False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (14 page)

 After
college, I’d moved to the northwestern side of the state, far away from the
city that stole my future. And that was where they had found me. I regretted
not leaving Michigan, altogether, but then again, Sam had relocated thousands
of miles away, and they still got to him. My life had become a nightmare. If I
didn’t find a way to deal with all the anger inside me, I feared I might
implode.

We
made another stop before heading to the safe house. Cade went into the
restaurant and came out with two large bags of food. I hadn’t touched anything
they had bought at the gas station, but my stomach began to grumble when he put
the containers in the seat next to me, not once meeting my eyes. I didn’t know
what he ordered, but it gave off mouthwatering aromas. My rational brain knew I
needed to eat, but I still didn’t trust my gut to keep it inside me.

We
arrived at an apartment building on the northern side of the city. Cade opened
the door for me, and I got out. There were several other people milling around
the building’s entrance, and it was soon clear they were all with the FBI. I
was escorted by two women to the top floor, where a modest one bedroom flat
awaited me.

“Miss
Meyer’s, I am Agent Mendiola, and this is Agent Fattel. We have gathered clothing
and personal supplies for your convenience, and we would like you to look over
these items and let us know if there is anything else you will require.”

I
knew this meant I wouldn’t be allowed to go out and shop for myself, so I
better be satisfied with the tampons they brought or speak up now. There was apparel
in the closet in the bedroom. Most of it seemed about the right size, though
not necessarily my taste. They supplied me with feminine supplies as well as
luxuries such as hair products and make-up. I wondered why they thought I
needed cosmetics, who the hell was I supposed to impress? The idea made me
laugh. 

“Do
you require anything else, Miss Meyers, before we leave you in the hands of Agent
Cantrell and Agent Roberts?” Fattel asked.

“Nope,
looks like I’m covered,” I said, somewhat sarcastically. I sat on the edge of
the bed as the agents excused themselves. The room was small but clean, and the
bed was covered in a gray comforter with matching pillows. There was an on-suite
bathroom, and I was glad I wouldn’t have to share it with anyone. Even though I
had made the choice to stay under FBI protection, I felt like a prisoner again.
In reality, I was a pawn in a game that law enforcement and the bad guys were
playing. I was so furious about having my life ripped away from me, and having
my family in jeopardy, I wanted to kill someone myself.  A knock resounded on
the door. “What?” I yelled. Cade opened the door.

“Come
and eat,” he said in that flat, cold tone I had come to despise.

“Stop
telling me what to do, Agent Cantrell,” I said with as much hatred as I could
dip my words. “You don’t get to have one single say in what I do, anymore. Do
you understand that? I will eat if I want to fucking eat, not because you told
me to do so. Now leave me alone!” I got off the bed and grabbed the door,
slamming it in his face. Even though I was a little hungry, I wouldn’t give him
the satisfaction. No way in hell did I want to sit and consume with him and his
robotic partner like we were old friends.

The
longer I sat alone, the more the irrational rage consumed me. I took off my
shoes and threw them across the room. Clothes flew from the closet and the
drawers as I took my aggression out on innocent articles of apparel. My body
was exhausted and covered in sweat before I finally collapsed on the bare
mattress, the sheets also a casualty of my rage. 

Cade
walked in as I lay there catching my breath. He surveyed the damage. “Are you done?”
he asked with condescension. He sat two containers of food on the nightstand
next to me, followed by bottled water and silverware. “I am providing you with nourishment.
If you choose to eat it fine. If you choose not to eat it, then we are going to
have a problem. I will have you admitted to a hospital if you continue acting
like an insolent child. We can watch over you just as easily in a medical
facility as we can in this apartment. It’s your choice.” He didn’t say another
word and didn’t look at me, simply exited, closing the door behind him hard
enough to punctuate his point.

“Fuck
you!” I yelled and threw one of the containers at the door. Some type of stir
fry slid down the wood and landed in a pile on the beige carpet at its base. My
stomach screamed in protest. After a while, my anger spent, I relented and ate
a few bites from the other container. It didn’t take much to fill me. I drank
half a bottle of water. After that, I felt like I needed to be clean, so I took
a shower and vigorously brushed my teeth.

