Exploits

The Chronicles of Lucifer Jones
Volume II—1926-1931
EXPLOITS
by Mike Resnick
Being a Thrilling Chronicle of Romance, Danger, Spectacle, High Adventure, Narrow Escapes, and Uplifting Triumphs Over Sinister Villains and Mystic Mages in the Exotic Continent of the East, as Recounted by the Bold, Daring, Handsome and Modest Christian Gentleman Who Experienced Them

To Carol, as always,
And to my father
William Resnick
who initiated a chain of events half a century ago that culminated in the publication of this book

Table of Contents

1. The Master Detective

2. The Sin City Derby

3. The Insidious Oriental Dentist

4. The Great Wall

5. The Abominable Snowman

6. The Land of Eternal Youth

7. Secret Sex

8. The Flame of Bharatpur

9. The Scorpion Lady

10. The Other Master Detective

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Inspector Willie Wong
, who has run out of names for his sons, and possesses a platitude for every occasion.

General Chang
, a warlord's warlord.

Doctor Aristotle Ho
, the Insidious Oriental Dentist, who plans to take over the world or lower south Brooklyn, whichever comes first.

Rupert Cornwall
, a scoundrel with a passion for rubies, wealthy women, and duplicity.

Harvey Edwards
, former halfback, now the fastest rickshaw puller in Macao.

Mr. Mako
, diminutive Japanese detective who specializes in judo, disguise, archaeology and jealousy.

Cuddles
, an authentic Chinese dragon.

The Scorpion Lady
, a beautiful but deadly smuggler with a truly outstanding pair of lungs.

Sir Mortimer Edgerton-Smythe
, who will stop at nothing to bring Doctor Aristotle Ho to justice.

Sam Hightower
, a semi-abominable Snowman who is hiding out from the mob in the mountains of Tibet.

Capturing Clyde Calhoun
, world-famous hunter who brings ’em back alive. Not intact, but alive.

Lisara
, a 111-year-old virgin who has taken up the High Priestess trade.

Akbar
, a learning-disabled elephant.

Lady Edith Quilton
, the richest widow lady in Rajasthan Province.

And our narrator,
The Right Reverend Honorable Doctor Lucifer Jones
, a handsome, noble and resourceful Christian gentlemen who has certain unresolved disagreements with eight separate Asian governments over the finer points of the law.

1. The Master Detective

They say that there are a lot of differences between Hong Kong and some of the African cities I had recently left behind. Different people, different cultures, different buildings, even different food.

Of course, there are a lot of similarities, too. Same lack of consideration for those who are bold enough to tinker with the laws of statistical probability. Same steel bars in the local jail. Same concrete walls and floors. Same uncomfortable cots. Same awful food.

Truth to tell, I'd had a lot more time to consider the similarities than the differences. I'd gotten right off the boat from Portuguese East Africa, checked into the Luk Kwok Hotel (which thoughtfully rented its rooms by the hour, the night, or the week), spent the next hour in a local restaurant trying to down a bowl of soup with a pair of chopsticks, and then, realizing that my funds needed replenishing, I got involved in a friendly little game of chance involving two cubes of ivory with spots painted on them. It was when a third cube slipped out of my sleeve that I was invited to inspect the premises of the local jail.

That had been five days ago, and I had spent the intervening time alternately trying not to mind the smell of dead fish, which is what all of Hong Kong smelled like back in 1926, and gaining some comfort by reading my well-worn copy of the Good Book, which I ain't never without.

The girl that brought my grub to me was a charming little thing named Mei Sung. She was right impressed to be serving a man of the cloth, which I was back in those days, and I converted the bejabbers out of her three or four times a day, which made my incarceration in durance vile a mite easier to take.

As time crawled by I got to know my fellow inmates. There was a Turkish dentist who had gassed a British officer to death in what he assured me was an accident and would certainly have been construed as such by the courts if he hadn't appropriated the officer's wallet and wristwatch before reporting the poor fellow's untimely demise. There was a young Brazilian student who sweated up a storm and kept screaming things about anarchy and tyrants and such and keeping everyone awake. There were two Chinamen dressed all in black, who kept glaring at me every time I finished converting Mei Sung. There was a Frenchman who kept saying he was glad he had killed the chef, and that anyone who ruined
sole almondine
that badly deserved to die.

And there was me, the Right Reverend Honorable Doctor Lucifer Jones, out of Moline, Illinois by way of the Dark Continent, where I'd done my best to illuminate the dark, dreary lives of the godless black heathen despite certain minor disagreements with the constabularies of fourteen countries which culminated in my being asked to establish the Tabernacle of Saint Luke on some other land mass. But I already wrote that story, and I ain't going to go into it again, since anyone who's read it knows that I'm a righteous and God-fearing man who was just misunderstood.

On the fifth day of the thirty that I was to serve, they gave me a roommate, a well-dressed Australian with expensive-looking rings on all his fingers. His name was Rupert Cornwall, and he explained that he had come to Hong Kong because Australia was a pretty empty country and he liked crowds.

“And what do you do for a living, Brother Rupert?” I asked him, by way of being polite.

“I'm an entrepreneur,” he said. “I put opportunists together with opportunities, and take a little percentage for my trouble.”

“I didn't know being an entrepreneur was a criminal offense in Hong King,” I said.

“I was arrested by mistake,” he answered.

“You, too?”

“Absolutely,” he said. “I expect to be out of here within the hour. And what about yourself? You look like a man of God with that turned-around collar of yours.”

