Fangirl (18 page)

Simon looked away from her and flicked his wand again. It felt like something dead in his hands.

“I think Elspeth’s fur is pretty,” Penelope said. “She looks soft.”

He shoved the wand into his pocket and stood up. “You just want a puppy.”

—from chapter 21,
Simon Snow and the Third Gate,
copyright © 2004 by Gemma T. Leslie

FOURTEEN

Their dad came to pick them up the day before Thanksgiving. When he pulled up in front of Pound Hall, Wren and Courtney were already sitting in the back of the Honda.

Wren and Cath usually sat in the backseat together. Their dad would complain that he felt like a cabdriver, and they’d say, “No,
limo
driver. Home, James.”

“Wow, look at this…,” he said when Cath sat in the front seat next to him. “Company.” She tried to smile.

Courtney and Wren were talking in the backseat—but with the radio up, Cath couldn’t hear them. Once they were on the interstate, she leaned over to her dad. “How’s Gravioli?” she asked.

“What?” He turned down the radio.

“Dad,”
Wren said, “that’s our jam.”

“Sorry,” he said, shifting the volume to the backseat. “What’s that?” he asked Cath.

“Gravioli,” she said.

“Oh.” He made a face. “To hell with Gravioli. Did you know that it’s actually canned ravioli soaked in slimy brown gravy?”

“That sounds disgusting,” Cath said.

“It’s revolting,” he said. “It’s like dog food for people. Maybe that’s what we should have pitched.… ‘Do you secretly want to eat dog food? Does the smell of it make your mouth water?’”

Cath joined in, in her best announcer’s voice: “Is the only thing keeping you from eating dog food the fear that your neighbors will notice all the cans—and realize that you don’t have a dog?”

“Graaavioli,” her dad said, rounding out every vowel sound. “It’s dog food.
For people.
”

“You didn’t get the business,” Cath said. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head for a little too long. “We
did
get it. Sometimes getting it is infinitely worse than not getting it. It was a shoot-out—six agencies. They picked us, then they rejected every good idea we had. And
then,
out of desperation, Kelly says in a client meeting. ‘Maybe there’s a bear who comes out of hibernation really hungry, and all it can say is
Grrr
. And then the bear gets a big bowl of delicious
Grrr
avioli, and it turns into a human being.… ‘And the client just loved the idea, just fucking flipped, started shouting,
‘That’s it!’
”

Cath glanced back to see if Courtney was listening. Their dad only cursed when he was talking about work. (And sometimes when he was manic.) He said that ad agencies were worse than submarines, all cussing and claustrophobia.

“So now we’re doing cartoon bears and
Grrr
avioli,” he said.

“That sounds terrible.”

“It’s torture. We’re doing four TV spots. Four different bears turn into four different people—
four,
so we can cover our races. And then fucking Kelly asks if we should make the Asian guy a
panda
bear. And he was serious. Not only is that racist,
panda bears don’t hibernate.
”

Cath giggled.

“That’s what I have to say to my boss—‘It’s an interesting idea, Kelly, but panda bears don’t hibernate.’ And do you know what he says?”

Cath laughed. “Uh-uh. Tell me.”

“Don’t be so literal, Arthur.”

“No!”

“Yes!” Her dad laughed, shaking his head again, too fast, too long. “Working on this client is like making my brain dig its own grave.”

“Its own
grrr
ave-ioli,” Cath said.

He laughed again. “It’s all right,” he said, tapping the steering wheel. “It’s money. Just money.”

She knew that wasn’t true. It was never about the money with him—it was about the work. It was about coming up with the perfect idea, the most elegant solution. Her dad didn’t really care
what
he was selling. Tampons or tractors or dog food for people. He just wanted to find the perfect puzzle-piece idea that would be beautiful and right.

But when he found that idea, it almost always got killed. Either the client rejected it, or his boss rejected it. Or changed it. And then it was like someone had tapped straight into her dad’s heart and was draining the sap from his soul.

After they dropped Courtney off in West O, Wren slid forward in her seat and turned down the radio.

“Seat belt,” their dad said.

She sat back and buckled up again. “Is Grandma coming over tomorrow?”

