Existence (23 page)

“What’re you carrying on about? Did you take your meds today, Gee, ‘cause you’re talking off your head worse than normal,” Jess said, frowning before shoveling black eyed peas into her mouth. Gee didn’t take her eyes off me. She almost had a glimmer in her eyes as she watched me, enjoying the confusion I knew was clear on my face.

“Only the ones he has come for can see him, Peggy Ann.

You know that right? Only the ones whose time is near. I know why he’s here.” She tilted her head side to side and stared at me closely. “But he doesn’t sing to me. No, he doesn’t sing to me.”

Jess sighed loudly and glared at Gee. “If you don’t shut up talking like a psychopath I’m calling Nurse Karen over here to drug your ass,” she grumbled.

“Who is he?” I asked Gee quietly, afraid she truly didn’t know.

A sad smile touched her red lips and she shook her head.

“Ah, so he isn’t coming for you then. So very odd. You see him and he is with you so much yet he hasn’t come for you.

He is the only one who can tell you.” Gee stood up, leaving her tray untouched on the table, and walked away.

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Jess stared at me and shook her head sadly. “She’s hiding her meds under her tongue again and spitting them out in the toilet. I’m going to have to tell someone before she gets any crazier. I’m guessing if she goes too long without her meds she could do something fatal.” Jess took a bite of meatloaf, stood up, and went over to Nurse Ashley.

Tonight I was resolved to ask him again but the fear that it would drive him away scared me more than the words from my psychotic friend.

* * * *

I packed the last pair of jeans into my suitcase and zipped it up. The drawers were empty and the closet no longer held any of my things. I walked over to the small, round table and took the cards Leif and Miranda had sent me. Reading them each morning had given me a reason to smile. I slipped them into the pocket of my overnight bag and sat down on my bed.

I had been given permission to come to my room as early as I wanted. The rules of seclusion no longer applied to me and I’d needed to pack. The small room wasn’t much bigger than my mom’s walk-in closet but it was going to be hard to walk away from in the morning. Just like at home, this bedroom had held Dank. It would hold the memories of him.

Nurse Ashley was walking the halls, ringing her bell for the lights out announcement. I stood up and pulled back the covers on my bed and slipped inside before reaching over and turning out the lamp. Tonight he would come and I would talk to him. I wouldn’t have to worry he would leave me and not return because I was leaving in the morning. I wanted to know why Gee knew who he was or if she thought he was someone else. Was he the same ‘he’ the little red-headed girl at the hospital had spoken of? The ‘he’ she had said was coming to take her soon.

Dank had been the one to take the couple from the car fire at their death. Is that what he did? Was he the soul who 167

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went and retrieved other souls when they died? I closed my eyes and waited. I thought of the different things I’d seen and what Gee and the little girl had said. It all pointed to Dank being a guardian of some kind. Maybe an angel. I turned back and forth, waiting for the music. Waiting for Dank to come and sing to me.

He never came.

The morning sun cast a glow across the pale yellow room as I stood with my bags, glancing around to see if I’d missed anything. I was leaving without answers. My thoughts went back to Gee. I slipped my overnight bag up higher on my shoulder and headed downstairs to find her. I wanted to talk to her one last time before I left. To tell her goodbye and to ask her once more if she could explain to me who it was she thought she heard in my room. The Great Room was empty and the sounds of chatter drifted from the dining hall, where everyone was eating breakfast. Gee would be there. I sat my bags down beside the door and went to say my final goodbyes.

The moment I walked into the busy dining room I glanced over to the far table. Jess sat alone at the end, staring down at her plate as she shoveled food into her mouth. I glanced back at the serving line and the nurses had finished serving the patients. Everyone was sitting down at their tables to eat. Nurse Karen peered up and nodded toward me with a sad smile on her face. I walked over to Jess and sat down across from her.

“She’s gone,” Jess said as she shoveled another bite of cheese grits into her mouth.

“Gee’s gone? What do you mean?” I asked, confused. I had just seen her before I’d gone up to bed last night, sitting with a group of other girls playing a card game.

Jess lifted her gaze up at me and frowned. “She went whack on them this morning about four. Started screaming and cursing and they had to sedate her. She’s getting worse and Doctor Janice won’t keep the ones that get so disturbed 168

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they become dangerous to themselves. She transfers them to the hospital where they can be kept on the looney floor under lock and key.” Jess shook her head and took a big gulp of chocolate milk. “I knew she’d be shipped off soon enough.

The Schizos always are.”

I felt a sick knot in my stomach. “Do you know what hospital she was sent to?”

Jess shrugged. “No, ‘cause I ain’t crazy enough to get shipped there.”

I stood up. “Well, okay. Um, it was really nice to get to know you, Jess.” Telling her I would see her later sounded strange because we both knew it wasn’t true. So I simply smiled and said, “Goodbye.” She nodded, stuffed her mouth with a piece of bacon, and gazed past me toward the windows overlooking the Gulf. I turned and headed toward the door. Nurse Karen walked toward me.

“I’ll need your mom to sign some release papers,” she said, following me toward the door.

I turned to her. “Gee was sent to the hospital?” I wanted to hear it from a nurse.

“I’m afraid so. She isn’t safe here. She needs a tighter leash than what we can offer in this setting.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and walked beside her down the hall. My mom was waiting to greet me. She stood in the Great Room watching us as we approached. I peered over my shoulder at Nurse Karen before we were close enough for my mother to hear.

“What hospital is she at?” I wanted to see her.

Nurse Karen smiled at me. “Mercy Medical.” The hospital where I had signed on to volunteer. However, now that I had a record of mental issues they wouldn’t let me work at the hospital anymore. I was pretty sure I could still visit.

