Falling for Mr. Wrong (18 page)

JennaGirl: How are you? How are the kids?

RossB: We’re fine. How about you?

JennaGirl: Good. Job is finishing up early. Should be home in a week.

RossB: That’s great! I’ll let you tell the kids. They’ll be thrilled.

A pause, then:

JennaGirl: Who’s this Kelsey person I keep hearing about? :)

Ross considered throwing the laptop across the room. He forced himself to write back calmly.

RossB: She was the babysitter that first week, remember?

JennaGirl: I know. I just didn’t realize her duties extended to an overnight camping trip. :)

He gritted his teeth. Didn’t anyone think a camping trip could be simply a camping trip? And did she really have to include little smiley faces at the end of all of her sentences?

When he didn’t respond, another Jenna bubble appeared.

JennaGirl: I’m not weirded out or anything. I think it would be great for you to date someone.

RossB: We aren’t dating.

JennaGirl: Well, a little “not dating” would be good for you too. :)

He shuddered. Being friends with your ex-wife was a good thing. Taking romantic advice from her was not.

RossB: It’s not a good time. The kids are still adjusting to the new house and I’m trying to get the business off the ground.

JennaGirl: It will never be a good time
.

He didn’t respond, and a second later, the phone next to him buzzed. He answered with a sigh. “You know how expensive this is, right?”

“Do you like her?” Jenna’s voice shot back.

After ten years of marriage, it was hard to hide anything from Jenna. “She’s all wrong,” he said, instead of answering the question. “She’s into climbing and mountaineering and she’s always traveling. It wouldn’t work out.”

“But how do you feel about her?”

“Who are you, my shrink? It doesn’t matter how I feel. In a week she’s going to climb some mountain in Nepal and very well might die.” Just uttering the words left him feeling faint, and he had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I’m not going to expose the kids to that.”

“Jesus, really?” Jenna’s voice was suddenly hushed. “That’s intense. Don’t they have ropes and harnesses and things?”

“Yeah, and storms and avalanches and crevasses, too.”

“Well, that is scary,” she said. “But what exactly does that have to do with you going out with her?”

“Jenna, have you heard a word I’ve said?”

“Ross, stop that,” she snapped. “I happen to be fairly well acquainted with your sense of honor, okay? I know how you work. You get something in your head, like you’re protecting the kids, or protecting me, and that’s it. You’re black and white. But life doesn’t work that way. Love
shouldn’t
work that way. Love isn’t about what makes sense, it’s about how you feel.”

This was starting to sound far too much like some of their conversations back when she’d filed for divorce, and he didn’t like it. “Can we change the subject, please?”

A note of wonder entered her voice. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

He couldn’t say anything because it had suddenly become clear to him that he did love her. And every one of his carefully constructed arguments for staying away from her had begun to sound like utter and complete nonsense.

“Oh my dear friend, you are.” He could practically hear her shaking her head in wonder. “And you’re going to let her go without telling her, aren’t you? Because of some stupid rule you created in your head about what was good for the kids.”

“It’s for me, too,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure I can take it if she doesn’t come back.”

“So you’re scared.”

“Of course I’m scared. I’m terrified.” He found himself practically yelling into the phone, and had to force himself to take a deep breath. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“If you’re so terrified, what are you doing at home talking to me? Go after her, you idiot.”

“It’s not that simple. I tried to talk to her today and she wouldn’t listen.”

“It’s never simple,” she replied. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying.”

He fiddled with the computer in front of him, trying not to think about what was going to happen at the end of the week. Trying not to imagine Kelsey getting on a plane without him ever telling her the truth.

“We tried to love each other like that,” Jenna said. “We tried for a long time. But we were always better friends than we were lovers. I can’t pretend that I know what the real thing is like, but if you’ve got a chance for that kind of love then you owe it to both of us to go after it.”

He had to stop and think. Let the words sink it. Was that what she meant, all those years ago? That was why she’d ended their marriage? Because she believed this kind of love was out there? This feeling that he had for Kelsey? This incredible, driving need?

“How did you know?” he asked, dumbfounded by the sudden moment of clarity. “How did you know it was out there?”

