Evil Origins: A Horror & Dark Fantasy Collection (99 page)

Gladiator
. Insensitive to cross-dressers.

Cowboy
. Encourages violence, cruelty to animals and
spontaneous ‘whooping.’

Mafioso
(mobster, ‘wise guy’)
. Unfairly
stereotypes Italian-Americans. OK, actually,
fairly
stereotypes
Italian-Americans, but it’s still stereotyping.

Tarzan
. Condones mistreatment of minorities and animals.
Again, hurtful to those in loincloths.

Ghost
. Glorifies the occult.

Witch
. Religious persecution. Also pertains to
warlocks,
Gnostics, conjurers, chiromancers, shamans
and
Druids
.

Leprechaun
. Shows contempt for the Irish-American community, as
well as the diminutive.

Presidents
. Encourages scorn and contempt for authority figures,
at least half of whom have no criminal record whatsoever. (See also ‘Cop.’)

Characters
from
Star Wars. Offensive to
Star
Trek
fans.

Characters
from
Star Trek. Offensive to
Star
Wars
fans.

Mummy
. Offends Egyptians, embalmers and the undead.

Genie.
Objectifies women; subjects those who
may be ‘buxom challenged’ to ridicule. (Note: Same applies to
wenches
.)

Pirate
. Distasteful to those with hooks for hands and the
vision impaired (wearers of eye patches), not to mention parrot owners.

Zombie
. Disrespectful of the dead.

Princess
. Contributes to myth that women must be ‘rescued’ to
live happily ever after (same goes for
Snow White
); also insulting to
certain Jewish-Americans.

Gorilla
. Condescending to our friends in the wild kingdom.

Medusa.
Exploits animals; sends the wrong message to young
girls by implying women are defined by their physical appearance.

Gumby.
Ridicules those with disfigurements
(especially of the head).

Knight
. Offensive to dragons, I imagine.

Baby
. Promotes a lack of respect for youth, human life and
those who drool voluminously.

Biblical
Figures
. Religion is no laughing
matter, except for that part about Noah fitting four million species of animals
onto one boat.

Ballerina
. Cruelly mocks the short, not to mention the
waif-like.

Indian
. Native-Americans have been oppressed, slaughtered
and persecuted—imitation buckskin and feathers are the final insult.

Devil
. Affront to demons and those currently possessed by
demons; Satanists are people, too, all right?

Sports
Figures
. Belittles our heroes.

Convict/Prisoner
. See ‘Sports Figures’—the groups often seem to
overlap.

Fairy.
Offensive to interior designers and
choreographers. (Note: The same guideline applies to
sprites
and
pixies
.)

Priest
. The Catholic church has enough to worry about
without being the butt of jokes (if you’ll pardon the expression).

Bandito.
Racial stereotype; subtly condones
handlebar mustaches.

Headless
Horseman
. Blatantly sexist;
wrongfully pigeonholes equestrians; also involves another physical
deformity—offensive to amputees and the headless.

Viking
. Endorses razing; in addition, glorifies pillaging
and ravishing.

Porky
Pig
. Insensitive to members of the
Jewish-American community (as well as members of Weight Watchers).

Klingon
. Unjustly hurtful to illegal, as well as resident,
aliens. (See also ‘Characters from
Star Trek
.’)

Hobo
. Derides the economically and hygienically disadvantaged.

Professional
wrestlers
. Offensive to just about
everybody. (See also ‘Sports Figures.’)

Mermaid
. Slights women and aquatic life simultaneously.

Daffy
Duck.
Unkind to those with speech
impediments. (Same goes for
Elmer Fudd
and
Barbara Walters
.)

Phantom
of the Opera.
Unfeeling toward those
with physical malformations; shows contempt for those committed to ridding the
civilized world of musicals.

Ninja
.
Perpetuates stereotype of Asians; also promotes ‘lurking.’

Albert
Einstein.
Insulting to those who have
a problem comprehending the particle nature of light.

Chinaman
. Sexist; racist; upsetting to immigrants and honor
students.

Clown.
Deeply offensive to Geraldo Rivera.

Aunt
Jemima.
Racially inflammatory; serves
to exacerbate the already incendiary ‘pancake vs. waffle’ debate.

Robin
Hood/Merry Men
. Suggests an
intolerance for those with alternative lifestyles.

Aside
from those costumes, you should be just fine. Get out there and enjoy your
Halloween! Oh, and don’t use the phrase ‘trick or treat.’ Hookers are people,
too.

As you can see, the seriousness of Halloween is
something schools take, well, seriously. Every year, the available pool of
costume ideas shrinks. Schools have a “no cross-dressing” rule, which on the
surface sound reasonable. However, what do you do about
Spongebob
Squarepants
? Is it objectionable if a girl dresses as Spongebob? Do sponges
cross-dress? If you cut off Spongebob’s penis, will it grow back?

Students
can be fairly safe by choosing an idea that is innocuous, vague, and quite
boring. For instance, dressing as a pumpkin does not offend anyone (that I know
of). But then again, I was once chastised by a coworker because I joked during
a faculty meeting that one particular student was a “chick magnet.” I did not
realize how hurtful my words were to the magnet community. I really have
nothing against magnets as long as they stay clear of my computer (I have a
restraining order on all magnets).

