Even When You Lie to Me (9 page)

I settled down to slow swaying. Lila was still dancing with a kind of liquid ease I knew I couldn’t match. I felt like a shadow of her. I watched Drummond, who was alone now, to see how often he looked at her. He never watched her very long, but his eyes flicked back a couple times. Every time he glanced in her direction, a clot of fear stuck in my throat. Eventually he noticed that I was watching him, and he smiled at me and waved.

I left Lila to a group of dancers she’d found. She didn’t seem to notice that I’d left.

“You made it,” I said, standing close to him so he could hear me over the music.

He leaned in closer, shaking his head. He smelled warm, like clothes fresh from the dryer. “Sorry, you might have to shout at me—the loudest thing I listen to these days is NPR.”

“It wasn’t important! Are you having fun yet?”

“In a Jane Goodall kind of way, yes. Why aren’t you out dancing with your very, uh, dexterous peers?”

I turned back to Lila, who was now being humped by Jason Tierney.

“Not my speed,” I said.

He nodded. “I was never much for dancing either. I looked sort of like a monkey being electrified.”

“Seemed like you were about to be dragged out to dance earlier.”

He rolled his eyes. “Kids.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh with him, as if I weren’t a kid myself, or feel chastised.

“You’re wearing my dress,” he said.

I looked down at it and then up at him. “What?”

“The dress I said I was going to—”

“Wear in class. Right.” I looked down again. “You’d probably pull it off better than me.”

He laughed. “I doubt that very much.”

I blushed, not sure how to take that.

He looked over at Lila’s group. “Why don’t you go back?” he said. “I’m just going to stand here and be boring and drink disgusting spiked—what is this? Punch?” He took a sip and grimaced. “RC Cola? Mr. Pibb?”

“Tang, I think,” I said.

“That explains the metallic note,” he said, “but not the burning.”

I wanted to tell him I felt more comfortable standing there with him, but I wasn’t sure whether he wanted to get rid of me so he could talk to the other chaperones.

“Or stay,” he said. “I could use the company. You can make sure I don’t start slurring in case I’ve been drugged with off-brand cola.”

I smiled at him, hoping I didn’t seem too relieved. I watched Lila for a few minutes as she flirted with Jason, grinding against him in her tight black dress, which was so short that it seemed to dare you to look up under it. He pretended to slap her ass and she laughed and moved closer. I glanced at Drummond, but he wasn’t watching her anymore. Then I noticed Jason’s friends—the ones who’d been at the pool. The tanned one—Austin—had been hovering behind him, but now he moved forward, not dancing, just looking at Lila and Jason.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as Drummond said something I couldn’t hear. I knew as soon as Austin saw me he’d come over: me with my ruffled dress and old shoes like a flag at full mast. It wasn’t even that I knew he would say something cruel. It was that he’d do it in front of Drummond, and then there would be no way to pretend that he could ever feel anything but pity for me.

“It’s you!” Austin said as he came close. He leaned down next to me, his breath hot in my ear. “He’s never going to fuck you, sweetie,” he said. “You can stop trying.” Then he straightened, turned away, and shouted, “Jason! We’re going, asshole!” Jason kept grinding on Lila. When Austin got no response, he stomped toward the emergency exit and pushed the doors open. Mike hesitated, turned to me, said, “Good dress,” and then followed him out.

“He seems nice,” Drummond said as he watched Austin leave. When I didn’t say anything, he looked at me and frowned. “You okay, Charlie?”

“Um,” I said. Had he heard? Talking to him—pretending I was someone worth talking to—suddenly seemed impossible. The music clogged my head. “I need to—I just need a minute.”

“Did he say something to you?” He looked worried and stepped backward as if he was going to follow Austin. “I’ll take care of this.”

“No!” I said, loud enough to stop him. “No, it’s not—it’s not that. I just—I just need to go.” The noise and the crowd and the darkness were pulsing in on me, pushing me down, binding me in. I hurried to the doors and opened them onto the cool, silent hallway, then headed for the bathroom.

I wriggled into a stall and slammed the door, then twisted the lock. There was no toilet seat cover, so I sat fully clothed on the seat itself and waited for my breathing to slow down. I should never have come in the first place.

I stared at the cubicle door and listened to other girls coming in and going out. Every time the door opened, there was a whoosh of music, like water gushing out of a leak, and then it gradually became a distant thumping again. The rhythm of it was soothing: it was out there, and I was in here. As long as I stayed in here I’d be fine.

The door opened again. “Charlie?”

I considered not answering, but I knew Lila would find me.

“I’m here,” I said.

“Are you going to let me in?”

“Sure,” I said, but I didn’t move.

“Are you okay? Drummond sent me in here to check on you.”

“Drummond?” I unlocked the door. Lila squeezed into the cubicle with me. Her knees pressed against mine. Her lip gloss was smeared and her mascara had collected in little black globs around her eyelashes, but she still looked sexy.

“Why are you in here?” she asked. “I’ve been looking for you for, like, ten minutes.”