“No,” he said. “She went to stay in Chicago with Aunt Lynn for a month. She wants to spend the holidays with the kids.”

“We’re kids,” Wren said.

“Not anymore. You’re sophisticated young women. Nobody wants to watch you unwrap gift cards. Hey, what time is your mom coming to get you?”

Cath turned sharply to look at her sister.

Wren was already watching Cath. “Noon,” she said guardedly. “They’re having lunch at one.”

“So we’ll eat at six? Seven? Will you save some room?”

“She’s coming to get you?” Cath asked. “She’s coming to our house?”

Their dad looked strangely at Cath—then into the mirror at Wren. “I thought you guys were gonna talk about this.”

Wren rolled her eyes and looked out the window. “I knew she’d just freak out—”

“I’m not freaking out,” Cath said, feeling her eyes start to sting. “And if I am freaking out, it’s because you’re not telling me things.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Wren said. “I’ve talked to Mom a few times on the phone, and I’m going to hang out with her for a couple hours tomorrow.”

“You talk to her for the first time in ten years, and that’s not a big deal? And you call her
Mom
?”

“What am I supposed to call her?”

“You’re not.” Cath turned almost completely to face the backseat, straining against the seat belt. “You’re not
supposed
to call her.”

She felt her dad’s hand on her knee. “Cath—”

“No,” Cath said. “Not you, too. Not after everything.”

“She’s your mother,” he said.

“That’s a technicality,” Cath said. “Why is she even bothering us?”

“She wants to get to know us,” Wren answered.

“Well, that’s bloody convenient. Now that we don’t need her anymore.”

“‘Bloody’?” Wren said. “Wotcher there, Cath, you’re slipping into Snow speak.”

Cath felt tears on her cheeks. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“What?”

“Making little comments about Simon and Baz.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You were,” Cath said. “You are.”

“Whatever.”

“She
left
us. She didn’t love us.”

“It isn’t that simple,” Wren said, watching the buildings go by.

“It is for me.” Cath turned back around in her seat and folded her arms. Her dad’s face was red, and he was tap-tap-tapping on the steering wheel.

*   *   *

When they got home, Cath didn’t want to be the one to go upstairs. She knew that if she went upstairs, she’d just feel trapped and miserable, and like the Crazy One. Like the little kid who’d been sent to her room.

Instead she went to the kitchen. She stood next to the counter and looked out into the backyard. Their dad still hadn’t taken down their swing set. She wished he would; it was a death trap now, and the neighbor kids liked to sneak into the yard and play on it.

“I thought you guys were talking about all this.” He was standing behind her.

Cath shrugged.

He put his hand on her shoulder, but she didn’t turn around. “Wren’s right,” he said. “It isn’t that simple.”

“Stop,” Cath said. “Just stop, okay? I can’t believe you’re taking her side.”

“I’m on both your sides.”

“I don’t mean
Wren
’s side.” Cath whipped around. She felt a new wave of tears. “
Hers
. Her side. She left you.”

“We weren’t good together, Cath.”

“Is that why she left us, too? Because we weren’t good together?”

“She needed some time. She couldn’t handle being a parent—”

“And you could?”

Cath saw the hurt in his eyes and shook her head. “I didn’t mean it that way, Dad.”

He took a deep breath. “Look,” he said, “to be honest? I don’t love this either. It would be so much easier for me if I never had to think about Laura, ever again … but she’s your mother.”

“Everybody needs to stop saying that.” Cath turned back to the window. “You don’t get to be the mother if you show up after the kids are already grown up. She’s like all those animals who show up at the end of the story to eat the Little Red Hen’s bread. Back when we needed her, she wouldn’t even return our phone calls. When we started our periods, we had to google the details. But now, after we’ve stopped missing her, after we’ve stopped crying for her—
after we’ve got shit figured out—now
she wants to get to know us? I don’t need a mother now, thanks. I’m good.”

Her dad laughed.

She glanced over her shoulder at him. “Why are you laughing?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “The bread thing, I think. Also … did you really google your period? You could have asked me about that—I know about periods.”

Cath exhaled. “It’s okay. We googled everything back then.”

