Falling for You (10 page)

He’d included a link. I clicked through to one of my favorite Foo Fighters songs, “Best of You.” It’s a song that makes you want to stand up and fight, no matter how much pain you might be in. I was glad Nathan had found it. I’d often listen to it when I was feeling down, to remind myself that maybe
I couldn’t control everything that happened around me, but I could control how I reacted. Maybe it’d help Nathan like it helped me.

After that I did some homework, wrote a new poem, and read the book Leo had given me. Around ten I started getting ready for bed.

I’d just gotten back from the bathroom, my face clean and my teeth brushed, when Mom came barging into my room.

“Where is he?” she yelled. “Where’s Dean?”

“How should I know? I’m not his keeper, Mom. I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”

She paced my room, still wearing her blue Rite Aid smock.

“Something’s going on. I can feel it. He keeps disappearing and not telling me where he’s going.”

I sat down on my bed. “You know he took most of my paycheck yesterday?”

She stopped. “It’s because we need it, Rae. We’re hurting something fierce.”

“But what if he’s just drinking it away?”

My mom looked so old. Like years of stress and unhappiness were pulling on her skin. She wasn’t even forty yet, but you’d never know it. She stood there, panicked over a man who’d done nothing but treat both of us badly. And yet, to her, it was better than being alone.

“He’s not drinking it away,” she spit out. “He wouldn’t do that. He knows we need the money to pay bills.”

“So what, then?” I asked. “Where do you think he is?”

Her bottom lip started to tremble. Was she going to cry? My mom didn’t cry much. She was usually so tough and matter-of-fact about everything. I hated how nothing seemed to matter to her. Except him. Always him.

She quietly said, “I’m worried he might be seeing someone else.”

I wanted to say,
Good riddance
. But she looked so incredibly sad, I didn’t say anything. I walked over and gave her a hug. She rested her head on my shoulder. “Mom,” I whispered. “I’m sure it’s not that. He’s just stressed. He’s probably out with friends trying to forget about it. It’s hard being unemployed, you know?”

Mother-of-pearl, has an alien taken over my body?
But I felt her head nod a little bit, and I knew I’d said the right thing. It was what she needed to hear. I rubbed my hand in big circles around her back, like Grandma used to do when I was upset.

“I was thinking of Grandma today,” I told her. “Missing her.”

Mom sniffled and pulled away. “Me too. I miss her every day. She helped me be a better person. Rae, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. How is that possible?”

“So leave him, Mom,” I said. “You have a job. I have a job. We don’t have to stay here if he makes you that miserable.”

I hadn’t even gotten all the words out when Mom’s expression changed. Before I turned around, I knew. Dean was home.

“Do I make you miserable, Joan?” he asked from the doorway. “Huh? Do I?” He walked in and grabbed her arm.

“No,” she said, trying to smile. “Rae was just joking around. You know how she can be.” She rubbed his hand. “I’m so glad you’re home. Come get a snack with me?”

I did my best to smooth things over. “She was worried about you. We didn’t know where you were.”

“I’m a big boy,” he quipped back. “I can take care of myself.”

Dean marched out, pulling her along with him.

“Good night, Mom,” I called out. Then I whispered, “When you’re ready to go, just say the word.”

poetry journal—november

THE UNWANTED GUEST

He visits when you least expect him.

You open the door and there he is.

He doesn’t wait for an invitation,

just barges in with his

greasy hair and bloodshot eyes,

smelling like a garbage dumpster.

If you aren’t home, he sneaks in

through the window and quietly waits

for the perfect moment

to JUMP out and scare you.

You try to get rid of him.

Threaten him.

Bribe him.

Feed him one day.

Starve him the next.

Offer him a drink.

Or five.

A hit.

A pill.

A razor.

Anything to get him to

leave

you

alone.

Sometimes he disappears for a while.

But he always comes back,

stronger than before.

You feel like you’ll never get rid of him.