“I didn’t,” she said. “I hoped.”

He had to stop and breathe, remembering the moment when she’d handed him the ring and he’d stood there stunned, not understanding why she could possibly be ripping apart the very fabric of their life. “I never understood.”

She didn’t respond right away. When she did, her voice had the throaty catch that he knew meant she’d been crying. “I know. I never knew if it was worth it. But I believed there was more, for both of us. And now you can make it all worthwhile.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “Make it worthwhile, Ross. Go after her.”

Chapter Nineteen

When he got to her house it was dark. He knocked on the front door and could see a shadow moving inside. The porch light turned on, and then she appeared at the door, biting her lip and glancing nervously over her shoulder when she saw who was there.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“I need to talk to you.” Before he could say anything more she had stepped back, eyes shuttered.

“It’s not a good time.”

“It’s never a good time,” he said, hearing Jenna’s voice in his head.

“My dad is here. Artisan asked us to send over some old family pictures for an article they’re putting together.”

That set him back a moment. An article celebrating their accomplishment, or remembering them after their death? He pushed the thought out of his mind. “Then I’ll tell him, too.”

“Tell me what?” Mick had appeared in the doorway, nostrils flaring with hostility. “Good-bye? Sounds great. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Ross tried to manufacture a tiny bit of sympathy for the man who had lost his wife in a tragic accident, but all it took was one look at Kelsey’s stricken face for that to fall away. “No. Not good-bye. At least, not yet.”

Kelsey turned to her father. “Can you give us a minute?”

Mick did not seem inclined to move. She cleared her throat. “Dad, I’m not kidding. Give us a second alone.” When he still did not step away, she stepped out of the house and onto the front porch and shut the door behind her. Then she turned to Ross. “What did you want to say?”

In the car, on the way over, he had thought about all the various ways he could say it. Some were poetic. Some were straightforward. Some used fancy words. But in the end, all he could do was blurt out the truth.

“I’m in love with you, Kelsey. I don’t want you to go because I love you and I need you. I want to tell the kids that I’m crazy about you. I want to go camping with you and sleep in the same tent. I want to kiss you in front of the world.”

She blinked.

Took a step back.

“No, you don’t.”

He frowned. “I really do, actually. I’m not the sort of guy to mix up his emotions. If I’m telling you that I’m in love, I’m in love.”

“You made that vow, remember? I’m not Donna Reed. I can’t cook. I like to climb on things and run up mountains and sometimes I fall down and hurt myself.”

“I am well aware of that,” he said gravely. “I’ve changed my mind about the vow. It wasn’t well thought out.”

“I’m going to Nepal. I’m going to climb Annapurna.”

He paused. “See, that’s where I was hoping I might be able to persuade you differently. Because of the whole love thing. That changes everything, doesn’t it? You don’t want to go, and I don’t want you to go. Doesn’t that help?”

She shook her head, and even in the dim porch light he could see that her shoulders were shaking. “Don’t ask me to stay. Don’t tell me you love me.”

“Too late,” he said. “I already did.” He tried to smile, though he knew it was a lousy attempt. “And in case you’re wondering, I’ll love you no matter what you do. So you pretty much win either way.”

“Ross, I… I…” Her voice was shaking so badly she couldn’t put words together. He didn’t know why. Did she feel the same way about him? Did she not? He’d never felt so helpless in his entire life.

“Kelsey?” The voice came from the other side of the door. Ross clenched a fist.

Kelsey must have caught the gesture because she touched his arm. “Please don’t.”

“Let me talk to him,” Ross said. “He’s a father. He must realize what he’s doing to you.”

“I need time,” she said. “I can’t do this right now.”

He felt like an ass then, because he saw she was crying. Great big fat tears rolled down her cheeks and slipped off her jaw. She brushed them off with the back of her hand.

“I love you,” he said again, because it was the only thing he knew how to say anymore.

She nodded and fled back into the house.

…

Kelsey shut the door behind her, shoulders shaking with repressed tears. Every emotion lay just inches below the surface, sobs pushing against her throat, the devastating certainty that she’d sent away the only man she would ever love roiling in her gut.

