Explicit Instruction (23 page)

Flick
knew he could take care of himself. Rushe believed he didn’t need anyone, and if he got through it he’d deal with being apart from her better than she would being away from him. All his life he’d been ignoring his anger. The way he felt about himself was no surprise now that she knew about his parents, and more about how he was raised. Any abandonment issues he had were dealt with when he was young. Fighting and screwing were his outlets, from what she could establish. He hadn’t had a healthy channel for it, and he wouldn’t show weakness to anyone – not even her.

But five million dollars... how could a boy abandoned at birth and brought up in abusive homes get his hands on that amount of money? Could it be blood money? Was he really a hired gun?

What Flick didn’t understand was, if he could get his hands on money like that from whatever he was capable of, then why was he around the likes of Victor and Skeeve? Five million would be enough to knock down their dilapidated lair and build a new one. Could he have handed his life savings to Victor just to ensure her safety?

Flick
didn’t have to think for long, because he knew everything she did, and more. Rushe had to know that the likelihood of him getting out of this plot alive was slim, and if he expected to be thrown off this mortal coil, he wanted to be sure no one would come looking for her tail. He’d said it himself; he wouldn’t be around to pull her out the next time... except that’s what she’d told herself the last time they were apart.

With another three days gone and no sign of Rushe
, Flick consoled herself with the fact that he wasn’t coming back. She couldn’t take another day of her mother and her sisters, so she went home.

Once again Flick
walked into her one roomed apartment and sighed out her anguish. Rushe was in her mind constantly, and after reading the bill for the new duplicate key Flick knew she had to find some source of income. Much as she wanted to crawl under her duvet for the next month or two her bank account couldn’t be very healthy. She doubted she’d have been paid, and her bills all appeared decidedly red.

Knowing that there was little chance she still had her job
, she tried calling Geoffrey but got a distinctly frosty reception. Yeah, she’d been replaced, so she was out of work.

Flick had always enjoyed her work. She loved to learn new things, to investigate topics she would never otherwise come across. But the bureaucracy always weighed her down, and she struggled to play nicely with her colleagues. It wasn’t that she was rude, or that she got into arguments, she just found it difficult to show interest in the
melodramatic details of their lives.

She supposed that after losing her connection to her family in the way that she had
, put things in perspective. Now, after her time with Rushe, she realised that there were real tragedies, profound incidents going on in the world causing harm. With that new discovery Flick knew it would be harder to show interest in banality.

Eventually she would find
her way back into research. Flick wanted to be immersed in books, searching the internet and obscure directories to find clues that led to salient details. Her love was knowledge and discovery, not who her co-worker had slept with last week.

But her priority now was money. She had to find work and pay her bills. Anything would have to do because she knew the jobs market was tough for everyone right now.
Luckily, or not, she was employed the next day, at the local coffee shop.

‘A latte... excuse me?’

‘Hmm?’ Flick took her chin from her hand and saw the woman on the other side of the counter wearing a scowl. But she’d seen the champ of that expression. ‘Sorry?’

Rushe had dominated Flick’s thoughts all day and she couldn’t seem to concentrate, no matter how she tried to.

‘Would you like me to write it down for you?’ the woman asked. ‘It’s not difficult. I would imagine it’s one of the easier orders you’ve had to cope with. People order in these places like they have their own language.’

‘T
hey do,’ Flick said. ‘Well not their own language as such, just words used to describe items that are dispensed here.’

On a snort the woman
spun, and marched away, which Flick supposed took care of that problem, though she wasn’t being rude, just... stating a fact.

‘If it isn’t the disappearing woman herself.’

Flick’s head turned toward the next customer before her eyes followed, and she was surprised to see a smile and a friend.

‘
Hayden,’ she sighed. What a rollercoaster she’d been on, and now it seemed Flick was back at the beginning paying her fare to ride again.

‘You didn’t return my call.
’

‘No,’ Flick said
, after a brief thought of making excuses. ‘I suppose I didn’t.’

‘I was concerned. You didn’t meet me
, and you didn’t return my call. I tried you at work and they said you’d been ill and had returned briefly only to vanish again. And here you were all the time.’

‘Not exactly,’ she said
, but from his point of view it couldn’t look great. It wasn’t great.  She’d been having the hottest and most terrifying experience of her life, and here he was – exactly the same.

‘Have you been working here long?’ he asked. ‘I’m in several times a week
, but I’ve not seen you.’

Hayden
was tall – but then so was anyone next to her. He had ash blonde hair and a narrow nose but he was... the plain to her plainer. No one would ever measure up to Rushe and Flick had known that since before he’d thrown her down on her parents’ doorstep.

‘About six hours,’ she said. ‘But I’m not banking on my long term career prospects.’

‘Not if your last customer was anything to go by,’ he said. ‘I promise to give you a glowing reference if required.’

When
Hayden smiled she copied. It was somehow automatic to return the gesture, though it felt like politeness rather than divine will.

‘Do you have plans for dinner?’

He was asking her out. ‘No.’

‘Could I tempt you
into trying the new Italian place down the block? I can pick you up from work so you won’t get lost again... if you want to say no I understand.’

‘No,’ she said
, and he nodded. ‘No, I mean...’

In reflex
, she reached to his hand and the touch of him was... nothing. Hayden’s fingers curled around hers. He was holding her hand, just like that. This was normality. This was what people did.

