Esther (44 page)

I could not halt the dark thoughts, or silence the cries that came from my body; only wine helped.

“You need entertainment, or fresh air, Your Majesty,” Ruti insisted.

I remembered the Immortals who had explored my chambers after the last assassination attempt upon me. One of them had stopped to pick up the goblet that lay overturned and empty next to the cushions I had fallen asleep on, then smirked and said, “So it is as we have heard.” If I were to sit in the courtyard, people might say that I drank more than a woman should. To make Ruti happy, I chose instead to have Hathach summon jugglers.

“No torches,” I told him, “they will juggle fruit. And no children.” Ruti and I had once agreed that children were least likely to harm me, but I no longer wished to see children.

Ruti looked sharply at me after he left. “Do you no longer value your life?”

“Halannah has taken what she wished from me,” I told her, “and is probably enjoying the king's disappointment. Perhaps she is hoping he will get rid of me himself. I do not think any juggler or musician—adult or child—will drop his fruit or throw aside his harp to take up a knife and slit my throat.”

Still, Ruti trained her eyes upon the jugglers as though her gaze was what kept the apples from falling to the floor. She did not even notice me staring at her. My heart lifted. I was thinking of how blessed I was to have such a loyal servant and friend, and of how much I loved her.

“Soldier,” I called to Erez one day when he stood guard inside the entrance to my chambers. The king had gone to Persepolis the month before and had still not returned. I did not know how many goblets of wine I had drunk.

Erez came and stood before where I reclined upon some cushions, listening to the musicians. “Your Majesty,” he said as he bowed. I could see some sort of pain in his eyes. Was it sadness, anger?

“Thank you,” I said.

“For what, Your Highness?”

“For telling me I must see more clearly, and that danger which comes from where you expect it is hardly danger. You knew that if I had a dagger I would only see trouble that can be met with a blade. If I had listened more closely to you, all my children would not be dead.”

He did not allow the stiffness in his legs to keep him from lowering himself until he was kneeling beside me, his face only a few hands' widths from mine. The wine and my sadness, added to all the time we spent near each other, allowed me to look at him for the first time without shyness. The lines in his skin had deepened. Not the lines that form around a person's eyes from smiling, but those that form in a brow that is too often tense or strained. His gaze upon me was so intense that without wine I would not have been able to return it. He looked at me as though he wanted to help me. And I wanted to let him. I knew I was the cause of the pain in his eyes.

If he were not a soldier, and I were not queen . . .

It was better he did not know my thoughts, but I did not want to completely take my eyes off him. I moved my gaze from his eyes to his sharp cheekbones and the short dark hair along his jaw where he was supposed to have a beard. I looked at the space between his chin and his neck. If I took off my crown I could bury my face there.

“Soldiers
train,
Your Majesty. The first time I shot an arrow you would not have been able to guess what I was aiming for. Some soldiers die in the military court when we practice.”

“This was not a practice.”

“
You
have survived. That is all that truly matters. And you can always try again.”

“What if my womb is altered so that nothing can ever come of it?”
Would
you
want me if I were barren?

“Then the king will still have a beautiful queen who is forceful when she needs to be and pleasing and sweet when that serves her better.”

Did he truly think that would be enough, or did he only wish to warn or perhaps comfort me? “When the king returns I will put down my goblets and smile and blush like any wise girl knows she must.”

“I hope so, Your Majesty.”

I wanted to put down my goblet and touch his cheek, his jaw, his lips. Many nights I had thought of his mouth and how it would feel to press my own against it. As he knelt beside me I had to squeeze my goblet with all my might to keep from reaching for him. My hand began to shake. I had to dismiss him before any of the servants saw my desire, though perhaps it was already too late. “You may return to your post.”

He bowed his head slightly, not taking his eyes from mine right away. “Yes, Your Majesty.”

Ruti glared at his back as he walked toward my chamber doors.

As she took my hair down that evening, I reached up and grabbed her wrist so suddenly the comb fell from her hand. “Do you know why I love him?” I asked.

No one was within hearing distance, still Ruti did not respond.

I let go of her hand. “Because he knows I am barren, and, unlike the king, it does not change his feelings for me.”

Ruti came to stand before me. I could not tell if it was terror or anger that widened her eyes. “Hush with this foolishness,” she whispered. “He has the luxury of feeling no concern. He does not have anything to pass on.”

“He does have something to pass on. His goodness, his courage, and his strength—strength that does not wish to overpower but only to protect. You do not need to rule the whole world to be worthy of admiration, only to be a good ruler of the small part that is yours.”

