Esrever Doom (Xanth) (8 page)

So had she recovered a memory? Kody thought not; for this change in status she merely was not losing one.

“And that ravening monster next door,” Lyre said. “That was not exactly—”

“I’m sure there is one,” Kody said. “Otherwise I might just pass on through without winning the Challenge. Maybe we should take a peek to be sure.” He offered his hand to the little girl.

“Okay,” Ione agreed. “As long as we don’t have to get too close to it.”

Lyre looked perplexed, then caught on. Ione’s talent was to convert lies to truths, so calling them lies now would not do it.

They walked to the edge and peeked. There was the ravening monster.

Kody had never been happier to see such a thing. It meant he had solved the problem.

They turned back. “I recovered a memory!” Lyre exclaimed, thrilled.

“So now we can tell Ione her talent,” Kody said. “She will surely be happy to help you with other memories, as long as Burnice does not know.”

Ione’s brow wrinkled. “Does not know what?”

“That your talent is to make lies become truths,” Kody said. “As long as the person discussing them does not know your talent. That’s why the Good Magician did not tell you right away.”

“To make lies truths? Isn’t a lie a lie no matter what?”

“Not necessarily,” Kody said. “Not when there’s a Sorceress present.”

She remained understandably perplexed. “How can a lie become truth?”

“Maybe I can show you,” Kody said. He walked to the side. “Burnice! We can use your help.”

“I’m not allowed to help you with your other Challenge,” Burnice protested.

“My Challenge is over. This is something else.”

“Very well.” Burnice walked toward them.

“Now do not say a word about your talent, Ione,” Kody whispered. “It won’t work if she knows.”

“Okay,” the child said doubtfully.

“I am going to tell Burnice a lie. Lyre will agree with me, even though she knows it’s a lie, because she wants to help you understand and use your talent. That’s not the same as lying for personal gain or to make mischief. Lyre is not doing that anymore. You must agree with me also. Can you do that?”

“Sure. For a good cause.” The child was quick to catch on.

Burnice arrived. “What’s this about?” she asked.

“There is a big tub of chocolate eye scream under your chair. May I fetch it for Ione? I’m sure she’ll share.”

“There is no such thing!” Burnice protested. “It would melt!”

Now came the key part. If this didn’t work, the whole effort was lost. “I say there is. Are you calling me a liar?”

Burnice opened her mouth, plainly wanting to do just that. But she decided to be diplomatic. “Ione is welcome to anything you find under my chair.”

“Thank you.” Kody marched out across her burned scene toward the chair. There was the tub! It really was filled with ice cream, however named. He picked it up and brought it back. “See? It was the truth.”

“I’m truly amazed,” Burnice said, truly amazed.

So were Lyre and Ione. And Kody, if the truth were told.

“Now there may be other things you girls would like to discuss,” Kody said. “But I believe I have business in the castle with the Good Magician.”

“You surely do,” Lyre said. “And that’s no lie.”

“Now can any of you explain how that tub of eye scream got under my chair, unmelted?” Burnice demanded as Lyre served out portions.

Lyre smiled. “We will in a moment. But first we want to amaze you with some of the fun things hidden around here, like a case of bottles of boot rear.”

“And piles of candy,” Ione agreed.

Kody left them to it as he walked to the edge. The ravening monster was gone, because it was no longer needed. In its place was a path leading to a door into the castle. He was at last gaining admittance. He hoped.

4

P
ARTNER

A pleasant woman was waiting for him. “Hello, Kody,” she said. “I am Wira, the Good Magician’s daughter-in-law. We have been expecting you.”

“Hence the Challenges,” he said somewhat wryly.

“It is the custom. The Good Magician needs to be assured that you are serious and will not be readily dissuaded from your mission.”

“Folk who aren’t serious come here?”

“Oh, yes. It’s amazing how many people seem to want something for nothing. They think they can somehow finesse the Challenges, get advice from the Good Magician, then renege on their commitment for service. Just last week there were twins, Barbar and Barbara. His talent was to make folks’ hair shorter, hers to make it longer. They didn’t need any advice, they just wanted to see if they could get in to see the Magician and waste a bit of his time.”

Kody appreciated the problem. There were folk in Mundania like that. “How did you handle it?”