When
it comes to our use of language, word offensiveness has swung to the far end of
the pendulum. All but the most generic labels offend someone, or something, or
some idea. As a writer I do understand the power of words. However, I also
understand the value in an uncontrollable belly laugh and what it does for
morale. Schools need to be serious when it comes to teaching skills such as
time management, organization, or how to roll with a sucker punch. These are
things kids will need to know as adults. Halloween is not a serious time (unless
you own a Halloween costume store, in which case it is very serious). It is a
time for kids to dress up, laugh, and enjoy the innocence of childhood before
they become lonely, middle-aged moms using the holiday to get their slut on. If
Charlie Brown alerted today’s teacher to the bag of rocks he collected, there
would be a school-wide ban on rocks and an advisory program created to deal
with the trauma created by such rocks.

***

“We need to
talk.”

“Sure. What
about?”

“Well, I’m kind
of upset about what you did.”

I stood there,
unsure whether or not to laugh.

“What was that?”
I asked with a slight smirk.

“The whole
French fry thing? I’ve been working really hard on this video, and the footage,
well, it was not appropriate.”

I shifted my weight
to the other foot and bit my bottom lip.

“It didn’t make
it into your presentation, did it?”

“No, but I was
quite alarmed by it when I was watching the video. Taking my camera like that,
it, eh, it felt like a violation.”

I looked for the
red light on the camera, hoping I was being reverse-pranked, which would have
been awesome. It was not blinking.

“I did not
realize that upset you. I won’t murder fries again.”

The forced smile
I received told me there was no humor to be salvaged from this situation, and
that it’s best not to prank administrators, who have one third less of a sense
of humor than regular people.

More Than Dead
White Guys

The
present shapes the past. It evolves in collective memory, like Cheez Whiz or Fix-A-Flat.
History changes with each generation and is as malleable as the future. This
notion strikes most people as ludicrous (meaning “unbelievable,” not the rapper)
but historians know better.

***

My first
Back-to-School Night arrived sooner than expected. Three days prior, I was
standing at the pick-up line at the end of the school day when a hurried and
frazzled mom yelled at me.

“Are you getting
in, or what?”

Not the most
alluring of prospects, but I am a man, after all.

“Excuse me?”

“Am I taking you
home or to soccer practice with the other boys?”

I let a smile
creep across my face as I explained to the mom-chauffeur that I was a new
teacher, not an eighth-grade boy. I suppose I should have been flattered, but I
felt more embarrassed than anything else.

Teaching fifth
grade the first three years of my career put a little distance between me and
my students. Unlike my student-teaching experience, I was clearly the adult.
Being twenty-two and having seniors, some of which were nineteen, made things a
bit murky. It also gave the older girls a reason to kick my libido into
overdrive.

One of the more
experienced teachers on the staff gave me all of the horror stories of
Back-to-School Night. He shared lurid tales of teachers accidentally dropping
the f-bomb (fuck), tripping in front of the room, being caught staring at ass (female),
and the best story of all, the zipper. This teacher told me that he went
through the entire program with his zipper down. It was not until the end of
the night when he realized it, and none of his colleagues had brought it to his
attention.

“You’re an ass,”
I remember saying. “There’s no way I would make those mistakes,” I claimed.

Whether private,
parochial, or public, all Back-to-School Nights share a common energy. Parents
come to the school, many for the first or only time, and get to meet the
teachers. People seek careers in education because they don’t like adults.
Therefore, spending an entire evening with them is as much fun as pulling dead
animals from underneath a car. It is nerve-racking, boring, repetitive, and
necessary.

That first
Back-to-School Night, I hit on key components of the teaching of history, such
as why it mattered. Nobody gave a shit. If you are new to teaching, heed my
words. The fastest way to get a room full of tired, slightly bored parents to
fall asleep or slide the iPhone out is to talk about the curriculum on parents’
night. They don’t care about it. They are there to see what you look like and
try to determine if you are a pedophile (male) or hot (female). While my talk
went over like a Led Zeppelin, I finished relatively unharmed. A few nerds came
up to me afterwards to talk about writing a persuasive essay, nothing I could
not handle. When I went into the restroom to urinate at the end of the night, I
had one less step to take. My zipper was down.

***

Even when I do
sprinkle my Back-to-School Night speech with tidbits of the study of history, I
do so with a deliberate spin. Almost all adults alive today see history as
completely objective.

Something happened.

Somebody wrote about it.

I read about it.

When
you consider the discipline in those terms, it seems as exciting as the women’s
NCAA March Madness tournament. You are probably shaking your head in agreement (about
history and the women’s bracket). It was how you learned about the past and
what you expect it to be. One man changed this for me and, I am sad to say, it
was not a teacher I had in school. I wish I could create my own memories, like
being in history class with Robin Williams in
Dead Poets Society
, but it
never happened. The most inspirational history teacher I had was a professor at
the University of Pittsburgh, which we will get to later. The man that changed
the way I think about history as both a teacher and a learner is Howard Zinn.
He passed in 2010, leaving behind a unique legacy and hope for the future and
the past.

***

The
biography page on howardzinn.org states: