Exit Light (14 page)

The soft sigh of the heating vents, the feeling of paper against her fingers, those were the sensations Tovah associated with the Ephemeros when she visited Henry. Tovah hovered on the edge of sleep, not really tired enough to doze but forcing herself to try for Spider’s sake. Visiting his waking body didn’t mean much if he wasn’t awake.

“You know,” she said, stretching as she almost always did when first entering the dream world. “I do have better things to do with my Sunday afternoons, Spider.”

“Tovah. Hi.”

Spider’s body had blocked her view of Ben, lying on his back, arms and legs spread. He got to his feet, smiling cautiously. His body left an imprint in the blue grass.

“Is there a reason why the grass is blue?” She was determined this shouldn’t be awkward.

Ben looked down. The grass became green. He looked back at her with an easier smile. “That better?”

“I don’t care what color it is, really. I just wondered if there was a reason it was blue.”

“Ben’s not so good at color.” Spider turned, eight legs moving with precision. “It’s the first to go when he’s got anything else to do. For Tovah it’s the edges.”

He sounded like a parent describing his children’s strengths and weaknesses. Tovah frowned, annoyed. “Are the edges that important?”

“Depends what’s on them,” Spider said.

Tovah looked at them, back and forth. “Was I interrupting something?”

“No.” Spider’s colors swirled. Today he was blindingly blue and orange.

“Psychedelic.” Tovah pointed. “What’s up with the headache waiting to happen?”

Ben had reached to pluck up a handful of the grass that had become blue again. “Spider’s been helping me shape, that’s all. He’s probably tired.”

This was not a good enough explanation. She pushed forward to put her arm around Spider’s thick body. He felt hot. She looked into the topmost pair of red eyes. “What’s going on?”

She felt it again, at once, swift as the crack of a whip and with the same painful sting. The Ephemeros shook around them. The grass vanished, replaced by cracked and sand-scoured rock. In the distance, black mountains surged forth. There was no longer any delineation between sky and earth, nothing to keep them anchored but the small patch of ground on which they stood.

Ben grabbed her and Spider. She grabbed Ben. The three of them clung together, a triangle of resistance against the onslaught. Spider trembled, shrinking until he could fit in Tovah’s palm. She curled her arm against her body, sheltering him from the wind whipping around them. Ben’s arm tightened on her.

“Why is this happening?” she cried over the howling wind snarling her hair into a tangle.

Familiar but long-forgotten terror sank its teeth into her.

Somewhere:

Somewhere, a child sobbed at the sound of the closet door creaking open.

Somewhere, lovers turned their backs to one another and dreamed of a stranger’s caress.

Somewhere, a sharp blade flashed and brought blood.

“Shape a haven.” Spider’s voice sounded like it came from far away. “Together.”

Ben took her hand, their fingers linking and squeezing tight. She looked at him, his face grim, mouth pressed tight together. She was too terrified to be ashamed of her fear, of the way it had sent her back to every nightmare she’d ever had. Was the entire Ephemeros suffering the way she did? Was everyone in the world?

“Shape with me,” Ben said.

She heard him though his mouth didn’t move, understood what he wanted though he hadn’t spoken. Her fingers clamped hard enough to bruise. But she nodded. And shaped.

Together, the three of them, they made a haven. A small one, barely able to stand against whatever was pushing its fury and terror around them, but they did it. For a moment, at least, until the Ephemeros reared up again, prying apart their shelter and tossing it aside.

It was like being on a ship caught in a storm, no place to go. Nothing safe to hold. Every nightmare she’d ever had rammed at Tovah. She knew they weren’t real but couldn’t stop herself from screaming at the sight of sharp teeth, razor blades, at the feeling of falling. At the memory of screeching metal and heat, the smell of smoke, the sting of a needle.

Of waking to find the bandages on what was left of her leg.

“Wake up,” Spider said from her palm. “Get out of here, Tovah. Wake up, girly! Wake up!”

But she couldn’t. There was no exit light, no portal through which she could escape. Tovah felt Spider in her hand, felt Ben’s fingers against hers, but even those sensations were fading in the face of the images, sounds and smells attacking her.

“Wake up!”

Spider fell, and she screamed for him, clutching, and was unable to find him again.

“Wake up!”

Ben’s hand tore from her grip, and she was alone.

“Wake up!”

Hands shook her.

