Family Business (9 page)

‘Huh!' the Old Man said.

‘Have some more wine,' Mama said. ‘It's very good. You can relax. Sleep tonight.'

The Old Man held out his glass.

‘May I have a little more too, please, Gran?' David asked. ‘Just a little. I've done all my homework.'

After the meal Salvatore suggested that he and Muffin go to the Rose and Crown for a drink.

‘Really?' Muffin said. She was obviously thrilled. ‘To work on the case? Really?'

‘We thought Sal might have invited you along last night,' Gina said.

‘Oh, I wouldn't have been able to,' Muffin said. But she did not expand on her alternate track of holiday activities.

Vlad, the barman at the Rose and Crown, recognized Salvatore immediately. He hailed a buxom blonde woman with blue eyes and dimples who was also serving behind the bar. ‘This is Cheryl,' Vlad told Salvatore. ‘Cheryl, this is the detective who was in here last night.'

‘But you're not the one who came to the house this afternoon,' Cheryl said.

‘That was my brother,' Salvatore said.

‘Really? Is
everybody
a detective all of a sudden?'

‘My brother and I are trying to find out what this other guy is up to showing pictures of your friend Kit,' Salvatore said.

‘I told your brother what happened,' Cheryl said.

‘Well, he said that you told him the guy in the black mac gave a copy of the picture to a woman who was in the pub that night.'

‘That's right.'

‘And that you said the woman is a regular?'

‘Oh yeah. Bonnie's a regular.'

‘Is she here?'

‘No,' Cheryl said. ‘But hang around. She comes in most nights before closing time.'

The subject of the slimy detective had come up toward the end of the meal. Salvatore recounted what he had found out on his pubcrawl of the night before. When he finished, the Old Man said, ‘Who's paying, all this time, all these drinks?'

‘We need to make sure nobody confuses this strange detective with us, Papa,' Gina said. ‘And something's definitely not right about it.'

‘We've got to protect the good name you built up, Papa,' Angelo said.

‘Soft soap,' the Old Man said. But he was always pleased when his achievements were recognized in front of guests. ‘So what's not right?'

‘This detective is trying to find a woman,' Gina said.

‘He should ask your brother-in-law,' the Old Man said carelessly.

Gina said, ‘He has a picture, but he only shows it to women in these pubs.'

‘He has copies, but he never leaves one with the bar staff,'

Angelo said. ‘If he expects to find her in a pub, why not leave a copy and his phone number?'

‘Except,' Gina said, ‘one time he gave out a copy of the picture.'

‘The barmaid friend told me this afternoon,' Angelo said. ‘She saw him give one to a woman in the Rose and Crown.'

‘When
we
try to find someone,' Gina said, ‘we make things simple, easy for people to help us. With this man he makes everything difficult, a mystery.'

‘And he has knobbly hands,' Salvatore said.

‘Knobbly hands
and
a black mac,' Marie said. ‘I bet he goes to pubs because he can't get anyone to go out with him. Yuk!'

‘They'd have to be desperate, like you,' David said.

‘You're the desperate one around here, shrimp-seed,' Marie said loftily. ‘But stick with it, poor little David. Maybe one day you'll find a girl with no sense of smell who will go out with you if you
pay
her!'

‘Children!' Gina said, as David was trying to frame a retort.

‘But it won't be easy money for her,' Marie persisted. ‘Ea-sy mon-ey!' she sang. ‘Not!'

‘Marie!'

‘Sorry, Mum,' Marie said, without evident sorrow.

Angelo sat staring at his daughter.

‘There is something wrong about this detective,' Gina said, insisting on a return to the subject. ‘What he does is just not how you look for someone. Not if you know what you're doing.'

‘So,' the Old Man said, ‘maybe he doesn't know what he's doing. This country you can call yourself a detective, but it doesn't prove anything.'

‘Is that right?' Muffin asked. ‘Don't you need a licence to be a private detective here?'

‘To get married, a licence,' the Old Man said. ‘To fish, a licence. To drive. To fly.'

‘To be an artist,' David interrupted.

‘What?' the Old Man said.

‘Artistic licence,' David said.

‘I mean it, David,' Gina said.

