Ethans Fal (36 page)

“Perfect…I think I might love you a little for that, thank you.” She snickers and hands me a black pair of suede full height Uggs…or God’s gift to women's feet.

“You might not thank me, if Ethan hates them as much as Daniel…you might not thank me at all.” She laughs.

“He wouldn’t want me in pain.” My voice is quiet and Bethany sits beside me.

“No, I can see that. I am happy he found you, Ada. He has been a little lost and after my sister, well I just worried he would go back to his old ways. I know he wanted more when he started dating her, it is just tragic that,” Her breath catches and I take her hand, she pulls it to her lap and folds her other one over the top.

“He told me about her. He said he wanted what you have with Daniel, so was willing to risk his heart but…but she betrayed him.” I thought she might snatch her hand away but she nods.

“She did at the start I am sure but I
know
she changed. Unfortunately, after what happened he will never really know the truth and, well, it just means that I doubt he will ever believe that she did love him…we all nearly lost too much, so I do understand. I just didn’t want him shutting himself off from the possibility that he could find someone else. Someone that wasn’t quite so casual, someone to have a future with and not always dwelling on the past.”

“That’s not always possible.” I can feel my nose pinch with the buildup of emotion. “I’m not sure I can give him that future. I’m not sure he’d want what I have to offer.”

“Ada?” Bethany turns to me her eyes full of concern but before I can retract what I said, Daniel appears at the door.

“Ethan and I are going to head to the roof bar next door. Tom has Luca and you
baby
, will be ready in thirty minutes.” He strides into the room and sweeps his wife into his arms, kissing her like he is starved and hasn’t fed in months. She sags when he releases her and he is gone just as quickly.

“Is he always–” I fail to finish my question.

“Yes…yes he is.” Her lips curl in a satisfied smile. I quickly grab my things and make my way to get ready in the spare room Bethany showed me earlier. The one next to Luca’s bedroom.

I have showered, a little smoky eyed make up done and I have my hair tamed in a floppy stylish bun but I am still in my low rise boy shorts and bra when I hear Bethany call for me. Her voice is tinged with urgency but not panic. I run all the same, straight into Luca’s bedroom.

“Oh, good, you’re not dressed. My mistake to try and do this without coveralls. The little bugger has just peed all down my dress. Can you take over while I change? Tom is great at many things but
this
sadly, is not one of them.” She has her hand flat on the round tummy of Luca as he squeals and wriggles naked on the changing mat.

“I don’t think–” I swallow the thick words in my throat.

“Please, Ada…I hate being late almost as much as Daniel does. Just slot leg A into slot B…it’s easy.” She nods urgently for me to take over and I step tentatively forward. Her shoulders relax and she runs from the room once I am by Luca’s side. The room falls silent, even his gurgling noises fade to the soft sounds of his tiny breaths, his wide curious eyes follow my deliberate movements. My fingertips touch his tummy, skin so soft it doesn’t feel real. He kicks his legs with such force he lifts clear off the mat and my heart rate spikes. I press my palm flat holding him in place and look around for his nappy. He is all clean and creamed, the nappy was even open and ready. He just caught her by surprise.

“Or did you do that on purpose to keep your Mummy here a little longer?’” My cooing voice and soft tickling fingers up to his neck has him in fits of giggles. I press the unbearable agony fighting its way to the surface back down. I can do this, he’s just a sweet baby…He’s not Pip. It’s not like I crumble every time I see a baby. I have just haven’t needed to be this close…not since Pip. It hurts that I remember so quickly how to secure the nappy tightly, how to fold his little chubby arms into material that doesn’t feel like it will fit. It hurts like fuck but if feels so good too. I pick him up and rest him on my chest, his head losing its battle against tiredness and gravity. I sway and jiggle, rock and hum but when I sniff his sweet powder smell in the folds on his neck and in the spiky hair on his head, the tears just break like a dam.

I am numbly aware that Luca is being lifted free, I am vaguely aware of a warm bathrobe around my shoulders and I am acutely aware that I am sobbing in Bethany’s arms while she rocks and shushes me.

“I miss her.” I hate that I feel better for letting it out. I hate that I am weak because I can’t hold it in anymore. “I just miss her and I…” I gasp for air, the breath stealing sobs rack my whole body. My face is streaming but all I feel is unburdened with a desire to share my sorrow.

