Falling Into You (35 page)

She g
rins wickedly at me. “Grapevine
. Now, really, what happened between the two of you?
You’re a mess, darling.
”

I
can’t
let her think
that
Chris did anything wrong. He had
done everything perfectly right
. I was the one who screwed
it all
up
.
“Chris and I are fine. Or we were fine. We are fine. He’s g
reat, actually.
Too good to me.”

“Oh, I doubt that.”

“Really,
Sophia
, he’s been great
.” My voice is shaking, faltering under t
he weight of having
to talk like a normal person while the inside of my head is screaming.

“
Really.” She’s dubious. “So great that you had to call in Ben, who’s probably the love of your life, to come clean up the mess?
”

She’s right about my calling Ben to clean up my mess. I need him. But as she says the other part, about him being the love of my life, I don’t feel the familiar grip in my stomach when
I hear his name or see his face, the little tug that goes right along with unrequited love for your very best friend in the entire world.

I feel need gnawing at me, need for my friend, the only person who was there, the only
person I can talk to right now. But the need is
untainted by the other feeling that’s resided in me for
almost five years
.
I love him
because he’s my best friend.
I love him because he’s always been there for me.

It’s nothing like the way I feel about Chris.

The certainty cuts through me like a knife.

I’m in love with
Chris
.

For real. No ands ifs or buts. The knowledge makes my knees buckle and I sit down on the bed.

“I actually think I’ve managed to get over
Ben
.
” The thought slips out before I have the chance to catch it. It surprises even me
to hear my voice saying the words aloud
.

“Really?”

I nod.

“Well,
I guess Chris w
as good for something
.”

“He’s wonderful. He’s the
most wonderful
pers
on I’ve ever met.”

“Oh,
Hallie
,” she says, patting my arm comfortingly. “Jensen claims another victim.”

I can’t help but think that she might be wrong. Her version of Chris
is so unlike the Chris I’ve come to know that I can’t help but to hold out some hope for us.
Maybe
I’ve ruined everything with him.
But maybe not.

Sophia’s watches my face carefully before she
backs into the doorway
.
“Ok, I’m off to the Bronx
to go dancing with Elle
,” she announces. “That’s
what I came in here to tell you
. I was going to see if you wanted to come, bu
t
seems
like you have other things on your mind.
Like Chris Jensen
.”
She’s smiling at me.

“
I’m just going to stay here, Sophia. I have to wait for Ben anyway.”

“Oh!” Her eyes light up. “I
f you’re officially over the infamous
Be
n,
I might have to see if his pictures do him justice or not.”

I manage a small smile at her.
“He has a girlfriend.”

She snorts. “We’ll see.” I shake my head at her and she raises her hands and gives me her best innocent look. “
I’m
probably going to stay
with Elle tonight and
just
get ready for Sam’s party
at her house
tomorrow
, if that’s okay with you
.
”

I nod. “
Sam said that you ow
e him another dance
, so you better drag your own ass and
Ben
’s over there. You can bask in the glow of a hundred people tripping all over themselves t
o get closer to your boyfriend, the movie star, and I can try the skills of a good old Midwestern boy.
”

Sophia
leaves with a wave and a smile, and I crumple back onto the bed and lose myself in the tangles of thoughts in my head.

***

It’s hours later, but no time at all has passed. When the bell ring
s
,
I rush to the door and Ben is
standing there
with a sad smile for me. I fly into his arms and he closes t
hem around me, stroking my hair
.
             

I manage
to get the memory out of me, in small spurts and long breaths and bits of anger.
Ben
doesn’t say much, but he holds my hand gently and lets me talk and not talk. It’s the same as it’s always been with him—
safe
.

I get past the worst of it, and he puts his face in his hands. “This is all my fault. Why didn’t we go to the police? My parents?
Your mom?
Why didn’t we tell someone?” His voice is angry and
loud
and he’s pacing across the room. I get up and wrap him into a hug.

“Because we were young and drunk and stupid
and I told you I didn’t want to
,” I say to him. “It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. Bad things happen. To everyone.
I wasn’t strong enough then to deal with any of it. I couldn’t even face it. I couldn’t remember.
M
y dad had just died, and my mom
was a mess and I was a mess and it would have been another thing on top of it
.
”

“Fuck,
Hallie
. He raped you.” He’s running his hand through his hair
ceaselessly and I move my hand to quiet him
.

“He did,” I say softly.

“How can you say it’s for the best?”

“
I don’t even know who he is. I can’t remember. I can’t even remember his goddamn face.
”
My voice is angrier now, and Ben raises his to match mine.

“They could have investigated, talked to people at the party
and figured it out
. I should have called
the police
the second I saw you there. Shit.
”

“Stop. Stop blaming yourself.”

