Far from Xanadu (22 page)

Jamie blinked awake. He rubbed his eyes. “What? Who?”

“Xanadu,” I said. “I’m telling her.”

“Telling her what?” Jamie said in a yawn.

I kept my eyes on the road. “How I feel about her.”

He swiveled his head. When he didn’t say anything, I turned to meet his eyes. “You’re going to tell Xanadu how you feel about her.”

I nodded.

“Are you crazy!” he cried.

It made me flinch.

“You can’t do that.”

I resumed concentrating on the road. “Why not? I think she should know.”

“And when she does, what? What do you think’s going to happen? She’s going to say, ‘Oh Mike. I never knew.’ ” He covered his heart with both hands. “ ‘Why, I love you too. I guess I’ll turn gay now and dump Bailey for you.’ Is that what you expect?”

I scoffed. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m stupid?” His voice rose. “Mike —” He stopped. We passed a sign for Goodland, thirty miles. Jamie said quietly, “Don’t do it.”

“I’m going to,” I said.

I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t think about anything else. I’d made up my mind. Miracles don’t happen. You make them happen. They’re not wishes or dreams or candles on a cake. They’re not impossible. Reality is real. It’s totally and completely under my control. It was time for action, control. Time for me to take charge of my life.

That night, after Darryl reamed me out royally for not calling — like he actually cared I was gone — I lay in bed on my familiar lumpy mattress, soaking in my poster of naked Maserati girl and reconfirming my commitment. People should know how you feel about them. Before it’s too late, you should tell them. Before they’re gone and you can’t remember the last time he said, “I love you.” Or you said it back. You can’t remember if he kissed you good night or told you to sleep well, sleep tight, baby. If you took it for granted that he was always there. Then he wasn’t.

We were lucky, me and Xanadu. We had time. The time was now. We didn’t have the distance to keep us apart, like Jamie and Shane. There was nothing separating us. Nothing but the truth.

I loved her.

She needed to know.

And what would happen when she did? Maybe, just what Jamie’d said. She’d realize she was making the biggest mistake of her life with Bailey McCall. She’d come to her senses. She’d come to me.

Chapter Nineteen

M
onday morning Xanadu attacked me in the hall. “Why didn’t you call me? I left you about a hundred messages on your machine and you never called back.”

I downloaded books from my locker into my arms for morning classes and shut the door. “We didn’t get home until late yesterday.” By then I was wiped, needed to think, plan. “Shane stayed over Saturday night in Denver with Jamie.”

“Really?” Xanadu’s eyes gleamed. “Did they...do it?”

“I assume so. I didn’t ask.”

“You didn’t ask?”

“It’s kind of personal. I didn’t exactly want the details.”

She slapped my arm. “Why not?” She laughed at my expression of horror, which made me laugh. This was going to be easy. As we ambled down the hall toward class, she added, “I guess I don’t really want to know what two guys do together either.” She wrinkled her nose. “Does Jamie really like him?”

“Well, yeah. He loves him.” I didn’t say, Why else would he have sex with him?

Xanadu bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. “That is so cool. God, I’m happy for him.”

“Listen.” We’d reached the room and I stalled outside the door. “I wanted to tell you —” My throat closed up.

She gazed into my eyes and tilted her head, the way she does. So sexy. “Tell me what?”

I coughed; cleared my windpipe. “Tell you —”

“Yo, Xana.” Bailey appeared out of the manure heap and swept her into his arms. He kissed her long and hard. When they separated, he said, “I thought we were meeting out front this morning.”

“Oh shit.” She bit her index finger. “I forgot.”

“I guess I can forgive you. You probably had other things on your mind.” He circled her with his hairy arms and rocked her side to side.

Xanadu reached up and tugged his Stetson down over his eyes. “I know what’s on
your
mind.”

The bell rang, saving me from having to barf on Bailey’s boots. As I veered off toward my dunce seat in back, Xanadu snagged my arm and whispered, “We’ll talk later, okay?”

I stared at her all period. I couldn’t help myself. Her hair was loose today, flowing down her back. She wore low-cut dirty jeans, same as everyone was wearing these days, except on her they looked pristine. Spectacular. A short shirt. No belly-button ring.

I had to tell her.

I tried to catch her after class, but she left. With him. Then later between periods, she was with him again. At her locker, at lunch, after school driving away in his truck.

I was committed. As soon as she knew, she’d see me differently. As more than a friend. Better than Bailey. I’d love her so much more than he ever could.

