Falling Into Grace (30 page)

Everyone has left the room at the funeral home to give me time. I kneel down in front of him and hold his hand. I start to think about what I could have done differently that day. I wish I had the flu, so he would have stayed home with me. I play all the different scenarios in my head, but none of them can change anything.

“I love you, baby. I always have and I always will.”

“Promise me you will always be around. I want to be able to feel you around me and the kids. We are going to need the little signs that you are still with us.” After I say the words, I feel warmth come over me. I know this is Chase and his way of telling me he is here with me right know.

“Oh, Chase, how am I going to do this? How am I going to live without you?” I sit and ask questions that I know will never be answered. I continue to talk to him anyway. “I need you still. Why did you have to leave me? You make me whole, Chase. Without you, I can’t do this. Please come back to me, please make me whole again.” The tears are leaving my eyes fast. I can feel the hot streams fall down my face.

“Baby, I need you.” I stand up and lean over his casket. I kiss him on the lips, but his lips feel different on mine.

“Stay with me, please.” I see a teardrop fall on his face and I wipe it off. I look around and see the pictures of the kids, and the pictures Hunter and Ella drew him. My heart is pounding, and I feel like I have no control. I have felt this way since Kevin told me he was gone. I have been ripped in half, and I will never be whole again. I feel the anger in me and remember the five stages of grieving. I feel the first four of them at once. I know I will never get to the fifth stage. I know I will never accept his death and move on. I cry on his chest and hug him. I restrain from crawling in with him.

“I love you, Chase,” I say to him. I give him my best smile and walk away.

It hits me hard when I walk out of the room. I walk past everyone who tries to touch me. I run out the doors and into the crisp air. I look around and realize the leaves have started to change colors. I walk over to the limo, and Kevin gets out and grabs me. I lose it. Everything I have been holding back comes out in the parking lot of the funeral home. I sob in his arms, and violently hit him. He just stands there letting me get it out, and holding me together. I go to a dark place that day. A place I never thought I would be able to get out of.

I hear a commotion and see men carrying Chase’s casket to the hearse. My husband is in there, and I realize he really is gone. It hurts my body so badly thinking this. Everything in me aches. Kevin leads me into the limo, and we follow the hearse to the church. As we pull up, I think about our wedding day. We stood at the doors of this church posing for pictures, smiling at each other, madly in love. I get angry again, and the tears leave my eyes at a faster pace. Kevin wipes the tears off my face.

“Hannah, are you sure you are up for this?” he asks me softly.

I just nod at him. I look in my bag and find the tearstained papers I tucked in earlier that morning.

We pull next to the hearse. When I get out, my dad takes my hand and escorts me inside. We walk to the front of the church, and he
sets me down in the first row. My anger subsides, but the hurt is still lingering in my soul. The church is filled with family, friends, and business associates. I never knew we knew this many people. I hear music start to play, and we all stand. I look down the aisle and see Richard, my Dad, Kevin, and Logan, Chase’s brother, carry Chase down the aisle. Tears start to leave my eyes again, but a calm washes over me. I feel settled all of a sudden. I know it’s Chase helping me through this. When they reach the front, they all look at me and I sit down. They move the casket on top of a table and come to sit next to me.

The priest holding the service is the one who married us. He gives me his condolences. I sit and listen to him talk, but absorb none of it. Then I hear my name. Kevin stands up to help me to the podium. I take a deep breath and feel the calm again. I take out my paper and begin to read from it. I stop midsentence and look up. I can feel Chase standing behind me, hugging me, and I breathe the first real breath since he left me. Tears fill my eyes, and I start talking from the heart.

“Chase is the love of my life. We stood on this altar seven years ago and exchanged vows to each other. I thought it would be appropriate to read a poem we had read at our wedding. It’s a poem dear to my heart called
How do I love thee?
” I begin to speak the beautiful words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning from memory. I make sure to take deep breaths so I won’t cry, but when I reach the last sentence, I crack and feel the tears on my cheeks.

