Eyeheart Everything (16 page)

— Sir, MECHANICO does not get involved in politics. Good day.

A man met me in the street and said: Come see my talking bottle of gin. We went to his small, sparse apartment beneath a mosque in the center of town. From beneath his bed he produced a valise, and from the valise two tumblers and a bag, and from the bag, the gin.

It looked like a regular bottle of Tanqueray, poorly kept, with the seal missing and the label torn.

He poured himself a glass, and one for me. We drank. “Listen,” he said. I thought to myself: oh the things I’ll do for a bottle of gin. We had another drink. “Listen,” it said, but I didn’t hear anything. He poured me another drink, and so did I.

The gin bottle said a few words on the impossibility of sainthood. “Amen,” I said, and I had another drink. My host had another drink as well.

The gin lost its initial shyness. It regaled us with off-color humor. It sang a brief medley of anti-prohibition songs of the 1920s. It analyzed my dreams. We talked a little bit about Kennedy, but we disagreed. I had another.

I had another. The bottle of gin began to slur its speech, and occasionally it misplaced possessive pronouns. It introduced a long tale about something awful it did once, when it was young. It rambled on and off the subject of its deepest fears. It made me a little uncomfortable. I had another drink.

The talking bottle of gin didn’t sound at all well. As the night eroded it told me embarrassing things. It confessed a belief in racial theories. It swore an oath of loyalty to our eternal friendship, and when we refused to do the same, it began to curse and tremble. I guess the talking bottle of gin knew what we were thinking.

My host suggested we polish off the bottle.

The talking bottle of gin made a wild, staggering plea for mercy. In the name of the virgin. In the name of the saints. In the name of decency. For the sake of future gin drinkers. It never sobered, but as it sputtered it began to glow and shake, and gradually it entered a state of glossolalia, sputtering in non-existent tongues as if possessed by ancient spirits. It was an astounding thing to watch.

Its unconstructed effusion drained from a wild pitch to a trickle. We killed the bottle and that was that.

Okay, this is a stick. You hold it in your hand like this. No, like ... right, like that. Now here is a dog. We’ll start you with a small one. The way this works is ... no no, don’t touch the dog, not yet, listen, here, this is how it’s going to work: when I give the signal, you throw the stick as far as you can, see, out that way into that meadow of sticks and grass and mud and water. Understand me so far? You, throw, stick? Okay? Good. Now, at the same moment that you throw the stick that way, I’m going to throw this dog the other way, out into that busy intersection there. See? Then the stick and the dog will turn around and — yes? Sorry, was there a question? Yes? You there, with the tie. Why do I ... oh well, you know. I guess just to keep things fair. You know, you throw something, I throw something ... anyway it’s the rules. Let’s just try this out a few times and see how it goes before we start finding faults in the system, shall we? Okay! So, then the stick and the dog will turn around and run back towards each other, and that’s when ... you sir, what’s your name? Okay, you take this bag DON’T OPEN IT SIR! Please, not yet, not until the moment when the stick and the dog both turn around, and that’s when, not a moment sooner sir, that’s when you release the venomous asps! Sir? Sir, you dropped the asps. Sir ... okay, how about you there. C’mere sir, now, take this bag, don’t be afraid there’s nothing to fear, just take this bag, very good, and at the moment I just described, you pull on this drawstring to open the bag, and then drop it on the ground right ... here. I’ll make an X with my shoe. See that? Good. Yes, then you can run away. If you can, sir, try to run that way, towards that car. That’s where I’ll be, as soon as I throw the dog.

Yes, yes sir? Um ... sir? Hang ... hang on a second sir. Sir? Listen. Hey! Listen! I am a professional circus freak, and Bowser here is a veteran of over one hundred such stunts, and I assure you I would not be up here, today, doing this trick for your benefit, for your amusement, if I thought there was any risk of injury or harm to this dog. Why I’ve know Barky here all his, all her life. Fixed her myself. Please folks, just trust me. I won’t steer you wrong. Now, I need two people, you there, and you? Ma’am? Yes, come right on up here, no danger, now, you put this black wire in your mouth. Okay? Thank you. And you sir, put this red wire in your mouth. Okay? Bite down a little? Thanks. Now, the two of you should under no circumstances touch each other until I give the signal. What’s going to happen is, the dog is going to run out of traffic, back towards the stick, and the stick is going to be chased by the asps, and they’re all going to run towards that fence over there, which as you can see if you look over at that set of equipment over there, yes folks, this is an electrified fence. Now, I need one more volunteer to operate the garden hose. Any takers? Anybody? I can’t do it myself, I’m throwing the dog. You sir, can you ... a question. Ah. I see. You have a question. Okay, please sir, tell me, what is your question this time? Yes? Hmm. How does the stick run? That’s your question: How Does The Stick Run? Okay here’s your answer sir: IT’S A FUCKING MAGIC TRICK ISN’T IT? Now would you SHUT FUCKING UP and take this HOSE here and DO what I SAY or do I have to throw this DOG at you? Hey! Come back here! You, buddy, asp guy, go tell that guy to come back here. Hey wait! Don’t drop those snakes, they’re sensitive! Hey lady, who said you could take that wire out? Oh come on! We’re almost ready to start? Don’t you people care about magic? How can you disappoint such a cute little doggie? Look! Cute little doggie! Come Back! Please! Cute happy doggie wants to play with you! Hey! Come back here! Hey!

Due to restrictions that are largely legal rather than ethical, we cannot promise that spending your hard-won dollars on our MSL products will in any way improve or enhance the quality of your life, your health, or your financial fortitude. It does in fact seem that spending your hard-won dollars on frivolous entertainment crap such as we sell will do the exact opposite of at least one of those things. However, we can and will say this: that MSL products are GUARANTEED FOR LIFE, whatever that means, and that MSL products are 73% MORE GREASE-LIFTING or STYLE-CONSCIOUS or something than some other thing, measured in some way that we will insinuate is meaningful, so that maybe you will think that we stand behind our products, or that we employ some team of scientists who are able to measure units of grease-liftingness in their test tubes and therefore able to magic-scientifically enhance our products in some way that you don’t at all understand but still believe to be good and important. If you are the type of person who falls for this sort of thing — really, we are constantly amazed how many of you there are — then it is likely that we will end up with some of your money. So of course, yeah, we’ll say that. We’ll say anything. We also can and will insert normal human grunting noises like YO! and UH-HUH! and BABY! and MMMM! into our advertisements such that maybe some time soon when you’re not consuming entertainment and your bullshit detector is off-line and your shields are down, you’ll grunt in one of these normal human ways and simultaneously be reminded of this very MSL advertisement, but probably not remember why exactly, and maybe you will confuse this unbidden leaping-into-your-mind of our advertisement, this conditioned response that we are teaching you, MMMM!, maybe you will confuse this with some deep inner desire or interest of your own, that you don’t fully understand but hope will maybe cheer you up if you act upon it. If you don’t know yourself enough to tell the difference between your own ideas and desires and the ones we plant in you — and who does know themselves that well, really — then the odds are good that you will mistakenly give us some more of your money. Ha ha. We also can, and will, simply command you to: ORDER NOW!, to BUY TODAY!, to DON’T DELAY!, to just DO IT!, because some of you out there are actually pretty suggestible, we’ve found, you are either really gullible or not completely well in the head — it’s amazing how many of you there are — and these voices that shout at you from the advertising stream seem real and compelling and somewhat threatening, and therefore you will actually BUY TODAY! either out of terror of psychic retribution or simply because somewhere along the line you learned to follow orders. And so some more of your money will be ours. We win, you lose. Also, we can and will introduce slogans, totally meaningless but strangely memorable statements such as: MSL: MANUFACTURED WITH PRIDE BY AMERICANS WHO CARE, or: MSL: BECAUSE IT’S SOME STUFF, or SWIM LARGE WITH MSL, and even if almost all of these slogans seem really stupid and pointless to you — they sure do seem that way to us — still someday one of them will resonate idiosyncratically with the trivia in your mental attic, and boom, we’re in there, MSL, and from then on you will smile and chuckle when you hear the slogan repeated in any of our many, many advertisements, and you will decide that down there at MSL there must be at least one person who is like you, and who isn’t all bad. Which just isn’t true. We are not like you, and we are all bad, and we spend all day in our nice offices eating really nice food and thinking up newer, cleverer ways of lying to you, confusing you, occupying your thoughts and the space between your thoughts, cultivating in you obsession with us, distracting you from seeing what we’re doing, controlling you and taking away all your money. Because that’s what advertising is. And we’re really, really good at it. We’re so good at it that we’re even telling you all about how we do it because we know that there is a market segment of you, large and getting larger, that is trying to defend itself against our onslaught, and that a common defense mechanism you are trying to use is to reject, disbelieve and distrust any and all advertisements, to do the very opposite as much as possible and, paradoxically, to satisfy your deep human longing to trust others while playing out your contrarian strategy by embracing only those advertisements which boldly state: HERE IS A WHOLE PILE OF BAREFACED FLAT FUCKING EVIL STINKING LIES FROM MSL for you to make a game of pretending not to believe while believing, trusting, and obeying, so as to ameliorate the cruel knowledge that we have penetrated your feeble defense mechanism, you cannot escape, we still control you. So: BUY THE DAMN MSL CATALOG. Fill out the form. Send it to us, with the self-addressed stamped envelope and the money. Send it to:

MSL THOUGHT CONTROL PROJECT
5536 NE 27TH AVE
PORTLAND, OR 97211-6230

Don’t forget to send the money.

“AFTER I RAN MY AD IN EYEHEART, hundreds of strange men called me at home!” Call 431-6746 to place an ad.

ARE YOU EXPERIENCED? I’m not! SF 20-32, Jewish preferred, seeks same for etc.

ARE YOU SCRAWNY? Skinny? Weak? Austrian bodybuilder will taunt you severely. Arnold, box 11.

BAD PERSON SOUGHT by disciplinarian. Box 794. Please, no regrets.

BLONDE, WF, 24, brain surgeon, fluent in seven languages, seeks philosopher, 30-35, charming, insightful, sensitive, blonde. Respond to Shauna, Box 3607. Please, blondes only.

CUCUMBERS ARE SEXY but they can’t buy you lingerie. Men are hairy, but they fart in bed. What to do? Lonely AF seeks hunk to exploit, make fun of. Box 2399

DANCING THE TANGO, MADRAS cuisine, laughing at Conan O’Brien, drinking chicken soup through a straw — why do people do these things? 3578

DENTAL STUDENT SEEKS masochist for help with upcoming exams. $$$. Call Paul, box 3722

DESPERATELY LONELY, no friends, please talk me out of ending my pathetic life, especially if you are a SJF, physically fit, 23-27, a good listener, tall, have curly hair, like classical music, can appreciate sports and fine beers, enjoy housework, cooking, sexually voracious. Don, box 1107. Pls. incl. photo.

DISCIPLINE NEEDED by lazy, unproductive office workers. MBA preferred. Box 3722

DISCIPLINE SOUGHT by unruly teen. Detention, grounding, suspension of allowance OK. No counseling! Greg, Box 1963.

DO YOU LIKE LONG walks, long talks, tall tales, big ideas, stiff competition, etc? Contact box 1017 for lengthy discussion.

DULL WM SEEKS INTERESTING, busty blond for topical fun. Contact box 3440

FORMER BLONDE, 45, GWM, seeks still-blonde GWM, 30-35, for transplants, dancing. Harold. Box 2954.

HOT BLONDE, 7, seeks wealthy, sophisticated older gentleman (10-12) for swings, ice cream, long walks, possible doctor. Include photo, pager number. Box 8821.

HUNGRY FOR LOVE? SWMC seeks SWFC for dinner, breakfast, maybe lunch. Respond box 2105.

I AM GOOD WITH CHILDREN. Please let me be good with yours. Buddy’s Day Care. See “Business Opportunities” next section. Oh boy!

I AM INCREDIBLY UGLY — photos available $5. send to Rudy, c/o Personals, or box 4364

I HAVE BEEN TRULY NAUGHTY, but I feel no remorse. Please help — box 2341.

I LOVE TO BE SAT ON by fat naked ladies. Otherwise I am pretty normal. Serious responses only to Box 2993.

“I MET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS in EYEHEART personals — I can no longer escape him by waking up!” Call 431-6746 to place an ad.

KNOCKOUT REDHEAD, 27, full figure, seeks generous, mature companion for money only. Brenda, Box 2400. Please include photo, $20 application fee.

LONG WALKS? I’M GAME! Fit AM, 27, seeks asphalt, spaniel, you. Box 1233, please include shoe size.