“What happened to your baby, Ada?” Bethany could’ve slapped me for the shock her words have caused. My tears stop and I am silent but for the residual shudders in my shoulders from the effort of crying so hard.

“What did you say?” I barely whisper. Bethany shifts so she is facing me holding both my hands in hers.

“Ada, I saw your scar and the way you were with Luca…you know that jiggle alone is a dead give-away but when you held him so tight and God your eyes. There is only one pain in the world that could bring that look to someone’s eyes.” She presses her hand to my cheek as a fresh slew of tears fall free. “Sweetheart, God, this is heartbreaking tell me how I can help?” Her soft voice implores.

“Promise me you won’t tell, Ethan.” Bethany sits back, a look of confusion on her face.

“Ada, this is your life but if you hurt Ethan, I won’t be any part of it. Though you have to know Ethan has the kindest soul and there is nothing you could say that would stop him from loving you…which he clearly does by the way.” She squeezes my hand but I feel no comfort. Her words settle and I try them on for size but they feel like a charity shop donation. Kindly given with the best intentions but you know they don’t really belong to you.

“I wish I shared your confidence.” I suck in a steadying breath. “But I wouldn’t ever hurt him, Bethany. I wouldn’t do that.” She nods but I can see she isn’t convinced. “I have to believe she is okay that my father sold her to a good home but what if he didn’t? What if because I am too terrified of going back…my baby is being abused…what if she’s dead?” I stutter on the words and gasp for air my whole body shaking with the sudden outpouring of my worst nightmare.

“Ada…sorry, sweetheart, I can’t understand you, slow down, take a deep breath.” I nod, but my body aches with shaking. “Your father sold your baby? Is that what you’re saying? Go to the police Ada, fuck, tell Ethan he’ll–”

“No!” My voice is a high pitch shrill of pure panic. “No…no I can’t and you mustn’t tell him.” My pulse is racing and my heart feels like its run a marathon. I draw in some deep painful breaths. “My father kept me sedated for two years and if he ever found me he’d do it again. He wouldn’t risk the scandal. I can’t go to the police until I have proof. Until I have Pip in my arms.” Her eyes are wide and the shock has drained her face of colour. I dread to think what
I
look like. We are silent for long minutes, Bethany still has my hand but the other I use to wipe the tears that are still falling. She looks at me with heartbreak and understanding.

“You think Ethan won’t understand because he was adopted. You think he won’t forgive you for thinking of yourself? For not finding Pip no matter what the risk, because Pip could be in the same situation when
he
was rescued? You think he won’t–”

“How could he forgive me, Bethany?
I
don’t forgive me. I’m a coward. What mother puts herself first Bethany? Who does that? Not someone who deserves someone like Ethan.” I blow out a deep breath that is heavy with my own desperation.

“I see.” Bethany’s eyes are kind, but I can see the tension in her face. “I think you should tell him all the same. You won’t know what he will feel until you tell him. What I do know is if you keep this secret from him, you will lose him. He won’t see it as anything but a betrayal of his trust. I personally don’t think he will think what you fear but he will hate that you didn’t trust him enough to ask for help.” She stands and pulls me up with her. “Trust him, Ada…He’s worth it.”

“I can’t believe I told you all that. I’ve only told one other person.” I feel shaken to my core but lighter too.

“Do you feel better? Because if you feel better by telling me, imagine how much better you will feel telling Ethan.” She holds my gaze, waiting for some sign that I agree. I do feel better because I am conflicted with my deception. Until Ethan, I had always felt I needed the barrier; now it is an unbearable burden. Maybe I can trust him but then I think about Sky, my best friend, who was so quick to turn, how can I be sure? How can I trust myself to make that call?

“I’ll think about it.” It is all I can offer but that is a milestone for me. Bethany’s feature soften.

“If he’s hurting Ada, I will tell him because I owe him everything even if he doesn’t believe me.” Her tone is stern, her delivery forceful with no room for misinterpretation.

“I don’t want to hurt him.” She smiles.

“Then we are in the same book, if not quite on the same page and I don’t know about you but I am a sucker for a Happy Ever After.” She pulls me into her arms and hugs me a little longer than is comfortable given that I am almost naked under the robe and she is fully clothed in a gloriously glamorous sparkly cocktail dress.

