Faery Worlds - Six Complete Novels (40 page)

The whispering sound got louder ... and louder still. I soon realized that it was actual whispering and not the metaphorical stuff I was hearing.

"
Psst. Hello there! You there! Hello!"

"Tony ... did you hear that?"

"Wasn't that you?"

"No, it wasn't me, you dope. Where's it coming from?"

We stopped and listened intently. The forest was denser ahead. I moved closer to Tony as he stepped back, getting nearer to me. I slowly eased my backpack off my shoulder and unzipped it, pulling my sharpened stick from inside.

I whispered as softly as I could, my lips pressed against Tony's ear,
"Get your fucking axe out and be ready to chop off some vampire heads."

Before Tony could move, we heard the voice again - this time not whispering, but talking softly.

"Hello! Hello ... you there."

It was coming from behind some bushes off to our right now. There, a fallen tree had created a fertile place for smaller trees and ivy to grow up over it, making a nice shelter for whoever or whatever was calling to us.

"Can you see who it is?" asked Tony out of the side of his mouth.

"No, can you?"

"No."

"Who are ye talkin' aboot?" said the voice, just at my elbow.

"HOLY SHIT ON A FUCKING STICK!"
I yelled, jumping as far to my left as I could, brandishing my weapon out in front of me.

Tony yelped like a girl, simultaneously wrestling with his backpack, trying to get it open, and high-step running about five feet ahead, before spinning around to face whatever was there next to us.

I crouched down in a fighting stance, or the closest approximation of a fighting stance that I could come up with, ready to slay the vampire demon I imagined coming for us, its teeth dripping with blood - probably Becky's blood because she was the slowest, weakest one of the herd.

But boy was I surprised when it finally made its appearance.

"What the hell?" I stood up, my head tilting to the side in confusion.

Tony straightened up, looking at me and then back at our visitor - our two-foot-tall visitor with bubbly, lumpy-looking skin, wearing a plaid kilt-looking thing and brown moccasins.

"Who are you?" Tony asked.

"Who?"

"What do you mean, 'who'? You."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Ye want to know who I be?"

I'd had enough of this
Who's on First
crap. "Listen, little troll ... who are you and what the hell are you doing scaring the shit out of us like that?"

"I beg yer pardon, human girl, but I'm
not
a
troll
and I doan appreciate the insult, I can tell ye that, oh righty. Ye know, in me day, we had respect. Simple respect. A body could walk through the forest, mindin' his own business, and if he happened to cross paths with someone, well, ye could be sure that the least they would do is say hello and exchange some pleasantries. But nooo ... "

And the creature carried on, and on, and on in its Scottish or Irish accent, I couldn't tell which, until I was ready to knock it over the head with my stick. I sidled over to Tony who was standing there, his backpack hanging forgotten by his side, staring at the creature with his mouth open. I nudged him just to be sure he wasn't in some sort of trance.

"What the heck
is
it?" he asked me, his eyes not leaving the spectacle before us.

The creature continued, oblivious to our conversation, "What's so hard about saying hello I'd like ta know? ... "

"Well, not a troll, apparently. Let's just walk away, real slow. I don't want to get it angry. But get your axe out just in case."

Tony looked down at his bag and reached in to get the axe, taking his eyes off the thing in front of us.

I saw the creature's eyes sparkle as the axe made its appearance from the bag. That seemed to finally get it to shut up for a second.

"Well, well,
well
... what have we here? The axe of the Hawthorne if I not be mistaken ... " The lumpy dwarf moved toward us, eyes on the axe, hand reaching out as if to touch it.

"Not so fast, little non-troll," I said, holding my stick out at it, point forward.

The little thing stopped, eyes growing wide as it stared at my scary little stick.

"And the Dark of Blackthorn too. Oh me goodness, this is a verra interesting day in the Green Forest fer sure, a verra interesting day, indeed." Its eyes were glittering with excitement, and it hopped from one foot to the other like it had ants in its pants - except that it wasn't wearing pants.

Oh please, God, let that thing be wearing underwear under that kilt
. I wasn't sure if the creature's enthusiasm was a very good thing, or a very, very bad thing, so I decided to err on the side of caution.

"Yes, it is! The ... um ... Dark pointy stick ... of Blackthorn, or whatever. And the axe of Hawthorne too! So stand back, trolly non-troll, or feel their sharp edges!" I brandished my stick a little to give my threat more oomph, nudging Tony with my elbow.

He held the axe up a little, but not very enthusiastically.

I was going to have to talk to him about that later. First impressions were everything, after all. Regardless, it seemed to do the trick.

The creature held up its hands in surrender. "Oh, goodness me, no,
please
... I mean ye no harm - absolutely no harm atall, I can assure ye of that. Lucky for ye I've stumbled upon ye here, in the middle of nowhere, totally by happenstance. Yes, very lucky for ye, indeedy do!"

She, or he - I wasn't sure whether the thing was a male or female, even with the skirt, since it could possibly be a man-kilt - was all smiles now.

"Yer lost, I can see that. And I will help ye find yer way." It put its little lumpy hands together in front of its chest, as if in prayer. "So tell me, where would ye like to go?"

Tony and I stood together in silence for a moment, letting our brains process what we were seeing. Not a vampire, for sure. But not a dwarf or a midget either. Something smaller and lumpier. And not a troll. I didn't trust it, and I was sure Tony didn't either, even though we hadn't yet said a word to each other.
Damn,
how I wished that vibe reader thing Tony possessed was a two-way connection.

Tony was the first one to get a grip. "Let's start with you. Who and what are you?"

