Everything I Want (27 page)

“Are you all right?” I hear Tristan and I slowly look over my shoulder and nod before turning back to face Cory.

I can hear him stepping in closer. But not saying anything more. He stands behind me the entire time that I’m here. Tristan never leaving, but not pushing either and that endearment I will always hold on to.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Madison Square Garden. We’re all sitting around the table, silently. It has been a few weeks since Cory’s funeral. I haven’t seen nor talked to Lux since then. Tristan stood with me that day ‘til I was ready to finally leave. He drove me back to my apartment in Ann Arbor. Only things that would come out of his mouth were directions to where I lived. I can still remember though, what he said to me when we pulled up to my apartment.

“This is where you live?”

“Yes” is all I can say to him. We sit there for a moment in silence again. I find silence right now very peaceful. Once I would hate the silence; but right now, I find it soothing. I just don’t want to think about anything. I just like this numb feeling I have going on. It’s almost like I’m walking through a dream. Looking out my window, I know I should be getting inside, but I can’t.

“Do you want me to come up? You know, for some company,” Tristan says to me softly. Still looking out the window, I shake my head no.

“Well, would you mind if maybe I call you sometime?” Looking over to him, his face is gentle and caring. Once his eyes were dark are now soft and filled with remorse.

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Tristan.” My voice is low and flat. I have no strength to show any emotion right now. I feel like it all bled out of me. Tristan’s eyes pinch together as he closes them tight, as if he were in pain. I turn to look out the window again, reaching for the door handle. Tristan gently reaches over and stops my hands from grabbing it. “Wait.” Looking back at him, his eyes are still pinched together, trying to find words. “I’m sorry.” Looking down at his hand holding mine I ask. “What for? For Cory?” Opening his eyes, he looks completely lost. Shaking his head, I know what he’s sorry for and I really don’t want to hear. I take my other hand and place it on top of his. His grip on my hand that he’s holding loosens up. Biting my lip, I pull his hand off mine and he lets me. Opening the door, I start to exit the car but before I shut the door, I lean in. Tristan is holding his breath and his eyes pleading. “Thank you, Tristan. Thank you for everything.” With that, I shut his door and wave him off. He’s still parked out front when I enter my apartment complex. Turning back around to look out the window, I see the tail lights of his car, pulling away. I want to so badly to forget everything that has happened, but I know right now, it’s not the right time.

We hear a knock at the door and then Lux peeks his head in,
still dressed as sharp as ever, he walks over to us slowly. “Hello,” he says to us. He brings over a chair and sits beside Roger and Jared, across from me. Looking at each of us in the eyes, Lux goes on. “I just want to thank you guys for making it tonight. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that Caleb has been working very hard on the material. I know he’s not Cory, but I believe that his heart is in the right place and he’s just as good.” I know Caleb can play just as good. He’s been in a rock band for almost ten years. But Cory had his own flare, one that I know we’ll never hear or see again.

“So anyways, after tonight’s show, you guys will have a couple months off before we start promoting and marketing. I need everyone to try and be in the best mindset that they can be in a couple months. Cory would’ve wanted that. He worked very hard with you guys to get Dollar Settlement somewhere and I know it hurts but you can’t just throw that away.” Lux’s words strike a chord in me. He was absolutely right and us giving up now would mean everything we worked so hard for would be wasted.

Smiling I reach over and pat Lux’s hand. “You’re right, sir.” Lux smiles back and looks over to the other guys. “Yeah you are. He would’ve wanted that.” Jared says to him. “Yeah, he would be so pissed if we pussied out like Jared’s hair over here.” Roger points to Jared’s new do he’s been trying. And that little comment, well, insult, on Jared made us all start laughing. Who would’ve thought that something so small would finally bring laughter back into our lungs. Jared is smiling, shaking his head. “Whatever man, you’re just jealous.”

“Jealous of what? Flat ironing?” Watching these two go at it really helps right now and before I knew it. It was time to go on.