“You hit the nail right on the head, Brother Rupert. That's what I am: a man of God, here to bring comfort and spiritual uplifting to the heathen.”

“What religion do you belong to?” he asked.

“One me and the Lord worked out betwixt ourselves one Sunday afternoon back in Illinois,” I said. “Hell, the way I see it, as long as we're upright and holy and got a poorbox, what's the difference?”

He broke out into a great big smile. “I
like
you, Dr. Jones,” he said. “Where's your church located?”

“Well, I ain't quite got around to building my tabernacle yet, Brother Rupert ... but I'm taking donations for it, if the spirit's come upon you and you're so inclined.”

“I don't have any money with me,” he answered. “But look me up after we're both out of here, and I might have some work for you.”

“Work wasn't exactly what I had in mind,” I said distastefully.

“When you hear what I have to offer, you might change your mind,” he said.

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “I could use a man of the cloth in my operation. I think we could enter into a mutually profitable relationship.”

“You don't say?” I replied. “Well, I suppose I could always take a brief fling at the entrepreneur business before I erect my tabernacle, God being the patient and understanding soul that He is.”

He reached into his vest pocket and handed me his card. “That's my business address. Remember to call on me.”

Well, I could tell we were hitting it off right fine, and I was going to ask him more about our pending partnership, but just then a guard came by and unlocked the door.

“They made your bail again, Rupert,” he said in a bored voice.

“Was there ever any doubt?” asked Rupert smugly.

“You get arrested by mistake a lot?” I asked as he was leaving.

“Almost daily,” he said. “Personally, I think they're just jealous of my success.”

Then he was gone, and I was left with my thoughts until Mei Sung came by for another conversion, which left me so exhausted that I thought I might grab a quick forty winks. I had snored my way through about twenty of ’em when the door opened again, and the guard gestured me to follow him.

“Did somebody make my bail, too?” I asked, thinking of Rupert Cornwall. He just chuckled and kept leading me down one corridor after another until we finally came to a little cubbyhole, which was filled with a desk, two chairs, and a pudgy Chinaman with a natty little mustache and goatee. He was dressed in a white linen suit, and hadn't bothered to take his Panama hat off even though we were inside.

“Sit, please,” he said, smiling at me.

I sat myself down in the empty chair while he nodded at the guard, who left the room.

“You are Mr. Jones?” said the Chinaman.

“Doctor Lucifer Jones at your service,” I said.

“That what we must talk about,” he said in pidgin English.

“About whether I'm Lucifer Jones?” I asked, puzzled.

“About whether you are at my service,” he said. “Because if not, then you go back to cell for 25 more days.”

“Are you the guy who made my bail?” I asked.

“No one make your bail,” he said. “Please sit back and relax, Doctor Jones. I am Inspector Willie Wong of Hong Kong Police Force. Perhaps you have heard of me?”

“Can't say that I have, Brother Wong,” I answered. He looked right disappointed at that. “Why are you wasting your time with me, anyway?” I continued. “You ought to be trying to find the ungodly sinner that stuck that extra die up my sleeve.”

“That no concern of mine,” he said, holding up a hand. “But am prepared to make deal, Dr. Jones. You help me, I help you.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “Man in your cell named Rupert Cornwall.”

“What about him?”

“Rupert Cornwall biggest gangster in Hong Kong.”

“Then why did you let him go?”

“Beauty is in eye of beholder,” said Wong.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Old Chinese proverb. Perhaps it not translate very well.” He paused. “Let Rupert Cornwall go for lack of evidence.”

“What has all this got to do with me?” I asked.

“Patience, Doctor Jones,” said Wong. “Penny saved is penny earned.”

“Another proverb?”

He nodded. “Very wise of you to notice. You are man we need.”

“Need for what, Brother Wong?” I asked.

“Need go-between. Rupert Cornwall trust you. You will meet with him, learn about operation, report back to me. Then, when time is right, we strike.”

“How long you figure this'll take?”

He shrugged. “Maybe week, maybe month, who know? Too many chefs spoil the soup.”

“I don't know, Brother Wong,” I said. “After all, I only got 25 days left to serve.”

He broke out into a great big grin. “You not acquainted with Chinese calendar, I take it?”

“How long is 25 days on a Chinese calendar?” I asked.

He shrugged again. “Maybe week, maybe month, who know?” He looked across the desk at me. “We have deal?”

I sighed. “We have a deal.”

“Good. Knew I could count on man of cloth.”

“How do I report to you?” I asked.

“He know what I look like, so you will report to me through sons.”

“I don't know how to break this unhappy tiding to you, Brother Wong,” I said, “but I ain't got no sons.”

“I have 28,” he replied distastefully. “All currently unemployed and available to work for honorable father.”

“28?” I repeated. “I don't envy your missus none.”

“Have 17 missuses,” he answered. “15 currently suing for back alimony. That's why move here from Honolulu.”

“My heart bleeds for you, Brother Wong,” I said with as much sincerity as I could muster on the spur of the moment.

“Whenever I become depressed over situation, I just remember old Chinese proverb: Watched pot never boil.” He got to his feet and walked around the desk to stand in front of me. “I think for this case we use Number Nine and Number Twenty-Six sons.”

“What are their names?”

“Just told you: Nine and Twenty-Six. Ran out of names after Number Five son was born.”

“What do you call your daughters—A through Z?”

Wong threw back his head and laughed. “You fine fellow, Doctor Jones. Wonderful sense of humor. Sincerely hope Rupert Cornwall not cut your tongue out before case is over.”