So you finally deal with him, straight up.

You look him in the eye and tell him

he can’t hide there with you, forever.

You tell people about him.

Through words. Through music.

As much as possible, you share.

Because if there’s one thing that’ll

make him leave and go hide somewhere else,

it’s being exposed

for the whole world to see.

Be strong when you feel

like the strength is gone.

It takes work.

It takes time.

But Pain,

the unwanted guest,

doesn’t have to stay forever.

when it rains, it pours

“HEY, I DIDN’T SEE THIS ONE,” ALIX SAID, GRABBING A PURPLE AND black T-shirt off the rack.

I couldn’t believe my best friend. Most of the time she was content in jeans and T-shirts, helping her dad fix up cars. But we’d been shopping at the City Girl for over three hours. When she set down the monkey wrench and let out the girly girl, there was no stopping her.

I reached over and pried the hanger out of her hand and put it back on the rack. “We are done, Alix. Remember? That bag in your hand? It’s filled with two hundred dollars’ worth of stuff you already paid for.” I pulled her toward the door. “Come on. I need some caffeine or I’m going to fall over.”

“Isn’t it so fun, the whole shop till you drop thing? Let’s do it again tomorrow.” Yeah, she would think it’s fun. It’s fun when your adoring father hands you a wad of cash and says,
“Have a great time, sweetheart.” It’s not so fun when your wallet is emptier than a flower shop after Mother’s Day.

“Rae, are you sure you don’t want to go back and get something? Those jeans you tried on looked amazing, I’m telling you. It’s your day off! You need to live a little.”

“I am living, trust me. This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” I opened the door and pushed her out into the rainy evening.

“Hurry!” I yelled. We ran toward my truck, which was parked a few blocks down the street. Alix held her shopping bag above her head to shield her from the rain, but I had nothing. I felt like I needed to be squeezed out like a sponge by the time I climbed into the truck.

Alix slid in next to me, laughing hysterically. “Holy monsoon, that was insane.”

I reached into the glove box, pulled out some napkins, and squeezed the ends of my hair into them. Then I tilted the rearview down so I could see myself. Mascara streaked down my face, so I tried to wipe it away with one of the napkins.

Alix squeezed my forearm.

“What?” I said, still occupied with the napkins and wanting the use of my arm back.

“Rae. Look out your window,” she whispered.

I jumped. It was like something out of a horror movie. A guy stood a few feet away, with no coat or hat or umbrella, in the pouring rain, just staring at us.

The window was fogged. “Is that—?”

“Yes,” Alix said, her warm breath on my neck. “I’m pretty sure it’s your boyfriend.”

As I searched for the keys I’d tossed onto the seat, Nathan tapped on the window.

“Are you going to open it?” she asked.

“I don’t think I want to,” I said.

She pinched my elbow. “Rayanna Lynch, that’s your boyfriend out there and something’s obviously wrong with him. Open the flippin’ window!”

I did as she said. “What are you doing here?” I asked, more annoyed than sympathetic.

“I need to talk to you.”

I shook my head. “Nathan, I asked you to give me some space.” I put the keys in the ignition and started the truck.

“Can you call me later?” he asked. His hair was plastered to his head and rain dripped down his face, like he was crying a bucket of tears. “I need your advice about something. That’s all.”

Alex piped up before I had a chance to reply. “Of course she’ll call you. Do you need a ride somewhere?”

“Nah. I got my car.” I could feel his eyes on me, but I kept mine straight ahead.

Alix waved good-bye as I rolled up my window and pulled out into the street.

“He must have followed us, right?” I shivered.

She blasted the heat. “He probably heard us yesterday, when we were talking about shopping.” Then she said quietly, “You didn’t have to be so mean.”

“He was being creepy. Besides, how was I supposed to know that he wasn’t going to go ballistic on me again, like he did the other day?”

I shivered again just thinking about it.