“I just needed to go somewhere quiet. Why did he want you to check on me?”

She shrugged. “He didn’t say.”

“What
did
he say?” I knew I was pushing it.

“I don’t remember
exactly.
He was worried enough that it made me jealous, okay? He cares about you.” She smoothed my hair and I tried not to shy away. “So what happened?”

“I’m— Nothing. I’ve just had enough and I want to go home.”

“We only just got here!”

“Fine, I’ll call my dad. He’ll pick me up.”

Lila sighed. “Don’t be a baby about this. You did this to me when we went to the pool too. Suddenly wanting to leave, no explanation.”

“Lila, all you need to know is that I need to go home,” I said. “If you want to stay here, fine.”

“Well, I do. You seem to take some kind of perverse delight in thinking everyone hates you. Don’t flatter yourself that you’re that unpopular. Plenty of people like you, and the rest of them don’t even think about you at all.”

“I really don’t want to get into this, okay? Just go back to the dance. I’m sorry I came and ruined your night.”

“You should be,” she said as she left the stall. I heard her heels clicking as she ran to the gym.

In the bathroom mirror I looked pale where I wasn’t bright red and blotchy. The top of Lila’s dress sagged and my mascara had smeared and I looked idiotic. I went outside, passing the gym, and stood in the cool air. I called my dad but he didn’t pick up.

“Dammit,” I muttered, and tried him again.

“You need a ride?”

I turned, and it was Asha, of course.

“How do you always show up at the right time?” I asked.

“I keep very close tabs on you,” she said.

“Creepy,” I said.

She laughed. “Or I get bored of social things at the same time.” She looked elegant in a short navy dress, much too posh for a sad gym full of strobe lights.

“Why’d you come?”

She held up her camera, which was hanging from a strap on her shoulder. “And I wanted to see what it was like.”

“You’re odd,” I said before I could stop myself.

She laughed again. “Why’d
you
come?”

“Lila dragged me here,” I said. I decided not to go into the Drummond thing.

“I think my reason was better than yours,” she said. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

I followed her to a dark sedan. It smelled new and the inside was trimmed with wood and leather.

“It’s my mom’s,” she said when she saw me admiring it. “Mine’s at the mechanic’s.”

I nodded. “I use my dad’s car. This one looks like Lila’s.”

Asha turned on the ignition, and the engine vibrated gently, like water simmering in a pan. “Her parents bought it for her?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Not surprising, I guess.”

Even though I was mad at Lila, I tensed. “She contributed.”

“She has a job?” The headlights swerved across the trees next to the parking lot as we pulled out, illuminating the branches so they looked like veins. “Which way are we going?”

“Left and then straight for a few miles,” I said. “She babysits.”

“Okay,” Asha said. We sat in silence until I directed her to take another left at the first stoplight. “I saw you talking to Mr. Drummond at the dance.”

“Briefly,” I said.

“I talked to him too.”

“A lot of people talked to him. He was the most popular guy there, apparently.”

“He was,” Asha said. “It’s because he flirts with everyone.”

I glanced at her, glad it was dark. “You think so?”

“He flirts with our whole class. You haven’t noticed?”

“I guess,” I said. I knew he did, but I thought the way everyone loved him so much was charming.

“He does,” she said. “I don’t like it.”

“I thought you did like him,” I said. “At least, you did a few weeks ago.”

“He is charismatic, I’ll give him that,” she said. “But he’s too…I don’t know. He’s immature. Glib. He makes fun of people more than I’d like.”

“He’s just teasing them,” I said.

She glanced at me. “I thought you
didn’t
like him.”

“I never said that,” I replied, feeling my face heat up. “He’s grown on me.”

“Hmm,” she said. She pushed a button to turn the radio on; it was a classical station and she didn’t change it.

I looked out the window. What would Lila think of my getting a ride home with Asha? I knew Lila didn’t consider her worthy of friendship, but I didn’t know whether that was because Asha wasn’t popular enough or because Lila was trying to be. I was sure she kept me around only because I’d been grandfathered in; we were friends long before she got cool. And I knew about her Weird Al obsession.

“Did you dance with anyone?” I asked finally.

“No,” she said. “I don’t dance.”

“I don’t either,” I said. “That didn’t stop me.”

“I think Dev operates on the same principle. I made sure to get lots of photographic evidence.”

I laughed. “Wish I had a brother.”

“You don’t wish you had a Dev,” she said.

“Well,” I said. Then I blushed fiercely and looked out the window again.

We were silent until she pulled up in front of my house. I lingered before I opened the door.

“You okay?” she said.

I hesitated. “I just…You ever feel like this is the absolute worst time in your life and it has to go up from here?”

“Always,” she said. “I feel like I’m watching other kids in better movies.”

“Right?” I said. “Like you’re the sidekick and someone else is the star.”

“With a better sound track,” she said.

“Definitely better,” I said, widening my eyes at her stereo.

She glared at me. “Get out,” she said. “You’ve been reduced to obnoxious extra.”

