Family Inheritance (15 page)

Alice walked over to Suzanne, placing her hands on her sister's shoulders. “We didn't
know. And I don't think Mom knew. It's not something you think is gonna happen with
the father of your kids. It's too creepy. You don't think a father would do that,
not to his own kids. You'd have to have told her.” She paused for a moment as bewilderment
filled her face. “Even then I don't know
if she'd have believed you. It's hard—it's
just so hard.” Placing her head against Suzanne's back, Alice began to cry. “I'm
sorry, Suzanne. I'm just so sorry.”

Chapter 16

Northern Minnesota

Sleep did not come easy for Helene as nightmares haunted her throughout the night.
The faces of Suzanne, Alice, Thomas, and Bill all mingled together in a collage of
feelings, each of them pulling at her, needing something from her, but she didn't
know what.

As the morning light filtered in through the nearly closed drapes, Helene struggled
to pull herself awake. She lay in bed staring at the ceiling, not wanting to get
up, yet not wanting to stay where she was. Yesterday filtered through her mind as
she tried to understand all she had learned. How could they have lived in the same
house and not known what each other was going through? Their father had been easy
to despise because of his constant drinking and his downright meanness, but yesterday
Helene began to understand that the feelings she, Suzanne, and Alice had for their
mother were a tangled web of love, resentment, and anger.

Helene was still trying to absorb the fact that their father had sexually molested
Suzanne and none of them had known about it. Could Mom really have been blind to
that kind of abuse? Then again, who would expect that a father would do something
like that to their child? Helene shivered. She would never understand a parent who
would intentionally hurt a child. As far as she was concerned, anybody like that
was a monster.

Her thoughts wandered to Bill and Thomas. Bill was not the attentive
father that
she wanted him to be and he spent far too much time away and not enough time with
Thomas, but Bill would never intentionally hurt their child. When Thomas was first
born, they both doted on him, then Bill's law practice took off and he was gone a
lot. By the time Thomas was a toddler, he and Helene got used to doing things without
Bill.

For many years, she was Thomas's world, and he would come to her for everything.
They spent many Saturdays at the zoo and would drive to Stone Mountain and take the
tram to the very top where Helene would worry about him getting too close to the
edge, Thomas exclaiming with wonder at how high up they were.

Helene wasn't sure what had changed, but something had, and while it was easy for
her to blame it all on Bill for not being a good father, she knew from her sessions
in therapy she had to look at her own choices as well. Being with Suzanne and Alice
yesterday had opened her eyes to how easily she had slipped into the role of victim,
shuffling out blame instead of dealing with what was.

Sitting up in bed, Helene decided that she needed to talk more with her sisters,
but not in the quiet, morgue-like hospital room where their mother rested in a deep
sleep. But, she didn't know how to reach either Alice or Suzanne.

Helene leaned back against the bed. What did she know about her sisters? She didn't
know anything about Alice and her life. She didn't know Jake, and she'd never met
her niece and nephew. Her life had been so separate from them, and she had intended
it to be that way. Other than the few brief attempts she had made when Thomas was
young to connect with them, she had never gone out of her way to be close. She had
never really wanted to be a part of their lives or them be a part of hers. If she
had let them close, they would have brought all the past with them. She had felt
that she was free of her past as long as she stayed free of her family.

In the quiet hotel room, sadness encased her as she understood that the only thing
she had freed herself from was the possibility of closeness to her sisters. Questions
circled through her mind. Did she want to be close to them? Would she like them if
she got to know them? Would she like the experience of closeness with them? She had
no idea. Alice's appearance appalled her, yet there was a possibility of bonding
and closeness she could not escape. She felt
the same about Suzanne and, she reluctantly
had to admit, even about their comatose mother lying silently in that bed.

Helene leaned back against the headboard and covered her face with her hands, fighting
the feeling of loneliness that rushed over her. She had two sisters, a husband, and
a son, and she didn't feel close to any of them. She felt like a very small child
in a big, dark space, all alone and afraid with no one to run to, or even to call
out to. She couldn't call out if she wanted to—she didn't know how.

Curling into a fetal position, Helene slid down onto the bed and cried like a small
girl yearning for her mother—a mother she never had but one she had longed for her
whole life.

Chapter 17

Northern Minnesota

Sam curled next to Alice in the bed at the shelter. “Mom, are we gonna go home again?”

“I don't think we can, Sam.” She pulled him closer.

“Why? 'Cause Dad will hurt us?” His innocent freckled face gazed up at her.

“Yeah, he might.”

He pulled away from her, and his voice filled with worry. “So, where are we gonna
go?”

“I don't know, Sam.”

“Does that mean you'll have to take care of us now, Mom?”

As Sam's words reached her ears, reality hit Alice in the face like a baseball bat,
leaving her head swirling with worry and concern. She was going to have to do more
than just leave Jake and sit with her children in a women's shelter for the rest
of their lives. She was going to have to do something. She detested Jake because
he sat on his ass waiting for the welfare checks, not making things better for them,
not trying. Yet she hadn't been doing much better than Jake. Thoughts careened around
in her mind, bringing up visual memories that choked the breath from her.

Refusing to give in to hopelessness and disgust, her arms curled tightly around Sam.
“Yeah, I'm gonna have to take care of us now. I'm not sure how, but I'll do it.”

“I know.” He curled farther into her large, soft body. “Mom?”

“Yeah, Sam?”

“I never really liked Dad.”

Alice peered down at her son, surprised. “Why not?

