Faith, Honor & Freedom (23 page)

Chapter 16

Weeks passed, and Alec has still managed to evade police. There have been no more deaths with similar MO’s, but the threat of him still remains. I’m struggling with forgiving myself for not seeing who he really was and for being the reason that Jenny was killed. He would have never been on our street had I not taken him back there. I’m working on writing a letter to her family, but I just haven’t found the right words yet. A therapist would probably help, but at this point, I’m just not ready to rehash any of the details. I’m ashamed and irate. I wish he were behind bars so everyone would stop looking at me so gloomily, like if they say the wrong thing I’m going to snap.

I’m being released from the hospital today, which couldn’t have come too soon. I’ve healed up well, and aside from a hideous scar down my abdomen and some internal complications I’m going to be just fine. Physically, anyway.

The time I spent in the hospital did come with a few perks—the first being that I was able to be close to Jade’s baby. We haven’t come up with a name for her yet, but the nurses and I have affectionately called her
Button
. She’s up to just over four pounds now, and aside from the feeding tube, she’s almost ready to go home … wherever home may be. The thought absolutely cripples me that I may never see her. She’s been the biggest part of my therapy. I swear the skin-to-skin time we share has healed me just as much as it has healed her.

We’re still searching for Jade, but the search for Alec has taken precedence. I just want to know that she’s all right. She’s gone through more than any child ever should, and I feel like I’ve finally forgiven her for leaving Button. It couldn’t have been an easy decision for her, and I need to respect the choice she’s made.

I look down at my arm, finally free of the IV that’s been keeping me fed. I’ve kept solids down for a few days now, and it’s going well. I still can’t eat much at a time, but it’s a process that I’m able to finish at home. I’ve had to send away three clients, and I’ve delved in deep to my savings. My parents want to help me out, but they’re retired, and I know it would only take away things they need. I’m just glad that I have health insurance, even though the co-pays are still going to eat through most of my savings.

Violet, Jack, and Gavin have been in to see me quite a bit. Gavin and I both have belly scars now, and as much as it hurts, I try and make light of the situation, saying I just want to be as cool as he is. I’m thankful for all of the great people in my life. I’m sure this would have been a lot harder without them.

Most of all, I’m thankful for Weston. He’s been here, helping me, every day, and while some days I did just want to be alone with my thoughts, it’s probably for the best I wasn’t—I might have been moved up to the psych ward. It’s not as if things have been romantic between us, we’re in a hospital room after my psychotic ex-whatever-he-was tried to kill me. Doesn’t exactly set the mood, and neither did the nurses coming in every few hours or the IV’s in my arm. I’ve gotten a few forehead kisses and a whole lot of care, and I have to say, it’s more than I would have ever expected from him. I’ve taken to using his first name often.
Hoss
suits our friend zone, but
Weston
just feels so much more intimate.

“You ready to go?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts. He’s wearing my favorite jeans of his, and an Oakland A’s green and yellow baseball shirt. While I’m not a fan of baseball, I am a fan of how it’s tight in all of the right places. It makes me want to reach out and run my fingers along the hard muscle underneath. What’s funny, though, is that he is probably only wearing it for my father. I know he feels terrible for not protecting me, that he failed our family somehow. I look back up at his deep blue eyes, and watch as he smirks at me. I don’t even blush. I’ve waited a long time to be able to ogle him, and I’m going to enjoy it.

“Yeah,” I say, standing up from the corner of the hospital bed I was sitting on.

We’ve decided the safest place for me to stay is either with my parents or at a hotel. While I wouldn’t mind my mom’s cooking, her prodding me on what went down is definitely not something I want to be subjected to. Nor do I want to impose something like this on them, and possibly put their lives in danger. So, hotel it is.

Weston grabs the wheelchair, and I growl my disapproval.

“Hospital policy,” he says, clearly enjoying my discomfort in the matter.

I plop my now much skinnier ass in the wheelchair and let him do what he’s been doing best: take care of me.

“Weston, you don’t need to stay with me. Aren’t there any rookie cops that are better suited for this kind of thing? You’re a detective; surely you don’t have the time to babysit victims. It seems like a waste of resources.”