The rain started to let up a bit and I turned the wipers down a notch. I gripped the steering wheel tight. “I told him I needed some space. I asked him to leave me alone for a while—which he refuses to do. He keeps sending me e-mails. And running into me in the hall, even though his class is nowhere near mine. And now this?” I pushed my damp bangs out of my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. Alix, what should I do?”

“Did you know Santiago and Nathan went out last night after Santiago got home from his away game?”

“No.”

“It was late, but Santiago told me Nathan had begged him to go. He said they went to the cemetery. Nathan had a six-pack in his car, and apparently started crying after he downed a few. He wouldn’t tell him why.”

I pulled into the parking lot behind Full Bloom and Mack’s. The rain had let up. It was just sprinkling now.

“It’s such a freaking mess,” I said after I turned off the truck. I rested my elbows on the steering wheel and put my head in my hands. “If I break up with him, I’m afraid he’ll go
off the deep end. If I stay with him, he’s going to suffocate me. And after his outburst the other day? I’m kind of afraid of him, to be honest.”

I turned and looked at Alix. Her eyeliner was smudged and her hair was super frizzy. I couldn’t help it. I started laughing.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“You’re such a sight,” I said.

“And what? You’re Miss America?” She reached over and stroked my wet, stringy hair.

“Think we should go in, looking like this?”

“Yes. If anyone deserves a hot drink, it’s us. Maybe the caffeine will clear your brain and help you figure out what to do.”

I could only hope.

Inside Mack’s, a few people sat in the comfy chairs, but it wasn’t very busy. We went to the counter, where Aaron, Leo’s brother, took our order.

“Got caught in the downpour, huh?” he asked.

I smoothed my hair and acted offended. “What!? Why would you say that?” I smiled. “Yeah. We practically swam here. Which is why we need some warm beverages. Can I have a green tea with jasmine please? What do you want, Alix?”

“I’d like a mocha. And give us two of those oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, please.” Before I could hand over any money, Alix thrust a twenty toward Aaron. She looked at me. “I got it. You were very patient while I worked hard at spending all of Dad’s money. It’s the least I can do.”

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and half hugged her.

Leo walked in through a back door carrying two pans of freshly baked cookies. “Oh, can we have the ones fresh from the oven?” Alix asked. “Please?” She pointed behind Aaron at Leo.

Aaron handed her the change. “Sure. Take a seat and I’ll bring everything out to you.”

After Leo set the pans down, he came to the counter. “Hey. You girls out for a stroll on this gorgeous day?”

“Yeah, you like our new hairdos?”

“Very nice.” He swept his bangs out of his eyes. “Though I’ve still got you beat.”

“Leo, this is my friend Alix. I don’t think you guys have met before.”

They shook hands and exchanged greetings. Leo was warm and charming, like always, and I wanted to talk to him some more. I asked him to join us, hoping Alix wouldn’t mind.

“Let me get these cookies off the pans,” he told us, “and then I’ll take a quick break.”

We sat at a table, and Leo joined us a minute later. When Aaron brought our order over, Alix said, “Ah, much better. Food, drink, and no drenched boyfriends sneaking up and giving us a heart attack.”

I glared at her, as Leo looked at her curiously. “Drenched boyfriends? Sounds kind of kinky.”

Alix laughed. “Well, I don’t think Rae’s that kind of girl. Though, what do I know? Are you, Rae?”

I wanted to crawl inside the coffee grinder and die. I tried to think of a way to quickly change the subject, but it seemed impossible.

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” Leo said. “And why was he sneaking up on you?”

“Long story,” I quickly said, before Alix had a chance to blurt out the whole ugly truth.

Alix blew on her mocha. “You’re gonna call him soon, right?” she asked. “Make sure Nathan’s okay? You’re acting like he’s some kind of a monster, and he’s not. He’s just a guy. A guy with some troubles at home.”

I instantly felt guilty. Troubles at home. Of all people, I should understand what that was like.

“Leo, I need your help, man,” Aaron called out.