Fall From Love (27 page)

She groans. “Ugh,
you’re such a prude. Am I going to have to show you how to turn it on? Here
give it to me.” She lunges for the bag and I pull it to my chest.

“No, I’ll be okay,
promise. I’m sure I can figure it out.”

She rolls her eyes,
but as hard as she tries, she can’t keep her laugh contained. “You’re so funny.
I’m sure your engineer of a boyfriend could help you with the mechanics of it.
I’m sure you wouldn’t have to ask him twice on how to turn it on.” She’s
laughing so hard now that’s she’s rolled onto her back, holding her stomach and
is having trouble breathing. I pull the pillow from my lap and stuff my face
into it.

Chapter Seventeen

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point
or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the
wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.

~ Dave Matthews Band

We’ve been back home
for a few days and I still haven’t talked to Carter. We’ve exchanged a few text
messages, but haven’t talked about anything major, or said anything about the
kiss or what we both agreed to think about over the break. My heart and my mind
have been disagreeing on what they want and what they think they should do.
I’ve played it all out in my head, knowing what could happen to us if, for some
reason, we try to be more and it doesn’t work out. Everyone says that, no
matter what, they can remain friends, but it never seems to work out that way.
Over the past few days, I’ve only been able to come to one conclusion, one
thing I know for sure, and that is that I don’t want to lose him, I can’t lose
him.

When we got back to
the apartment a couple days ago, Josh was waiting for us. He and Jenna have
been locked in her bedroom ever since. Well, except to eat and shower. I saw
them go into her bathroom together yesterday morning and thanked my lucky stars
we each have our own. After some of the things Carter has told me that he
witnessed between the two of them, I’m wishing we each had our own kitchen,
too. So, in order to give them some space and to put myself out of my misery of
seeing them happy and in love, I’ve been spending most of my time at the
library with Becca.

It’s not that I’m
annoyed or angry at Jenna, I’m actually really happy for her. If I’m being
totally honest with myself, I’m actually a little jealous of her. Okay, a lot
jealous of her. I envy what she has, how her eyes light up every time she sees
Josh and, even more, how his eyes do the same. A few months ago, I swore off
love forever, never wanting to give it another chance because I had been burned
so badly the last time I gave my heart away.

Tonight, Becca and
I have planned to meet up at the library to study. Finals are still a few weeks
away, but I need all the studying I can get. When I pull up in the school
parking lot, it’s packed with cars, but I find a great spot right up front. I’m
about a half hour early and I know that Becca probably isn’t here yet, but I
was eager to get out of the apartment.

When I walk in and
scan the library for an open table, I stop short and can’t believe who I’m seeing.
I had never seen him in here before. Carter’s sitting a few tables down, his
head is buried in a book, and he looks to be concentrating really hard on
something. I’m tempted to turn away and head towards the other side of the
room, but I realize that this is exactly what I don’t want to happen between
us. I don’t want that kiss to affect our friendship. It’s still up in the air
on whether or not we are going to move onto the next level, but whatever
happens, I don’t want to lose him, or for things to be awkward between us.

“Hey,” I say,
keeping my voice low, instantly feeling bad for interrupting him.

He looks up to meet
my gaze. “Oh, hey.”

“How are you?”

He shrugs. “I’m
okay. You?”

“I’m good.” I nod
and smile, but on the inside I’m reeling at how different things feel between
us, cringing at our exchanges.

A couple girls turn
our way, looking annoyed, and I smile apologetically.

“So, how was your
Thanksgiving?” I ask.

He looks back
towards his book and a wave of pain crosses his face. “It was… alright.”

I want to ask him
about his mom, but I’m not sure how to approach the subject without throwing
Jenna under the bus. “How’s your sister?” I ask instead.

He presses his lips
together and then says, “She’s doing okay.”

I want to confront
him about our kiss and see if he thought about us at all over the break, but it
doesn’t seem like the appropriate time or place. With the cold shoulder he’s
giving me and the awkwardness between us, I’m wishing the kiss hadn’t happened
at all. The feelings I have been struggling with for the past few weeks are
still with me, but the longer I sit here, the more clear it becomes that Carter
has made his decision. He doesn’t look happy to see me. He doesn’t even act
like he missed me all that much. Maybe he realizes he just wants to be my
friend and that he’s been mistaken about his feelings for me.

Now, more than
ever, I wish that I could go back in time to that night and take back the words
that came out of my mouth. I just want
us
back... the way we were.

There is a long silence
between us and the heaviness in my chest is getting stronger with each passing
second. “Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Good luck with studying,”
I say, trying to keep my voice even.

“Yeah, I’ll see
ya.”

When I walk off, I
expect him to stop me, to tell me that he misses me, to tell me that he wants
me, but he doesn’t say anything.

It’s five in the
morning and I haven’t slept a minute all night. The way I treated Holly at the
library the other day has been eating away at me the past few days. It’s all
I’ve thought about, yet I’ve been too much of a pussy to call her and talk to
her about it. I should have called her that night and apologized for being a
jerk, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why, but ever since the night of our kiss, knowing
the feelings I have for her are strong; it scares the shit out of me.

Before we shared
that amazing kiss, things between us were simple, easy. Now, it’s just
complicated as hell. That night, when I asked her to think about what she
really wanted, I was trying to protect her and what we had. There’s not a doubt
in my mind that every part of me wants her, but I’m also scared to lose her...
I can’t lose her. I know now that I’ve been pushing her away and I’m going to
lose her one way or the other if I don’t quit acting like an ass.

