Essentialism (Bridgette & Troy's Story) (8 page)

I wake gasping for air.
It was only a dream. Thank God, it was only a dream.
I was back in my living room with David, only this time he was holding my neck instead of my face and I couldn’t breathe. Looking around Alexa and Vincent’s spare room, I’m safe. He’s not here and doesn’t know where I am. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s crazy how quickly I’ve changed from a confident, brave woman to one that is hiding out at her sister’s because I’m terrified that my ex will come back.

Grabbing my cell phone I check the time. It’s four in the morning and way too early to be awake. Closing my eyes I try desperately to fall back asleep. Thankfully this time when I close them my thoughts are flooded with images of Troy. God, he’s so fucking sexy, with his messy, brown hair and thin stubble that I want to drag my tongue across.

Going against my better judgment, I grab my phone and text him.
I hope you’re feeling okay. I’m sorry again for not being honest with you. If I could only go back and change things, I would.

Laying my phone against my chest, I take a deep breath and pray he responds. After another thirty minutes of unsuccessful sleep and no response from Troy, I get up. Walking into the kitchen, I’m surprised to see Vincent sitting at the island. He’s on his laptop sipping a cup of coffee.

“Hey, you’re up early,” he says.

“I could say the same about you.”

“I’m up because of work. What’s your excuse?”

“I had a dream that woke me. After David kept calling me last night, over and over, my mind was consumed with thoughts of him. I guess that turned into a nightmare that scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry. What time did he finally give up on calling?”

“About twelve.”

“Has he called since?” he asks getting up to refill his coffee.

“No.”

“Would you like a cup?”

“Please,” I say getting up and grabbing the creamer out of the fridge. “What would you do if you were me?”

“Honestly, I don’t know him. However, if it were me, I would give it a little time and let things die down. I’m sure he’ll back off. My gut tells me he acted out in the heat of the moment.”

“I hope so. Can I ask you another question?”

“Of course,” he says, as we both sit back down at the island.

“I know you’re aware I like Troy. Well, he found out about David the other night before I could explain things to him. I’d planned on telling him the day you called and offered me the job. But after the news, I was way too excited to go into all of that. Anyways, I broke up with David and then when Troy found out, it was too late. He knew I’d been lying to him since the beginning and I haven’t heard from him since.”

Resting his elbows on the granite counter he looks at me. “I don’t know if I am the best person to be giving you advice, but don’t give up on him. See if he’s willing to meet with you. You need to tell him your side of things and explain why you lied. He might not forgive you, but you owe him that much.”

“Okay, I can do that. Thank you, Vincent.”

“Of course. Try not to stress about all of this, okay? You’re only going to make yourself sick.”

“I’ll try. Thank you for your honesty. I’m gonna shower, if you don’t mind?”

“Go right on ahead. Lex will be asleep for a while, I’m sure of it. Make yourself at home and let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, I will.” Walking back into the spare room, I check my phone before heading into the bathroom.

Troy texted me back, and his response is cold.
I’m feeling okay.

My throat tightens looking at his words. He didn’t even acknowledge my apology. But I don’t really deserve him to…do I? Thinking of Vincent’s advice, I figure what do I have to lose?

Can I see you?

No response. I’m not surprised though. I tried and that’s all I can do. I walk into the bathroom and peel off the pajamas that Alexa let me borrow, then stand under the hot water, allowing it to cascade down my body. I’m not sure how long I let the water soothe me, as I’m lost in my own thoughts. I know that everything changes when David’s face flashes in my mind and I tremble. Pulling myself out of the clouded trance, filled with illusions of daydreams turned to nightmares, I wash, rinse, and get out of the shower. Suddenly I feel tired…or more like exhausted. After I’m dry, I dress and back into bed I crawl, rereading Troy’s text, wishing he would respond. I clutch my phone to my chest and drift off to sleep.

“…
Troy, please,” I plead with him.

“Please what, Bridge?” he growls hovering above my body.

“I…I want…Ahhh,” I cry out as his thick shaft fills me.

“You want me to fuck you?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Moving he says, “But, you’ve been bad, so I’m going to fuck you hard. Tell me how much you want my cock.”

