Esrever Doom (Xanth) (36 page)

“I was the ugliest woman in Xanth. No one would give me a chance. I was doomed to inferiority and obscurity, regardless of my other qualities. Does that seem fair to you?”

“No, actually,” Kody said, surprised by her candor.

“So when I happened upon the Bomb, and turned it on, and discovered its effect, can you blame me for leaving it on? It completely changed my life for the better.”

“And changed every other person’s life for the worse.”

“Not entirely. Ugly folk are now handsome and beautiful folk, and they are quite satisfied to be so. They are getting the benefits of appearance, just as I am, without sacrificing their underlying nature. If it was fair to have all the good things accrue to the best-looking people before, regardless of their other merits, is it not similarly fair now that the people have changed?”

For a moment Kody could not answer. She did seem to have a case.

Oh, Kody, don’t let her merciless logic daunt you.

NoAmi pounced, verbally. “So why don’t you simply give up this foolish Quest and let things sort themselves out naturally?”

Kody shook his head. “I am not ready to do that. How did you find the Bomb?”

“I was just meandering my desultory way, mourning my lack of an interesting life, when I heard a mental voice murmuring, ‘Come to me.’ So I followed it, and in due course discovered the Bomb sitting amidst ancient ruins. This was the source of the mental voice. Now it said, ‘Turn me on.’ I said, ‘Why?’ and it said, ‘Because I will fulfill your fondest desire.’ I said, ‘I doubt it.’ It said, ‘Try me and see.’ So, being curious, I turned it on. And it ushered in the Blessing.”

“The Curse.”

“Not to me.”

Kody pondered briefly. “Weren’t you suspicious of such a windfall? Didn’t it occur to you that you could pay a price?”

“What price? My life has improved a hundredfold since I turned on the Bomb.”

“Like maybe selling your soul?”

She laughed. “You believe in that garbage? I never had most of my soul anyway.”

“I’m Mundane. I don’t believe in magic. Not until I entered the dream that is Xanth. It’s a marvelous adventure, but I will pay a price.”

“What price?”

Suddenly he was wary. This creature had acted without conscience. If she knew that he loved Zosi she might try to kill her. “This fantastic land has grown on me. I will be sorry to leave it, never to return.”

“And lose your zombie girlfriend?”

So she already knew. “That, too.”

She knows everything. She tracked you throughout, via me. She can tune in on my larger share of our soul far more readily than I can tune in to her tiny share. I told you you should send me away.

“A soul is not a bleeping liability!” Kody snapped.

“She actually believes that,” NoAmi said scornfully.

I do,
Naomi agreed sadly.

“With respect to your zombie paramour, you are missing the most significant aspect.” NoAmi smiled, waiting for his retort.

He had to make it. “Leave Zosi out of this.”

“You strike me as an intelligent man, but sometimes you’re an idiot.”

“Surely true. Do you have a specific in mind?”

“I do. Consider that dream pass the Night Stallion gave you.”

So she knew about that too! “You have been tracking me more closely than I thought.” Actually Naomi had joined his party for that reason, so he shouldn’t have been surprised. NoAmi seemed to be better prepared for this encounter than he was, ironically. How could he be letting her put him on the defensive?

“Of course I have, since you’re the one designated to deny me my dream. How could I stop you, if I didn’t know what you were up to?”

“You say I am being stupid about the Night Stallion’s pass?”

“You assumed it meant you could enter his dream realm. Why would you need a pass for that, when you can do it via any peephole gourd?”

“Good point,” Kody said, grudgingly impressed.

“That pass is obviously far more significant. It will admit you to your dream realm of Xanth, from Mundania, any time you invoke it.”

Kody stared at her. “I’ll be bleeped!”

Oh my! I never thought of that.

“So you can visit your rotten zombie creature, after you go home. Just for a few hours at a time, which should be enough. What more does a man want with a woman, after the first hour?”

“You are being extremely cynical.”

“I learned cynicism in my prior life, the ugly one.”

“But I believe you are correct,” Kody conceded. “The end of my Quest does not have to be the end of my romantic life here.”

“Exactly. In fact you don’t have to complete your Quest at all.”