Her father stood a few feet away from the door, the leathery skin around his mouth pursed in a deep frown she knew was supposed to appear sympathetic, but really belied his underlying disgust. “I guess that guy ended up being a jerk, huh? Too bad. You sent him on his way, I assume?”

She examined him slowly, from the wire-sharp muscles of his biceps to the deep tan on his forearms. She noticed the long fissures of wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and wondered when he’d started to look so old.

Her father had been her constant companion ever since her mother died. They’d stood together, emotionless and stunned, at her funeral. He’d taken her on long vacations from school so they could climb Denali and Mount Hood, working their way up to the bigger peaks in Europe and South America. Yet despite their proximity, she was suddenly struck by the realization that they’d never really talked.

“He’s not a jerk.”

Could she undo years of silence? Fix it with a single shot, like an explosion at the heart of a dam? What if she broke the barrier, and found there was nothing on the other side?

Mick shook his head. “We’ve been down this road before. You know you can’t get involved with anyone. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

Kelsey stared, wondering how it was possible she’d never heard the desperation in his voice before, or seen how vulnerable he was under all his bluster. “Dad, why do you want to climb Annapurna?”

“That’s a silly question,” he said, backing away a few inches in surprise. “Because it’s Annapurna. It’s an incredible peak. Because we’re climbers and that’s what we do.”

“Not because of Mom?”

He looked away. “No,” he said. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Kelsey paused, trying to sort out the jumble of emotions lurching inside her. “How come you’ve never asked me that question?”

He wrinkled his forehead, confused. “What are you talking about? Why haven’t I asked you why you want to climb Annapurna? Is this something that man put you up to? Or your friend Marie?”

“This isn’t about them,” she said. “It’s about you. And me.”

“Fine.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, looking for all the world like a petulant teenager. “You want me to ask you? I’ll ask you. Why do you want to climb Annapurna?”

“I don’t,” she replied simply. The relief of saying it was so overwhelming, she actually felt light-headed, her head swimming with the weight that had been released.

“What are you talking about? Of course you do. We’ve been planning this forever.”

“You’ve been planning this,” she corrected. “You and Mom were planning this, and then she died, and you kept planning. But I didn’t want it. I never wanted it.”

“It’s a little late to mention that now, don’t you think?”

Instead of answering, she crossed over to the pile of photographs that they had been sorting through on the floor. She bent over and picked up one of her mother and father, laughing at their wedding. It had been a simple affair, with only the two of them, a small circle of friends, and a lay pastor they’d brought in to conduct the ceremony. Her mother wore a circle of flowers in her hair. Her father wore a pair of black pants and a white shirt. He was laughing. Kelsey couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him laugh like that.

“We never talk about her,” Kelsey said.

“No,” he said, unable to take his eyes away from the photo.

“I still miss her.”

He took the picture from her hands and traced the edge of it with one finger. He opened his mouth briefly, as if he might say something, but then closed it. His eyes were dark and bleak.

“Dad,” Kelsey asked, her voice strangely clear, “what will happen if I don’t go with you to Annapurna?”

He jerked up to look at her, and she saw the fear in his eyes. “What do you mean? You have to go, Kelsey. Everyone is counting on you.”

“You don’t know, do you? You’re scared. Scared that you might kill yourself.”

He clutched the picture more tightly in his hand.

“I mean, not just do something risky, or try to summit when the conditions are bad. I mean really kill yourself. Jump into a crevasse. Step off the edge of a cliff. That’s what you’re scared of, isn’t it? You can’t trust yourself. That’s why you bring me along.”

She expected the revelation to bring fresh pain, but it did not. She had been dancing around it for too long, knowing the truth but not wanting to admit it. Finding every way she could to shield him from his fears. Being there so he didn’t have to face it. And in doing so, she had enabled that fear, maybe even perpetuated it.

His hard, wrinkled face began to crumple. “I miss her, too, Kelsey. I miss her every day. When I’m on the mountain I feel closer to her. It’s almost like she’s there with me.”

The weight of their shared loss suddenly became fresh, and Kelsey staggered under it. “I know you loved her, Dad, but it’s been sixteen years. You’ve got to find a way to move on.”

“You make it sound so easy,” he said. “You have no idea what it’s like.”