“Are you guys ready now?” Lux stands, straightening out his suit. “Yeah.” I say to him and we start to walk out of the room. Meeting us by the stage is Caleb. He actually looks nervous. And I’ve never in all my time with him, seen him nervous. He turns around and looks at us. “Hey.” He says and I walk over to him. “How you doing there Caleb?”

“Oh you know, good I guess. How are you guys doing?”

“Good. We’re doing good.” Looking around, I notice that Tristan isn’t standing nearby. For some reason, I was kind of wanting him to.

“All right guys, it’s showtime.” Lux walks up and points to the stage. Thousands of people are here. It’s Undead’s last show before they start the European leg of their tour.

Looking back over to my guys, I open my arms so I can take them in before going on stage. Roger, Matt and Jared all come around and we’re in one big circle, holding each other for a moment with our heads touching. “God please give us the strength to do this and Cory… This is for you.”

Pulling away we turn and walk out on stage. The lights are off while the boys hurry and get to their spots. Walking up to the mic, I pull it off the stand. Looking over my shoulder, to see how Caleb is doing, Tristan catches my eye. He’s standing in the exact same spot, off the stage, where he would always stand when we performed. Only now I don’t feel a cold stare or intimidation. I feel comfort and peace. Even though we’re not together, and a lot of fucked up shit happened between us. I still find that seeing him always there, great comfort. Looking straight ahead again, I begin to speak into the mic. “Hey, New York!” Applause and cheers come from the audience.

And that feeling that I thought I would never be able to have again is back. That feeling you only get when you’re onstage. The excitement you feel coming off the audience and the thrill of performing. This is why we started this band. This is why we’re here. And Caleb begins to play and the boys follow suit.

After our set is over, I turn around and jog over to Caleb. Before he can even set the guitar down, I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in. “Whoa!” He says, laughing. “Thank you so much.” I kiss him on the cheek, then release him. “You’re welcome.” He winks at me then walks off the stage, talking with Roger and Jared. Slowly trailing behind them, Tristan stands in front of me, stopping me. “Sophia, I need to talk to you.” Oh boy. I have a good feeling what he wants to discuss. But now isn’t the time nor place for this. Stepping aside, trying to get out of his way, he moves swiftly back in front of me. “Please… I haven’t texted or called you. I left you completely alone just like you wanted. Can you just give me one damn minute please.” This isn’t the Tristan I know. Before he would intimidate me or threaten almost when not having his way. But now he seems panicked and uneasy. Nothing like his collective self before. Looking over my shoulder at the roadies setting up the stage I turn back and face Tristan. “You literally have one minute.” His eyes light up and gently pushes me off to the side so we’re in the corridor. Searching my eyes, Tristan softly speaks. “Listen I know I fucked up.” Rolling my eyes, I already heard this shit a hundred times before. “Damn it, Sophia! Just stop it. Stop it!” My eyes widen and he has my attention, old Tristan is making his comeback. Blowing out a breath, he relaxes his shoulders and cups my face in his palms, so that I’m staring right in his eyes. “I mean it. I can’t tell you enough. That night, I was angry. At first I thought I was angry at you for turning me down, but that wasn’t it. I was fucking angry at myself for falling for you. And that threw me off, so I handled it stupidly. I got wasted and took in the first thing I thought would help. I never really did the girlfriend thing before, and I wanted to with you. That scared and pissed me off so fucking much. I really can’t explain it, but when I saw you, in the door way like that. It all came back to me what I really wanted. Shit! Sophia, I love you… ” My eyes start to sting. Oh my god, don’t cry. Don’t cry over him. He’s a rock star, he did it once when we were not together, just think if we had been.

Trying to shake my head free, he holds on tighter, pulling me in closer to him. “I love you, Sophia. Hurting you was the biggest fucking mistake I have ever made. I was protecting you from everyone else but then I ended up hurting you the most. I’m so fucking sorry. But please… Please give me a chance. I will never hurt you again baby, please.”