When
I came out of the bathroom, the containers were gone and someone had cleaned up
the mess I’d made. It unnerved me to know they had come in, and I had not even
known it. I didn’t want them having the liberty to enter my room at will and
went to secure the bedroom door, realizing it wasn’t an option. There was no lock
on the bathroom door, either. The ire re-ignited, and I punched the wall which
did nothing but cause excruciating pain to my knuckles. I lay down on the bed
and thought about the old days again.

Just
after Thanksgiving, Cade and I lost our virginities together. Although we had
not planned our intimate breakthrough, we had hatched a plan to be able to
spend an entire weekend alone together. I made arrangements to go see my dad
and do some black Friday shopping. He had given me permission to use his house.
My mom thought he would be there, too, but, I knew he was vacationing in
Florida with whoever his current love interest happened to be. Lucky for us, my
parents were still so hostile with each other that they never spoke to one
another, allowing me to create the false pretense. Cade had two venues booked
to play that weekend. I felt a little guilty for lying to my mother, but I
would do whatever I had to do, to be with Cade, even if it meant violating a
trust.

We
drove down together in my truck after Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, Randy,
and Sam. The family thought I was dropping Cade at his aunt’s house, but we got
on the interstate instead. That first night at my dad’s house, the two of us
slept in the spare room, and after a hot and heavy make out session, Cade had
ended things, saying we should probably cool it and get some sleep. I was
disappointed, but I understood he was trying not to pressure me into anything. 
He worried I would have regrets, but I believed I’d never have remorse for
being with him.  

We
spent the next day exploring the city. Cade drove me around to where he used to
live and go to school. We did a lot of shopping, and I had almost my entire
Christmas list finished by day’s end. Cade was playing at a bar that night,
which was an issue for me, since I wasn’t old enough to be in a bar after nine
o’clock. With a little effort, Cade convinced the owner that I was with the band,
and I was able to attend.

 I
sat on a stool at the counter and watched
Unraveled
perform. Totally
enraptured, I jumped when a guy with shoulder length black hair pulled into a
low ponytail, sat an alcoholic beverage down in front of me. A rebellious
spirit came over me, so I accepted the drink. It was the first alcoholic
beverage I’d ever tasted, and the sweet pink fluid with a little umbrella
poking out the top, was delicious. Two drinks later, the effects were taking
hold, and I found myself dancing with the man who paid for the drinks. At
first, we were fast dancing, which seemed harmless enough, even though the room
spun around me. He kept his distance in the beginning, but by the time the band
played a slow song, he believed he was entitled to something. The club was
crowded, but I yelled at him to stop groping me as he tried to hike my skirt to
grab my backside.

 “Stop
it! Don’t do that, I’m not interested, and I have a boyfriend.”

“So
what?” he asked with a malicious grin, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt
and under my bra. It was so crowded; I couldn’t step backwards to get away from
him. “You know you want it.” He was clearly drunk, and I was suddenly scared,
my hint of a buzz waning quickly.

“No!”
I said. “Don’t!” He grabbed my breast. “I’m only seventeen, please don’t touch
me,” I begged trying to struggle away from him. He only laughed and pulled me
into his body, his erection pushing hard into my stomach. I wanted to vomit. The
music abruptly stopped and Cade was there, pulling me away from the perverted
man. Cade’s band mates stood between us and the man, daring him to try anything
else. The creep put up his hands, giving up. They gave him a personal escort to
the door while the crowd booed.

“What
the hell, Ellia?” Cade was furious as he pulled me around to the side of the
stage where it was quieter to talk. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I
don’t know,” I cried, hugging him tightly. “He bought me couple of drinks and then
we danced; I didn’t expect him to molest me. I am so sorry, Cade. I was so
scared. I’ve never been to a bar before.” He started to laugh. “Don’t laugh at
me, I was really scared.”

“I’m
sorry. As long as I am with you, I will never let anyone hurt you, but you’ve
got to stop flirting. You honestly don’t understand how attractive you are, and
guys will get the wrong idea,” he said seriously with a hint of condescension
in his voice. “This is a bar in Detroit, Ellia, not a high school dance up in
B.F.E. You understand that, right?”

I
felt stupid and immature as I pulled out of his embrace. “Maybe I should go,
Cade. Can you get a ride back to my dad’s, or would you prefer to spend the
night with your city friends?”