“Please, Troy, fuck me. Make me come.”

“Oh, you’re so naughty.” He grips my hips holding me tightly in place, pleasing me like I want. Oh fuck, it feels so good. My chest begins to buzz…

Waking up, my breathing is heavy and I’m damp between my legs. I glance at my phone – that’s what woke me – and read Troy’s text. It hurts. The words are not what I’d hoped for.
I don’t think there’s any point to that… It would just be harder on both of us.

Sitting up I rub my eyes and pull my hair over to one shoulder.
I’m sorry that you feel that way. But I need to see you. If you ever had any feelings for me, please do this. I’m so fucking sorry.

I’ll be home all day.

Thank God he agreed.
Now what the hell do I say to him?
I think on the way out. I grab my wallet, making a stop in the kitchen where Vincent is still hard at work. “Hey Vincent, I’m gonna run to Troy’s. Will you let Lex know when she wakes up?”

He smiles at me. “Sure, aren’t you gonna change?”

“My clothes are in the wash and I don’t want to wake Alexa. This will have to do.” I smile and turn around.

“Hey, Bridge,” he calls out after me.

“Yeah?” I say stopping to look back at him.

“Speak from your heart. Don’t let any words go unspoken.”

“Thanks.”

Driving to Troy’s, I keep repeating what I’m going to say to him, over and over in my head. Vincent’s words replay in my mind and I feel like I have a good game plan. All of my thoughts seem to be in order and I hope they all come out the way I’ve planned. Before I know it, I’m sitting in front of his house, thankful to be here, so I don’t let another minute pass me by and walk up to the front door. Knocking lightly, I wait and turn, looking around the neighborhood. It’s an awkward few moments and my heart begins to race.
Fuck, maybe I should…just go.

Then the door behind me opens and I look to see Troy standing there – shirtless, with sleepy eyes and messy hair. “Hey,” he says running his hands through his hair and looking at my pajamas. Inwardly I feel self-conscious. Why didn’t I just sneak into Alexa’s room and change, or at least put some make-up on? My hair’s huge from sleeping with it wet.

“Hey,” I say back, suddenly at a loss for words.

“Come in,” he says moving out of the way for me.

“Thanks. I didn’t mean to wake you. I can come back later if you want. I should have texted you and told you I was on my way. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess since you said you were gonna be home all day, I—”

He cuts me off, “Calm down, Bridge. It’s fine.”

“What? I mean…okay. How have you been?” I ask.
Damn it, brain, work.

He rubs his face with his hands and then looks down at me longingly. “Are you nervous or something?”

“I don’t know what I am. I… I’m sorry I fucked up.”

Troy moves to the couch and sits down. I follow and sit next to him. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he says.

“Do what?” I ask.

“This,” he says gesturing between the two of us.

I didn’t realize how close I had sat to him. My knee is against his leg. “I’m sorry,” I say and begin to scoot away, but he grabs me and grips my thigh. Looking into his eyes, there’s a need there – and I want to fulfill it. He’s fighting this and I don’t want him too.

“Don’t be sorry. I want to hear what you have to say.”

I swallow hard and chew on my lip. I remind myself to speak from my heart. “It was shitty of me to lie to you. I should’ve told you the truth from the first moment that we started texting. I know that, but honestly, I kept lying to myself and saying what we were doing was innocent, that we were
just friends.
I made myself believe the lie, so in turn I guess I was okay with it.”

“But you—”

I cut him off. “Please let me finish. Then you can yell at me or say whatever you want and then I’ll go.” He nods his head, loosening the grip he has on my thigh. I hadn’t realized he was still clinging to me, but he was. My heart wrenches as he pulls away and sits against the back of the couch. “I wasn’t happy in my relationship. If I was being honest with myself, I’d never been happy with David. He didn’t accept me for who I was, who I am. That’s one of the things I like most about you. Since the moment we met, you haven’t judged me; you’ve always taken me for who I am. Like right now, me sitting here in pajamas with giant hair, you don’t judge me. I admire you for that.”

“Can I say something now?” he asks.