“Pagan, you look as if you have lost ten pounds,” Mom said as soon as I was close enough to hear her. She walked toward me and wrapped her arms around me, holding on 169

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tightly. “I’m so happy you’re coming home. We’ll put some weight back on you in no time.”

I smiled and enjoyed the comfort of her arms. “I’m sure the pizza and Chinese will be limitless,” I teased, and she laughed, pulling back from me.

“Never said I would cook the food that puts the weight back on you.” Her eyes were watery but I knew it wasn’t sad tears this time.

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Chapter Eighteen

I stood staring at the kitchen table covered with empty soda cans, two empty pizza boxes, and half of a chocolate cake which had read: “Welcome Home, Pagan,” in white icing on top. Leif, Miranda, and Wyatt had surprised me this evening. I’d opened the door four hours ago to find the three of them holding pizza, sodas, and a bakery box. Being with the three of them, eating food with real taste, and entertaining them with stories from my time at the mental house had made it really feel like I was home. Their smiling faces and familiar laughter had warmed me from the coldness always penetrating me. Leif had held me as we sat in the living room, catching up on everything I’d missed.

Kendra had fallen off the pyramid during cheerleading practice and had a cast on her right leg. Miranda appeared much too pleased about the girl’s predicament. College scouts had come to the playoff game to watch Leif and he now had scholarship offers from two different colleges.

Life had gone on without me. Knowing Leif would be okay when I was no longer a part of his life eased some of the guilt inside me. I couldn’t keep him. Not when I ached for Dank so badly. Even if I couldn’t find Dank, I knew he cared.

He would come back eventually. He had known I needed him and he’d come to me. Even if I couldn’t see him, I knew he was near. I glanced up the stairs knowing he wouldn’t come tonight. My room was a safe place for me now. If I could just see him and tell him I love him and I will go wherever I have to in order to be with him… But he wouldn’t allow me to even know or understand.

I threw the empty soda cans into the recycling bin at the back door and headed upstairs to go to bed. Today had been exhausting and I would be returning to school tomorrow.

The empty desk where Dank had once sat in English Literature flashed in my mind and the hole in my chest ached.

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* * * *

The music was playing. It took me a moment as I opened my eyes to realize Dank was playing my lullaby. I sat straight up in bed and looked to the chair to find it empty, yet the music was playing. It took me a moment to realize through my sleepy haze that the music wasn’t in my room or even in the house. The music drifted through the open window from outside. I jumped and ran to see where it was coming from.

Was Dank out there? The back yard was dark and foggy. The music drifted up to me from somewhere in the night. I reached for my jacket, slipped on my shoes, and then headed downstairs and out the back door, closing it gently behind me so as not to wake my mom. If she caught me wandering around in the dark she may pack me back up and return me to the mental house.

The music sounded as if it was coming from the woods. I went over to the garden shed to find a flashlight. I knew mom kept one on the shelf over the potting table. Once I found it and checked to see if the batteries were good, I headed back into the dark yard.

Why would Dank be out here in the dark playing my lullaby? I stepped onto the path my mom had made so she could take nature walks from our back yard to the community pond through the woods. The leaves crackled around me and I bit back a squeal. I needed to find Dank before some strange critter found me. The music drew me deeper into the woods. My flashlight only helped marginally.

The thick fog made visibility almost zero. I kept chanting in my head that Dank was out here somewhere. He wanted me to find him. Why else would he play his music so I could hear it, if not to draw me out here?

A light glimmered in the darkness, peeking through the fog. I walked toward it, knowing the music was coming from that spot. The closer I got, the brighter the light grew. I 172

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broke through the fog and into a small clearing. A glowing ball floated inside the circle of trees surrounding the clearing. I tucked the flashlight into the pocket of my jacket before taking a cautious step toward the orb of light. Dank’s music was coming from the light.

Confused, I quickly scanned the clearing for Dank. It remained empty, but for me and the musical light. Why was it playing Dank’s music? Fear slowly began to trickle through me. Dank wasn’t here. He would never draw me out into the dark woods alone. Someone else would. Someone who wanted me to leave my bed and wander out away from the protection of my home.

“Thump thump, thump thump, that heart of yours sure is racing, isn’t it, Peggy Ann?” I spun around at the sound of Gee’s voice. She stood in the far corner of the clearing, watching me. She didn’t look like the Gee in the mental house. Her short blond hair was flying around in the night breeze loosely and her red lips now seemed to shimmer like silver glitter in the moonlight. I took a step back, wanting to put distance between us.

“What are you doing, Gee?” I asked, attempting to keep the panic out of my voice. She puckered her shimmering lips and tilted her head from side to side.

“Hmmm. Little Miss. Smarty Pants isn’t so smart after all. The only sane girl in the house, HA! You were the only one stupid enough to be my friend.” I searched frantically around me trying to think of a way to escape.

“Jess was your friend,” I replied, wanting to stall her while I tried to think of how I could get away from her.

Gee began to cackle. “Jess is a lunatic whose mind I easily controlled. You, however, came near me without any help from me. You did it all on your own. You trusted me.” She stopped talking and began drawing closer to me, laughing maniacally. “I’d been sent to right the wrong. I was there because of you. The first night I was going to take you. It was meant to be,” she snarled. “But he was there already. I hadn’t 173

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even killed you yet and he was there. Protecting you. Foolish human that you are. The simple soul living inside of you. He protects it.”

She began pacing back and forth in front of me as if she were a large cat stalking her prey. I took another step back and she laughed wickedly as if my attempting to leave was as insane as she was. “It’s his
JOB
! I was sent to fix his wrong!