goaded me
into dominating her. I felt stupid for not putting it together before. I knew
some people enjoyed games involving domination and submission, it’s just that
it had never been a
game
for me
before. I looked at Livvie and smiled.