‘To own a big dog,' the Old Man said, ‘a licence. But a private detective? Nothing!'

‘Gosh,' Muffin said.

‘So,' Salvatore said, ‘what we've got is an incompetent detective.'

‘He'd starve, the skills he shows,' the Old Man said. ‘Or maybe his father owns the agency and he thinks he deserves a living no matter what. Maybe he's in for a surprise one day. Huh!'

‘Finish your plate,' Mama told the Old Man. ‘Gina will think you don't like it.'

‘It's good, Gina,' the Old Man said, picking up his fork. ‘It's good. You always make food good.'

‘Thank you, Papa,' Gina said.

‘Bubba,' Salvatore said, ‘you saw the model today too, right?'

‘Yes,' Angelo said. ‘But only for a minute. She was on her way to a modelling job.'

‘Bikinis?' David asked. Everybody turned to him. David hid his face.

Marie giggled. ‘That's what happens when you waste good wine on
him
!'

‘The model had an interview for a clothing catalogue job,' Angelo said. ‘She was on her way out. But then I checked with her agency. No “detective” has asked for her there.'

‘So do you think,' David said, ‘that maybe this defective isn't a detective at all?'

Again everyone looked at David.

‘What do you think, Sally?' Angelo asked.

‘From the mouths of tipsy babes,' Salvatore said.

CHAPTER EIGHT

After dinner David and Rosetta returned to the new computer in Rosetta's office. But while it was booting up, David said, ‘Auntie Rose, why isn't Walter around?'

Rosetta had consumed a good deal of Muffin's wine and was feeling no pain. She said, ‘Because he's a pig.'

David didn't know whether to smile.

Rosetta warmed to the subject. ‘And he's a donkey and a turd and a scorpion and a pot of goat-spray!'

David giggled. Responding to her audience's appreciation Rosetta said, ‘I should have know all along he was duplicitous.'

‘He was what?'

‘A tricky, deceiving, grotesque imitation of a human being. It's what I should have expected from a
solicitor
.'

‘A solicitor,' David repeated.

‘A conniving, canoodling carpet snake of a conveyancing solicitor. But at least he's gone and good riddance!'

‘Where has he gone?'

‘Who knows? And who cares?' Rosetta said. ‘But I'll tell you where he
should
go, where they all should go. What should happen to all conveyancing solicitors.'

‘What?'

‘The City Council should get a big old uncomfortable bus and they should load all the conveyancing solicitors into it and they should
convey
them somewhere. That's what they should do. They should convey them all somewhere dark and wet and radioactive. Somewhere it takes a long time to get to, because taking a long time is what they know best how to do, and even then they let you down.'

‘I've got an idea!' David said. ‘Let's do a computer program that gets rid of solicitors!'

‘Good thinking!' Rosetta said. ‘Destroy them through their modems. Spreadsheet them out of existence.' She paused. ‘How?'

‘There must be something we can do with the graphics,' David said.

‘You want the graphics? Coming up!' Rosetta said, and they turned to the new machine.

‘Do you think this Muffin is the one?' Mama said as she helped Gina load dinner dishes into the dishwasher.

‘Don't get your hopes up, Mama.'

‘Did you see something wrong with her?'

‘A lot of Sally's women have been nice,' Gina said. ‘The problem's not with them. It's him who will have to change if he's going to settle down.'

‘But he would settle with the right one, don't you think?' Mama said. ‘And this Muffin is not like the others. She has a thesis. And she's so interested in the work.'

Gina nodded, saying nothing.

‘Is something wrong with her?' Mama asked.

Gina thought about Muffin's unknown activity the previous night. There were a hundred possibilities. Like, she went to the Theatre Royal with someone she met in her hotel. Or she met friends of her parents. Or maybe she did whatever all the other tourists who come to Bath in the summer do at night. Go to the cinema? Seek out one of those awful pizza chains Marie's friends liked so much? But why not say so?

‘Gina?' Mama said.

‘I don't think anything's wrong with her,' Gina said. ‘She seems about perfect.'

‘Me, I think so too. And she can learn to model,' Mama said. ‘Now, if only I could get my Rosetta settled.'