“You guys are on!” I hear one of the roadies yell over Tristan’s shoulder. But he doesn’t budge. Reaching up with my hands, I gently pry his hands off my face. My eyes are so glassy, but I still manage to hold my tears in. “NO!” I say to him and his face falls. “Wh-What?” He’s in disbelief.

“Thank you, Tristan, for apologizing, but it’s too late. I forgive you, really I do. But… right now you have your tour, and we have to deal with a loss and our album. This is just not the right time.” Tristan takes one step back, but before he walks to the stage he says. “You’re afraid, Sophia. You’re a fucking coward!”
What!
“Excuse me?” My voice becoming stronger now. “You fucking heard me, you’re afraid to fall in love. Shit, Sophia, I can’t tell you enough how fucking stupid I was, but you just have to believe me, that I will never hurt you again.”

“I’m not afraid of falling in love. But we only were together for a short time. And you fucked someone else. Like I said, Tristan! I forgiven you on that, but I will never forget. And right now, I want my band to go somewhere. We’ve come too damn far to turn back now. And I’m not going to throw it away.”

“Tristan, come on man!” I hear Gunner yelling at him off from the stage. But Tristan doesn’t care. He’s just staring back at me, his jaw clenching and his fists balled up.

“Go on, Tristan… ” I tilt my chin over to the stage. “Thousands of people want you right now, don’t worry about me—”

“I don’t fucking care what they want! I want you!” He yells and everyone around us stops and looks over. Shit! Why is he making a scene, crossing my arms, I roll my eyes at him. “Bye Tristan. Have a good tour.” And I hurry up and take off down the hallway so he doesn’t try to leave the stage. He yells back at me. “This isn’t over yet Sophia. This isn’t over.” Waving my hand up in the air toward him, I duck into the nearest room.

Falling down hard on the chair, Frankie comes in. “Tsk tsk… ” Looking up at him, I run my hands through my hair. “Girl… what are you going to do?”

Confused at what just happened between me and Tristan, I stare up at him blankly. “Mm-hmm… That’s what I thought.”

Excerpt from
Everything I Need

Author’s Note:
Everything I Need
is the continuation of Sophia & Tristan’s story. This excerpt is unedited and subject to change.

Chapter one

Tristan

“Hey.”

“Good morning Tristan. How have you been?” Lux chimes in through the line. That mother fucker knows exactly how I’ve been. Some say hiding out while others call it, taking a break to clean up. I can admit I fucked up pretty bad during our European tour. I was wasted 24/7. I just had to be numb. It was the only way I could cope. After what I put Sophia through, I hated myself. “Alright, you?”

“Well I’ve been better. Listen I’ve talked to the other guys, it’s time to start recording your sixth album.” He pauses on the line,
Lux, nervous?
This is new, that fucker is usually so sure of himself.

“The studio wants you to collaborate with a leading lady in the business.”

Oh shit.

Rolling my eyes, I reach for my beer. I’ve kind of gotten used to staying out here in Wyoming but I know it’s time to go back to LA.
Collaborate?
What the fuck!

“I don’t know about that Lux?” He must sense that I’m sketchy, because he clears his throat and continues.

“You have to Tristan. The studio wants this and they want your voice to be the lead.”

“What? I own my fair share of the label man. And I don’t want to do a fucking duet. Come on… This is bullshit!”

“Come on Tristan, don’t make this difficult. Don’t you want to know who they picked for the female lead?”

“I don’t fucking care Lux. It doesn’t matter who they p—”

“Sophia… ” Lux says suddenly, stopping me.
What?
The last couple years did Dollar Settlement pretty good. After Cory’s passing they took a small break but got at it again. Every time I see or hear Sophia’s voice over the radio or on TV, it’s just a painful reminder how I fucked everything up.

Not being able to pull my words together, Lux continues on.

“Yep, that’s what I thought. See you in two weeks at the studio.”