Every Shattered Thing (Come Alive) (8 page)

If dad finds out...

Kevin squeezes my hand, bringing me out of the flood of pain and memory. He makes short tutting noises with his tongue as we walk.

“This isn’t okay, Steph. It’s just not...”

I interrupt him, bringing one of my hands up to motion the conversation over. “Kevin. Just don’t.”

We continue for awhile—both lost in our thoughts and all our questions about the future. Once again, he’s the first to break the silence.

“Does Emma know about this?” he questions, shock still radiating from his eyes. I stay quiet for awhile, trying to figure out how to answer.

“Not directly,” I say. “”She knows my dad has the authorities wrapped, but she doesn’t know how or why he’s managed to get away with so much.”

Kevin places his hands in his pockets and then pulls them out—blowing on the insides to warm them up and protect them from the biting cold. “Have you ever thought about telling her? What if she and Jude knew? Don’t you think...”

“I can’t.” My words are firm. A warning. “And neither can you.”

I purposefully walk a little faster so Kevin gets the hint to stop pushing the issue. I’m a little bit ahead of him and my stomach starts to growl in protest of not getting anything since upchucking after seeing Valerie and my dad. I think about the gooey goodness of Cloud Nine’s cinnamon rolls and the impending doom surrounding my Physics test. You know, things normal teenagers would think about —

not being traded for sex or knowing their dad is fucking one of their friends. The mood swing is drastic; I’m well aware. But, there’s nothing I can do to stop it when it comes. It’s pretty simple, really. I feel one way, and I don’t like it, so I feel something else. Right now? I feel hunger. Hunger, and worry about school.

I need normalcy and I need to not think about the fact that I just gave my boyfriend every reason to run as far away from me as possible.

“Hey Steph—wait up.”

Kevin’s footsteps strike a quick cadence against the sidewalk as he works to catch up with me. He grabs my hand and pulls me back in step with him. Glancing at me out of the corner of his eye he stumbles through his words.

“Don't be mad at me, Stephanie. It’s just...this is fucked up. And I’m not buying it’s because we live in different worlds and there are different rules so I don’t really know how to respond.” He grabs my face with his hands and I notice there are tears threatening the corners of his eyes. “You need to hear me.

Okay? Hear me.
This is fucked up.
It’s not okay. And I need time to figure this out and I need to know how the hell I’m ever going to look at your dad without beating the shit out of him. It’s absolutely maddening to know someone you care about needs protecting and you can do nothing to protect them.”

We stare at each other in silence, frozen in our spots on the sidewalk. I can see the Cloud Nine sign blinking neon in the distance, and just past that on the horizon, a blinding shade of orange bursting into red catches my attention.

“The sky is screaming.” My voice cracks against the quiet and startles Kevin out of his thoughts.

He looks at the sky and then back at me.

“What?” he asks.

I point at the sunrise. “Look at the sky. It’s screaming. The colors are begging us to notice. The reds dancing and making a soft shade of pink on the clouds’ underbellies and the blue fighting for its own place in the sky.” I look at him and shrug my shoulders, “The sky screams for people to notice —even when we know no one will. I’ve said it before. The sunrise? It’s my constant. Even on the nights where I have to close my eyes to shut out things to simply survive, I always know the morning sky will scream my discontent to a world not listening. It’s violently beautiful and echoes my heart.” I stop, realizing Kevin is staring at me. Again.

A girl could get use to this,
I think a bit pleased. I raise an eyebrow and look at him, waiting.

“You’re doing it again,” I say.

“Doing what?” he replies.

“Staring. Burning a hole into my face with your eyes. What gives?”

Kevin looks at me and pulls a stray hair from my ponytail between his fingers, watching the new sunlight make iridescent gold patterns on my uncut layers.

“You sound like a poet,” he says, smiling gently.

My insides become a puddle at the bottom of my rib cage.
If only he knew just what he was
capable of with those blasted eyes,
I think to myself, trying to focus on what he’s saying. It seems important, judging by the intensity of his eyes and the set of his lips. I’m able to regain composure when he starts speaking again.