Tovah came awake with a strangled shout, pushing at the hands on her shoulders. It took her several seconds to realize she was awake, that the shaking hands belonged to Dr. Goodfellow, that she was in Henry’s room at the Sisters of Mercy and not alone in her bed.

She was awake.

Heart pounding, breathing fast, sweat coating her face and palms, Tovah sat up straight on the sticky vinyl chair. Dr. Goodfellow stepped back, releasing her. She clutched her sweater around her, though she was embarrassed, not cold.

“You were dreaming,” he said.

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

“Must’ve been a doozy.”

Again, a nod. She swallowed and found her voice. “Yes. It was.”

He looked sympathetic. “You look like you could use a drink. Let me get you some water.”

He was pouring it before she could protest. He pressed the plastic cup of lukewarm water, poured from the pitcher on Henry’s nightstand, into her hand. Tovah sipped it, though her stomach churned in the aftermath. After a moment she put the cup aside and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry,” she said. The terror was fading the way dreams did. She looked at Henry in his bed, unmoving. He hadn’t woken. Was he still living it?

“Don’t be sorry. Dreams happen. It’s not like you could control it or anything.” He stopped. Looked at her closely.

Tovah looked away, unable to meet his eyes. “Thanks for the water.”

“I could exchange it for a coffee, if you’re interested.” He sounded a little hesitant, then got bolder. “We could go across the street again.”

She looked up with a small smile. “That sounds good.”

“I have a break coming to me.” He looked at Henry, then put a hand on the man’s shoulder for a moment. Henry didn’t move. Dr. Goodfellow looked back at Tovah. “If you don’t want to—”

“No,” she said, surprising herself. “I’d like to. Across the street sold me.”

His laugh sounded like it surprised him. “Good. I mean…that’s good. I’m glad.”

They shared a smile, and she stood. She hadn’t checked for the pins and needles tingling, and the floor slid under her. Dr. Goodfellow caught her and kept her from falling.

“Thanks,” she said, embarrassed again.

Finding himself with an armful of female seemed to embarrass him too. Pink crept up over his cheeks as his arms tightened around her for a moment. He set her firmly on her feet and then let her go.

They didn’t talk much on the way across the parking lot, though she caught him giving her surreptitious glances. She smiled when he reached to take her elbow as they stepped off the curb to cross the street. It was a brief touch, meant to steady, and he seemed to make it automatically. The pressure of his fingers remained even after he’d taken his hand away.

He held the door open for her, too, and waited until she’d scooted into the diner booth before he took the seat opposite her. He let her order first and when the food came, he waited until she’d lifted her fork before he picked up his own. Tovah noticed his consideration but tried not to let herself think it meant anything more than good manners.

“I’m worried about Henry.”

Tovah paused with her fork of macaroni salad halfway to her mouth, then put it down. “Something’s changed?”

Dr. Goodfellow shook his head. “Nothing’s changed. That’s why I’m worried. He’s not responding to anything any longer. Treatments and medications that used to have an effect on him are doing nothing. He’s remained in a catatonic state for the past two weeks without any sign of acknowledging his surroundings. And yet I feel…I know he’s in there, somewhere. If I could just get to him.”

His conviction touched her. “He’s in there, Dr. Goodfellow.”

He looked up at that with a familiar look of faint surprise. “I wish you’d call me Martin.”

The offer pleased her, and she nodded. “Okay. Martin.”

He added sugar to his tea by tearing open each packet precisely along its short side and tipping the contents into the glass. He did it three times, each the same way, his motions so exact as to be almost hypnotizing.

Tovah looked up. He’d caught her staring. Their eyes met and held for a moment, and he was the one to break the sudden silence.

“Can I call you Tovah?”

“Of course. Absolutely.” She nodded and fought the urge to duck her head.

Martin’s smile moved from tentative to certain. “It means good.”

“Yes,” she said, surprised.

“Martin means warrior,” he offered. He stirred the tea until the sugar dissolved. His glance was amused. “My parents were optimists.”

He’d charmed her. “Your parents wanted a warrior?”

Martin put aside the spoon and stacked the empty sugar packets neatly. “I think they wanted a fighter. Yes.”

She studied him a moment before answering. “Why do you think they wanted a fighter?”

Martin shrugged, looking away. “Isn’t that what boys are supposed to do?”

“It depends on what sort of fighting you’re talking about, I guess.” Tovah sipped from her own glass.

He looked back at her. “I wish your friend would fight.”

Tovah didn’t have to think twice about answering that. “Me too.”