“There might be, but they’re not as good as I am,” he says with a wink. Arrogant ass.

I look around the small hotel room, wondering how I’m supposed to spend the next few days locked up in here with him, but I guess we survived in the hospital room.

It’s possible that they never find Alec, as daunting as that may seem. I’m not about to waste my life savings staying locked away in a hotel room either. I could sell my house and move, but it was Rhett’s, and I’m not sure I’m ready to part with it just yet. Weston says the police force will reimburse me for any costs, and he’s even offered to pay in the meantime, but I refuse. This is my mess, and I don’t want anyone else paying for my mistakes.

“So … what do you want to do?” I ask awkwardly. He lays down on the king sized bed and pats the spot beside him. I shake my head. If he seriously thinks he’s getting anything from me, he’s psychotic. I’m still healing!

“Oh calm down,” he replies, looking at the worried expression on my face. “I figured we could just talk. Or would you rather sit in those ratty wicker chairs over there?” he asks as his eyes dart across the room.

I decide to just go with it and lay down carefully in the bed beside him. My stomach still hurts, but hey, lesson learned about picking up guys in restaurants. I should probably just stick with what I know, and I’m glad that happens to be Weston Hoss.

I can feel the heat radiating from his body as he gives me a look that just screams sex. I bite my lip, and stare up at the ceiling, reminding myself that sex is probably the worst thing I could do, emotionally and physically. Still, my body is aching to be touched by him.

“What did you want to talk about?” I ask nervously. He runs two fingers down the length of my arm and my entire body shivers.

“You,” he says quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I know you’ve been going down to the NICU to see that baby. Violet says she was Jade’s.”

I feel my body tense, even with his calming touch. I nod, not knowing what else to say. He knows I’m looking for Jade, and that she left the baby. Is it so hard to believe that I’m keeping Button company until she’s released?

“How come you didn’t want to tell me you were going to see her? I knew you were lying when you said you were visiting one of your grams old friends, but I didn’t want to upset you in the hospital.”

“Thanks, but I wouldn’t have gotten upset. It is what it is. She’ll be released soon anyway. We haven’t found Jade, so at this point I’m just hoping Button finds a good home.”

He tilts my chin toward him, forcing me to look him in the eyes. I take a deep breath and pray he doesn’t see the pain behind my eyes.

“Don’t act like it doesn’t bother you, Sunshine. You’re too good of a person for that. You love that baby, because that’s just who you are. Don’t be ashamed of that.”

I suck on my bottom lip to keep the tears from spilling over. I curse my mother for passing down these extremely hormonal genes to me.

“I know you want a family, Lana, and fuck, all these years, I’ve been wanting to give you one, too—plant my babies inside of you, watch you grow … I just couldn’t, and looking back, I’m pissed we missed all of this time. It still rips me up inside knowing Rhett didn’t want us to be together. Knowing I’m betraying him, when he was never anything less than the perfect friend. I think he would want me here now; he would want me to protect you, and I can do that best when I’m sharing your bed. And don’t you dare think I’m here for just that. I’m here because there’s no place else on Earth I’d rather be,” he says, wiping a fallen tear from my cheek. “I’ll never deserve you, Lana. Never. But I promise you I would never hurt you. I’ll love you like no other man could. I’ve loved you my whole life, and that has to count for something. Say yes to me, take a chance on me, and I’ll give you all of the babies you could ever want.”

With that, the tears start to fall quickly, and I bury my head in his chest. Fuck, this isn’t fair. Fuck, fuck, fuck! “Weston,” I say quietly. I know I have to say this now before the crying gets too bad, and I’m unable to speak. I couldn’t cry in the hospital, but it’s going to be impossible to hold in now. He looks at me, confused, and it rips my heart in two. I was never sure he wanted children, but after hearing that, I know now that I may lose him, too.

“I can’t have kids,” I choke out quickly. I know I should also tell him what Vi told me—that Rhett’s okay with us being together so he doesn’t need to feel guilty anymore, but at the moment, all I can feel is my own self-pity with everything I’ve lost. I’m being incredibly self-centred, but I know if I don’t tell him everything now, I’ll never be able to.

