Faith Wish (18 page)

Anne-Marie felt like Abigail's words were meant specifically for her. The real Christians, those who followed the Lord unconditionally, those who put Him at the center of their lives, they were the ones who could point to that fixed moment in time when they became Christians.

It was the one thing people like her parents could never understand, and probably what Sister Abigail meant was that the cross to bear was heavy when people called you “unbalanced” or members of a “cult.” Or the “Christian Right.”

At the close of the meeting, when it was time for prayer circle, Anne-Marie found herself praying out loud for the first time. She began by lifting up Chris Weems, praying that someday, somehow, he would find the Spirit leading him to change out of the gay lifestyle.

Holding Rachel's hand on her right and Crystal's on her left, she felt the surge of the circle. She found the words. “Lord Jesus,” she began by saying, “we just give you all the praise and glory. We thank you, Father, for the gift of the Spirit and all the other gifts which bless our lives. I'd like to lift up Michelle and her parents. I just pray you give her parents the light to understand that her new life in you is not a rejection of them. Help them understand, Lord, understand and forgive.”

And then she was finished. She wasn't sure by now if her prayer was offered for Michelle and her parents or for herself. It didn't matter. She felt both of her hands get a squeeze of affirmation. Standing in the light, Sister Abigail was smiling broadly at her.

The next morning, Anne-Marie awoke early and took a long, hot shower while her dormitory mates were still sleeping. She felt how hard and tight her belly had become. It wasn't expanded; it was still flat as a board. But it was firmer.
There's a child growing there
, she reminded herself. It seemed so remarkable she repeated it out loud: “The child is growing.”

It represented a different dimension of being pregnant, this firm feeling. At least physically. She no longer had the morning nausea, and her appetite was returning daily. Physically she felt better.

With a special energy she lathered her loins several times over—those parts which were ever the reminder of her extraordinary sin. Again, she wanted it to be an act of purification. But it couldn't really be. It was an empty act because it was so after-the-fact. Like the people who sprayed their mouths with breath freshener after every cigarette they smoked. It couldn't really change anything, not in any lasting way.

She returned to her bed, wrapped in a large, fluffy towel. She noticed Rachel writhing in her sleep and moaning. Anne-Marie sat down on the edge of her bed and placed the tattered troll doll on her pillow. Suddenly, Rachel was awake, lying on her side and staring straight at her. She propped her head with her hand.

“Were you dreaming the incubus?” Anne-Marie asked her apprehensively. She whispered so as not to wake the others.

“Not the incubus,” Rachel whispered back. “I was dreaming the pale horse on the bridge.”

“What is the incubus like?” Anne-Marie asked.

“I said I wasn't dreaming it.”

“I know, but I want you to tell me,” Anne-Marie persisted.

Rachel blew her nose on a tissue before she responded. “He can take any form. That's the demon in him. He's not limited because he's one of Satan's minions.”

“But you said he was a hideous creature with nasty wings like a bat.”

“Sometimes. That's when he takes the scary form.”

“Brother Jackson is the father of my baby,” declared Anne-Marie suddenly, in a voice too loud.

“Shhh,” Rachel reminded her. “I said I dreamed the incubus, but that doesn't mean it has to be a vision. Every dream is not a prophecy.”

“How do you tell the difference?”

“Sometimes I can't. Remember, I told you the gift is not always cool. Sometimes it's more like a curse.”

“And you never dreamed it about me, Rachel. Tell me that's so.”

“That's so. I never dreamed the incubus and you together.”

“What about the pale horse on the bridge? Doesn't that mean death?”

“Maybe, if it's a vision or a prophecy.”

“You said you've had the dream several times,” Anne-Marie was quick to remind her. “Does that mean there will be death? Someone will die?”

“I can't say for sure. You're real worked up this morning. Are you scared of death?”

“Oh yes, aren't you?”

“No. If you die in the arms of the Lord, He will simply take you home to eternal peace.”

It was reassuring. Anne-Marie repeated Rachel's words. “… He will simply take you home to eternal peace.”