“You don’t have to talk to her,” he said softly. “Nobody’s gonna make you.”

“Yeah, but Wren has already—she’s already let down the drawbridge.”

“Wren must have some shit she still needs to figure out.”

Cath clenched her fists and pushed them into her eyes. “I just … don’t
like
this.… I don’t like thinking about her, I don’t want to see her. I don’t want her in this house, thinking about how it used to be her house, about how we used to be hers, too.… I don’t want her brain touching us.”

Her dad pulled Cath into his arms. “I know.”

“I feel like everything’s upside down.”

He took another deep breath. “Me, too.”

“Did you freak out when she called?”

“I cried for three hours.”

“Oh, Dad…”

“Your grandmother gave her my cell phone number.”

“Have you seen her?”

“No.”

Cath shuddered, and her dad squeezed her tight. “When I think about her coming here,” she said, “it’s like that scene in
Fellowship of the Ring
when the hobbits are hiding from the Nazgûl.”

“Your mother isn’t evil, Cath.”

“That’s just how I feel.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “Me, too.”

*   *   *

Wren didn’t get back in time for Thanksgiving dinner; she ended up staying the night.

“I feel like if we set the table and pretend everything’s normal,” Cath said to her dad, “it’s just going to be worse.”

“Agreed,” he said.

They ate in the living room, turkey and mashed potatoes, and watched the History Channel. The green bean casserole sat in the kitchen and got cold because Wren was the only person who ever ate it.

Baz. “Have you ever done this before?”

Simon. “Yes. No.”

“Yes or no?”

“Yes. Not like this.”

Baz. “Not with a boy?”

Simon. “Not when I really wanted it.”

—from “Shall We?” posted April 2010 by FanFixx.net author
Magicath

FIFTEEN

When Cath saw it was Levi standing outside the door, she was so happy to see his always-friendly face, she just let him in. She didn’t even bother telling him that Reagan wasn’t there.

“Is Reagan here?” he asked as soon as he was in the room. Levi’s face wasn’t friendly. His forehead was furrowed, and his little bow lips were drawn tight.

“No,” Cath said. “She went out hours ago.” She didn’t add:
With a giant guy named Chance who plays lots of intramural football and looks like he could play John Henry in the movie version of John Henry.

“Fuck,” Levi said, leaning back against the door. Even angry, he was a leaner.

“What’s wrong?” Cath asked. Was he finally jealous? Didn’t he know about the other guys? Cath always figured he and Reagan had an arrangement.

“She was supposed to study with me,” he said.

“Oh…,” Cath said, not understanding. “Well, you can still study here if you want.”

“No.” Angry. “I need her help. We were supposed to study last night and she put me off, and the test is tomorrow and—” He hurled a book down on Reagan’s bed, then sat at the end of Cath’s, looking away from her but still hiding his face. “She said she’d study with me.”

Cath walked over and picked up the book. “
The Outsiders
?”

“Yeah.” He looked up. “Have you read it?”

“No. Have you?”

“No.”

“So read it,” she said. “Your test is tomorrow? You have time. It doesn’t look very long.”

Levi shook his head and looked at the floor again. “You don’t understand. I have to pass this test.”

“So read the book. Were you just gonna let Reagan read it for you?”

He shook his head again—not in answer, more like he was shaking his head at the very idea of reading the book.

“I told you,” he said. “I’m not much of a book person.”

Levi always said that.
I’m not a book person.
Like books were
rich desserts
or
scary movies.

“Yeah, but this is school,” she said. “Would you let Reagan take the test for you?”

“Maybe,” he huffed. “If that was an option.”

Cath dropped the book next to him on her bed and went to her desk. “You may as well watch the movie,” she said distastefully.

“It’s not available.”

Cath made a noise like
hunh
in her throat.

“You don’t understand,” Levi said. “If I don’t get a C in this class, I get kicked out my program.”

“So read the book.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It’s
exactly
that simple,” Cath said. “You have a test tomorrow, your girlfriend isn’t here to do your work—read the book.”

“You don’t understand … anything.”

Levi was standing now; he’d walked to the door, but Cath wouldn’t turn to face him. She was tired of fighting. This fight wasn’t even hers.