Everything to Gain and a Secret Affair (30 page)

Warm air greeted me as I stepped inside my studio.

Last year I had installed gas heating, and I kept it at fifty degrees in the winter months. I went over to the thermostat and pushed the switch up to sixty-five.

Glancing around the studio, I saw that Nora had made an effort to tidy it since I had last been in here in November. But even so, there was a lot of mess and clutter. Brushes were lying around, and there were palettes with dried paint on them, a stack of new canvases piled haphazardly on a table, and several of my oils propped up against the side of the old sofa.

Taking off my barbour, hanging it on the coat stand, I
ignored the mess I had supposedly come to clean. Instead I looked for another art knife with a razor blade. I was certain there was a new one in a drawer of the chest I used for storing supplies. But I was wrong. All I could find were new sable brushes, crayons for drawing pastels, small pots of oil paints, a new paintbox of water-colors, and a lot of colored pencils.

I stood staring at the chest, biting my lip. Apparently the only art knife I had was the one which had gone missing.

How was I going to cut my wrists if I didn't have a blade?

I could gas myself instead. My eyes focused on the gas fire set in the wall.

The intercom on the phone buzzed, and I picked up the receiver, “Yes, Nora?”

“Were you expecting your mother, Mal?”

“No.”

“Well, she's here. At least her car's coming up the front drive.”

“Okay. I'll be right there.”

“Good thing I'm making this soup for lunch,” she said, then hung up.

After lowering the heat in the studio, I went out, locked the door, and ran back up the path to the house. It was not like my mother to come without calling me first; also, I was surprised she had ventured up to Connecticut in this bitterly cold and snowy weather.

She was coming in the front door as I strode into the long gallery.

“Mom, this is a surprise,” I said, embracing her. “What's brought you up here on a day like this?”

“I wanted to see you, Mallory. I thought you might try to put me off if I phoned first. So I just came.”

“You know you're always welcome, Mom.”

She gave me an odd look but didn't say anything, and I took her heavy wool duffel coat and carried it out to the coatroom in the back of the house near my office.

“Would you like a cup of coffee?” I asked when I returned.

“Tea would be nice,” she answered, following me into the kitchen. I went to put the kettle on.

Nora said, “Hello, Mrs. Nelson. Roads bad, are they?”

My mother shook her head. “No, they've been well plowed. And good morning, Nora, how are you?”

“Not bad. And you?”

“As well as can be expected, under the circumstances,” my mother responded. She half smiled at Nora, then looked at the stove and sniffed. “Your soup smells delicious.”

“It's lunch,” Nora said. “And I can make you a sandwich. Or an omelette, if you like.”

“Anything will do, thanks, Nora. I'll have whatever Mal's having.”

Nora went over to one of the cupboards and took out a cup and saucer for my mother's tea. Looking over her shoulder, she asked, “What about you, Mal? Do you want a cup too?”

“Yes, it'll warm me up,” I said, and turning to my mother, I asked, “How's David?”

“He's well. Very busy right now.”

“Has he heard anything? From DeMarco?”

“No. Have you?”

“No.”

We stared at each other. I saw the tears rising in my mother's eyes. She blinked, pushed them back, and took a deep breath. “Are you feeling a bit better, darling?”

“Yes, I'm doing fine,” I lied.

I walked over to the kitchen stove, turned off the kettle, and made the pot of tea. I began to put everything on a wooden tray, and looking up, I said to my mother, “Let's go into the sunroom. It's really very pleasant in there today.”

“Wherever you wish, Mal.”

* * *

We sat opposite each other on either side of the big glass coffee table, sipping our tea.

When she had finished her cup, my mother put it down on the table, looked across at me, and said, “Tell me the truth, Mal, are you really all right?”

“Of course, Mom!”

“I do worry about you, and about your being alone out here all the t—”

“I'm not alone. Nora's here, and Eric's in and out almost every day, and there's Anna down in the barn.”

“They're not with you at night.”

“True, but I'm okay, honestly. Try not to worry so much, Mother.”

‘I can't help it. I love you, Mallory.”

“I know, Mom.”

“And then there are the weekends.” She stopped, studied me for a moment, then asked, “Don't you want David and me to come out anymore?”

“Yes. Whenever you like. Why do you say that? And in such a peculiar tone?”

“I've felt that you've been pushing us away recently.”

“Not true. I told you before, you're welcome anytime, and so is David.”

“It disturbs me that you're alone so much,” she said again.

“I'm not. And Sarah's always here. She was here this weekend.”

“I know. She called me last night when she got back to the city. She wanted to tell me about her cousin Vera, about Vera looking at your apartment. So you are going to sell it, then?”

“Why not? I don't want to live there.”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “I understand.”

“Vera's coming to New York in a couple of weeks, so Sarah said. Do you mind showing her the apartment? That is, if Sarah's working or away on business.”

“I'll be happy to do it, darling.”

“I guess Sarah told you she was going to Paris today?”

My mother nodded. “You and Sarah are very lucky, you know.”

I stared at her.
I
was
lucky
?

“To have each other, I mean,” she said swiftly, no doubt noticing the startled expression on my face. “To be so close—”

“Yes, we are,” I agreed, cutting her off.

“To be best friends,” she continued. “To be lifelong friends, to have such unconditional love for each other. You're both so fiercely loyal, and in many ways you're very dependent on each other.”

“We bonded long ago, Mom.”

“Yes, it's rare, that kind of friendship.”

“But surely you have it with Auntie Pansy?”

“To a certain extent, but we were never as close as you and Sarah. I don't think Pansy wanted that kind of intimacy. She's not a bit like her daughter. Sarah's much warmer.”

“Well, there's nobody like my Sarah, I must admit. They threw the mold away.”

“She is unique, Mal, I agree. But I've been wondering lately—do you think she's enough?”