“Exactly,” said Rachel, with a smile. She took a futile swipe at her noncompliant shock of hair. Others in the dorm were beginning to stir, so they dropped the discussion.

Crystal cut Anne-Marie's hair again. This time she fashioned a more careful, shingled effect to achieve a more chic cut. Anne-Marie didn't ask for the favor, but Crystal said she'd like to do it.

“I'm going to be a cosmetologist,” she said. “When school starts in the fall, I'll only be taking two academic courses, and the rest of the time will be all vocational.”

“I think you'll be good at it, Crystal. I think you have the gift.”

Crystal worked her scissors and comb swiftly at the nape of Anne-Marie's neck. “When we take vocational classes, we get to be in another part of the building. It's a better place for big geeks like me to hang out. We don't get teased there as much.” She was laughing.

“Why are you calling yourself a big geek?”

“Because that's what I am. But it's okay. That's one reason I love it here at Camp Shaddai. If you have the Lord inside of you, nobody cares what you look like on the outside. Did you already graduate, Anne-Marie?”

“I was supposed to, but then I needed summer school to make up some missed credits.”

“Did you go through graduation ceremonies with your class?”

“No. I could have, but it would have been too humiliating. Know what I mean?”

“That must have been a real bummer, to miss out.”

“The part that bummed me out,” said Anne-Marie, “was that all my friends were having these graduation parties and open houses. Stuff like that. You know, where their houses get decorated with balloons and they put pictures on display from when they were a little kid.”

“I'm really sorry,” Crystal said.

“I wasn't a very good person, Crystal. I got suspended and stuff.”

“Me too. Sometimes I would go and hang out at the mall all by myself. Just so I wouldn't have to go to school and get teased.”

It sounded familiar to Anne-Marie. Not the teasing, but the part about skipping school. At least Crystal had a just cause. “People come here for all kinds of reasons, don't they?”

“That's true. All kinds of reasons. Why are you here?”

Anne-Marie hesitated. She wasn't ready to talk about the baby. “I'm trying to work out some personal problems. I need a place where I can get counsel from the Lord without a lot of outside distractions.”

“Do your parents know you're here?”

“No.”

“Is that the reason the problem with Michelle bothered you so much? When her parents came and forced her to leave?”

“I think so,” Anne-Marie admitted. “I think that's part of it, anyway. How did you know?”

“I was talking to Jessica about it. She told me you were real upset over it. Don't hold it against her though, she wasn't gossiping.”

“There's no reason I'd hold anything against Jessica. She was just worried about me.”

“Well, we're finished here, so why don't we talk to Sister Abigail about it? Here, have a look in the mirror so you can see the back.”

Sister Abigail was free, so they talked to her in her quarters. Crystal began by saying that Ruth Anne was still concerned about Michelle.

“What is it that concerns you so, Sister Ruth Anne?” Abigail asked.

“I guess it was the way it was so nasty. It could happen to me. The way everyone seemed so mad and sad. I felt so bad the way they were yelling at you.”

Sister Abigail shrugged. “The Lord doesn't promise us a comfy trip when we choose to follow Him, as you know. When we choose to take up the cross, it may not be made of balsa wood.”

“I know, but they accused you of running a cult. Were they taking her by force?”

“They were taking her against her will, if that's what you mean. But why would anyone need to use force, Sister Ruth Anne? Do we have any bars on our windows? Are there any locks on our doors?”

It sounded as silly as it was. “No. Of course not,” Anne-Marie replied.

“Do we have any gates that are closed? Any security guards? Is there any restriction on coming or going?”

“No, of course not,” Anne-Marie repeated, feeling foolish.

“No one is kept at Camp Shaddai by force,” Abigail reminded her. “No one is kept here against their will. Anyone can leave at any time, or call home at any time, or make any arrangements they want. There is no coercion of any kind here. Have you seen any coercion?”

“No.”

“Is there anyone you'd like to call?”

“I think I need to call my sister,” Anne-Marie admitted. “I promised her I would.”