I’d call her tonight.

No. This wasn’t something you did on the phone, profess your undying love to the girl you planned to spend the rest of your life with. I’d tell her before school tomorrow. When we were alone. Away from him.

She didn’t show at my locker the next day. I didn’t catch her alone once. He was always around, lurking, like a wolf. The scent of him sickened me, primed me for the kill.

After the game tomorrow night, I decided. It was a home game so she’d be there. Yeah, and so would the rest of the town.

Shit.

Friday. When we went out drinking, I’d tell her then. Jamie’d pass out eventually and we’d be alone. Or I’d drop him off first.

Four days. It’d give me time to think about what I was going to say, besides, “I love you.”

“I love you, Xanadu. I love you more than life itself.”

“So, Mike. How much money have you collected?” Coach Kinneson came up behind me as I strapped on my chest protector.

I feigned deafness. What did she think I did, empty the can at the Merc and count it? Get real. My face got hot every time someone folded money to wedge in that stupid can. It was humiliating.

“I submitted your application for the camp this week,” she said.

I whipped my head around. “Why’d you do that?”

She skimmed down the roster on her clipboard. “I wanted to make sure you applied in time; that your name got on the A-list.”

“Maybe I don’t want my name on the A-list. Maybe I don’t want my name on any list. I’m not going.”

She looked stunned. “I’m sure you’ll have enough money by then.”

My jaw clenched. I pulled my mask down and charged out onto the field. Why was I so angry about this? It was the money, yeah. The charity. My pride. But there was more. The whole freaking Catch-Her-Star. It’s my star, okay?

The rematch with Deighton was a blowout. We avenged our earlier loss. Everyone was in top form, me included. It felt good to get back out there. Play a role. Be a star.

I was buzzed after the game. When I sprang from the lean-to, I saw Darryl loitering at the end of the bleachers, smoking. What was he doing here? He gave me a thumbs-up and I flipped him the bird.

Jamie and Xanadu were waiting for me. “Awesome,” Xanadu said. She threw her arms around me. Jamie fluttered a pom-pom in my face. I smooshed it into his mouth.

A horn honked in the parking lot and Xanadu wheeled around. Who else? Wolfhound. “Gotta fly,” she said. “We’re on for Friday, right?”

“Definitely.” I hoped she heard the “we better be” in my voice. I was taking control.

She converged on Bailey and Beau and a group of guys at his truck. I slung my duffel over my shoulder, heading in the opposite direction. I’d planned to hook up with the team at the Dairy D, but now I wasn’t in the mood.

Jamie loped up beside me. “Listen, I can’t go celebrating with you and Xanadu this Friday.” He spit out a strip of Mylar pom-pom. “Shane wants me to call him Friday night after he gets off. To talk, he said. What do you think that means?”

I shrugged. “Form words? Speak them out loud?”

He cast me a withering look. “What if he wants to break up?”

“I didn’t know you were engaged.” Jamie wasn’t coming Friday. Xanadu and I would be alone the whole night. A spike of fear shot up my spine. Why did that scare me, and excite me at the same time?

“You know I really could use some support here.” Jamie stopped and flung his pom-poms on the ground. “I’m a total emotional wreck and all you can do is crack jokes.”

I slowed. He sounded more upset than mad. “I don’t know what it means, Jamie,” I admitted. I hadn’t had any experience in this arena.

“What was Shane’s tone of voice? Was he serious, like, ‘We need to talk’? Or light, like, ‘I miss the sound of your voice. Let’s talk’?”

Jamie exhaled a long breath and bent to retrieve his pom-poms. “I don’t know,” he said on the way up. “It’s hard to tell when the words come across your fucking monitor.” He torched me with a glare.

Oh yeah. The joy of cybersex. “Guess you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Wait and see if he breaks my heart. What do I have, a sign on my back that flashes, HI, I’M JAMIE. SQUEEZE MY BALLS. MAKE ME SCREAM?”

Kimberleigh called, “Jamie, come on. We need you for comic relief.”

Jamie’s face lost all expression. “God, to be straight for one day. To know how it’s all supposed to turn out.”

We didn’t go to the caboose. I took Xanadu to the water tower instead. As the extension ladder clanged against the metal frame, she gazed upward, shielding her eyes. “Are you insane? I’m not going up there.”

“Don’t worry,” I told her. “I’ll catch you if you fall.”

“Ha, ha,” she deadpanned.