“I don't know what you mean, Mom.” I sat up straighter and focused my eyes on her. “What are you getting at?”

“I'm not talking about friendship, darling. I'm talking about your pain and grief, your heartbreak. Maybe you need more help than Sarah or I can give you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to see a professional. A psychiatrist.”

“A
psychiatrist.
Do you think I need one, Mother?”

“Perhaps. For grief counseling. There are many who specialize in that, and I understand they help people come to grips—”

“I don't want to see a shrink,” I interrupted. “You go if you want.”

“Perhaps we can go together.”

“No, Mom.”

“There are groups, you know, who counsel mothers and fathers who have lost children to violent crimes.”

I sat staring at her, saying nothing.

She went on, “I've heard of this young woman who lost her child in a car accident. She was driving, and walked away alive. She's started a group. People in similar circumstances, who have lost children, get together to talk. My friend Audrey Laing wants me to go. Do you want to come with me, Mal? it might help you.”

“I don't think so,” I said in a low voice. I began to shake my head vehemently. “No, no, it wouldn't help, Mom, I'm sure of that. I know you mean well, but I just couldn't . . . couldn't talk about Lissa and Jamie and Andrew to strangers, to people who had never known them. Honestly, I just couldn't.”

“All right, I understand what you're saying. But don't dismiss it out of hand. At least think about it, will you?”

“I much prefer to talk to you and Sarah. And Diana, Daddy when he calls. People who know firsthand what I've lost.”

“Yes, darling.” My mother cleared her throat. “I do worry about you so. Maybe I should get you another dog.”

“Another dog!” I cried, jumping up, gaping at her. “I don't want another fucking dog! I want
my
dog! I want Trixy. I want my
babies
! I want my
husband
! I want my
life
back!” I glared at my mother, then swung around and flew to the French doors. Opening them, I ran outside. Something inside me had snapped, and I was crying and shaking with rage.

I stood there in the snow, pressing my hands to my face, sobbing as if my heart would break. I was oblivious to the icy wind and the snow, which was falling again.

A moment later I felt my mother's arms around me. “Come inside, Mal. Come inside, darling.”

I let her lead me back into the sunroom, let her press me down onto the sofa. She sat next to me, pulled my hands away from my face, and looked into my eyes. I looked back at her, the tears still trickling down my cheeks.

“Forgive me, Mal. I didn't mean it the way it came out, the way it sounded. I really didn't,” she whispered in a choked-up voice.

Her own grief and heartache stabbed at me, and my anger dissipated as swiftly as it had flared inside me. “I know you didn't, Mom, and there's nothing to forgive. I know you'd never hurt me.”

“Never.” She wept, clinging to my arm. “I love you very much.”

“And I love you, Mom.”

She lifted her head, looked into my eyes again. “It was always your father with you—” she began and stopped short.

“Perhaps I favored him because he was hardly ever there, and so he seemed very special to me. But I've always loved you, Mother, and I know you've always been there for me.”

“And I still am, Mal.”

A few days after this visit of my mother's I fell into a deep depression.

I became morose, filled with a strange kind of melancholia, and I felt listless, without energy. I could hardly bear to move, and my limbs ached as if I were an old woman suffering from an ague. It was a kind of physical debilitation I was unaccustomed to, and I was helpless, almost an invalid.

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and sleep. And yet sleep always eluded me; I only ever dozed. I would soon be wide awake, my mind turning and turning with endless distressing and painful thoughts.

Wanting to end my life though I did, I discovered I did
not have the strength to get out of bed, never mind actually kill myself. Apathy combined with a deep-rooted loneliness to render me useless to myself.

There were moments when despair overwhelmed me, brought me to tears again. I was alone, without purpose. I had no future. The absence of my family appalled me, and the loneliness, the yearning for them was destroying me.

At times different emotions intruded, bringing me to my knees: Guilt that I had not been with them, guilt that I was alive and they were dead; rage that they had been victims of street violence, rage that I could not avenge their deaths. These were the moments I felt murderous, wanted to kill whoever had killed my children and my husband.

On those occasions I would call the Twenty-fifth Precinct to talk to Detective DeMarco, wanting to know if any new evidence had turned up.

He never sounded anything but regretful, even sad, when he told me no. He promised they would break the case. He meant well. But I was unconvinced. I never believed him.

Memories were my only source of comfort. I fell down into them gratefully, recalling Lissa, Jamie, Andrew, and little Trixy with the greatest of ease. I relived our life together and took joy from this.

But then one abysmal day the memories would no longer come at my bidding. And I was afraid. Why could I no longer recall the past, our past? Why were my children's faces suddenly so blurred and indistinct? Why did I have such trouble picturing Andrew's face in my mind's eye?

I did not know. But when this loss of total recall persisted for a week, I knew what I had to do. I must go to Kilgram Chase. I wanted to be in Andrew's childhood home, the place where he had grown up. Perhaps there I would feel close to him once more, perhaps there he would come back to me.

S
pring had come early, much earlier than anyone here at Kilgram Chase had expected.

I had arrived from Connecticut toward the end of January to find everything covered in snow, and the first part of February had been bitter, with sleet, freezing rain, and intermittent snowstorms. But the weather had changed in the middle of the month. The rain and harsh winds had ceased unexpectedly; there had been a general softening, a warming much welcomed by everyone here, most especially the farmers.

Now, on this first Friday in March, the trees were bursting with tender green shoots and the first fluttering little leaves. Grass was beginning to sprout, and the borders at the edges of the lawns were alive with purple, yellow, and white crocuses and delicate, starlike snowdrops. Daffodils danced down near the pond and under the trees in the woods. Tall and graceful as they nodded in the light breeze, their brilliant yellow bonnets reflected the bright afternoon sun.