Everything Changes (36 page)

“Oh spare me the fucking bullshit!” His hand
slammed down on the bed of the truck. He wasn’t giving up easily. “You didn’t
see what was right in front of you!”

“What didn’t I see?”

“That I was lying at your feet waiting,” he
finally said, his chin quivering. “I was waiting for you to tell
me
to stay, tell
me
you felt the same way. All that time…four goddamn months in the
hospital, I waited for you to at least call. I waited for you to call just
once!”

“And what? Tell you I loved you and have you
throw away a factory ride on a small town girl you messed around with? Don’t
you see, I didn’t want to be that girl!”

“You’ve never been someone I’ve
just
messed around with. You know that.”

“Regardless of what I was, Parker, I refused to
be
that
girl.”

“Kayla...” He hung his head when he finally
realized why I left Anaheim. “That’s why you left that night in
Anaheim...because of her? You thought you were just some booty call, didn’t
you?”

I shrugged. There wasn’t much I could say right
then. His expression made me want to take everything I had been saying back.
His gaze faltered for the briefest moment, but it was enough to let me know I
was wrong.

“Let’s just…it’s not worth fighting over.” My
eyes burned from the tears and the cool night air. I shifted my stance, curling
into myself with my arms hugging my waist. “I’m glad you’re okay and I want us
to be friends.”

That set him off again. “That’s where you’re
wrong. This...” he motioned between us with an agitated flick of his wrist
“...is worth fighting for! I’m not okay. I’m not okay with you marrying another
man, and I’m sure as shit NOT okay!”

I sighed and his anger flared again. All these
years Parker had suppressed his anger around me and now he couldn’t stop.

“Jesus Christ, Ro, you act as though I shouldn’t
feel any of this—like it never happened. You think I have a choice…I don’t. I
don’t have any choice in this! I love you. I can’t just let you go. Believe me,
I’ve fucking tried. I’ve tried for years…I want to let you go.”

“Why?”

“Why what?” His voice softened but there was
still that edge that could twist any minute.

“Why was I the one?”

He stared at me for a long moment letting his
tears fall freely. He swallowed, his voice cracking. “You didn’t feel it, did
you?”

“Parker…” I turned trying to take the bottle
again. He struggled and then pushed me away.

“Don’t, Rowan. Please just...” his hands roughly
gathered mine. “I can’t be this close to you if…I just can’t. I can’t look and
you and forget what we had, what I thought you knew.”

Pushing myself back to the edge of the tailgate,
I started crying harder. “I loved you. I did. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I
couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. With everything in my life always
uncertain, I needed something I could count on. I can’t count on anything but
Sean. Even though my heart belongs to you, he is what’s stable.”

He nodded but said nothing.

The night air whipped around us creating a breeze
when Parker pushed himself from the bed of the truck, dusting of his jeans. He
stumbled and leaned against the bumper. His arms crossed over his chest, the
pale moonlight highlighting the scar on his neck from the numerous procedures
he went through in the hospital.

He was right. I never called. I never went to him
when he was hanging on to life. I was with another man. How many more mistakes
would we make?

Parker shook his head, bowing towards his feet.
“I’ll never stop loving you.”

Turning towards Parker, my arms reached needing
to feel him and comfort him any way I could. His eyes closed and I felt his chest
shake and then his arms curled around me.

I gasped when I realized he was crying harder,
his face pressed into my neck and my hair, his lips shaking. “I love you... I
don’t want to let you go.”

“I don’t want you too,” I admitted in a whisper.
I knew he heard me though.

Pulling back, his eyes searched mine. Blinking
away his tears, he moved closer, widening his stance as he picked me up and set
me on the tailgate. He moved between my legs, his hands sweeping over my thighs
before he slipped between them to stand closer. Running my fingertips over the
scar along his scalp, I apologized. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

He didn’t wait for me to answer before his lips
were on mine. The same desperate need was there. We always had this way about
us that seemed like our bodies took over, needing to feel something to just
calm our nerves. Now wasn’t any different. To my surprise, he pulled away and
stumbled back.

“You should leave.” He shook his head against his
own will. “You need to go home, Ro. I can’t be around you right now.”

It seemed like a good idea. We had said a lot to
each other, and I was mentally drained. I wanted nothing more than to crawl
into bed and cry myself to sleep at my shitty decisions.

Do you ever look at your life and think to
yourself, if only I did this differently?

Yeah, well, I thought that a lot these days.

When I got home that night, Sean wasn’t there but
Addy
was, waiting to comfort me.

“You okay, sweetie?”

I cried for nearly three hours in her arms and
told her everything I hadn’t over the last few years.
Addy
would always be my best friend, but I just felt like I couldn’t tell anyone how
childish I was really being. I mean who really ran away to sleep with one guy
while dragging another around? Me. I did.

The
worst part was I hurt Parker.

CHAPTER 22

Rowan Jensen

Tank
Slapper

A tank slapped would be
an incident on the track when a rider skids his bike and it slides to the left
and then the right, as though the back of the bike were being hit from
different directions, before the rider can correct it.

July
18, 2002

At work, Parker and I tried to avoid each other,
but it was impossible. For one, we worked together, and two, there was that
draw that we just couldn’t break.

One night when I was locking up, I heard music
coming from the shop. I thought it might have been Sean. I really wanted to
talk to him about this whole wedding thing. Curious to see if Sean was back
from his Alaska trip early, I peeked my head out only to find Parker out there
working on a Chevy pickup. That draw led me outside where I didn’t belong.

