Fall Gently (Red Light: Silver Girls series) (12 page)

Roni ran her tongue over her back molars, needing a mint. "Prostitution is not something I want to do. I hate it. That's one of the reasons why I only signed up to give oral sex. But, I appreciate the job, and I do my best to make the customers happy."

"I imagine most of the ladies who end up at Red Light would prefer to do something else with their lives than get paid to have sex, but I also understand needing money." Tiff rubbed her belly. "I wouldn't want my daughter to work in the sex industry."

"You're having a girl?" asked Roni.

Tiff nodded. "That doesn't mean I don't understand why someone would sell sex or that I don't respect the hell out of women who have made a decent life for themselves in a profession that is looked down upon, even by the men who pay money to use you. There's also the whole aspect of working in the sex industry is illegal. That what I do is encouraging women to break the law. I haven't told the others because they'll be leaving soon. But, you, Ella, Shana, and Lynn will be the last bunch of ladies that work for Red Light. I'm closing the doors and going to concentrate on my family and running Silver Girls."

"Wow," she whispered, looking down at Tiff's baby bump. "I think you're doing the right thing. Your daughter will need you when she arrives, and you do so much for all of us, plus Silver Girls."

"Honey, you don't even know the half of it." Tiff laughed softly. "Have you met my husband?"

Roni smiled. Jeremy was pretty dominating and yet Tiff kept him jumping.

"There's a whole motorcycle club I call family and they're all a little like Jeremy." Tiff sighed happily. "Red Light served its purpose for many, many years. It's time to take a break."

God, what she wouldn't give not to have any worries and live a quiet, calm life. Her eyes burned. She wanted to go one day without stress. That's all she'd ever wanted.

"I took the job to hide away from a very bad man," whispered Roni. "Now Dawson tells me I'm free to leave without any worries that I'll have to go back to the life I ran from. I do want to go back to Seattle, but I've made so many mistakes. Most of all, I trusted the wrong man and it isn't the first time I've made that mistake. I'm afraid I'm doing it again, even though the circumstances feel differently to me."

"And, you don't think you can trust Dawson?"

"I know I can't," said Roni.

"Hm." Tiff tapped her foot. "Is it about trusting him or trusting yourself? You made a mistake in the past."

Roni groaned and curled her lip.

"Okay, a few mistakes." Tiff softened her voice. "You learned from those mistakes, right?"

Roni nodded.

"Honey, why do you think you'd make the same mistakes with Dawson? He's been here...what? Six weeks or eight weeks? He's put everything on hold to help you. That's a long time to wait around for a woman that doesn't trust him."

Roni folded her arms. Tiff made it sound as if she'd unfairly judged Dawson. She had no idea Dawson belonged to Sparrows.

"You want to like him, don't you?" asked Tiff.

She blinked to keep from crying. It was totally wrong to have the feelings inside of her she received when Dawson entered her life. Every time Dawson came close to her, she practically begged him to touch her. She longed for the nights he stayed with her, and she'd pretend to sleep so he'd touch her. It was the only time he willingly put his hand on her. She wanted his gentle touch.

She wanted someone to love her.

She wanted to close her eyes at night knowing no one would hurt her.

"There's no rush to quit." Tiff patted Roni's leg. "If you want to continue working until your contract is up, I'm fine with that. I can keep the ladies from asking questions and so far, Dawson has been great about coming and going with Jeremy escorting him into the building. But, if you want to pack your bags tonight and head out with Dawson, I'll have Marci come in right now and help you."

Roni blew out her breath. Was it that easy to make a life changing decision?

"I'd like a few days," she said with a catch in her throat.

"That'll be fine." Tiff one-arm hugged her. "Since the other ladies are working and I need to get out there and escort their customers out and bring in the next round of men, I guess I should tell you that Dawson is waiting downstairs to spend time with you. I can't have him up here when business is happening despite him paying for the four-hour block. Do you want to go down there and join him for a few hours before Silver Girls opens up later?"

"That's okay if I do?"