“What do you mean, babe? Of course you can. I mean, not right away or anything, but you’re going to be an incredible mother,” he says soothingly.

“Please stop,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut. “After the surgery … the doctor told me the damage Alec did inside was too extensive. He severed one of my fallopian tubes, making it useless and the rest of my uterus is now weak. On the off chance I’m able to conceive, my uterus could rupture and both the baby and I could die. He put in an IUD, but he wanted permission to do a tubal.”

I watch as pain and anger twists his face into a person I don’t even recognize. It makes the pain worse for me, and I clutch my stomach in pain as the sobs rack my body. I curl into the fetal position, wishing I had taken an extra pain pill.

Weston jumps up from the bed and starts pacing the room.

“No. That can’t be true. You can get a second opinion, and a third, and a fourth,” he says frantically.

“Please Weston, you’re making this harder,” I plead.

“Shit.” He comes back and sits on the corner of the bed.

“It’s going to be all right. You’re going to be okay.”

“I’m not! I’m never going to be okay. I’ve been dreaming of having my own family since I was a kid. I’m a fucking birth doula, and I can’t even give birth! What kind of sick, twisted joke is that? I’ve been watching beautiful families bring life into this world for almost three decades, and I will
never
get that chance,” I say, tears streaming down my face. “Never!”

I look up at him, his face filled with anger and what looks like regret. I guess this is a deal breaker for him. He pulls out his cell phone and pushes in some buttons.

“I’ve gotta go,” he says heatedly.

“Please, no,” I plead.

He doesn’t even look back as he storms out of the hotel room, slamming the door behind him. I curl up tighter into my ball, unable to help the frantic cries and screams escaping my mouth.

Alec stole everything from me.
Everything.

I must have cried myself to sleep because I wake up to someone pounding on the door. I stumble out of bed, and it becomes quickly apparent that I need to take one of my pain pills and fast.

“Lana Carter, open this damn door,” I hear Vi shout. I check the peephole, and see her and a uniformed officer I vaguely recognize standing outside. I take a deep breath and open the door a crack.

“You look like shit,” she says, pushing past me.

I look up at the officer, but he averts his eyes and then turns around so his back is to the door. Okay, I guess he’s not coming in.

“What are you doing here? And where’s Gavin?” I shut the door.

“Jack’s got him at a baseball game,” she says, rolling her eyes. “And Hoss called me,” she says, looking confused. “Didn’t you ask for me?”

I shake my head slowly.

“What the hell is going on?” she asks, plopping down on the bed. “And take a pain killer, you’re clutching your stomach like your insides are going to spill out.”

I look down and realize that I’m doing just that. I must look psychotic. Luckily, I don’t need to be self-conscious about it in front of Violet. I cross the room and open the prescription we picked up on the way here. I look at the dosage and decide to take an extra for good measure. I’m so not a pill person, but it’s that or pass out from the pain at this point. I pop them into my mouth and swallow eagerly.

“I don’t know, Vi. You might need to restrain me from swallowing this whole bottle of pills,” I say, plopping down onto the bed and curling into a ball.

“Jesus, Lana,” she says, climbing in beside me, and curling herself around me. “What happened today?”

“Everything.” I feel the tears start to sting again. “I can’t have kids, and I guess that matters to Hoss. He left here pissed after I told him.”

“Oh Lana, I’m so sorry,” she says, giving me a tight squeeze. “I know how much you wanted a big family.”

“I know.”

“I really had no idea Hoss did, though. What did he say?”

“Not much of anything, he just sort of left.”

“Maybe he’s just mad for you?” she asks.

“He left me here screaming and crying. If he was mad for me, he would have been a lot more useful consoling me.”

“Well, he did call me …” she says, trailing off.

“Don’t stick up for him, please. I’m kind of having a shitty day.”

“How long have you known?”

“Same day I woke up.”

“Lana,” she says, slapping my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not exactly a fun conversation to have with myself, let alone anyone else. I didn’t want to break down in the hospital and end up in the psych ward,” I admit.