He
touched my face. “You don’t have to leave, I just want you to be more careful.”

“No,”
I said. “I think it is best that I go. Really … I don’t belong here. You guys
are almost done, anyway.  I will wait for you at dad’s house.” I stepped around
him, prepared to leave.

“Are
you mad at me?” he asked. “If anyone should be mad, it’s me.”

“Why
would you be mad? I didn’t do a thing to you. You are the one calling me an
immature hick,” I shot back.

“You
were the one taking drinks from some older guy and dancing with him right in
front of me. Did you ever stop to think about how that might make me feel?  How
would you like it if I was dancing with another girl?” he asked. “You didn’t
think that might bother me just a little? God, Ellia, sometimes you are so self-centered.”

I
considered what he said, angry at first, and then agreed with him. Sometimes I
was self-absorbed, and I was always the jealous one. I had never considered
that he might be covetous too, because I assumed he was aware he had me
completely under his thumb. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I just wanted to dance, and I
didn’t think it through. It meant nothing, Cade; I wasn’t intentionally
flirting with him. I love you.”

“Come
on, Cantrell, we have a crowd to entertain,” said his drummer, Scott, coming up
behind us. “The high school drama can wait until we are done.”

“Go
finish the set. I’m fine, and I promise I will sit here and behave until you
are finished. I love you.”

He
kissed me with territorial passion. “I love you too, Ellia. Don’t ever doubt
that.” He jumped back on stage. When the band finished, there was no tear down,
as they were booked there again the following night. Cade took his guitars with
him, and we headed back to my father’s house. It was close to three in the
morning, and we were both tired. I took a quick shower to wash the bar grime
off and got ready for bed with no expectations.

Cade
was already between the sheets when I crawled in next to him. He had showered
and smelled like my dad’s shampoo. “You guys were great tonight, as always” I
said laying my head on his chest. “I wish I had some kind of talent. It would
make deciding what I want to do with my life so much easier.”

“Well,”
he responded, stroking my wet hair. “If I got to choose a job for you, it would
definitely be something that involved helping people.”

“You
mean like a doctor or nurse?” I asked, looking up at him. “I think my
self-centeredness might interfere with that.”

“I’m
sorry I said that, and I didn’t mean it.  I was pissed off and jealous.” He
kissed my head and went back to the previous conversation. “You are so smart,
and you can be whatever you choose to be, and you’ll be awesome at it.” He
kissed my nose and my lips. It didn’t take long before our fatigue was
forgotten. When we reached the threshold of the stop zone, Cade pulled back,
not knowing if he should end things as we always did.

“I
want to,” I whispered. “I love you, Cade, and I want to do this.”

“I
love you too, but you don’t have to do this for me. I meant what I said, I will
wait until the day I marry you,” he whispered back, while kissing my neck
causing me to shiver and moan.

I
didn’t want to wait a second longer and pulled his hips into me, indicating my
decision. “I am sure. I am very sure.” He kissed me slowly, making me ache for
him. When he finally slipped inside, it was uncomfortable at first, and it took
some time before he was able to immerse himself. He was gentle and let my body
adapt a little at time, even though it was difficult for him to go so slowly.
Cade was always in control of himself, even then.  Once we found a rhythm, the
pain ceased, and the pleasure took over. “Oh God … Cade,” I cried out, reaching
fulfillment. He let himself go with a moan of delight, and we held each other
for a long time afterward, neither knowing what to say.

Finally,
Cade broke the silence. “I love you, Ellia. I will love you forever.”

“I
love you too, always,” I replied. We fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

***

I
finally fell asleep in the big bed with sweet memories of young Cade on my
mind. I dreamt of him that night, the boy I used to know, and woke up smiling.
Reality soon set in, though, and anger covered me again. It seemed unfair that
such a perfect young love had ended in tragedy.  
How could you throw me away
so easily? I don’t care if you thought you were protecting me, you nearly
killed me. How could it not affect you, like it did me, if you had ever loved
me the way I cared for you?
I asked myself the same questions for the millionth
time since I discovered he had not perished, but no answer presented itself. The
tears came again, and I went to the bathroom to shower, wanting to wash the
pain down the drain. The hurt still sat in my heart like a sharp heavy stone
whose edges took joy in ripping my flesh. I got dressed; feeling defeated, and
left the confines of my bedroom to find Agent Roberts reading a newspaper and Agent
Cantrell sleeping on the couch.