“I lost my mother,” she replied. “And then I lost my father, too. I guess I know a little something about it.”

He sank down to the floor and brushed his hands over the pictures. “She was incredibly brave. And so smart. Much smarter than me. You’re so much like her, you know. She would have been incredibly proud of you.”

“But I’m not her.” Kelsey had to swallow hard and force herself to say the words. “And I’m not going to risk killing myself just so you can keep chasing your fantasy of her. I’ve organized my whole life around protecting you, Dad, and I’m done with it. I just had a man look me in the eye and tell me he loved me and I’m not going to walk away from him so you can pretend she’s still alive.”

Mick picked up another picture, this one of Kelsey when she was a newborn, a tiny tuft of hair on top of her head, her mother carrying her on her chest, supported by a long piece of cloth that she had wrapped around her back and shoulders.

Kelsey sat down beside him and took the picture from his hands. Her father had taken that picture, and so many others. Kelsey as a baby, gumming a piton. Kelsey at age four, a rope tied in a harness around her chest as they hiked up a steep trail. Kelsey, the adolescent, all knobby knees and elbows, long brown hair neatly braided, grinning at the top of a rock.

She had been loved. It hadn’t been a traditional childhood, but it had been full of love and laughter. And then her mother died, and everything changed. No more pictures. No more grinning on top of tall rock faces. Just solemn expeditions. Summits. Always preparing for the next climb. “All I know is that I’ve been alone ever since she died, and I’m tired of it.”

Mick held out his hands in a gesture of helplessness. “I thought you loved it. I thought you were happy.”

“You never asked.”

“I’m sorry.” The words were a whisper, so quiet Kelsey almost didn’t believe she’d heard them. But they
were
real.

“It isn’t only your fault,” she admitted, thinking of Marie and all the times her friend had told her to say something to her father. Of all the times she had wanted to stay home for the weekend so she could go to a school dance, but went climbing with her dad instead. Of all the dates she’d canceled so she could get in one more training run. Of the resentment that had built up for years. “I should have said something a long time ago.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “So what do we do now?”

Kelsey squeezed his shoulder gently. “I’m going to hope that I haven’t lost my chance at something special. You’ve got to decide if you want to keep living.”

Tears coursed down his cheeks as he picked up the wedding picture again. “Oh, Kelsey.” He blew out a long, slow breath. “I wish it were that easy.”

“I didn’t say it was easy,” she said. “I guess at one time I would have thought it was easy, but now that I’ve met Ross,” she paused, shuddering at the barest thought of losing him, “I might understand, just a little.”

“We always knew one of us might die,” he said. “It was part of what we did. We understood the risks. After you were born things changed. We both became more cautious. I worried about her, and you. We had promised each other when we first got married that we would keep climbing and doing what we loved. But I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to go back, not try to summit. I wanted her to be with you.”

The revelation was piercing. Kelsey’s heart clenched. “Dad, I never knew. I just thought…”

He gave a wry smile. “You thought I didn’t care. But I did. I still do. And I still believe that you have to commit to it, Kelsey, one hundred percent, if you’re going to do it.”

More tears coursed down her cheek. “I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I hope you can forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive.” He looked from her back to the picture in his hands. “You know, she always told me that having a child was like having a piece of forever, right there in front of you. It’s like looking at the summit fresh, every morning.”

Kelsey wiped her eyes. “That’s really beautiful.”

“I had forgotten she used to say that.” His voice trembled. “I’m glad you reminded me.”

…

Mick stumbled out of the house a few minutes later. Kelsey stood in the hall and watched him get into his car and drive away. She wasn’t sure if she had done something good or terrible, and she feared it was a little bit of each. Sobs were growing deep in her chest, but she held them back, not knowing if she could survive the storm of them on her own. She halfheartedly considered calling Marie, but wasn’t ready to face her friend after their fight earlier that day. She knew everything that Marie had said was true, but that didn’t mean she liked admitting it.

“Are you okay?”

The deep voice startled her and she jumped. Ross had been sitting in one of the old plastic chairs at the far end of the porch, buried in shadows. He rose and came into view, the shadows making him seem even taller, his chest even broader.