He’s lost in thought. “I was so careful with you.
I never wanted you to have to…
Now, all of this…”
He catches his words before they slip out, and t
here’s a guilty look on his face. “That asshole.”

“He has to live with
what he did,” I say
. “And I have to live with what he did. But I have the choice to be a victim or not. And I’m not going to be.
Certainly not now. I’ve made it this far.
”

“I’m
so sorry.”
His
words are simple. T
hey’re accompanied by a long look and there’s love there, the kind that
lasts lifetimes.

“I know. Me, too.”

We sit on the couch for a long time and neither of us says anything.
There’s no pity
lingering in the air
, because he knows me well enough to know that wouldn’t help, that it would only cause more pain.
But
there
i
s relief. In releasing that burden, the memory that I hadn’t even known existed
, some of the weight of the world
has been lifted off
my shoulders.

“Promise me that you’ll talk about it. To someone else, someone who can
help you
work through what happened
to
you.”
Ben
is serious and his eyes are intense on me.

“Like therapy?” I grimace and he smi
les
.

“Like therapy. Or a support group. Something.
I’ll help you find someone near your school.”

Greenview suddenly seems a million miles away. He’s right. I’m good at talking. Maybe therapy wouldn’t be all bad. “I promise.” I grimace again and he tickles me. “I’m going to be okay,” I tell him, and I’m certain
of it
.

I am going to be okay.

I don’t know whether I believe happiness is a choice or not, whether you’re exactly as happy as you make up your mind to be. I believe that there’s something like luck, and despite the awful memory creeping in my consciousness, I’ve been pretty damn lucky. There are people who care about me deeply, who would fly across the country at a moment’s notice, and there was a boy in a hotel room who wanted me to go to Prague…

“How did you remember?”
Ben
asks softly.
I knew he was going to ask the question, even though I’ve tried to figure out a way to avoid the subject of Chris. I offer a vague answer.

“I met someone.”

“And he was going to rape you?”
Ben
’s tensed with anger again and I calm him down immediately.

“God, no,
Ben
, no, no, nothing like that.” I try to find the words. “It was something he said. It was the same words as that awful party, and something about those words and where I was…”

He understands immediately. “You were…”

I nod, too quickly. We talk about everything, even girls and boys and crushes (except for my enormous, former—thank God—crush on him, but I think he probably figured that out a long time ago), but sex has always been taboo. There has to be a line somewhere.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Oh.”
He shifts his eyes down for a minute and then looks back up to me.

“I just ran away from him. That’s when you called. He’ll think I’m some total spaz.”

“
You are not a spaz. And h
e’ll understand.”
Ben
’s voice is strained now. “If he’s good enough for you.”

“Too good for me.”

“Impossible.”

“You haven’t met him yet,” I say, letting out a little laugh.

“He’s not too good for you.”

We lapse into silence again, but my feet are on solid ground again. “Thank you for coming,
Ben
.”

“Hey,” he says, grinning at me. “Always. Plus, you haven’t been picking up my fucking phone calls.
How else was I supposed to get you to talk to me? I retract my previous statement.
Maybe you are a spaz.”

I gasp. “There have been a few times when you haven’t picked up my calls, either. Alison? Grace? Eve? With Eve,
there was at least a three week period
when I couldn’t get you on the phone to save my life. Don’t I deserve a couple of weeks of no phone calls?”

I decide not to mention my
jealousy towards
Susan
, my fears about losing him, the feelings that had dominated my thoughts for weeks and were now little more than vague memories. Even if my feelings really have changed, I
need to
save myself the embarrassment of admitting to a giant-sized crush. He doesn’t need to know.

“I always pick up your phone calls.” He tugs at my hair. “Do I get to meet the mystery man while we’re here?”

I groan.
“I totally bolted. I have no idea how I’m going to explain.”

Ben
nods quickly.

“Anyways, it’s not really anything serious. Really.” Bu
t it could be
.

I think he
knows it’s a lie. “You don’t have to tell him about why you ran away, you know.”

I sigh. I don’t know if I can
handle the pity. Not from Chris
. “Yeah.
”

“I need the chance to grill the new boyfriend, though. Don’t rob me of that, Hals.”

I managed a little laugh.
“
We have to go to this stupid party anyways, so maybe I can see if he’ll meet us there. And you can finally meet
Sophia
.”

Ben
’s looking around the apartment and whistling. “The famous
Sophia
, huh? Who lives in this palace?”

“I know, right? It’s a pretty far cry from the hand-knitted afghans in my living room.”

“Hey, I could use a sugar mama. I’m pretty sick of ramen.”

“
Sophia
’s probably not th
e best option,” I add, laughing at the thought of the two of them together.
“Be careful. If she gets her claws in you, you’ll have a hell of a time digging them out.”