Martin nodded then, as if her answer pleased him, and the conversation turned to other things.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m off Justin Ross.” Kelly swigged water as she walked a little faster on the treadmill.

Tovah was adjusting her own program and paused at the revelation. “What? I thought it was true love!”

“Well…you’re going to think this is weird, but ever since I had that dream about him, I just can’t look at him the same way.”

Tovah didn’t laugh, though she could tell Kelly was expecting her to. “Why not?”

“Well…I just feel bad. We were all chasing him. He’s just a kid, really. All those women running after him, wanting to dive into his pants like we were ravening wolverines? Mmm…Wolverine.”

Tovah laughed this time. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Encouragable. You know it.” Grinning, Kelly shook her head. She sighed after a second. “Anyway. He’s adorable and all that, but now when I look at him I just sort of want to pinch his cheeks. The ones on his face.”

Tovah snorted. “Dreams aren’t real, Kelly.”

Kelly swiped sweat from a furrowed brow. “Yeah. I know.”

Tovah gave her a curious look. “Are you all right?”

“Sure. Just…bad dreams. I’m tired today.”

Tovah’s treadmill slowed, nearing the end of her workout, and gratefully she stepped off. Her thighs ached. “What sort of bad dreams?”

Kelly, too, got off her machine and swigged more water before answering. “Did you ever have a dream that didn’t seem like it should be scary but really was?”

Together they headed for the locker room. Tovah didn’t have to think hard about her answer. “Of course. Something that seems sort of silly when you wake up but scares the bejesus out of you when you’re under? Yes.”

Kelly nodded. In the harsh fluorescent light of the locker room, she looked pale, eyes circled with shadows. She laughed, but it sounded forced. “Well, I had a dream like that last night.”

Tovah paused in taking out her shower basket as Kelly sat abruptly on the low bench in front of their lockers. She sat too. “Want to tell me about it?”

Kelly nodded again, slowly, her expression guarded. “It’s silly.”

“Try me.”

“I was at the beach,” Kelly said. “Swimming. Somehow, I knew there could be no sharks in the water, because they’d strung up those nets. You know, like they do in Australia?”

Kelly looked up, waiting until Tovah’d nodded before continuing.

“Anyway, I was swimming against the waves, letting them bounce me up and down. And then all at once there was this…” Kelly shuddered, the movement pronounced and sudden. She grimaced, as if something tasted bad.

Tovah waited.

“It’s so silly!” Kelly cried, though her face showed she felt anything but silly.

“Tell me,” Tovah said softly.

They had the locker room to themselves. With nobody else to overhear them, Kelly seemed to draw courage. She swiped at her face with her towel, though the sweat had already dried.

“It was a ball. A red-and-white ball.”

Tovah reached for Kelly’s hand on instinct, though she wasn’t normally touchy-feely. “What happened, then?”

Kelly squeezed Tovah’s fingers and laughed self-consciously. “Nothing.”

“That was it?”

“Just the ball. It floated in the water. Up and down, up and down.” Kelly shuddered again, but more like she was throwing off the residue of her fear than giving in to it again. “Like I told you. Stupid.”

“And…nothing else?”

The red-and-white striped ball. The boy. The woman and the man with the dog’s head. Tovah shivered.

Kelly looked curious. “No. Just that. Except that when I saw it, I felt like I was drowning. I woke up right away. Scared Frank half to death, poor guy. He was just coming in, and I sat straight up in bed screaming bloody murder. I even…well, I hit him, Tovah. Really hard. Gave him a nosebleed and everything. I didn’t mean to, you know? But that dream…it took me a few minutes to get out of it. I thought he was something bad. My Frank, a bad guy! Can you believe it?”

Kelly’s laugh teased one from Tovah, too. Relieved that her friend seemed better, she got up again to gather her shower equipment. She pulled the folded piece of heavy vinyl lined with Velcro around the top and shook it out until it fell straight. At home she’d have taken off her prosthetic, but this would protect it from the water long enough for her to rinse off. It was easier and attracted less attention than actually removing her leg would have.

“Well,” Tovah said firmly, “it was just a dream.”

Kelly nodded, her laugh this time fake. “Oh, I know. But it felt…”

Tovah waited, but Kelly didn’t continue. “What?”

Kelly shook her head and shrugged. “When I woke up, I felt like it was all still happening. Only nothing happened, right? But it was all happening, it was all real. I saw that ball and the world was going to just…fall apart. Lame, I know, right? Poor Frank. He’s lucky I didn’t give him a shiner.”

