Everything Left Unsaid (16 page)
Read Everything Left Unsaid Online
Authors: Jessica Davidson
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Fantasy & Magic
‘What am I going to do if I don’t get in to uni?’
‘You will.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘You don’t know that you won’t.’
She shrugs, like,
I don’t want to play that game, Tai
.
I don’t know what to say, so I just pat her on the shoulder. The next time our teacher turns to write something on the board, she whispers, ‘I want to go home,’ and it’s small and sad-sounding. All I can think of is to hold her hand, and with the hand not clutching hers I write a note to Gen.
Has Juliet said anything to you? I think the stress of everything is totally getting to her. I don’t know, she’s being weird.
While Juliet stares out the window I throw the note to Gen, sitting a couple of rows up.
The response from Gen doesn’t come back until the end of class, and even then it’s sneakily done, a tiny folded square held up between two fingers behind Juliet’s back, while Gen hugs her. I snatch the note away, tell them I’ll see them later, and we head in opposite directions. It’s only in the next class that I open it up and read.
She just loves you, that’s all. Like, a lot. She’s worried about you, she’s worried about the exams – she’s just constantly stressed, and the only thing that changes is what she’s worried about.
At lunchtime, Juliet’s waiting by our lockers, and I grab her hand, pull her away from everyone. ‘Let me help,’ I say. ‘Tell me what I can do.’
That afternoon, I sit on Tai’s bedroom floor with a maths textbook.
‘I don’t get it,’ I say. ‘I just don’t get it.’ He starts explaining again, more slowly this time, and I can’t help it, I start glaring at him.
‘What?’
‘How come you have to be so damn smart all the time?’
‘Just lucky, I guess. How come you have to be so damn pretty all the time?’ He leans over to kiss me, and I’m so tempted to grab him around the neck, make it last longer, but instead I pull away.
‘Okay. So once I measure that, what do I need to do?’
He sighs. ‘So then you get your compass and—’
‘Stab myself in the eye?’
Once he’s gone over it a thousand times, and it’s late, he closes the textbook and looks at me.
Too tired, girl. Go home
. I close my books, too. ‘Thanks, Tai.’
‘That’s okay. See you tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow.’
The next morning, I’m eating breakfast, trying not to laugh at River and Hendrix. They were supposed to wash up after dinner last night, but they didn’t, and Mum’s declared they’re not getting breakfast until they do. But in between drying the forks with tea towels, they’re flicking them at each other, trying to inflict as much pain as possible. River’s littler, and not such a good shot, but all of a sudden he manages a great one and Hendrix howls with pain. When I laugh, Hendrix marches over, indignant, and flicks his tea towel at me.
It’s a good shot, I’ll give him that much. He manages to flick my collarbone in such a way that not only does a bruise appear but there’s a thin line of blood, too. I’m suitably impressed but Mum, who has just walked into the kitchen to see how the drying up is progressing, is horrified.
‘Hendrix! Don’t you
dare
do that to Tai. He’s
sick
, Hendrix, and you don’t understand—’
‘No,
you
don’t understand. And you don’t even try to.’ Hendrix bursts into tears, throws the tea towel to the floor, and runs from the room.
To her credit, Mum looks suitably guilty. ‘I overreacted, didn’t I?’
‘Yeah. Just a little.’
She sighs. ‘I’d better go find him.’
‘Let me do it, Mum.’
Hendrix is hiding under his bed, and I get down low to peek at him. ‘Hey, Hendrix.’
He turns his face to the wall so I can’t see him crying. I slide under the bed with him, and cuddle him.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just playing.’
‘I know. And it didn’t hurt. Mum just lost the plot for a minute.’
‘I made you bleed, Tai,’ he says, and a fresh lot of tears erupts.
‘Hey. Come on. It’s okay. It wasn’t that hard – it’s just because of the medicine I have to take. And it’s stopped now, anyway.’
Hendrix refuses to look at me.
‘I made Juliet break her arm once,’ I offer. ‘And she still likes me.’
‘Yeah, well I don’t like playing with you anymore anyway.’
‘Why not?’
‘You don’t play like you used to.’
‘I know. Sorry.’
Nothing I can do about that, buddy
.
‘And when you’re asleep Mum tells us off all the time for being too noisy because you need to rest.’ He’s stopped crying now and looks thoroughly irritated. ‘I just want to play with you, that’s all.’
‘Tell you what. Chemo starts next week, right? When I get home, I’ll take you fishing. Just me and you.’
‘Not even River?’
‘Nope.’
A grin explodes across his face. ‘Way cool, Tai.’
Early November
The morning my final exams start is the morning Tai’s due to go back to hospital for another round of chemo. I leave the house early so I have time to walk to Tai’s place and see him before going to school. I’m jittery with nerves and caffeine. I knock before letting myself into his house.