“When you speak, you sound like a poet. A broken, hurting, incomplete, yet hopeful poet.” He leans forward and whispers so softly I can barely hear him. “
I sometimes hold it half a sin to put in words
the grief I feel; For words, like Nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul within
.”

“Tennyson.” I reply, my breath short with surprise that Kevin’s quoting one of my favorite poets.

He nodded, “Yeah. We read him the other day in English and it reminded me of you. You always

‘faintly trust the larger hope’ in anything you do. It amazes me.”

“It’s the only thing I
can
do. My life, as you have witnessed first hand, isn’t ideal. But I can hope, and I can dream, and I can look for moments when I feel alive—because I am. Still alive, despite everything.”

He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “That reminds me of something I heard in church once. Something about God being able to restore the years the locusts ate.” He catches my frown and continues, “Yeah, I’m not very religious either. But it’s kind of nice to think about the possibility of getting back some of the years you’d rather forget. Kind of like a new beginning, you know?”

I nod slowly. “Yeah. A new beginning. Sounds almost too good to be true.”

He leans towards me and rests his forehead against mine. “Just remember, you have people who want to hope with you.”

I smile and shake my head, almost unwilling to believe him. I step back from him and study his face, “Kevin - why are you with me?”

His eyebrows raise and he chuckles. “What?” I can tell my question has unnerved him. He clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair before looking at me again.

“I mean it. Why are you, the football star who everyone loves, with me? The invisible one?” My eyes grow thin and I place my hands on my hips. “This isn’t one of those stupid pranks is it? Like those lame teen movies where the jock has to go through with a bet to date the ugly girl?” I can feel my heartbeat pick up as I’m asking him questions that have been on my mind since we started talking.

Regardless of what he says, it just doesn’t make sense. We seem to fit together—yes. But, how’d this even happen?

He’s shaking his head before I can even finish my questions. “Steph. Seriously? Listen to yourself.” He pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. “Close your eyes. Breathe. Think about what you’re asking.” He lifts my head and pushes me hair back out of my eyes. “I’m with you because I care about you. I’m with you because ever since we bumped into each other at the coffee shop I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I’m with you regardless of what others say and what others think because I know it’s right. And your past—your family—the other skeletons in your closet—those mean nothing to me. Nothing. I’m in love with
you
Stephanie. All of you.”

My heart keeps beating heavily, but in a different rhythm than the fear and dread she was playing a few minutes before. “I don’t deserve you,” I whisper and he wipes the tear off my cheek.

“Yes, you do. You deserve every good thing this world has to offer —including my love. And I’ll spend my life proving to you that you won’t ever have to worry about it being there.”

I poke his chest as my stomach lets out an audible protest. “Really, Kevin? That seems a little ridiculous, considering.” I cock an eyebrow and pull my hair out of the ponytail, running my fingers through the tangled strands. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things don’t last forever.”

I look away from his gaze, hiding the emotions demanding attention. Everything inside of me wants to believe him—wants to trust. But I just don’t know if I can. My stomach growls again and I grab his hand. “Look, can we go eat now? I’m done talking about this.” I nod my head towards the still-blinking sign. “I’m starving and I need to study. Not the greatest combination considering it’s almost 6:30.” I look at him. “School starts in two hours, whether we like it or not.”

Kevin reaches for my hood and pulls it over my head with a grin, completely ignoring my second extreme mood-swing of the morning.

“Kevin!” I complain, but I’m stopped short by him leaning in to give me a lingering peck on the lips.

“Race you,” he whispers and pulls away, my heart still shaking from the sudden and intimate contact.

He’s off and running before I am able to comprehend what just happened. Looking over his shoulder he waves and hollers, “First one there gets the gooey center!” I gape and break into a full sprint,
there’s no way I am going to catch him,
I think.

He reaches the door a split second before I do and I collapse into him, breathless from running.

Laughing, he opens the door and we walk in, instantly hit with the aromas of a diner in the morning.

“Hey guys. How many?” The host smiles and hesitates for a few seconds at Kevin’s face,

enamored. I step closer and grab his hand.