People didn’t cry while standing naked at the side of a road because a thug slid his f
ingers between theirs. When Rushe had held her hand, it paralleled what she imagined reaching the summit of Everest would be like. When she’d pointed it out he’d pulled it away and tried to scrub her skin from his.

As Flick looked up to see
Hayden smiling at her, she saw how simple it was, how easy it was to express an emotion. Hayden was happy, so he smiled; end of story.

Hayden
was a good person, a nice person, who would never be mean to anyone, and in her processing of these thoughts she saw his gaze slip to her chest. But it quickly came back to her eyes and she wanted to ask him what he was thinking about. She wanted to know if Rushe was right. But Hayden would blush and babble, and do what any normal man would do.

If Flick
dared ask Rushe what he was thinking about anything, breasts or not, he’d bend her over and show her exactly what he was thinking. There was nothing normal about that.

‘Are you ok?’
he asked.

Flick realised she’d been standing here with his hand in hers for about a minute
, and she hadn’t said a word.

Convincing herself that her time with Rushe was over, that there would never be a future for them Flick decided there and then that there could only be one responsible course of action. She had to move on as though none of it had ever happened.

So while Flick felt nothing electric between her and Hayden she knew this was sane. This was normal; this was the route her life had been supposed to take.

Without Rushe this was the best she could get. So before she could talk herself out of it Flick hurried to speak.

‘Yes,’ Flick said. ‘And yes I’ll go to dinner with you.’

Hayden
ordered his drink to go and they made plans to meet at the end of her shift outside the shop, which she couldn’t really argue with. He would want to know that she wasn’t going to stand him up again, and Flick doubted it was much fun sitting alone in a restaurant wondering if your date was going to show up or not.

Once you knew that you couldn’t have the person you wanted
, it didn’t really matter who you ended up with, that was her reasoning. Maybe Flick could show Hayden some of the things she’d learned. Maybe she could learn to be a better lover with him too. But it wasn’t the sex that Flick missed.

When Flick thought about Rushe she thought about how he watched her when he thought she wasn’t looking. How he stood guard when she took a shower, and how he anticipated her needs before she had them.

Rushe was responsible, and he was good, and just because his life hadn’t started well didn’t mean that was the sum total of him. If he let himself, or if he had let her, he could have seen what goodness lay in him.

Possibly too much time had passed, he’d learned these behaviours of protectionism from a young age. Yet, in that motel room she’d seen those barriers fall, and she knew he would never believe he could be good for her
, but she believed it, and by letting him walk away she’d let him down.

But there was nothing she could do about it now. She c
ouldn’t go after him because Flick didn’t know where he was. If she could find Victor’s place again it was as likely that Rushe was no longer there, or worse, he might no longer be anywhere, and then she’d put herself in danger without hope of him coming for her.

But
Flick couldn’t think like that anymore. Her affair with Rushe had been a blip in regularly scheduled programming, because tonight she was going out with Hayden and if things worked out, her life wouldn’t have missed a step... just gained an extra one that no one could ever know about.

‘Your mind is elsewhere.’

Flick had laughed at Hayden’s jokes when he’d made them, and she’d listened closely when he spoke about his family. But she couldn’t remember any of their names, relationships, or occupations.

The restaurant was lovely. He’d picked her up on time. He’d given her a corsage to
wear on her wrist that matched the pink of her uniform.

Hayden
was considerate, and had planned for what was to come, having booked a table and pre-ordered wine. But he couldn’t plan away his date’s distraction.

‘No,’ she said with a wide smile. ‘I’m having a good time. I just have some things on my mind.’

‘Like your job,’ he said. ‘Forgive me, but how did you end up in the coffee place? You have a degree.’

‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘I’ve just had a lack of luck I think.’

He nodded to the flower on her wrist. ‘You have luck now; I’ve heard they warn off evil spirits.’

That did make Flick
smile. ‘Good. I could use the back up.’

‘You’re a very beautiful woman
, Felicity,’ he said, reaching over the table to take her hand. ‘I was disappointed we missed each other the last time.’

Hayden
was too polite to point out they hadn’t missed anything, she hadn’t shown up at all. ‘Yes.’

‘I hope we can do this again, continue to see each other.
I know you have things on your mind but I’ll... I want to be patient. I think we could have something worth waiting for.’

And if it wasn’t so cheesy Flick
might have been touched. She was touched. But... she wanted him to get up come around the table and yank her to her feet. Flick wanted to be thrown down and shouted at for not keeping her head. Rushe would never let her be distracted, he’d tell her to always be on guard. That was the kicker; she wanted Rushe, only Rushe. No amount of telling herself that she had to accept he was out of her life could console her to the fact.

But
Hayden wasn’t Rushe, and no man in her future ever would be.

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I have had fun, and I’m sorry if I’ve been... elsewhere. I’ll get things back on track, soon.’

‘We could have dinner this weekend,’ he said, with an edge of hope. ‘Is that too soon?’

Flick
shook her head. ‘That sounds lovely.’

Hayden
paid the bill and walked her out. He offered to take her home, but she assured him that she was within walking distance, and waited with him while he hailed a taxi. He’d leaned in to kiss her, and Flick had closed her eyes and let him but... fireworks weren’t in her future either. A nice man, and a nice kisser, this was her future.

Looping her gypsy purse around her wrist
, Flick wrapped her wide scarf around her shoulders, and held herself in her own embrace. It had been seven days since she’d seen Rushe and the marks of their exploits were fading from her skin. Every morning she checked in the shower to see another bruise had faded; his fingerprints no longer marred her skin.