“You’re still here,” I said, trying to make
conversation. “It’s pretty late to be at work, isn’t it?”

Parker grunted as a reply but said nothing.
Instead, he kept his head done while replacing the brakes on Ford pickup in his
stall.

Watching him work was when it hit me that this
had to be difficult for him too. He went from being a pro rider just a few
months ago to replacing brakes on a truck.

“Parker, can we at least talk? I hate this.”

He turned, dropping the tools to the ground. The
sound echoed off the walls and I jumped back. “You hate this? Really? That’s
what you have to say?”

I started to walk away. I didn’t want to argue,
not now. I wanted to be adults about this, but obviously he didn’t.

The crash of tools had me turning back around to
see Parker hunched over a tool car, body shaking, gripping the handle.

I reached out for his back. He turned and faced
me, his jaw trembling. “Hey,” I said, pressing my fingers to his cheeks,
searching his eyes. “Hey,” I said again, like I was coaxing him to look at me.

Then Parker just gave in, dropping his face into
my hands like he used to the day before I would leave, his eyes pained and
vulnerable.

And then his lips were on mine. They were soft,
just as I remembered from the other night. When he gasped against my lips and
pushed me against his tool box, his mouth was hungry and frantic. I could feel
his want swell against my stomach. I wanted to badly to reach inside his jeans
and feel him and remember.

I panicked and pushed him away.

We stood there face to face, breathing heavy,
when Parker sighed and stepped away, picking up the tools he knocked over.

“This
can’t
happen,” I said, trying to
convince myself my actions were ridiculous. “I’m getting married.”

Parker slammed the hammer he was holding against
the wall. “You don’t think I fucking know that, Rowan!” His voice was hard as
he stepped closer, his breath blowing across my face. “I want to leave you
alone. But you’re here, all around me, haunting me. You do things, say things...you
suffocate me without even trying.” His voice was lower, just above a whisper,
as his eyes that held mine dropped to the concrete floor. “I want to leave you
alone...” he nodded “...
but
I can’t.”

That
but
seemed to be the same
but
I had.

I couldn’t be here...
but
I was. I didn’t
want to marry Sean
but
I was. I never
wanted to leave Parker
but
I did. I
didn’t want things to change
but
they
did.

“Leave,” he told me when I reached for him. His
voice was desperate and pleading.

“No.”

“Goddamn it, Rowan,” he screamed, trying to make
me see what I was doing to him by being here, “
leave
!”

I couldn’t help it. Neither of us could.

Whatever the force was that drove us together all
these year was doing everything in its power to drive us together now. I knew
this was wrong. Jesus, it was so wrong, but it didn’t stop either of us.

Parker’s face grew solemn as we stood there
staring at each other, his breathing slowed. “I’ve tried to forget you
but
I can’t.”

There was that
but
again.

July
20, 2002

A few days passed after the night in the shop.
Again, we avoided each other, but we always managed to run into one another.

The next time was when I agreed to go have a drink
with
Addy
and Justin. Sure enough, Parker was there.
I was sort pissed at
Addy
because she knew the
situation, but she kept getting us together. She didn’t like Sean and did
everything she could to make me see Parker.

The thing was for the first time since I had met
him, Parker was a dick to me.

It started sometime after his third beer and got worse
by the sixth. Justin tried to get him to leave a few times, even took his keys
and offered to drive him home, but he wouldn’t leave.

He slurred his words and wasn’t making any sense and
I wanted to punch him.

“So tell me, Ro,” Parker said to me, his eyes half
closed. “Is Sean that good in bed? He must not be if you kept coming back to
me.”

Like I said, he was being a dick and I refused to
acknowledge him. Eying
Addy
, I gave her a look that
screamed she was in trouble for setting this up.

“Come on, man...” Justin reached for Parker’s beer
“...I think you’ve had enough for one night.”

Parker grunted his reply, pushing himself from the
table and tossing a twenty down. “Yeah, I have had enough.”

Addy
sighed when Parker
left, her eyes on mine. “You should go talk to him.”

Of course she thought that. Shaking my head, I took
one more drink from my own beer and stood. “He hates me. I don’t see how I’m
going to convince him of anything.”

Justin shook his head setting his own beer on the
table. I looked at
Addy
and she looked defeated as if
this had ruined her night. “He doesn’t hate you, Ro, he never could. He’s just
confused and hurt.”

I understood that very well because I felt the same
way. That was the part they were forgetting. All this time I told myself I
couldn’t have a life with Parker and that it was out of the question. Now, the
opportunity was here.

I found Parker sitting on the tailgate of his truck
staring off into the woods, his legs dangling on the edge.

“I can’t find my keys,” he said when I stood next to
him.

“I know…” I patted my pocket. “I have them.”

“Give them back.” He scowled, trying to persuade me
with a look. It wasn’t working. There was no way I was letting him drive this
drunk.

We said nothing for close to twenty minutes when I
tried to get him to look at me. I had some things I wanted to say.

“Are you still marrying that douchebag?”

I shook my head and sighed. He really was being a
dick tonight. “Stop it. Stop acting like this.”

Parker grunted, removing himself from the tailgate
to stand in front of me. His hands hung loosely on his hips as he faced the
woods behind the bar, his breathing rapid.

I placed my hand on his back
but he refused to look at me. “Parker?” Why I was comforting him after all this
was beyond me. I was angry that he made me feel this way, so of course I turned
it around on him. When he jerked away from me, my temper came to life. “You
said we would always be friends, no matter what. Remember? Now look at us!
You’re such a hypocrite!” I yelled, pulling away from him to look at his face
finally.