We reach the roof top bar only twenty minutes late but Bethany takes a sharp breath when the lift doors open. From the alcove directly opposite, Daniel is glaring at her with heated eyes darkly hooded. Her face flushes bright pink and I feel like an intruder in their intimate moment. She swallows loudly and lets out her held breath.

“Okay well, that’s gonna hurt.” She smiles at my curious expression but takes my arm without explaining. The men stand and Ethan slides back in to sit beside me.

“You look …God, are you okay?” His hushed tone is full of worry, he pushes my fallen hair from my too red eyes. I managed to repair the makeup, but the bloodshot damage and puffy lids were unsalvageable. I was hoping for some subdued lighting.

“Ethan, I’m fine…I got a little emotional with Luca earlier and–” Shit I can feel the tears.

He cups my face, eyes filled with…filled so much I get a tight warm feeling in my chest.

“I understand…I mean I can’t possibly understand a miscarriage but I get why being with another baby might trigger sad times.” His tender kiss pushes two fat tears onto my cheeks, tears of shame. How can he feel so much for me when he doesn’t know me; could he ever love me the way I love him? This unexpected self-revelation that I do, in fact, love him, hits me like a tidal wave of emotion. It hurts too damn much to lie to him, it hurts too much when he looks at me like I am worth saving. So how can I love him so much and not trust him enough? I draw in a deep breath stunned by my own realisation. I
do
love him enough and I
will
tell him. I’ll tell him everything and trust him with my fragile heart. My heart that beats, not just for the purpose of pumping blood but because this gorgeous man looking into my soul right now, makes it beat for him.

“I love you.” I exhale softly, the words drift unchecked, my brain to mouth filter broken. He holds my gaze and I watch with a cold fear that I have exposed too much before I even get the chance to tell him my secrets. His lips softly curl into the widest smile--breathtaking. His eyes spark with golden flecks swirling in the deepest chocolate brown. He leans in and brushes his full lips up my neck and I tip my head to give him all the access he needs. His whispered words dance across my sensitive skin and they cause a full body shudder.

“I know.” His lips suck the tender lobe of my ear and his teeth scrape until he releases it with a pop. His assured cocky retort would have me reeling but for the absolute adoration on his face. My reflection in his eyes is evidence enough that for Ethan I am the only woman in this bar, maybe the world. Even if he reciprocated my declaration I couldn’t possibly believe him, not until he knows everything. Until I tell him everything we can’t really move beyond this. I want to move on…together.

“Ahem, Ethan” Bethany interrupts our whispered exchange. “You know I am super happy you have Ada and all, but since you are disappearing back to Cornwall tomorrow is there any chance you could…oh I don’t know…fill me in on everything? Where did you two meet? How long have you known each other …Oh, Ethan, when did you realise you loved Ada?” Daniel coughs and pulls Bethany to his side.

“It’s not an interrogation baby, it’s a night out. So, how about we just enjoy some drinks with friends. We have a table booked at that new Russian place later so let’s just have a celebratory drink here first.” Daniel raises his finger and instantly an ice bucket with some fancy pink champagne is served. Bethany is brought an orange juice. Daniel is about to make a toast but Bethany speaks first.

“You know, no need for toasts let’s just say cheers and have a good night.”

“Daniel told me already Bets, there’s no need for secrecy. I’m really happy for you.” Ethan raises his glass and Bethany looks at me with a sadness I hate. “Congratulations on the pebble…That is what a baby Stone is called right?”

“Oh, God Ethan, that is so cheesy.” Bethany makes mock vomiting sounds and raises her glass. We all clink the crystal and I mouth a ‘thank you’ to Bethany for her effort to at least curb the conversation fraught with sadness; a futile gesture but appreciated all the same.

The Russian restaurant was on the ground floor but we have moved to the basement club after dinner with its dim lighting, heavy beat, and constant flow of vodka martinis. I am acutely aware of Ethan pressed to my side, his large hand touching my thigh in firm languid strokes through the now way to much material of my dress. If he keeps this up I am likely to hitch it up and straddle him in the secluded booth we are still sharing. I whimper when his hand trails higher and his lips move lower onto my collar bone. A single line of sensual kisses scorch a path from my neck to my ear.