"Yes, and if you need me for any reason text me on the phone that Dawson gave you. He also has our number." Tiff held out her hand. "Now, help a pregnant lady up from the bed, and let's get you downstairs. Dawson's pacing, and if he's anything like Jeremy, he won't stay down there long before he comes looking for you."

"I need to get dressed." She hefted Tiff off the bed.

"Change into your clothes. I'll come pick you up in fifteen minutes with the next round of men." Tiff went to the door, turned around, and gazed at her intently. "You're a strong woman, Roni. Believe in yourself and you'll find out that you can trust others again. Not everyone is bad, and sometimes someone's actions in their past are done for good reasons and won't be repeated."

She held Tiff's advice close to her heart. Without a mother growing up throughout her teenage years, loving advice came far and few between to guide her through life. The last thing she remembered her mother telling her was to smile more often, and she'd make more friends.

Hurrying to get dressed, she promised herself she'd try taking Tiff and her mom's advice.

T
he downstairs of the Sterling Building was a far cry from the fantasy date Roni created for him the other night. Instead of shrimp on the pier and a concert until midnight, Dawson gazed around a room laden with red velvet curtains, half-naked pictures of women with meat on their bones in all the right places and draped over a couch or posed seductively against a bar. Because of the off-hours, the lights were dimmed, and the silence gave no hint of the seductive music that blared from the large floor speakers in the corner of the room when the business opened later, and women stripped to entertain men.

"Dawson?" called Roni.

He stood from the chair and walked to the back hallway. Roni stayed on the bottom step, searching for him.

He stepped into the hallway. "I'm here."

Dressed in a pair of jeans, a tight-fitting, long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of sneakers, Roni's eyes widened at the sight of him, and she smiled shyly.

That hesitant approval bridged the gap for him, and he stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms. His heart pounded, and he cupped the back of her neck, feeding his need to touch and assure her everything was okay.

"Hey, you," he murmured against her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of wintergreen.

"Tiff gave me permission to come down here," she said.

He pulled his head back without letting her go. "Are you okay with seeing me outside of Red Light?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It's only downstairs."

He gathered her hand and walked her into the main room of Silver Girls. Bypassing the tables, he stood her in front of the large floor-to-ceiling glass windows. The view of Cedar Street in front of them, he continued to hold her hand.

"You can look outside at a different view than from your room, and those on the sidewalk can't see us because of the privacy film placed on the glass." He pointed up the street. "See that brick building at the end of the block?"

"The doctor's office?"

"Yeah." He dropped his arm to his side. "I'm staying above the office at the hotel."

She looked up at him. "You mean when you're not staying with me."

He chuckled. "Your bed is more comfortable than the one at the hotel, and so far, you don't snore."

She shook her head in amusement. "You do."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "It doesn't bother me."

"That's good to know." He led her to the table behind her so she could continue to look outside. "I hope Tiff let you know I paid for tonight, so you're not losing any money."

"About that..." She sat down and leaned against the table. "I don't want you paying for my whole evening again."

"I'm not sure I can give you my word it won't happen again." He sprawled his hands on the table. "You mean a lot to me, and I don't even think it's about knowing you hate having to do your job that bothers me and makes me want to stop the other men from seeing you. I tried to separate what you do here to how I feel about you, and knowing those guys are getting what I want..."

"You want a blowjob?" Her voice cut through him.

He ground his teeth together. "No, I don't...I want you not to give the customers one."

She sat back and looked away. "Fair enough."

"What's that mean?"

She shrugged and continued to gaze around the room not meeting his eyes. He tapped his thumb against the table. He'd barely opened his mouth, and she'd shut him out. She couldn't be blind to how he felt about her. He stayed in her damn room.

"You're like the hero in every movie, spreading your good around." She moistened her lips and gazed at him. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it matters what you think," he said. There was nothing good about him. He had a long list of crimes behind him, failed relationships, consequences of his actions that ended in death. Every fucking day he tried to keep his head above water and not drown in the life that continually pushed him under the surface.

He wanted to do one good thing for his sister and prove to himself that all the pain, the sacrifices, the fuck-ups weren't a total loss. He'd been too late to save Jacqueline, but he'd try his damnedest to save Roni.