I
stopped abruptly and looked at him with red, swollen eyes, remembering how many
nights I’d lain awake watching him sleep. His physical beauty remained intact,
and if possible, had enhanced in adulthood. My heart ached so deeply, it was
hard to catch my breath. I shook it off and let the resentment refill me. 
Roberts observed me with his grim, stern face, so I tore my gaze away, walked
past Cade, and entered the kitchen area.

“There
is coffee,” said Roberts. “And food in the oven warmer if you are hungry.”
Coffee sounded perfect, but I didn’t want to eat. I poured myself a cup and sat
across from Roberts, deliberately staring at him while he tried to read his
paper. Inside, I was ugly and miserable, needing to lash out at someone. Agent-stone-face
seemed as good as anyone in that moment.

“Is
there something you require, Miss Meyers?” asked Roberts over the top of the
newspaper.

“Do
you have a life, Agent? Or like, is this it? Don’t you have a wife or a
girlfriend waiting for you at home? Or maybe you have a boyfriend. Yeah, I bet
that is your thing.” Sarcasm and malice sat heavy on my words.

“I
have a job to do, and unfortunately for both of us, this is it,” he said, with
his own ire.

“Do
you find joy in your work? I mean, you basically have a license to kill people.
Does that get you off, Roberts? Did you grow a big ol’ erection from watching
those poor bastards get mangled around a tree?” I stared at him with hatred.
“Is that what gets Agent Cantrell off these days, too? You both make me sick.
The only difference between the criminals and you are flimsy little badges that
won’t amount to shit when you sit in judgment.”

He
stared at me and answered. “None of us take any pleasure in having to kill
another person, Miss Meyers, but it is our job to protect the likes of people such
as yourself from the evils of the world. You should try being grateful.  If
those ‘poor bastards’ you refer to had not been mangled by that tree, you’d be
dead. Is that what you’d prefer? And, for the record, I am right with the Lord,
are you?” His eyes returned to his paper, as I balled my fist, wanting to tear
it out of his pompous hands and shove it down his throat. I glanced over at Cade
and found him in a sitting position watching the exchange unfold. He got up and
went to the kitchen, getting himself a cup of coffee.

“Food
is in the warmer,” said Roberts. Cade nodded but didn’t eat, either.

Now
that he was awake, I could turn my anger on the person who I deemed deserved it.
 “Well, you better eat Agent Cantrell, or we might have to admit you to a
hospital,” I said, using a deep voice to imitate his. He ignored me and drank
his coffee. “Come on, Agent Cantrell, eat your fucking breakfast, your boy toy
over hear prepared it special just for you. Are you guys a couple? Which one is
the bitch? Probably you, Agent Cantrell, right? You like that big black cock up
your ass?” I surprised myself with such crude and immature behavior, but I was
not myself. I was a mass of fuming pain that I wanted to rid myself of it, even
if that meant being a nasty shrew in the process.
What is wrong with you,
Ellia? Normal people don’t react this way. This situation is not Cade’s fault
or Agent Roberts.
I disregarded the inner monologue, not caring what my
logical self had to say.

Neither
man responded to my illicit goading. Cade finished his coffee and went into the
bathroom. Agent Roberts continued reading the paper. I got up and tossed my mug
into the sink, cracking it into two pieces. I stared at it for a while, seeing
it as a perfect representation of me--broken. After Cade’s death, I had never been
able to glue myself back together to make the pieces fit correctly. Now there
seemed even less hope of healing. I had the added element of resentment with
which to contend. Even if they caught my rotten father and life resembled
something normal, I would be forever altered. I turned on the television, only
to find my own face plastered all over the news.  I’d been listed as a missing
person, and my friends, who were actually just coworkers, gave interviews about
where they’d last seen me. Cade had lied to me again, and I wanted to strangle
him. I sat glued to the television as the media dissected Matt’s murder and my
potential culpability in the crime. Both my mother and brother joined me on the
missing persons list, but we were also declared
persons of interest,
which put an entirely different spin on our disappearances.  They speculated
about my father’s criminal activity, and the local authorities hinted that we
had all fled the country with him. When Cade entered the room and saw my
expression, he shut off the TV.