“The first Challenge was to get past a pool containing a kraken, a ferocious seaweed monster with thousands of hairlike strands. Making a few strands grow longer or shorter didn’t help; it only annoyed the kraken. They gave it up as a bad job.”

“But isn’t there always a way through a Challenge?”

“Yes. All they had to do was offer to style the kraken’s weed-hair attractively. But they were afraid to come close enough.”

Kody was amused. He decided not to argue the case further. “I may not be in Xanth long, so probably need to get on with it.”

“Of course. The Good Magician will see you soon. This way, please.”

They came to a narrow, winding stone stairway. But a woman puffed into existence on the bottom step, barring their way.

“Metria?” Kody asked, surprised.

The features coalesced into an unfamiliar face and form. “Hardly. That nuisance is not allowed inside. I am Dara Demoness, the Good Magician’s Designated Wife for this month.” She turned to Wira. “Humfrey’s not ready yet. Something about a conflict of schedules. I’ll entertain the querent in the night room.”

“I will check with the Good Magician,” Wira said. “I will come for you in the night room soon, Kody.” She started up the staircase.

Kody realized there was probably a pun there: day room, night room. Puns were endemic in this crazy land; no wonder they needed to be cleaned out. He followed the demoness as she floated slightly off the floor, leading him to a dusky chamber. Stars shone in the dark walls and ceiling, but it was light enough for him to make his way without faltering.

“Zosi, this is Kody from Mundania,” the demoness said. Now he saw that there was a young woman standing in the chamber. She was rather pretty, with shoulder-length gray hair to match her gray eyes.

“Hello, Zosi,” he said.

“Hello, Kody,” she answered shyly.

“I think Humfrey—that’s the Good Magician—did not realize he had a scheduling conflict,” Dara said. “So both of you got set up to see him at the same time. Wira will set that straight. She’s the only one who could. Sit down, both; I’ll bring refreshments.” She faded out.

They sat on opposite sides of the room. Kody couldn’t help noticing that Zosi sat with her knees parted so that her legs were visible under her skirt. She did not seem to be a flirt, so it was more likely that she was distracted and careless. He could understand that, if her situation was remotely like his own. Which of course it couldn’t be, unless she was another dreamer.

There was an awkward pause. Kody really did not know how to make small talk with a woman he didn’t know, but it seemed she was similarly limited. So he made the effort.

“The— I’m new here—new to Xanth—and I don’t know what’s what. Can you tell me what ‘Designated Wife’ means, and why Wira is the only person who can set the Good Magician straight about a scheduling conflict?”

Zosi smiled. That made her surprisingly warm. “It—it’s a long story, maybe dull.”

With luck it would last until Dara returned with the refreshments. He smiled back. “I’m a fair listener, and reasonably dull myself.”

She smiled again, appreciating the attempt at camaraderie. “The Good Magician is said to be really old. Over a century. He takes youth elixir to keep his physical age around one hundred. In the course of his life he outlived six wives—technically five and a half—that’s complicated—then finally went to Hell to get one back. Instead he got them all back at once. That was awkward, because in Xanth a man is supposed to have only one wife at a time. So now one wife is designated each month and the others remain clear. This month it’s Dara Demoness, who is a rare demon with a soul, making her decent as demons go. But the person who remains full time to handle castle details is Wira, Humfrey’s son’s wife. She seems to be the only individual he really likes, and indeed she’s just about the nicest woman in Xanth. He can’t say no to her. Normally he is insufferably grumpy, but never to her. So they let her handle anything awkward.”

“Ah, now I comprehend. Very nicely put, Zosi.”

She paused. “Oh, my! I’m blushing. I don’t know how to handle that.”

A simple routine compliment made her lose her composure? “Don’t be concerned. Please. This is what girls do.”

“I’m not exactly a girl.”

Now he paused. “I don’t want to be offensive, but to me you look exactly like a girl.”

“It’s— I shouldn’t have said— It’s supposed to be secret— Oh, bloop!”

This was getting curious. So he focused on the least of it. “Bloop?”

“I mean bleep. I’m not used to swearing. I’m all flustered.”

“Zosi, chances are we’ll never meet again. If something’s secret, I promise I’ll never tell.”