Mia and Stanley are in the lounge room trying to get River and Hendrix ready for school, but they’re too busy hiding behind the couch, yelling that they don’t want to go to Grandma Eve’s after school.
Mia smiles wearily when she sees me then points in the direction of Tai’s room.
Tai’s sitting on his bed, back against the wall, with a defeated look on his face, but he forces it away when he sees me.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey. You ready for your exams?’
‘No. I’m so stressed.’ I’m pacing, mumbling about the chemistry exam that’s first up this morning.
Tai’s watching, amused. ‘Calm down, will you?’
‘I can’t. I don’t want to be a checkout chick when I’m forty.’
He laughs at that. ‘You’ll be fine, all right?’
On an impulse I ask, ‘Can I borrow your blazer?’
‘What?’
‘Your blazer. Can I borrow it? You know, for luck or whatever?’ I don’t want it for luck. I don’t think I even believe in luck anymore. It just smells like him, like his deodorant, and it’s warm like him, and maybe that’ll calm me down for long enough to be able to do this.
‘Yeah. Okay. It’s in the wardrobe.’
I take my blazer off and toss it onto Tai’s bed before finding his and sliding it on.
‘Ready now?’ he asks.
‘Maybe,’ I say, transferring my pens and pencils from my blazer pockets to his. ‘Are you ready for today?’
‘No.’ He clenches his hands into fists and frowns. ‘I hate it. I mean, I
really
hate it. And I don’t see the point. Why go through all of it, being so sick like that, if it’s not going to fix me?’
‘But it gives you more time, right?’
‘Yeah, well maybe I don’t want more time if it’s going to be like that.’
Tai’s about to say something else, and I know it’s going to be something I don’t want to hear – but he stops when he sees the look on my face. ‘Shit. Sorry, girl. Forget about what I said. You need to think about your exams.’
Stanley’s in the doorway, holding a coffee mug in one hand, car keys dangling from his fingers. ‘Tai? It’s time to go.’
While he turns and walks away, Tai stands up carefully, so he doesn’t lose his balance and fall over. I pull him into a hug, holding on until I feel him stop swaying like a kid who’s spun around too many times and gotten dizzy.
‘Juliet?’
‘Mmm?’
‘Can we swap iPods? It might help.’
We swap and then kiss goodbye. While I’m walking to the bus stop, I turn his iPod on, put the headphones in and leave them there until I’m standing outside the school hall where the exams are being held.
Just as everyone is about to go into the room, Miss Thomas comes flapping towards me. ‘Juliet, I’m so glad I caught you,’ she says. ‘I wanted to let you know your application for special consideration was approved.’
‘Oh my god. That’s great.’ I feel a surge of hope.
‘I thought you’d be pleased.’ She beams. Everyone’s starting to file in now, so she says, ‘I won’t hold you up. Good luck.’
We take our seats and the exam papers are handed out. I manage to catch Gen’s eye. ‘Good luck,’ I mouth.
‘You too,’ she replies silently.
Then the bell rings and the teacher at the front of the room announces, ‘You may begin.’
• • •
It’s not as awful as I’d feared. Late-night cramming and Tai’s coaching have paid off.
All the same, by the end of the day I want to crawl into bed and stay there for the next week.
‘Not so bad, was it?’ Gen asks.
‘We have to do this for an entire two weeks?’
Mum drives me to the hospital, where she insists on carrying my bag
and
holding my arm as we walk through the hallways to the paediatric oncology ward. They try to make it all cheerful and whatever, with stickers and stuff all over the walls. It doesn’t hide the medical equipment everywhere, or the smell of this place, or the morbid obsession I have with the fact I could die in one of these rooms. Really, it’s just fucking depressing.
Mum stays with me the entire day, cleaning me up whenever I power-spew, which is a lot, and sympathising whenever I do the
I-don’t-want-to-be-here
glare, which is also a lot. She tries to distract me by asking what I want to do once this round of chemo has finished.
‘Schoolies, of course.’ My throat hurts from so much vomiting and my head is aching. ‘And Sam’s going to take me for a drive somewhere.’
Her face creases into a frown. ‘Oh. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He doesn’t seem like a very sensible driver.’
‘Does that even matter, Mum?’
It’s not like it’s going to change the final outcome
.
‘Of course it matters, Tai! Would you stop saying things like that?’
Shit. I’ve really upset her. ‘Sorry, Mum. I didn’t mean it. He’s a pretty good driver anyway. Besides, it could be worse. Imagine Juliet behind the wheel.’
‘I’d prefer not to think about that.’ She tries to smile.
‘Mum, relax. If he couldn’t drive he wouldn’t have a licence, right?’
