Fall From Love (6 page)

“Well, when he told
me about the barbeque, I asked if Carter was going to be here. I told him that
I was going to invite you and I wasn’t sure you were ready to see Carter again
so soon. Really, I didn’t think it mattered anyway because I didn’t think you
would actually come.”

“Don’t worry about
it,” I tell her. “It’s not like it’s a big deal. I just couldn’t help but see
the shock on his face when he saw me, is all.”

“Well, he knows how
important you are to me and he also knows what you’ve been through. I don’t think
it was shock as much as it was the fact that he was glad to finally meet you.”
She smiles. “Now, let’s get out of this stuffy garage and go have some fun.”
She takes my free hand and begins to pull me out the door.

We have only been
here for an hour, but I already find myself wanting to go home. I’m not trying
to be a downer; however, the only reason I keep smiling and pretending to have
a good time is for Jenna’s benefit. Everyone is really nice, especially Josh,
and it’s easy to see that the two of them make a great couple.

“Shit,” Jenna says
under her breath, interrupting the conversation she’s having with a guy named
Paul.

I glance over at
her, wondering what has made her say that. My eyes follow her gaze to the guy
who just walked outside. Although I don’t express her same words out loud, I’m
definitely thinking them. Carter is here, standing just a few feet from me. My
eyes follow his every step as he makes his way around the crowd, shaking a few
peoples’ hands, and then his eyes find mine. I close my eyes and my mind
immediately goes back to that night.

After the phone
call, the one where the voice on the other end told me to get to St. Anthony’s
hospital as soon as possible, I sat on the bed, unable to move. Blood pounded
in my ears and the words “there’s been an accident,” played on repeat in my
head. There should have been an urge for me to rush out of his apartment... to
panic... to cry or to scream. Instead, I just sat back down on Adam’s bed and
stared around at his clothes, the pictures scattered on his dresser—most of
them containing pictures of the two of us—and then I glanced over to my right,
seeing the flower petals still scattered around the floor in his living room.

After trying to
call Jenna a few times and not getting an answer, I decided to go to the
hospital alone. I walked into the emergency room, still in a daze, not even
remembering the actual drive over there.

The moment I
walked in, the bright lights blinded me and the pungent smell of the hospital
caused my stomach to roll a few times. My eyes wandered around the large room,
where an older woman eyed me up and down, then leaned over and whispered
something into her husband’s ear. Soon, he began to stare at me as well. My
eyes drifted downward and that was the first time I realized what I was
wearing. My white tank top, pink pajama pants, and white fluffy slippers stared
back at me. There was an immediate reaction to run home and change, thinking
there was no way I could go talk to anyone looking like this.
No
, I told myself.
Adam... you need to find out
about Adam
.

I saw a small
group of guys huddled together near the doors leading into the operating rooms.
All of them were wearing the same grave faces and each of them had on a red
mountain rescue jacket. The same jacket that I had seen Adam wearing just a few
hours ago. My eyes scanned the group and not one of them noticed me until a
short guy in the back met my gaze. Jake or John, I think was his name. Adam had
brought me out to the mountain rescue headquarters once and I remembered
meeting him. He whispered something under his breath and then, slowly, every
guy in the group turned their heads to focus on me. It was at that moment I
knew that I couldn’t go home and change clothes, I couldn’t run away from what
I was about to hear, I couldn’t go anywhere because my legs were frozen and
couldn’t move; they actually felt like they were about to give out from beneath
me. The looks on their faces said it all and I felt like I had been punched in
the stomach with an iron fist, stealing all the air out of my lungs.

The tallest guy
in the group began to walk towards me. His sandy brown hair was disheveled and
I immediately saw the sadness in his eyes. I don’t think I blinked the entire
time it took him to get to me, which seemed like an eternity, but in reality,
was probably just a few seconds. His chocolate brown eyes never left mine, and
when he finally came within a few inches of me, he reached out and grabbed my
arms lightly. For some reason I flinched and took a step back, not wanting to
be touched. Not wanting what was about to come out of his mouth to be real. I
still held out hope that this was all just a horrible dream and, by him
touching me—feeling the warmth of his skin—it made the dream a reality.

“You’re Holly,
right?” he asked me, his face not able to hide the pain. I could only nod my
head. “My name is Carter. Will you come and sit with me?”

I nodded again,
still staring into his chocolate brown eyes that I could now see were outlined
in red, like he’d been crying. The front of his jacket was smeared with dirt
and it was ripped down the left side.

My chest felt
like it was being crushed and I fought to catch my breath.
Oh, God
, I thought to myself. I’m already freaking
out and he hasn’t even told me anything, yet. Somehow, I’m not even sure how, I
knew the moment I got the phone call that Adam was gone, or at least, I had
suspected it. Now, after seeing Carter’s face up close, I knew for sure.

“Holly.” Jenna’s
voice pulls me from my memory. When I open my eyes, I still see Carter standing
just a few feet from me, his chocolate brown eyes still holding mine. I have to
remind myself to breathe. Breaking the focus I have on him, I glance around and
see how everyone is staring right at me. I must have dazed out a lot longer
than I thought.

“Let’s go get
another beer,” Jenna says, standing up and blocking my view of Carter, breaking
the trance he holds on me. Everyone continues to stare as she grabs my hand,
pulls me around the fire pit, and towards the back door. I can’t ignore the way
she glares over at Josh before we disappear back into the house. She looks
pissed and I can’t help but feel horrible for what just happened.