I laughed. “Thanks for the ride. See you Monday?”

She smiled back. “I’ll bring a new yoga mat.”

I found my dad in the basement. “Hey,” he said. “You’re home early.”

“It was stupid,” I said. I sat down at his worktable. “What is the point of dubstep, do you know?”

“Is that a dance?”

“I’m not even sure,” I said. “I don’t think I’m very good at being a teenager.”

He turned around from his computer. “You’re better than I was,” he said. “You’ve seen pictures, right?”

I laughed. “That’s true. That mullet was definitely ill-advised.” I reached for a piece of clay and squashed it flat onto the table.

He considered me. “Everything okay, kiddo?”

“It’s fine,” I said. I looked at his desk, which was stacked high with papers. “You need any help with those invoices?”

“Nah, it’s okay,” he said. “I’ve decided I don’t need to get paid anyway.”

“Come on,” I said. “Mom will never know.”

He looked at them and then back at me. “Just half an hour. Then you need to go eat some junk food and watch bad TV.”

“Deal,” I said.

Lila called me while I was still in bed the next morning. “Sorry I stormed off last night.”

“I’m used to it,” I said. “Are we okay?”

“Of course,” Lila said. “I was being a dick.”

“You were. You were a real asshole, actually.”

“All right, we’ve established that. Let’s move on, okay? Did you get home all right? Did your dad pick you up?”

“Uh,” I said, “no. Asha actually took me.”

“Asha?” she said. “Are you friends with her now or something?”

“No,” I said. “She was just there and she had a car.” I felt a coil of guilt in my stomach as I said it.

“Hmm,” she said. “As long as you were just using her.”

“I told you you were jealous. You’d like her if you got to know her.”

“I am
not
jealous, you loser!” she said indignantly.

“And yet somehow I don’t believe you,” I said. She laughed. “So how about you? How’d you get home?”

“Um, I’m not home yet.”

I sat up. “Explain, please?”

“Vodka,” she said. “Vodka is the only explanation.”

“Who was it?” Every time Lila hooked up with someone, I felt worse; another guy and her tally of conquests pulled further and further away from mine. It was particularly depressing because mine was zero. I knew I wasn’t supposed to mind. I didn’t
want
to mind. I pretended not to mind. I hoped someday I actually wouldn’t.

She sighed and mumbled a name I couldn’t make out.

“Sorry?” I said. “Did you say James Joyce?”

“Jason,”
she hissed. “It was Jason. I can’t say it again or I’ll have to desecrate this cemetery with a loogie.”

“You’re…on foot?”

“Charlie, don’t make my walk of shame even worse. I’m wearing one shoe and I look like a raccoon with pinkeye.”

I tried to laugh, but panic rose like bile in my throat. The previous night I had been pretending to read
The Brothers Karamazov
but actually watching
Sex and the City
reruns and feeding Frida cheese. Lila had been fumbling down Jason Tierney’s pants. “Well,” I said, “how was it?”

“Awful,” she said. “Like kissing a badger.”

“What’s that like?”

“Horrible pointy teeth and a weird musky smell. I’m not sure if it was coming from his bedroom or his body.” She paused. “Hang on, I just found a bag of Ruffles by the side of the road.”

“How many times have we gone over this? Do not eat garbage.”

“Fine, I’ll starve.” She huffed and I heard the bag crinkle as she dropped it. “I’m taking a shortcut through the gravestones.”

“Don’t eat out of any vases you find,” I said. “That’s not Pixy Stix dust.”

“Ha-ha,” Lila said. “I do need something to wash my mouth out.”

“So how far did it get?”

“Oh, that. I don’t know. I touched his penis. Not impressed.”

“Small?” I said. I made up for my lack of experience by reading extensively about sex. I knew the average erect penis was six inches long. I’d studied pictures on the Internet to determine what they looked like so I wouldn’t be surprised when I saw one for the first time, and for other, less scientific reasons.

“Medium, I guess? I don’t know, I’m not
that
much of an expert. It was kind of…purplish. It looked angry.”

I laughed. “Also like a badger?”

Lila laughed too. “Yeah, exactly. He wanted me to suck him off. He just, like,
presented
it to me. Like I’m going to be like, ‘Oh my God, your dick! What a thrilling surprise!’ ”

I thought of making out with Drummond, seeing that he had an erection, that he wanted me to touch him. I shivered. “So you needing to wash your mouth out…”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t go through with it. As soon as he showed it off, I pretended I had to throw up. By the time I got back from the bathroom, he’d passed out on his desk chair, so I took his bed. I left before he woke up this morning. Thank God he has a separate entrance. That was convenient, huh? Can you imagine if I’d run into his mom?”

“So I guess you don’t like him anymore,” I said.

“I don’t know. I might give him another chance. Maybe I can teach him how to pull his lips over his teeth.”

Panic fluttered in me again. She could keep him if she wanted him; it was her choice. He wanted her either way. I would never have that.

“You’re lucky,” I said.

“Lucky like a badger.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Shut up.”