“Two,” I say, daring her to match my gaze.

Her smile falters and she awkwardly turns to grab two menus.

“Follow me,” she says, and her voice is a bit more subdued now. I try to hide a smile and glance at Kevin.

“What was that about?” he leans in, whispering in my ear.

“Nothing.” I squeeze his arm before sliding into the booth. I smile sweetly and take the menu from the host, fighting the laughter in my throat. Her smile is less than friendly and laced with a jealousy I’ve never experienced.

Kevin notices and raises an eyebrow. “Okay. I saw that look. What did you do to her?”

I glance at Kevin and point my spoon at him, “I told you. Nothing. I just saw her giving you the eye, so I let her know you were taken.”

He starts to blush. “Stephanie, she wasn’t looking at me like that.”

I glance out of the corner of my eye and catch her back at the host stand, stealing glances our way and whispering with the girl who just walked in from the kitchen. I sigh. Boys could be so blind sometimes. A grin creeps across my face and I meet his gaze.

“You’re right. I was probably just reading too much into it.” I stick my straw in my mouth and begin chewing as he creases his forehead and tries to keep up with the shift in my behavior.

“I’m...sorry. Did you just say I was right?”

I grab the nearest ketchup packet and throw it at his face. It lands in the center of his nose. He shouts with laughter. I’m not given any time to respond before our waitress walks up and hands us our coffee.

“What can I get you two today? You two gonna split one of our rolls?”

I watch her and and think of all the stereotypes of diner waitresses—because this one fits them all. She pulls her arm up to her mouth and coughs into the crease of her elbow—a low, choking smoker’s cough.

“Well, lord. Sorry about that. I haven’t been able to take my break.” Her laughter is short and deep , her chest rising and falling, bouncing when she giggles. I watch Kevin’s nose turn up in just the slightest at her cough and I rush in to break the silence before she sees the disgust crossing his face.

“We’ll take the cinnamon roll, please.”

She look at me and raises an eyebrow, writing in her server notebook.

“Just one?”

I glance at Kevin and smile. “Yeah. Just one.”

“Hmph. Alright. Would you like butter or brown sugar sprinkled on top?”

“Butter.”

“Good choice, hon,” She gives me a once over again and picks her teeth with the pen. “You need some meat on those bones.”

My cheeks turn under her scrutiny and I clear my throat. She stabs her pocket with her notebook and grabs the pitcher of water off the near by counter.

“Your roll will be ready shortly." And with a wink towards Kevin she walks off, her hips swaying to the rhythm of the Chuck Berry song blaring from the jukebox.

Kevin and I stare at each other, biting our lips until she is out of earshot. As soon as she turns the corner, we burst out laughing.

“Kevin, please tell me you saw that one. Please tell me you saw her looking at you.”

He wrinkles his nose, “I saw. She’s like, twice my age.” He shudders. “I’m so not into this whole cougar thing.”

We laugh again and settle in. I hear giggling over to my right, and I glance at the two hosts manning their station. One is mocking me and the other is joining in with laughter. I grab Kevin’s hand from across the table. He glances up at me and smiles, rubbing my hand with his thumb.

The giggling stops and I take another look, catching one of the girl’s eyes, I smile and wave.

Chapter Seven

Kevin coughs and I glance back at him. He’s watching the waitress headed our way with

breakfast. The cinnamon roll covers the entire plate and you can smell the butter melting all over the sides, with only a small square left on top, seeping into the middle. She sets the plate between us and gives him a wink before walking to another table. I grab my fork and dig in, careful not to drip sauce on my physics book open in front of me.

Kevin forks his own mouthful and closes his eyes in satisfaction before looking at me. “Have you been able to study much?”

I smile. I’d grabbed my book as soon as the girls at the host stand stopped staring at us and I knew we could eat in peace. But, since pulling the book out, I had done more studying of Kevin’s face than the concepts of Planck’s constant.

“A little.” I shrug my shoulders and stuff another piece of gooey dough in my mouth before he could ask me something else. He turns his head and looks at me from his right eye.