“Here, give me your pack. I can carry both of them. Trust me. I do this all the time.”

She met my eyes and held. “Why?”

I didn’t have an answer for that one.

Xanadu touched my arm. “Okay, I think I know,” she said. I almost died. If she did know, I wish she’d tell me so I’d have the words to explain it.

She handed me her pack and stepped up onto the first rung of the ladder. I followed close behind. At the top she waited for me by the gate, looking freaked.

“It’s okay,” I reassured her. “It’s safe.” With me, you’re always safe, Xanadu, I wanted to add.

She grabbed the bottom of my shirt and shuffled after me to my usual spot on the walkaround. I set down the packs and sat, motioning her beside me. She hesitated, looked around. Slowly, she crept to the railing and peered over the side. “Is this where he...?”

“No. Other side.” Where the sun sets. Where I never go.

“It’s high up here.” Her eyes swept the tower, the fields, the high-way out of town. She stepped back. She sat and scooted against the water tank. Next to me, our arms touching. “Kind of creepy, Mike.”

“Not to me. I think it’s peaceful. The stars, the wheat, the farms. When I come up here I feel...I don’t know. Free. Like a cloud. Like sky. No edges, no limits. No walls to close me in.”

She tilted her head slightly and smiled.

All the blood rushed to my face. It was hard revealing so much of myself to her. But I needed to. I wanted her to know me. To know I trusted her.

I felt her shiver.

“Are you cold?” I reached over and unzipped my pack.

“A little.”

Damn. I’d forgotten my sweatshirt. I was so psyched about seeing her, being with her, that my brain had disengaged. It’d been a balmy day, but the night air was crisp. It was always chilly up here at night. I knew that. Damn. Her arms prickled with goose bumps.

My muscle tee would be enough for me. I took off Dad’s flannel shirt and held it open to her.

“No, I’m fine —”

“Wear it. It’s all warmed up for you.”

She blinked at me, then slid her arms into the sleeves. The shirt was way too big. On me it hung to my knees; on her it looked sexy as hell.

The sky was clear and calm, the air smelled earthy and fresh. Out in the fields, blue and red strobes from all the circular sprinklers created a moving quilt of twinkling stars. “It really is beautiful,” Xanadu breathed.

“Yeah.” I stared at the side of her face. “It is.”

She turned to me and held my eyes. My heart hammered a hole in my chest. Do it now, Mike. Do it. “I brought you up here to tell you something.” My voice sounded shaky, weak. I hated that. Be strong. Be confident.

She waited.

Blood roared in my ears. My hands felt clammy and I wiped them on my new Levi’s. “I, uh.. .” Couldn’t speak.

“What, Mike?” Her fingers brushed my quad.

A bolt of lightning shot through me.

“You can tell me.” Her voice was soft, sensuous. “You can tell me anything at all.”

“I love you.” Did I say it? Did I speak the words aloud? Or did they lodge in my throat, get mangled, trickle off into the night? I didn’t want her to think I was insincere, or unsure. With more conviction, more finality, I said it again: “I love you. I’m in love with you.”

There was a moment when the world stopped spinning underneath me. When my heart was sure to rotor right out of my chest.

One word: “Oh.”

Oh? That was it? She removed her hand from my leg. My eyes followed her hand, up her arm, to her face, her eyes. They dropped. A tiny smile curled the tips of her lips. “I think I knew that. I mean, I’ve known it. Mike —” Her voice changed.

“Don’t say anything.” I stood up fast. “Think about it.” I suddenly felt like running, jumping. Not off the tower. Off the ends of the earth. Into a tornado, a centrifuge, a cyclone swooping me away from here.

“I have thought about it,” she said quietly.

My ricocheting brain crash-landed on the tower. “You have?”

She nodded. “Yes. I love you too.”

My heart sang.

“As a friend.”

No. She wasn’t supposed to say that. We were beyond that. Of all the things she could’ve said: I’m not ready yet. Let’s see where this takes us. I’d like a little time to get used to the idea. I never knew. Now that I do know, I love you too. I love you, Mike.

“What did you bring to drink?” My voice disembodied.

“Mike —”

I bent down to open her pack. Inside was a full bottle of Wild Turkey. I yanked it out and unscrewed the lid.

“You understand, don’t you?” she said. “I mean, I’d be honored to be your girlfriend, if.. .” She paused. “Any girl would be lucky to have you. I’m just not... that girl.”