‘I don’t even know where to begin with that,’ she says.
I’m about to reply when I have to throw up again, and afterwards I’m too tired to talk.
The next fortnight passes in a blur of cramming and exams. At home, I only leave my room when I need to eat. Mum begins leaving a box of snacky things on my desk, along with little post-it notes counting down the days or saying something that’s probably meant to be inspirational. But despite all the studying, the exams just get harder, and every morning I wake with an awful knot of dread in my stomach.
Tai spends the first week of my exams in hospital and the second week at home. I take textbooks with me when I go and visit him, studying when he’s asleep. He sleeps a lot more now. Occasionally I’ll abandon studying and curl up next to him, being careful not to wake him. He stirs sometimes and slides an arm around me before going back to sleep. I hold on to him for as long as I can before getting up, picking up my books, and going home.
And then exams are finally over, and before I know it I’m marching across the stage to collect my graduation certificate and shake the principal’s hand. Our final scores won’t be out until after schoolies, but we know we’ve passed and that’s all that matters right now. I smile for Mum, who’s going mad with the camera, but it all feels a bit surreal still. It’s almost too hard to believe that all the stupid assignments, the late slips, the stress about exams have come to an end. And to my surprise, I feel a bit sad. It’ll be weird not seeing Gen every day, not sharing music and caffeine with Tai on the way to school. I want to pause things, just for a second; I’m not entirely sure I want them to change.
Once we’ve pretended to sing the school song and have marched off the stage, I find Gen, and we throw our arms around each other.
‘Can you believe it’s over?’
‘Nope. Oh wait, here comes a teacher. “Sorry, Gen, you failed your last assignment. Back to school for you.”’
‘You wish. Want me to ring you every day and tell you to write out the uniform policy ten times?’
‘Oh yeah, please do.’
Lina and Rae come up and join in our little happy-dancey hug.
‘We did it, we so did it!’ Lina grins. ‘Schoolies here we come!’
Late November
Schoolies! As soon as we get home, I grab the bag I’ve already packed and go into the kitchen. Mum’s waiting with a lecture about being responsible and not ending up on the news. Then she drives me to Dad’s, picking up Tai on the way.
When we get there, Tina hands me a shopping bag. ‘I got you some groceries,’ she says, and winks.
‘What?’ I peer into the bag and see a bottle of vodka and a bottle of champagne. I’m starting to like Tina.
I elbow Tai and point to it, grinning. ‘Tina bought us some alcohol.’
‘Cool. So did Dad. In exchange for a lecture on responsible drinking and promising I’d look after you.’
‘And how exactly are you planning on doing that?’ I ask, laughing.
Tai shushes me as Dad walks into the room, car keys in hand. ‘Are you two ready?’
‘Yes!’
We load our bags into the car, then Dad gets into the driver’s seat. ‘You know, I remember your first day of kindy,’ he muses as he turns the key in the ignition.
I groan. ‘Don’t, Dad.’
He completely ignores me. ‘You came home and told me you had a best friend, and asked if he could come over to play. He did, two days later – and that was it.’
Dad carries on like this for the whole two-hour drive. By the time we exit the freeway he’s saying how he’s proud of us, how we deserve this break, and I haven’t heard him talk this much in forever, when – finally! – he cruises to a stop. We’re just far enough away from home to feel like we’re on holiday, but not too far . . . Just In Case.
• • •
The unit is awesome – there’s a view, and a huge TV, and a spa in the bathroom. We explore together, and I laugh when Tai opens a door, finds a washing machine and dryer, and says, ‘Won’t be needing this.’ He laughs when I open a door, find a second bedroom, and say, ‘Won’t be needing this either.’
We go to the supermarket, filling the trolley with energy drinks and instant noodles, then, when we’ve dumped the shopping back in the unit, we’re like little kids, all hopped up on excitement and our new sense of freedom. We pour some vodka into empty Maccas cups from our stop on the way and go for a walk on the beach. We are too cool.
We run around in the ocean, up to our knees in waves, screaming like idiots. We’re swaying slightly from the pull of the waves, and slightly more from the alcohol, and I can feel the pain, the sadness about Tai flicker through me, flicker across my face, just for a second.
I look at him, trying to burn this into my mind, Everything About Right Now. The way he’s clasping my hand, his mad little hops in the waves, how I pretend to stumble and fall into him, just to get closer. Some other schoolies walking past yell out, ‘Get a room.’ We splash about down at the beach until it gets dark, then go home for some noodles.
We drink some more, and kiss, then our drinks are abandoned as we kiss some more. My fingers are on Tai’s belt when he whispers to me, ‘I’ve got some condoms in my bag. Do you want to?’
I nod.
Yes
.