“'Cause he was always mean to you, and he made Sarah cry in the middle
of the night.” He gazed up at his mother. “And that's not what nice dads do.”

Alice closed her eyes. He knew that Jake had been hurting Sarah. They had all known.
Everybody but her. Why? Why hadn't she known? She couldn't find the words to answer
Sam. There were just no words. Guilt overwhelmed her. How could she have missed it
twice? First her father with Suzanne, then her husband with her daughter. What was
wrong with her? What was wrong with their family?

“Mom,” his sleepy voice persisted, “things are gonna be nicer now, aren't they?”

“I hope so, Sam.” She gulped away a sob.

“I know they will.”

“How do you know that?” Alice placed her cheek on the top of her sleepy son's head,
feeling his innocence and hope.

“'Cause you love us.” He yawned and finally fell asleep curled in her arms.

Huge
sobs escaped from deep within her belly. Even though Alice tried hard to hold them
back so her children wouldn't hear, Sarah stirred and sleepily whispered, “It'll
be okay.”

Snuggled between her children, Alice nestled in the love they were finding with each
other and clung to a wisp of hope that had started to emerge over these last days,
now that they were safe from Jake's meanness and anger.

It was early morning and Suzanne sat alone in the hospital room. She thought Helene
and Alice would be here when she arrived. Suzanne didn't want to be alone with her
mom, even in her comatose state. She felt as though her mother heard the conversation
yesterday and was now staring at her in anger—silently screaming at her that she
was lying, telling her to stop making trouble. Dad had always said that there would
be trouble if she told. He always threatened that her mother and sisters would leave
if she told or if she wasn't good to
him. He had made it all her responsibility,
and she had believed him. And she had hated them all.

And now Alice's daughter was being hurt by
her
father. It seemed like a never-ending
cycle. She had blamed her mother for not keeping her father happy, then she had blamed
herself for her mother's constant unhappiness. Her thoughts had always been helter-skelter—angry,
distrustful, and hateful regarding men and fathers. She had built this huge shell
around herself and her feelings. Nothing had ever cracked it—nothing until Alice
had talked about her daughter. Suzanne cringed at the thought of another child going
through what she had gone through, yet in a way she also felt less alone. It was
as though Sarah's abuse reaffirmed that it hadn't been Suzanne's fault.

Her mind raced and her feelings bounced around the hospital walls as she sat at the
end of her mother's bed. “You really didn't know, did you?” Her voice echoed into
the silent room. “How could you know? How could you have guessed? It doesn't seem
real or possible, even now, even after living through it. I've hated you all these
years for nothing. I've hated you so I didn't hate myself. But yet, I hate myself.
I hate him. Damn it, but I'm full of hate.” Her voice started to rise. “Why me? Or
Sarah. Why, Mom? Why? God, I wish I would have killed him!”

Suzanne suddenly felt her mother's foot move under her hand. At least, she thought
it did. She sat still and waited for another movement, but there was nothing. Maybe
she'd imagined it.

“You hear me, don't you, Mom? You hear me. I know you do! How could you have stayed
with him all those years? You deserved better. You did. I did. We all did.” Silence
quietly washed over Suzanne; her voice dropped to a whisper. “How can I judge you,
Mom? Look at me. How can I really judge you?”

Suzanne was quiet for several moments
before she touched the still form on the bed and whispered, “I'm sorry, Mom. I'm
so sorry for all of us.”

Chapter 18

Northern Minnesota

A large pizza sat on the table in Helene's hotel room. It was late, and the three
sisters were all exhausted, but the need to be together was strong. It was a need
they were not familiar with. The closeness was something they all yearned for. Throughout
the day, they had each spent time in their mom's room. Suzanne had spent most of
the day, Helene had come in later, and Alice had joined them after her appointment
with the counselor.

During her hour with her counselor, Alice had talked mostly about Suzanne being molested
by their father. She had been shocked to learn that incest was more common than most
people realized.

Now that she was with her sisters again, Alice wasn't sure what to say. None of them
were saying much, and they were definitely staying away from the topic of Suzanne's
sexual abuse. Helene tried to bring it up when they were waiting for the pizza delivery,
but Suzanne had snapped that she didn't want to talk about it. Helene had changed
the subject. Now they were talking about every subject but that, and Alice was glad.
She was still trying to get her mind around the fact that Jake had sexually molested
Sarah, and now she found out her father had done the same thing to Suzanne. It was
more than she could handle. Tonight she was glad for a small reprieve.

After they left the hospital, Helene had driven Alice to pick up her kids from school
and they had come back to the hotel where Suzanne was waiting. It
was the first time
her sisters had met her kids, and Alice had been nervous that the meeting wouldn't
go smoothly. But it did. Sarah had been a bit withdrawn, but Sam had curled into
hugs from both Helene and Suzanne and had chatted their ears off for at least an
hour once they were all together. On the way to the hotel, Helene had asked the kids
if they wanted burgers and fries or pizza for dinner. Both kids had decided on burgers
and fries, and the adults had opted for pizza.

Now, the kids were curled up on the bed in the bedroom of Helene's two-room suite,
sleeping soundly as Alice sat quietly with her sisters, nibbling on a slice of pizza.
No one had said a word for several moments and Alice was enjoying the quiet.

“Is that all you're going to eat?” Suzanne watched her.

“I'm full,” Alice murmured as she glanced down at the piece in her hand.

“How can you be full on one piece?” Suzanne asked as she grabbed her third slice.