"Oh, human boy, I'm so verra sorry for not having introduced meself to ye earlier. How incredibly rude that were of me. And there I be, berating ye for yer lack of manners when I so clearly could use a few of me own. Ye know, that's the problem with the world today, so many fa ... people, just runnin' about their business, so self-centered, not worryin' about anyone but therselves. No time fer even the most basic pleasantries, the most basic manners, like a proper introduction ... "

My brain was spinning and I could feel a headache coming on. This was why I hated babysitting. This thing reminded me of a little kid - talking, talking, talking, blah, blah, blah ...

Tony cleared his throat loudly, interrupting the creature. "You were telling us your name and what you are ... ?"

"Ah, yes, sorry, got away from meself there. Me name, young boy, is Gilly, and I be a gnome of the Gar." It took a deep bow, lowering its head almost to the forest floor. It really didn't have that far to go, but it was still impressive.

I was glad we weren't behind the gnome at that moment because I was pretty sure its dress or kilt went right up in the back, revealing a lot more gnome than I was ready to see today. Or ever.

"Hi, Gilly," said Tony politely.

Sometimes that kid scared me with his innocence. "Gilly, why aren't you wearing a pointed red hat and red boots?" I asked.

Gilly frowned at me. "Ya know, stereotyping be a sign of limited intelligence. I might have asked ye where yer lower back tattoo be or yer lip piercing, but I didna." It folded its short little arms and cocked out one funky-shaped hip in a defiant stance.

You've got to be fucking kidding me
. I decided after that move that Gilly must be a girl gnome. Only chicks and seriously bitchy gay guys had that particular brand of sass.
Is there such a thing as a gay gnome? Hmmm ...

"Jaaayne. I know what you're thinking, but don't," said Tony.

"Fine," I said, frustrated that I couldn't mess with the gnome. I don't know a lot about these creatures, other than the fact that they are usually ceramic and hanging out in gardens, but I was pretty sure a gnome in a dress was hilarious in any social circle, human or otherwise.

I sighed. "Okay, Gilly the gnome, we are trying to reach a waypoint and you probably don't even know what that is, so I'm wasting my time here, but ... "

"Well, of course I be knowin' what a waypoint be. There be many of them here in the Green Forest. Four in fact." Gilly was looking at her fingernails, which I now noticed were disgustingly dirty. She started chewing on one of them, which was totally gag-worthy.

I was glad I'd only had a cracker for breakfast.
Oh shit, do not think about how nails are like crackers, do not think about how nails are like crackers ...
Now
I was feeling sick to my stomach.

Tony nudged me, getting me back on track.

Holy bat balls, the little lumpy chick knows where to go!
"Well, we'd like directions to the first waypoint," I said.

"And which one would that be?" asked Gilly.

"The one on my map." I struggled to pull it out of my bag. "Right here, at this spot." I held the map out to her, stretching my arm as far as it would go, a little worried about the dirty gnome coming too near.

Gilly arched her eyebrows, widening her eyes, but she didn't come any closer. Her eyes kept darting to my stick.

I put it behind my back, tucking it in my waistband, realizing it worried her. I didn't know why. The worst it could do was scratch her, and her skin looked so lumpy, I doubted it would even penetrate.
Ugh,
it was like looking at flesh-colored toad skin.

After the stick was out of sight, Gilly moved forward cautiously, snatching the map from my hand and stepping back.

"Hey, that's my map!" I said.

A voice came from behind us. "Doan give 'er that map! She'll ruin it fer certain!"

Tony spun around to see who it was.

I glanced back but then returned my gaze to Gilly. I didn't want her taking off with my map. "What the hell is it now, Tony?"

"It's another gnome. I think this one is a guy."

"Eh? What'd ye say there, human boy?"

I could hear the leaves rustle as the second gnome approached. "Ye humans are all the same. Ye come in here, tramping around, making all kinds o' noise, disturbing the peace - doan even have the common decency to introduce yerselves. And now look - ye've gone and given yer map to Gilly here. I hope it wasn't important to ye, because she'll surely never get it back to ye in one piece."

"Shut yer yap, ye old turkey waddle. I'm just takin' a look to see which waypoint they want."

"Well, I'd think that'd be obvious. They'd be wantin' the one by the High River of course, it be the closest one."

"How do ye know they didna want to go to the one in the Dell, eh? That one's the best one by me reckonin'. I'd go to that one if it be me."

"Well it's not ye, is it then? It's these two young humans." The second gnome turned to us now. "And what would two humans be wantin' with the waypoints, anyway, eh? And how did ye get here then? Who sent ye?"

The first gnome chimed in. "There ye go again, giving orders, expectin' people to just jump when ye haven't even bothered to introduce yerself. You know, that's the problem with fa...forest dwellers these days, don't even bother with the niceties anymore ... "

The headache was coming back. "Holy horseshit-on-a-stick, Tony, these gnomes are nuts." They couldn't even hear me, they were arguing back and forth so much about common courtesy and manners.
What was it with these gnomes and their manners, anyway?

"Excuse me, sir and ma'am!" said Tony loudly, immediately causing the gnomes to stop talking and give him their full attention.

He started with a small, awkward bow, hurriedly tucking his axe back in his bag. "My friend Jayne and I - I am Tony by the way, it's nice to meet you - would like to humbly beg you for directions to the waypoint by the High River. And if it wouldn't be too much trouble, further directions to the waypoint in the Dell. Please accept my humblest apologies for my late and hasty introduction." He bowed again when he finished.

I stared at him, incredulous. He sounded like he was reading out of a book for the Knights of the Round Table or something.

He nudged me in the side and said,
"Bow!"
out of the corner of his mouth.