“
If God choose, I shall love thee better after death
.” I stop and begin to weep. Then I have a moment of clarity. I feel Chase wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear. “
Don’t worry, baby. I’m OK, and you will be too. I will help you find your way.”
I look behind me to see if he is there, but the feeling is lost as fast as I feel it. I take one last deep breath and speak from the heart again.

“When Chase and I found out we were having twins, he said something to me that stuck in my head. He said God had bigger plans for us, and that God would only give us what we could handle. I think about his words now and wish I could see the bigger picture. Chase was an amazing man who let nothing bother him. He always made
time for his family and friends. We were the most important thing to him. He would say a job is just a job; they can come and go, but a family is forever. Without love and nurturing, it can never grow. He devoted his life to loving and nurturing our children, and I hope they will always remember that.”

I pause to hold the tears back. “I know he is here with us today and he is probably thinking we should celebrate his life, not mourn it.” I look out to everyone in the church. “May the memories of Chase never fade, may we always remember his laughter, and may he always bring a smile to your face when you think of him.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

June 2013

I
wake up in a cold sweat. I sit straight up in bed; my breathing is erratic. Becca is at my side, wide-eyed.

“Hannah, you’re still having the dreams?” Her voice is concerned.

I just nod my head and feel how dry my mouth is. I sit for a while trying to regulate my body, and it takes longer than normal. Becca hands me a cup of water, and I take it, drinking the entire cup. I look over at the clock, and it’s 2:38 a.m. I can feel the tears on my cheeks, and I begin to wipe them off. I feel stupid that Becca had to see this, but I’m happy it’s only her. She tries to calm me by rubbing my back, but I get out of bed and walk downstairs. Becca starts to follow me, but I shake my head at her. I walk straight to the cabinet and take two pills, washing them down with orange juice. I pace the kitchen and look at my cell, which I placed in my pocket before I slipped back in time. I see Grant has texted me.

Sweet dreams
.

I see he sent it about twenty minutes ago. Before I think about what I am doing, I call his number and hear his voice.

“Hannah, what are you still doing up?” His voice is tired, and I think for a moment he might be sleeping.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” I feel stupid for calling, but I needed to hear his voice.

“No, I’m just walking in the door from work. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just having trouble sleeping.” I feel myself start to relax, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the pills or because of Grant.

“Did you have a bad dream again?” I hear him say this and I freeze. How does he know about my dreams?

“Hannah, are you there?” I hear the concern in his voice.

“Yes,” is all I can whisper.

“Tell me about it.” I feel anxious and know I will never tell him what it was about.

“How do you know I have dreams?” I feel my words slow down; the pills are taking effect.

“When we were at the Cape, you were talking in your sleep. I comforted you, but I could tell it was some pretty heavy stuff because you were crying in your sleep.”

I want to crawl under a rock. I don’t remember dreaming that night when I was with him. I thought when I was with him, I was safe from the past.

“Hannah, it’s OK. It’s just me.” His words make tears leave my eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Grant, I didn’t realize I did that.” I feel mortification swell inside of me.

“Don’t apologize. You have a lot going on, babe. I was more than happy to hold you while you got through it. It didn’t last long, I swear.”

The tears are running down my cheeks. He held me through the dream and made sure I was OK.

“Drink some tea or warm milk and go back to bed. I promise you will sleep good tomorrow night.” I can hear him grinning. I suddenly don’t want to spend the night with him. What would happen if I wake up like this again? He doesn’t need to see all my baggage. I don’t need to put him through this.

“Sorry I called, Grant. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’m happy you called me. I was missing your voice.” His words are always what I need to hear.

“Good night.”

“Sweet dreams, Hannah. I hope you can get some sleep. Call me if you can’t, and I will stay up with you.” His voice is more urgent now. Like he wants to fix me.

“Don’t worry, Grant, I’ll sleep.”

“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” His voice is soft and deep as the words roll off his tongue.

“Me too. Good night.”