She studied me a moment, a moment in which something was happening beneath her head scarf—perhaps she was biting back the words that came to her lips—before she finally spoke. “Your Majesty, be careful what you pray for. The only place the two of you could be together is upon the gallows.”

477–474 BCE

The king prized the eunuchs because he believed they had nothing of value left to them except their service to him. He thought that he was more present to them than they were to themselves. But over the next few years I came to realize that surely there was another person who figured as large for them as the king: the person each of them could have been. I knew because I too had a person I could no longer be walking beside me.

What if I had guarded my womb more carefully?
I would wonder, and suddenly she would appear next to me, wearing the same robe I wore. Her breasts and hips, heavy from childbirth, shifted from side to side as she walked. In each of her hands was a smaller hand, a child's hand.

I could not bear to see the faces of the children I might have had. Still I kept pace with her. Perhaps, if I did not ever completely lose sight of her, the children could somehow be mine.

I looked at Erez as often as I could without taking away all doubt that we were nothing more to each other than queen and guard. Looking at him quieted my dark thoughts. Twice, just in time to stop it, I even caught my mouth lifting into a smile as I gazed upon him. After this I tried to never gaze at him directly. Sometimes I pretended to take an interest in something near him, which was easiest when he stood guard inside the doors of my chambers. I looked at the doors as though I wished to venture out, perhaps to see the king. But I did not want to leave; I wanted everyone besides Erez to leave. And then I wanted him to come closer.

I became bolder about ordering him to do things for me. He too became bolder, perhaps because of boredom or anger at the king for confining him to a thankless task in the palace. One that caused his muscles to grow weaker and his body to become stiff from standing for most of each day. Or perhaps he desired me as I desired him. I ordered him to carry messages out to Hathach, ones he did not hesitate to come close to hear. I commanded him to rearrange the tables in my reception hall, and to check beneath my bed for assassins, though I knew there were none. I just wanted him near my bed, so I could feel his spirit near when I lay in it at night unable to sleep.

474 BCE

“Queen, do not forget our people,” Ruti said suddenly one day, as though she had been holding back for a long time. I was sitting at a table in my reception hall, writing upon a scroll. “I fear that since coming to the palace you have stopped thinking of them.”

I could not tell her or Mordecai the truth: sometimes I could not bear to think of our people. I feared that I no longer held enough sway with the king to protect them.

“If you are called upon by God to stand against Haman and speak for our people, will you be ready?”

“I will have no choice but to be ready.”

“It is not only when a crisis strikes that you must endeavor to be wise. You are making decisions every moment of your life, and they are not without consequence. If you choose to dote upon the soldier, you will lose your position with the king. Mordecai and I believe you will one day be called upon to stand up for our people. That day is near.”

“Yes, I have heard this before. Is there news?”

“Majesty, clear your chambers.”

My belly tightened; she was not just cautioning me out of habit, as I had hoped. I dismissed everyone from my hall and a few moments later Ruti opened the door to a visitor. A mantle covered his head and torso, just as it had on the night when he came to my chambers to warn me of the plot to kill the king.

I did not look forward to whatever news my cousin brought, but he himself was a welcome sight. I went to him and pushed his mantle back so I could look upon his face. Even though I had startled him, the tiredness did not leave his eyes. He looked to the scroll upon the table and half-smiled. “Are you writing history?”

“I am no songstress, and no tale I could fashion is more riveting than one involving a king and his friends and enemies, so I have little choice.”

“I cannot fault you for this. But I hope the scroll is well kept even when you are not writing in it.”

I inclined my head toward Ruti, and Mordecai nodded. “Then it is in strong, capable hands.” He turned to her. “You have taken good care of our queen. Thank you. She will need you more than ever now. Haman is upon us.”

I braced for whatever news Mordecai brought. Though he had never been capable of relaxing, I invited him to recline upon my cushions and have some wine. He chose instead to remain standing, with his mantle about his shoulders, as he told me of Haman.

“Two days ago he sent servants to collect the scrolls upon which I record the tributes collected from each province. I told the servants that the king has entrusted me to oversee the records and that they are a matter for only the king, the eunuchs he has assigned to help me, and me myself.

“Later that day, one of my eunuchs announced that Haman himself stood at the doors to the treasury office, demanding the scrolls.

“ ‘The guards are right not to allow him in,' I told the eunuch. ‘I will go out to meet him.'

“His bottom lip was curled like that of a child as he looks at a smaller child from whom he is going to steal something. ‘Turn over the scrolls, Jew, before you bring more suspicion upon yourself.'