“Then if you made a promise, I think you ought to keep it. Do you feel like the Lord may be leading you to call her?”

“Maybe so. I'm not sure, but you're right that I need to keep the promise.”

Crystal spoke up. “I'd better be going to Bible study.”

“Is it okay if I stay a little longer, Sister Abigail? There's one other thing I'd like to talk about.”

“Of course. Sister Crystal, please tell the group Ruth Anne will be a few minutes late.”

“Okay, bye.”

After she was gone, Anne-Marie summoned the courage to bring up her apprehension about Brother Jackson.

“What is it that you fear, Ruth Anne?”

Anne-Marie still relished it when Abigail and the others called her
Ruth Anne
. As a symbol of the new person she was, it gave her added confidence. But she pointed out, “It's been more than a week now. He said he'd be gone two weeks.”

“Did Brother Jackson say two weeks exactly?”

“No, not exactly. He said two or three weeks.” She knew she had to be truthful.

“Then can't you put your faith in what he told you? He's a man of God, is he not?”

“Oh, for sure he's a man of God. I was just hoping I'd hear from him by now.”

“You know how crusades go, Ruth Anne.”

“I know. Sometimes they go really well, with lots of participants and lots of conversions. When that happens, they last longer.”

“Exactly. When the Lord leads, He doesn't always give us a predictable timetable or calendar. That's the beauty of His leadership.”

Somehow, though, Anne-Marie felt the need to persist. “Sister Abigail, is there any way I could call him? Do you have a phone number where I could reach him?”

“I'm sorry I don't.”

“Do you have an address where I could write him?” Briefly, the thought of e-mail occurred to her, but there were no computers at Camp Shaddai.

“Sorry again, Ruth Anne. The crusade he's conducting is in a rural area of Oklahoma, somewhere near Stillwater, I think. I've never been there. I don't have a mailing address.”

Disappointing as this answer was, there might be a silver lining. If her parents decided to sic the cops on Brother Jackson, he would be hard to find. Very hard. If Sister Abigail didn't know how to reach him, it wasn't likely the authorities could track him, either.

Sister Abigail interrupted these reflections by saying, “I do have some good news that I can share with you.”

“What good news is that?”

“Brother Jackson called here a few days ago. I talked to him.”

“You did? What'd he say?”

“He told me the crusade was going extremely well, and that he still expects to return to Shaddai as soon as possible.”

“When will that be?”

“Now what did we just say?”

“I know, I know. In the Lord's time, not ours.”

“Amen.”

Anne-Marie wondered again exactly what information Brother Jackson had shared with Abigail.
How much did she know about the relationship between Brother Jackson and herself? Did Abigail know more about his plans than she was revealing
? But that was stupid. It was worse than stupid, it was faithless. A Spirit-filled woman like Sister Abigail who kept the Lord at the center of her life would never be treacherous.

“Sister Ruth Anne, I have an observation.”

“What's that?”

“I don't believe your faith is strong enough yet.”

“I know.” Anne-Marie hung her head.

“Don't feel ashamed. I'm not saying it as a criticism. You told me you became a Christian sometime in March when the Spirit entered you at one of Brother Jackson's tabernacle meetings.”

“Yes, that's true.”

“That's hardly more than three months ago. That's not a long period of time for membership in the Fellowship of believers. It takes time to make a full entry into the Spirit-filled life.”

It made sense enough to reduce Anne-Marie's sense of shame. “I need more time,” she said.

“You need more time, but if your efforts are sincere, the Lord will bless them. He will never turn his back on you.”

“I believe that with all my heart and soul.”

“I trust and pray you do. But be kind to yourself by being patient. There are so many old habits to unlearn. So many parts of the old you which need to be put aside. That doesn't happen overnight.”

“I'll try, Sister Abigail. Will you pray for me?”

“Of course. I pray for you every day. I see you getting stronger and stronger in the faith. I even see you eating and sleeping better.” Now she was smiling broadly “Am I wrong?”