We walk back down
the hall and, the moment we step in the garage, she turns to face me. “God,
Holly, I’m so sorry. Josh told me that he wasn’t going to be here tonight. He
said that Carter had made plans to go back to his parents’ house in Denver for
the weekend. Please don’t hate me.” Her face falls when she’s done talking and
I can’t help feeling worse with each passing second. She has no reason to
apologize. This is my problem. I
am the one who should be apologizing. I
just made a scene out there, embarrassing her in front of her boyfriend and new
friends.

“It’s fine, Jenna.”
I blink hard. “Carter lives here, right? He’s allowed to come home.”

“No, it’s not
fine.” She whirls around and jerks open the refrigerator. “I’m gonna kick
Josh’s ass for this. I specifically asked him if Carter was going to be here
tonight.”

“Jenna,” I say more
firmly, the guilt is rising up in my throat, causing it to feel thick. “I’m
fine. I know I can’t avoid him forever.” I try to keep my voice steady.
“Especially since my best friend is dating his best friend. I need to deal with
this. You shouldn’t be mad at Josh.”

She still looks
pissed as she turns back around and hands me a beer.

In the back of my
mind I know that, if it were possible to avoid him forever, I would. It may be
a chicken shit move, but it’s the truth.

“God, I’m sorry. I
haven’t even asked you; are you alright?”

I glance up at her.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I do think you should go apologize to Josh, though,” I
tell her and can’t help smiling at the reaction her face makes at my
suggestion.

“And why the hell
would I apologize to him?” She tilts her beer up and takes a long drink.

“Um, maybe because
you just gave him the most evil, crazy, psycho, stare down ever when you pulled
me inside the house. Seriously, you looked at him like you wanted to gut him or
something. It’s not his fault,” I tell her again. “It’s not anyone’s fault.
This is their house. If Carter wants to come home to his house, then he should
be able to.”

She lets out a long
sigh and her shoulders fall, releasing the built up tension she’s been holding.
“Damn, when you put it that way, you make me sound like a bitch.”

“Well, if the shoe
fits.” I grin at her, hoping to get a smile out of her.

She glowers at
first, but then a smirk appears on her face.

“We need to act
normal, remember?” I remind her. “I know that it’s going to take me a while,
but I’m really trying to get better. I’m trying...” my voice trails off and I
take in a deep breath, “I’m trying to move on.”

“Right. Normal.”
She nods her head. “Sorry, I forgot. I just saw that look on your face when you
saw him and, when you closed your eyes; I knew that you were going back to that
night.”

The last thing I
want to do is keep talking or reminiscing about that night. “Go apologize to
Josh,” I tell her again, giving her a pointed look and hoping to turn the focus
off myself.

She sighs and takes
another drink from her beer. “Guess you’re right.” She starts walking to the
doors, stops, and then turns back to me. “You coming?”

“Yeah, I’ll be
right behind you.” I muster everything I have inside me and give her a smile,
hoping she’ll believe it. The one thing I need right now is time alone, yet
Jenna won’t give it to me unless she thinks that I’m alright.

“Okay, I’ll see you
out there.”

When she’s gone, I
lean myself back up against the wall and take in a few deep breaths.

Chapter
Four

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be
lived forwards.

~ Søren Kierkegaard

I fucking knew
it.
This morning before class, Josh
said that he wanted to have a few people over for a barbeque tonight and wanted
to know if I was cool with it. I didn’t really think too much of it; none of
that is unusual. Overall, he’s a pretty cool roommate and he is always
courteous with things like that. What was weird and what made me suspicious was
the fact he wouldn’t quit asking me what my plans were, he wanted to know if I
was going to be around. It wasn’t until he told me that Jenna was coming and
she was inviting Holly that it all made sense.

Before I answered
him, I thought about it for a minute. I’ve been trying to get in touch with
Holly for months; however, her bodyguard of a best friend all but threatened to
kill me if I ever got close to her.

Josh and Jenna have
been dating for a few months now and she comes over to the house a few times a
week. She doesn’t talk to me much, but it really doesn’t bother or surprise me.
I’m used to the people who were close to Adam treating me that way. Sometimes
she spends the night, but she always wakes up really early to leave, like she’s
sneaking out or something.

Since there is only
a single, thin wall separating Josh’s bedroom from mine, and I didn’t want to
hear them enjoying themselves all night, I’d usually sleep on the couch in the
living room, or if it’s warm enough, on the couch in the garage. When I would
hear her car start up and I knew she was gone, I‘d head back up to my room.

So before I leave
for class, I lie, telling Josh that I won’t be around this weekend. I tell him
I’m going home to see my mom in Denver. I feel a little bad for lying to him,
but I know that if I said that I will be here, then
Holly
definitely
wouldn’t be.

Ever since that
night at the hospital when I told her about the accident, she avoids me like
I’m the fucking plague. Like the other night at Sterling’s, she practically had
a panic attack the moment she saw me. All I want to do is talk to her and make
sure she’s okay—to see if there’s anything I can do for her.

When I walk out
into the backyard and see her sitting next to Jenna, my stomach twists into
something horrible, making me feel like I’m going to be sick. I’m not sure why,
maybe it’s just nerves from thinking there’s a chance I’ll actually get to talk
to her this time.

Casually, I walk
around and greet a few people. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Josh
staring at me. It’s not until my eyes meet Holly’s, and her expression falls,
do I realize how much pain she’s still in. It kills me to know that just seeing
me does this to her; that I cause her so much pain. I’ll never forget the way
she looked at me in the hospital that night, the same way she’s looking at me
right now; it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. The image of her
standing in the hospital with that terrified look on her face is all I see when
I close my eyes at night. Well, that and maybe a few other images that I’d
rather forget.

Just like that
night at Sterling’s, Jenna drags her away from me. When they disappear inside
the house, Josh is at my side.