At the dining-room table Angelo sat with Marie and the Old Man. The Old Man was dozing. Fishing for reassurance that he understood at least
something
about his daughter Angelo said, ‘I'm surprised you didn't fix a day with Muffin before she left.'

‘A day for what?' Marie said.

‘You made a bet with her. It's not like you to forget money.'

‘I didn't forget,' Marie said.

‘But you know what your Uncle Sal is like with his women,' Angelo said. ‘You better cash in while Muffin is still available. Unless you're afraid you won't win.'

‘Of course I'm going to win,' Marie said.

‘Win a bet, don't pay taxes,' the Old Man said unexpectedly. He straightened. ‘How much is this bet?' he asked Angelo.

‘Ten pounds, Papa,' Angelo said.

‘A lot of money,' the Old Man said.

‘It's not that much, Grandad,' Marie said.

‘My day,' the Old Man said, ‘buy a suit, get some change.'

Angelo smiled conspiratorially at Marie. He said to his father, ‘You must be older than I thought if you can remember getting a suit for a tenner. Tell me, what was Queen Victoria really like?'

The Old Man made a muffled sound that could have been, ‘Huh!'

Marie said, ‘Nowadays ten pounds
isn't
much.'

Although he had introduced the subject, Angelo stiffened. ‘Your mother negotiates your allowance.'

‘I'm just saying, Daddy.'

‘So what do you spend it all on?' Angelo asked. The Old Man's head dropped forward again.

‘You can't even get a decent T-shirt for ten pounds,' Marie said.

‘Can't you?'

‘You're so out of touch with the real world.'

‘Am I?' Angelo said. ‘Work. Get paid for your work. Isn't that what happens any more?'

Marie's eyes narrowed. Angelo could see that she was thinking, but he didn't know about what. Had he gone too far? Did she suspect that he knew? Was that what she was working out?

‘Daddy,' Marie said, ‘have you got a job for me? Is that why you're talking about work and money?'

Angelo hesitated.

Marie became excited. ‘Is that it? Do you? Do you, Daddy?'

‘Would you be interested?'

‘Of course!'

‘Even though working for money's old-fashioned?' Angelo risked.

‘Everybody works except Salvatore,' the Old Man said as he jerked erect again.

‘Papa,' Angelo said, ‘Salvatore works whenever we need him. He's out working now.'

‘When it suits him,' the Old Man said. ‘The family doesn't come first.'

‘Daddy!' Marie said.

Angelo held up a finger. Father and daughter waited while the Old Man drifted away again.

Marie whispered, ‘Don't mess about. What job?'

‘Salvatore and I will talk to Mr Shayler tomorrow, right?'

‘And?'

‘After that we might need someone to follow him,' Angelo improvised. ‘And it would have to be someone he wouldn't recognize—not me or Sal. So I thought since he doesn't have a car—as far as we know—I thought maybe you.'

‘When?' Marie said. ‘Tomorrow after school?'

‘No, not at night,' Angelo said sternly. ‘I was thinking daytime. I was thinking, Saturday.'

‘What's that in your bag, Auntie Rose?' David asked.

‘What?'

‘It's a wine bottle!'

‘No, it isn't.'

‘Yes, it is! It's the one that wasn't finished.'

‘Well, nobody wanted it,' Rosetta said. ‘Waste is a sin.'

‘Can I have some?'

‘No, no,' Rosetta said. ‘You had some at dinner.'

‘Let me have a sip,' David said. ‘Just a sip. Oh please.'

‘Well …' Rosetta said.

‘If you do I'll take the empty bottle and recycle it for you.'

‘You're sure you've done all your homework?' Rosetta said, taking the bottle from her bag.

‘What homework?' David said happily.

After she took a drink herself Rosetta passed the bottle to her nephew. David drank deeply.

‘Enough, enough,' Rosetta said.

‘Mmmmmmm,' David said. But he gave the bottle back to his aunt. ‘Hey, I've thought of another one!'

‘Go on.'

‘Next to an ambulance station, right? Dig a deep hole. Fill it with wine. That way all the ambulance-chasing solicitors will smell the wine and fall in and drown.'

‘I like it,' Rosetta said, turning to the computer and moving the cursor into the box for drawing circles. ‘But instead of wine in the hole it's got to be beer.'