“I think I do. Too many people have put their faith in me.”

“I was afraid you would see it that way. You have followed an honorable course throughout.”

“I can’t say the same for you.”

“In war we do what we must.”

“Though many others suffer?”

“There is always suffering when a regime changes.”

“Maybe so. But the original Xanth regime does not need to change.”

She gazed at him pensively. “What loyalty do you have to a dream realm made up mostly of egregious puns?”

“My loyalty is to my companions and those who trust me to complete my Quest. It’s a matter of honor.”

“Honor,” she repeated thoughtfully. “You do seem to have it. Pity.”

Kody shrugged. “I do what I feel is right. It’s that simple.”

“The girls are all smitten with you despite the Blessing. You could have had Yukay or Naomi. Instead you chose the least of them, the zombie.”

Her repeated references to Zosi were not complimentary. Kody repressed his annoyance. She was probably baiting him. “It wasn’t a deliberate thing. It just gradually happened.”

“And then you killed Naomi.”

“You set me up for that!” he retorted. “Her death is on your head.”

“She is my alter ego, my better half. I did not want her to die. I wanted her to seduce you and nullify you. Why couldn’t you simply have taken what she offered?”

“Because she was obliged to make me give up my Quest. I did not want to kill her. She forced my hand.”

I did,
Naomi thought.

NoAmi changed the subject. “I must confess that becoming beautiful is not all that I had wanted it to be. I can take just about any man I want, and I have taken many. But all they want is one thing, that first hour.” She grimaced. “That first ten minutes, for some. They have no interest in my mind or my ambition, only in my body. That soon becomes wearisome.”

“You can readily give up that shallow appeal.”

NoAmi shook her head. “That would be terminally wearisome. No, I mean to keep my appeal. I merely need to orient on a better grade of man.” She eyed him appraisingly. “It is too bad you are not interested.”

“I see you as you are,” he reminded her.

“Had you wanted beauty, Yukay was available,” she reminded him. “And Naomi.”

“I meant your personality. You are a cynical, ruthless, virtually conscienceless creature I would not care to associate with regardless of your physical appearance.” He shook his head. “What I can’t fathom is why Naomi, who was all the nice things you aren’t, went along, soul or no soul. I have a soul, and I won’t cater to you. She knew your nature. Why did she do your bidding?”

NoAmi smiled hideously. “She did not realize until she died that she had any choice. So I got control, being the more practical one.”

True. I was a fool.

“The more ruthless one,” Kody said. “Because of your lack of soul.”

“Choose the terminology you prefer. I am able to do what needs to be done. She isn’t.”

I wasn’t. I could now, but it’s too late.

“I, too, mean to do what needs to be done. That is to turn off the Bomb.”

NoAmi sighed. “Well, I tried to make nice. Now go your way. You shall not have the Bomb.”

“I tried too. Now I will have to take it without your cooperation.”

“You are a fool. I could have killed you at any time.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because my alter ego, foolish as she is, nevertheless has good taste in men. Her love for you transfers somewhat to me. I would far prefer to seduce you and win you than to kill you. As long as I think there is a chance, I will let you live.”

“Naomi had a chance. You don’t.”

“So I may yet have to kill you,” she said with apparently sincere regret.

She knew he would not be staying here, so she had to be thinking short term. “Or I you. I am constitutionally unable to attack a person unprovoked, but the moment you try it, I will try to destroy you.”

“Love or death,” she agreed, unalarmed.

Kody left the pavilion. He would far rather have completed his Quest amicably.

That did not go well.

“She’s a tough one,” he agreed.

I had not realized that any of my emotion transferred to her.

“You may have done me more good than you knew. I thought she would attack; now I see why she didn’t. But it may not take her long to understand that she can’t win me.”

When she does, she’ll be terribly dangerous.

Day had brightened around them. Kody returned to the others. “She won’t give up the Bomb. Now it’s up to Sniffer.”

“Sniffer is ready,” Ivan said.

“So are we all,” Yukay agreed.

“Squawk.”

Zosi just took his hand and squeezed it.

“Hello, handsome.”

They turned. It was NoAmi, who had followed him here.

Oh, bleep! I should have watched her.