“Good night, Hannah.” I press End and feel my eyelids getting heavy. I make my way up the stairs. I get halfway up when my phone vibrates. Grant’s name flashes over the top.

If there is anything I can do or anything you need, please call me. I mean it, Hannah
.

I half smile at his message and reply back.

You already did. Thank you
.

I walk back into my room. Becca is lying there, still awake.

“You OK?”

“Yeah. I took the pills, so I should be fine for the rest of the night.” I roll over so my back is towards her.

“OK,” is all she can muster up, and I let go and fall asleep.

CHAPTER THIRTY

W
hen I wake up, my room is bright. I still feel like I could sleep longer. I look over at the clock and it’s past ten. I fly out of bed and into the kids’ rooms. Their beds are made, and they are nowhere in sight. I run down into the kitchen in a panic and see Becca at the kitchen table on her laptop. She looks up at me and smiles.

“I didn’t want to wake you. I got the kids to school. Do you want a cup of tea?”

I nod and walk over to the kettle. I’m happy to see it’s still hot. I grab a mug and tea bag and make myself a cup, then settle next to Becca at the table.

“So do you want to talk about it?” I can tell by her tone she is treading lightly.

I shake my head no.

“Well, your phone was going off, so I brought it down here. I think you have a few messages.” I look at her and grab my phone off the table. I see Grant’s name and open the messages. He sent three, at 7:15, at 8:37, and at 9:45 a.m.

I hope you slept well
.

Are you alive?

Please call me when you get this. I’m getting worried
.

I feel embarrassed and happy at the same time. He is concerned for me, and it makes me feel cherished, but I should have never called him last night. I look up at Becca; she is trying to read me.

“So what are we doing today?”

“She finally speaks.” A huge smile comes across her face.

“Ha-ha. What are the plans?”

“We need to try on the dresses, and then we have hair and makeup coming at four.”

“OK, I need to shower.” I look at her, but she doesn’t ask me anything else.

“Go take a bath and relax.”

I run the bath and add lavender oil to the water. I tie my hair back and slide in. I lie there for a while and decide to call Grant. On the second ring, a woman answers his phone, which surprises me.

“Grant Grace, how can I help you?” She sounds a bit short, and I know she knows who this is because of the caller ID. It must be his assistant, Wendy.

“Hello, is Grant available?” I ask nicely. I think about how she looked at us when we kissed and the jealousy that was in her eyes.

“Who is this speaking?” I roll my eyes.

“Hannah Winterfield.” I’m getting annoyed; she knows who this is.

“Mrs. Winterfield, I’m sorry. Grant is in a meeting and asked not to be disturbed. I can leave him a message.”

“That will be fine. And whom am I speaking with?” I ask her with an attitude.

“This is Wendy, his personal assistant. I will personally make sure he gets the message, Mrs. Winterfield.” She emphasizes the
Mrs
.

“Thank you, Wendy.” And I hang up. I feel pissy all of a sudden. Good thing I didn’t text him, because she would have read it. I turn on my iPod. I crave music to drown out everything in my head. I turn on my favorite mix and lie back in the tub, turn the jets on, and close my eyes.

I jump up when I hear my phone ring and realize I fell asleep.

“Hello,” I say, trying to hide the sleep in my voice.

“Hey, you, you had me worried.” His words make me feel bad.

“Grant, I’m sorry. I should have never called you last night; I never wanted you to worry about me.”

“Hannah, I’m happy you called me, and I worry about you because I care. And another thing; Wendy told me you made a big deal about having her interrupt my meeting. I gave her orders to get me when you called.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about. When I called you before, she answered and asked who it was. I told her it was me, and she said you were in a meeting and asked not to be disturbed. So I left a message.”
She is no good
, I think to myself.

“I heard a totally different story.” His voice is distant.

“Believe what you want, Grant.” I hang up the phone. I hold my breath and go under. I enjoy the calming effect of being underwater. I stay there as long as I can, then come up for air. I see my phone lit up and look at the missed call from Grant. I probably overreacted, but I don’t care. I hear my phone ring and see an unfamiliar number.