So how the hell am
I supposed to be friends with a girl that I’m crazy about, but I’m not sure if
I should be with? As far as I can tell, there are only two answers to that
question—the two answers I’ve been analyzing in my head as I lay here and stare
at my ceiling. It’s not hard to figure out that I can’t have it both ways.
Either I have to push my feelings for her aside—as hard as that may be—and we
go back to being friends. Or I have to tell her how I really feel about her, tell
her the truth about what happened the night on the mountain, and take the risk
of losing her forever.

As I try to talk
myself out of wanting her, I want her even more. My chest is aching for her—her
smile, her laugh, her touch—and then it hits me. I know what I have to do.
Flinging the covers back, I climb out of bed and throw on a pair of jeans and a
sweatshirt.

❧

As I’m walking up
her apartments steps, I turn around and head back down a few times before
finally making it to the top. When I was laying in bed, showing up and
surprising her to tell her how I really feel about her seemed like a good idea,
but now, I’m not so sure.

Forcing myself to
just do it, I raise my hand, knock on her door and wait. It seems like minutes
pass with no sounds from the inside, so I knock again. Another minute or so
passes and I hear some shuffling behind the door and then a panicked voice
curses on the other side of it. When the door opens, I see Holly standing there
in a long t-shirt, her hair a mess and she’s staring at me with a confused
expression. I can’t help thinking how beautiful she looks, though.

“Carter?”

“Hey.” I smile.
“You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here, huh?”

“Um, yeah. What
time is it?” she asks.

“I don’t know,
probably six or so.”

Her eyebrows knit,
looking more confused than ever. “Um, okay...”

“Can I come in?” I
ask her after a long minute of just standing there.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,
come in.” She opens the door wider and I walk through.

“Are one of those
for me?” she asks, eyeing the three cups of coffee sitting in the holder I have
in my hand, looking like she needs it in order to fully wake up. I figured if I
was going to show up before sun rises, the least I could do was bring coffee
with me.

“Yeah,” I say,
taking one and handing it to her.

She takes a quick
sip and then looks back over at me. “What are you doing here? Actually,” she
holds up her hand stopping me, “hold that thought, I’m going to get dressed.”

“Holly, what’s
going on? Who was—oh, hi, Carter. Carter!?” Jenna squints her sleepy eyes at
me. “What the hell are you doing here so early? It’s not even light out yet.”

“I came to see
Holly.”

She sighs and
shakes her head at me. “If I didn’t love that girl so much and want her to be
happy, I’d kick you right in the balls for showing up here this early,” Jenna
says, dragging herself out of her bedroom and glaring at me.

“I brought some
coffee for you, too.” I hold out a cup of coffee for her to take. “For some
reason, I had you pegged for a morning person,” I say, smiling. Out of the
corner of my eye, I see Holly folding in her lips, trying not to smile.

“Sorry, Jenna. We
didn’t mean to wake you. Just go back to bed,” Holly says.

“Yeah, like that’s
gonna happen.” Jenna glowers at us, takes the coffee from my outstretched hand,
and heads back down the hall.

“Will you let me
take you somewhere?” I ask Holly before I lose my nerve.

“Now?” She looks at
me, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I want to
talk to you... about the other day at the library and some other stuff. I
picked up the phone to call you probably a hundred times, but I just decided to
get in my car and drive over here.”

“O—kay,” she draws
out the word. “Let me go get dressed.”

My eyes follow her
down the hall and I call out to her before she disappears into her bedroom.
“Oh, Holly.”

“Yeah?” She turns
around to face me.

“Dress warm.”

A small smile tugs
at her lips before she closes the door.

❧

When we pull up to
the lake, I hop out and meet Holly at the front of my car.

“Aren’t we right by
your house?” she asks, looking around.

“Yeah, a couple
miles. When I go out for runs, I usually end up here. It’s peaceful here, isn’t
it?”

“Yeah, it is,” she
says, looking around and then turning to smile at me.

“C’mon, I’ll show
you my favorite spot.”

Taking her hand in
mine, and not thinking twice about it, I lead her down the hill until we come
to a picnic table on the edge of the lake. I hop on top of it and take a seat,
patting the space beside me. She smiles at me again, but I can see that she’s
wondering what the hell we’re doing here.

“Gosh, it’s amazing
out here,” she says, looking out across the lake and up towards the mountains
in front of us. The sun has just risen and is casting an orange glow on the
peaks in front of us.

“Yeah, it is. Ever
since I was a kid, this has been my favorite spot. I used to come here with my
dad and older brother. We’d fish all day and only come home when the sun had
gone down and we couldn’t see our lines anymore.”

She glances over at
me with a pained expression, like she’s staring right into my soul,
understanding the pain I’m feeling. However, I know she can’t know what pain
comes with talking about my dad and brother because I’ve never told her. It’s
taken me so long to finally figure it out, but I know now that I want to tell
her, I want to tell her the truth about everything. I want to tell her how I
feel about her. I want to tell her about the night of the accident and explain
to her that I did everything I could to save Adam. I want to tell her I’m sorry
that she ever had to feel the loss of someone.

“Carter, I’ve been
doing a lot of thinking,” she says, staring out at the lake, avoiding meeting
my eyes. “What happened the other night—the kiss—I think it was a mistake. I
miss what we had, I like us being friends. I like hanging out with you. I like
talking to you on the phone. I miss it. The past couple of weeks have been
miserable and I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I want to go back to the
way it was... I want us to go back to being friends.”