"I'm twenty-six years old, and I've never had a lover. I've never fallen in love. I've never had one man I could fully trust not to hurt me." She crossed her arms and cupped her elbows. "All the sex I've had was either forced on me, or I laid there indifferently to the feelings and emotions."

"Sweetheart—"

"Despite all that, Dawson, I'm not dead or emotionless." Her voice cracked. "Around you, I feel things that make me wonder what it feels like to fall in love and wake up in a man's arms and be wanted for more than a man's sexual relief. There are times I want to roll over in bed and put my hand on you instead of lying there pretending I’m asleep so you'll keep your hand on the back of my neck."

"Roni, I know—"

"You've turned me down before. You stop yourself at every turn. I'm not exactly sure what to do with all that." She inhaled swiftly. "That night I tried to please you, and you removed my hand and told me no. It hurt worse than being hit in the face, because it wasn't sex you rejected, it was me. I was able to see myself through your eyes, and I'm not pretty. What I do is ugly and dirty."

"You're beautiful," he said.

Her eyes softened, and she gave a sad shake of her head. "I'm not talking about my physical looks. I'm a sex worker, a childhood survivor of sexual abuse by a stepfather, and recently I was the whore to a man who inadvertently killed your sister by putting her on the street corner. And, yet, I'm a woman who feels and having you here trying to help me confuses me. I'm not strong enough to look at what is happening between us and not end up falling helplessly in love with you because you do everything right, and I've never had someone in my life who seemed to care. I don't know what to do with everything that comes with you."

Dawson stood, unable to listen to what he'd done to her. She had no fucking clue how hard it was to tell her no, and he'd like nothing more than to prove how much she turned him on right now by taking her on the table. But, when it was over, she'd view him like every other man who had taken advantage of her, and he was determined to show her he was different.

He couldn't take what she confessed and abuse her feelings.

He wasn't the kind of guy who planned for the future. He raked his hands through his hair and stepped over to the window.

He cared about her.

He wanted her.

But, how much of his attraction was based on his responsibility for her and their circumstances?

If any other woman who looked and acted like Roni let him know she was his for the taking, he'd never question himself. Roni declared he'd be the first man she had feelings for if he wanted to step up and take a place in her life.

His reluctance had nothing to do with her past.

He was afraid of disappointing her.

Once she learned everything about him, she'd change her mind. Then, she'd add his name to the list of men who fucked her over.

"Say something, please," she whispered.

He turned around. Her vulnerable state tonight sat on his shoulders and weighed him down. So fucking brave, she'd laid everything out in front of her.

"You're wrong about yourself." He returned to the table, sat down, and offered his hands, palms up, on the table.

She put her hands in his. He swallowed his regrets.

"Any man would be lucky to have you in his life. You have everything to give. A first date." He inhaled deeply, remembering what she'd planned if she had money in her pocket and a free day to enjoy with him. "Other women fall in love every year and make love to every boyfriend they believe will be her last, and you're sitting here eager to experience your first. You're a better woman than I had ever hoped for, but..."

She frowned. "But?"

He brought her hands up and kissed her knuckles, hating himself. He'd sworn to protect Roni, and he wouldn't fail.

"You will find that special person who will love you and give you everything you've been afraid to dream." His voice grew hoarse, and his gut tightened making it hard to breathe. "He'll be someone who won't disappoint you."

She tugged on her hands. "I see."

"No, you don't." He shook his head in frustration and to calm himself down over thinking about another man stepping into her life and being the kind of person he could never be for her. "I would love that person you want to have all those firsts with to be me, but every time you look at me, you'll think of your past and Jacqueline. And, no matter how hard you try, you'll remember what brought us together, and it'll be a wall that you can't tear down. I'm a felon, sweetheart. I won't have a cushy job in an office, but a dirty job working under the table or if I'm lucky I'll be turning a wrench and scrubbing grease. I'm living off money from Sparrows right now, trying to put my life back together. I have nothing to offer you, except a way out of the Network, a roof over your head in Seattle, and a new start. I want to give that to you."