Which meant NoAmi had overheard his last remark. This was mischief.

“What a gorgeous creature!” Ivan said.

“The Curse strikes again,” Yukay muttered. “She is breathlessly beautiful.”

“Come to me,” NoAmi said to Ivan.

Ivan took a step, plainly dazzled. Then he took something from a pocket and held it. His demeanor changed. “No thanks.”

“The chip!” Yukay breathed, delighted. “It reverses his vision of her, just as it does his vision of me. He sees her as she is.”

“Then it is war,” NoAmi said, turning away. In two or three moments more or less she was gone.

“She sure was luscious,” Ivan said. “But I knew she was no good.”

“She was so lovely that even I wanted to believe she was good,” Yukay said. “Beauty can have that effect.”

“Which is another reason I was chosen for the Quest,” Kody said. “Not for whatever other qualities I may have, but for my immunity.”

“Maybe,” Yukay said. “Your other qualities do help.”

Sniffer moved away from the pavilion. It found a path and followed it. They could tell by its attitude that the Bomb was close.

NoAmi is still lurking.

“Let her lurk,” Kody muttered.

Then something shot across the path from the side. It smacked into Sniffer and knocked it off the path and into a dark place they hadn’t seen. It slithered on into the brush and disappeared.

“That was NoAmi, in her serpent form,” Yukay said. “She pushed Sniffer into a hole.”

They gazed into the hole. It was too deep and narrow for Kody to reach into to recover the robot. Sniffer was helplessly stuck there. NoAmi had struck with elegant simplicity to stop them from finding the Bomb.

“We’ll have to dig Sniffer out,” Kody said.

They looked around, and found sticks they could use to start inefficiently digging. Kody got on it while the others spread out, searching for something better.

Look out!

Then the serpent reappeared. It neither hissed nor gave any other warning. Suddenly it was launching toward Kody, jaws gaping. There was no doubt of its identity: this was a truly ugly creature. NoAmi had waited for her chance, again, catching him alone. He didn’t even have time to draw his sword.

All he could do was flip a chip of reverse wood into that gaping maw as it came for him. Then the snout struck him on the chest and knocked him backward.

Both Kody and the naga paused, anticipating the effect of the chip. But there seemed to be no effect. After a moment the head drew back as the serpent recovered her position, getting ready to strike again.

Now Kody drew his sword. He knew from prior experience that it could be effective where the chips were not. As the head lifted, so did the sword.

Then he suffered a moment of déjà vu. This was so like the scene when he had killed Naomi. That unnerved him.

He knew he needed to kill NoAmi and be done with her. But he hated the very idea of slaying the naga again. He had said his soul did not stop him from doing what was right, but maybe it did make him hesitate.

Still she did not attack. She seemed confused. Had the chip had some effect, if only indigestion?

Then he became aware of two things. The ghost Naomi was no longer present; he had become somewhat attuned, and her sudden absence left a psychic gap. And the serpent was turning beautiful. He was not much of a judge of serpent beauty, but there was no doubt of it.

Yet how could this be? There was no beauty in NoAmi.

Unless somehow the chip had reversed them.

“Naomi!” he said. “Change!”

The serpent looked confused, but obeyed the voice of command. She became the woman. She sat on the ground, looking dizzy. She was naked, but none of them cared about that at the moment.

And it was Naomi.

The others returned, attracted by the commotion.

“Squawk!”

“What is this?” Yukay asked.

“It’s Naomi!” Zosi said.

“But she’s dead!”

“Not anymore, I think,” Kody said.

“What happened?” Ivan asked.

“NoAmi attacked. I flipped a chip. I think it made the two alter egos exchange hosts. NoAmi must be the ghost, now.”

“Then where is that ghost?” Yukay asked.

“The two shared one soul,” Kody said, working it out. “Naomi had most of it. That’s what made her nice. NoAmi had only a little of it. That’s what made her nasty. It must take a lot of soul to manifest to living folk, even when other connections are strong. NoAmi doesn’t have enough soul to manifest. She may be here, but unable to contact us.”

“What would she have to say to us, that we would want to hear?” Yukay asked. “My concern is, can she recover the body? We don’t want that.”