“I don’t know. I was afraid I would mess up, and I’m doing it already.” She wiped her face. “Now I’m crying.”

What could he do? Kody got up and crossed to her, putting a hand on her shaking shoulder. “Would it help if I told you how messed up
I
am?”

“I don’t know,” she repeated miserably.

“I’m from Mundania. If I understand it correctly, I’m asleep there while my body recovers from some bad accident, and this is all a dream. That is, it may be real to you, but not to me.”

“You don’t mind touching me?”

He was surprised yet again, then realized that might be the effect of the Curse, making a pretty girl ugly. “I see you as you are, a pretty girl. I don’t mind touching you.”

“Oh!” she wailed, putting her face against his hip.

“I’m here to find out how to reverse the Curse of perception, so that Xanth can revert to normal.”

“Oh, I want to revert!” she said.

He found himself sitting beside her, one arm around her shoulders, comfortingly. “With luck, it will happen.”

“Not that.”

She was just one surprise after another. “I don’t think I understand.”

“I’ve got to tell you, though you’ll hate me.”

“I won’t—”

“I’m a zombie.”

He must have misheard. “A what?”

“A zombie. The living dead, with rotten pieces constantly falling off. Nobody can stand to be near us.”

Kody shook his head. “But you’re warm and firm and soft. No rot.”

“Not now. But usually. When I revert to my true nature.”

A dim light was beginning to show. “You are normally a zombie? Changed for this occasion?”

“Yes. I haven’t been fleshly long, only a few hours, and I’m not used to it. I hate having to eat and peep and all.”

He was about to ask about “peep” but then realized that it must be another accidental vowel substitution, like “bloop” for “bleep.” “Living folk do.”

She shuddered. “Yes.” She took a deep breath. “So now you can recoil away from me. No one wants to touch a zombie.”

It was a sentiment he understood in a rather different context. “But you’re not a zombie now.”

“Oh, I am, inside. A zombie in living human form.”

That might be, but he repressed his urge to cast her abruptly loose. It would not be kind. “If I may ask, what prompted you to change state and come to see the Good Magician?”

“Xanth is running low on zombies, and needs more.”

The surprises just would not stop coming. “I should think Xanth would want to be rid of zombies.”

“No, Xanth needs zombies. We do important things, like serving in bad dreams, and of course we guard Castle Roogna from harm.”

“Castle Roogna,” he repeated. He had heard that name before.

She took it as a question. “That’s the capital of human Xanth, where the king lives. It has to be protected, so we zombies do it. If there’s a bad threat to Castle Roogna, we will rise out of the ground and deal with it. No living army wants to fight us.”

Kody appreciated why. “I’m sure you are effective.”

“We are. But we don’t last forever. We wear out and fade out. So there needs to be fresh zombies to take our places. But since the Zombie Master retired there have been no new zombies made. So we are getting thin. So to speak.”

“Now I see the problem.”

“So we drew rotten straws, and I got the short one, and had to take the treatment to become alive for a month or so, so I can go among living folk and find a way to replenish the zombie stock. That’s why I’m here. But if anyone knows I’m really a zombie, they won’t help. That’s why it’s supposed to be secret.”

“I will keep your secret,” he repeated gallantly.

“Oh, thank you!” she said. Then, impulsively, she kissed him.

And recoiled. “Oh, I didn’t mean to do that! I’m so sorry! You must be sickened.”

He had made it a point not to flinch. Actually the kiss, sincere and fleeting as it was, had been nice. “Not at all. You’re fleshly now.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot.”

Dara returned with the refreshments. “I see you two have gotten to know each other.”

Kody and Zori quickly disengaged. “We have been talking, yes,” Kody said.

“More than that, I think. No matter. I brought tsoda pop fresh from Lake Tsoda Popka, and hot cross buns.”

Kody picked up a bun. It was quite hot, and the expression on its surface was indeed cross verging on angry. Maybe it didn’t like to be eaten.

Zosi hesitated. He realized what her problem was: she hadn’t eaten before, in the living state, and was wary of the digestive complications. “Take small, ladylike bites,” he suggested. “Chew carefully and swallow. It takes several hours for it to, um, reappear.”

“You’re telling her how to eat?” Dara asked. “What presumption!” Obviously she did not know the girl’s origin.