“Super lame,” Tovah said, mocking fondly, even though she didn’t mean it.

She knew what Kelly had felt, about the world falling apart. This was bad. Very bad. And there was nothing she could do about it right now…or maybe ever.

“So…what happened last week?” Kelly’s bright smile and knowing wink left no question as to what she meant. She seemed to have recovered from sharing the nightmare. “After me and Pete left?”

Tovah hadn’t even been thinking about that. “Oh. Nothing.”

“Do you mean nothing as in you’re not going to tell me because I’m nosy, nothing? Or…really nothing?”

“Really nothing.” Tovah followed Kelly to the large open shower. In moments steam wreathed them.

“But he was so into you!”

“Yeah, apparently not.”

“But…Pete said John thought you were really funny and hot!”

“Apparently only as long as he thought I was putting out.” She scrubbed her face under the water.

“Men,” Kelly huffed. “Sex-crazed weasels. What a jerk!”

“It’s okay.”

“You are way less upset than you should be, that’s all. Might it have something to do with a certain doctor?”

“Martin?”

“Ooh,” Kelly said, rinsing quickly and turning off the water. “First name basis. Niiiiiice.”

Tovah turned off her water, too, and wrapped her towel around her. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Kelly made a face of mock innocence. “One day he’s Dr. Feelgood—”

“Goodfellow!” Tovah laughed. “His last name’s Goodfellow.”

“Yes, but now he’s Maaaaartin.” Kelly drew the name out, making it sound lecherous. “And you have a date with him.”

She paused, staring as Tovah made her way back to the locker and began drying herself. “Oh, wait…you had a date with him? Didn’t you! Spill it!”

“No!” Tovah protested. “It wasn’t a date. We just had lunch together, that’s all. I was visiting Henry and he was there, and…”

“He asked you to lunch?”

“Yes.” Tovah grabbed her clothes.

“He paid?”

He had, actually, but Tovah felt funny admitting it. “He’s a gentleman.”

“Date,” said Kelly in triumph. She whistled under her breath and shook her hips in an impromptu bump and grind. “And you’re seeing him again when?”

“Friday afternoon. He’s looking at the house then. And it’s just coffee,” Tovah said, before Kelly could interject. “He likes coffee.”

Kelly stared a bit, then concentrated on pulling on her clothes. “He was a cheater, wasn’t he?”

“Who? Martin?” Tovah paused in buttoning her shirt. It took her a second to get it. “Oh. Kevin. Yes, he was.”

“Bastard.” One of Kelly’s best qualities was her unquestioning loyalty.

“There was a lot going on.” Tovah had made a habit of excusing Kevin, though she hated it.

Kelly’s look told her there could be no excuse in her mind. “Does that matter?”

“No. I guess it doesn’t.”

Kelly looked at Tovah’s left leg. “He left you because of that?”

“Does anyone ever leave because of just one thing?”

Kelly paused, then shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess not.”

“Anyway, technically I asked him to move out.” Tovah sighed. “It was a bad time for me. I was in the hospital for so long with my injuries and he couldn’t deal with it. And then…things just went sour. I went a little crazy.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Kelly said firmly.

“I mean I really did.” Tovah took a slow, deep breath. “I’m talking meds crazy. I was in the Sisters of Mercy Hospital for about six months.”

Kelly, bless her, didn’t seem fazed. “Did it help you?”

“Yes.”

“Then that’s what matters. And you’re free of your cheating ex-bastard.”

“If only.” She outlined the sordid tale of settlements and payments.

“God,” said Kelly. “No wonder you don’t want to date.”

Tovah laughed loudly, grateful for a friend who understood and didn’t push her all the time. “Every time I think I might want to, I realize just how much of a pain in the ass it is.”

Kelly nodded, then reached to squeeze Tovah’s shoulder. “Have you been with anyone since Kevin?”

It felt like a lie to answer no, but that’s what she said.

“Because you’re nervous.”

Tovah didn’t have to pretend otherwise. “Of course. It’s bad enough getting naked for the first time with someone and worrying about belly blubber and thunder thighs…but…”

“Anyone who cares about you won’t care. You know that.”

“Yeah,” Tovah said with a shrug. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? Finding that person?”

Kelly gave Tovah’s shoulder another squeeze. “You will.”

Tovah smiled, wishing she could tell her friend the truth, that she had found someone like that.

He just wasn’t real.