“Not yet. I’m almost finished.” I remember Vincent’s words and they give me strength. “It all comes down to the simple fact that I like you. I have since the day you grabbed my hand and helped me into the back of the U-Haul. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I want us to get back to where we were. I want to see where this can go.”

He looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath, contemplating what I’m asking. As the seconds tick by, it feels like minutes. “Please, say something,” I whisper, unable to sit in silence. Troy doesn’t move or speak. He’s very still, staring with calm even breaths. Reaching out, I touch his face and the moment my fingers graze his coarse morning stubble, he looks at me, leaning into my touch. Moving my other hand, I touch the other side of his face and crawl over his lap, straddling him. His breathing stays even. With my knees on either side of his hips, I rest my forehead against his to try and regain some composure.

He doesn’t look at me right away; he’s staring down. Then finally his eyes meet mine, and they are as entrancing as ever. Slowly he brings his hands to my face and cradles mine like I am his. Moving my hands off of his face, I rest them gently on his chest. Even though his breathing is calm, his heartbeat is erratic, pumping like that of a scared animal. Every pound is firm and wild. Slowly he touches our lips together. I should melt into him, but I can’t close my eyes – he’s forgiven me.
Thank God.
I watch him as his eyes are tightly shut, and his expression is that of pain. It’s almost like he’s hurting. But he keeps moving his lips, so I give in to him and indulge – in his taste, his touch, his scent. The room around me spins, and as I try to part his lips with my tongue, he stops.

Looking down at him, that look of pain is as prevalent as ever. He shakes his head and says, “See what you ruined, Bridge? We could’ve been so good together.” I can’t believe the words that come out of his mouth. I sit motionlessly on his lap and look at his agony-stricken face.

“No. No. No. No. No. We can. We are.”

Moving my mouth again I go to kiss him, but he places his thumb over my lips and stops me. Still in his hold with his hands braced on my face, I sit there stunned. Blinking back tears, I fight them away with everything I have, but they are too strong – he’s breaking me. “Please,” I plead in a whispered tone and kiss his thumb as it covers my mouth. He just shakes his head.
Is this really happening?
Is this what my reality has come to?

“I’m sorry, Bridge, trust me I am. But I won’t start another relationship based on a lie. I did it with my last girlfriend and I can’t do it again. Nothing good will come of it.”

He is serious, and as much as I don’t want him to be, there’s nothing I can do to wager with him – I know that.
Speak from your heart. Don’t let any words go unspoken.
“I know you feel what’s going on between us. Please don’t fight it. I fucked up – I’m not perfect, but who is? Haven’t you ever made a mistake? Trust me, I’ll never do it again.”

He ponders my words, and I can’t stop the tears as they spill out of my eyes. My instincts move my lips to his and I crash our mouths together. This might be my last time. Although I’m small, I take everything I have and put it into this kiss. Hugging him tightly, I securely wrap my arms around his neck and press my body as close to him as I can get. Moving my lips with need, I caress his – and he does the same. I try again to part his lips, and this time he accepts. The moment we intensify the kiss, I whimper, threading my fingers into his hair. God, it’s soft, exactly how I imagined it would be.

Please don’t let this be the end for us.
Troy takes his hands off of my face and glides them down my body, running them over my neck, collarbone, breasts, and stomach until he finally lands on my hips and lifts me off of him. I stand before him not only mortified, but also utterly shocked when I see the expression on his face. As the tears begin to flow and wash down my cheeks he says, “Trust me, this is harder on me than you could imagine.”

I shake my head as numbness takes over my body. “Then don’t do it.”

“Don’t blame this on me, Bridge.”

I fight back the tears. Is he seriously not going to forgive me? “Troy, I made a mistake. I get that. Are you really going to hold it against me forever.”

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

I place my hand over my chest and search for the right words to say. I’m shocked. I listened to Vincent and followed my heart, what more can I do? I’m at a loss for words so I step towards him and he retracts away from me. With that cold blow to my ego and heart, I snatch my keys and wallet off of the table and bolt. I walk outside and leave the door open on my way. As I drive off, I look at his house and he’s nowhere to be seen. The door is shut. We are finished, before we even started.