Fallout (76 page)

I KNEW HE WAS USING

He never tried to hide it. In fact,

offered to share. But even if he

hadn’t been honest about it,

his mood swings were obvious.

I just never realized how big

a part of his life it was. Not

sure why I didn’t see it. Guess

when you choose to be blind,

you really are. Don’t think it

would have changed a thing,

had I known. And now, seeing

him fight his demons for me,

I love him all the more. Even

if he is a complete grouch.

It’s the nature of the crash.

Better now than years down

the line.
I never got into

it that much
, he swore.

But without you, who knows

where I might be tomorrow?

HOPEFULLY, BY TOMORROW

We’ll be in a hotel room

in Mammoth, reward enough for

a week sleeping cold in a pickup truck.

Three nights at Lake Isabella, hoping no

one would come looking for us.

Kind of surprised when

nobody did. Another

three nights camped just west of

Lone Pine, in a sage-carpeted camp-

ground, more primitive than the first.

It was there, listening to coyote

song and eagle cry, that

Kyle crashed like iron

for two days. I gave him a wide

swath of privacy, exploring the brush,

gathering firewood, and otherwise

tending camp while he slept

morgue-dweller sleep.

When he woke up,

all groggy and weird, he was

so hungry he finished off two-thirds

of a bag of jerky. His face flushed

with color and the shivering

slowed. Resurrection!

THAT WAS YESTERDAY

And when we made love

last night, a blanket of frost

settling over the sleeping bag,

it was different than ever

before. Slower. Gentler.

Less demanding, more giving.

Hearts quickening in lockstep.

Breath like moth wings aflutter

against moonlighted window glass.

I love you
, he sighed along

my skin. And
I love you
,

desert wind blown into my hair.

And when we were finished,

we drew into each other’s

arms, warmed within our harbor.

Something happened in

the night, happened as we

dreamed. Something unexpected.

For on awakening, blinking into

the murky dawning, needful love

had transformed into blissful love.

MAYBE IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO

With sleeping under the Christmas

star. Yeah, I know it’s actually a planet

or something. And I know if it were

really the Christmas star, it would

be shining tonight. But whatever it is,

this morning it looked like a platinum-

set diamond in the lightening sky.

I burrowed into Kyle’s body heat,

ignoring the quite randy smell.

“If you believe in wishing on stars,

you’ll never get a better chance,” I said.

“That one belongs to Christmas.”

I have to believe in wishes, or

I wouldn’t be here with you. Right?

Then he laughed.
Even if you don’t

exactly smell like roses. Phew!

“No offense,
mi amor.
But I smell

a hell of a lot better than you.”

Guess you’re right. Definitely bath

time. You up for Mammoth?

WITH LUCK

We’ll be there tonight. Sooner

is better than later. The trail mix

is stale, the jerky gone. A hot meal

is my idea of heaven right now.

I dig in my backpack, count every

penny. “Sixty-six fifty-two.

Think we could get McDonald’s?”

I hate McDonald’s. But I hate

stale trail mix even more.

Kyle exits his shell of silence.

I think we can do better. I’ve

still got a few bucks myself.

“Enough for a room, too?

Just think … a hot shower.

Soft, warm bed. Reality TV.”

He laughs.
We’re living reality

TV. But yeah, we’ll find a cheap

room somewhere. Looks like

winter has arrived up there.

The resort will open soon.

I’ll put in an application.

I turn on the radio. Not much

available out here, despite

Kyle’s monstrous antenna.

Don’t use “seek,”
he instructs.

Try dialing by hand.
I do,

and from a distant city, through

the static, I discern a familiar voice.

You procrastinators don’t have

much time left. Santa’s almost here….

“That’s my brother,” I tell Kyle.

“Hunter. He works at a station

in Reno.” Nostalgia whacks me.

Really? How come you never

told me you have a brother?

He turns up the volume, but

the meager signal has dissolved

completely. “I have three brothers,

actually. Oh, and a sister, I guess.

I hardly ever see my brothers, and

no one bothered to tell me I had a sister

until a couple of weeks ago.”

Wow. That’s tough. I love my sister.

Can’t imagine not …
His voice

catches as he considers what

he’s about to say.
Can’t imagine not

seeing her, let alone not knowing

she even existed. How’d you find out?

I shrug. “My dad got drunk—

that night he got the DUI, in fact—

and it kind of just slipped out.”

Kyle thinks that over. Finally says,

My dad was drunk when he told

me about my mom going into the river.

Said we were better off without

the bitch. If I had been as big as I am

now, I would have made him sorry.

No wonder he hates his dad.

Mine’s a major screwup, but

at least he isn’t corpse-hearted.