Farm Boys: Lives of Gay Men from the Rural Midwest (32 page)

My grandpa, my mother’s father, was really into tramping through the woods. We’d go on long hikes and he would tell far-fetched tales about Indians and whatever. I really liked hanging around and going fishing with him. My aunt Evelyn broadened my view of the world. She encouraged me to become a pharmacist, and I think part of it was because she’s a hypochondriac. She had kind of wild ideas about things, and people thought of her as eccentric. She was interested in bird-watching and other things that people around there had no clue about.

My father was disappointed that I didn’t take over the farm, because none of my brothers showed the interest that I did. But I just didn’t think it was for me. I needed to get away and see what else was out there. I was going to college and I wanted to travel. I knew that it would be really hard for
me to live on the farm, but in another sense I wanted to. I really wanted to be a veterinarian, so I could be involved in farming but have an education and be more mobile. But there wasn’t a vet school in Wisconsin, so I went to pharmacy school. That way, I figured, I could live in a rural community, have a hobby farm, and travel.

Later, in high school and in college, I decided I should make a concerted effort to start dating women. I really liked some of the women I dated, but the sex was not satisfying and I always felt I had this thing that I was hiding from them. When I got out of college, I started a commune near a little town I worked in. My friends from college moved out there and it was a lot of fun for three years. We had horses and all the pets that I had wanted as a child. The town was very religious and family-oriented, and they thought we were very strange, all these men and women living together.

In 1977, I took a year off and went on a bicycle trip around the United States and Canada. At the end of the trip I came out. I’d heard that gay people lived in big cities, mostly San Francisco and New York, so I moved to San Francisco. My plan was that I would get in contact with my family eventually, and if they came to visit I would pretend I was straight. There was no way I could integrate being gay into my life as it was. I had to leave my former life and start this new life. My sexuality was like another person, it was not me. To me, being gay was just sex, and it was a total revelation to me that gay people in San Francisco were having relationships, not just sex. I was blown away by all the gay people, and the whole scene felt so threatening. I was looking desperately for somebody to talk to, and that’s when I got involved with the Unification Church—the Moonies.
¹
They were willing to invite me over and listen. I was looking for this ideal life where I wouldn’t have to deal with my sexuality.

When I wanted to go home for Christmas, the Moonies said that if I left, I’d never come back. I said that was a chance I’d have to take. Back in Wisconsin, I was talking with my brother about the Moonies and why I was going to go back out there, when it dawned on me. “You know, Chuck,” I said, “I’ve decided I’m
not
going to go back to the Moonies. I’m going to deal with being gay instead.” He said, “Oh? How do you know that?” I said I’d always known. My parents were pretty freaked out that I had joined the Moonies. When I went to see them on the farm, I told my mother that I had decided I wasn’t going back, and I wasn’t going to get married either. I was going to deal with being gay. She was real calm about it and said she had always known. She said I needed to tell my father, so we told him. He was totally numb, and for the next few weeks he wouldn’t talk about it. My mother was so upset, that’s all she
could
talk
about. She went to a priest that we had when I was a kid, the racist pig, and he said that I was going right to hell and that there was no hope for me.

My mother said that my father cried all night the first night, and that he said he would sell the farm and use the money if it would make me better. I said that was not what I needed or wanted, and that it didn’t work that way. My mother talked to another priest they’d had. The rumors were that he had to leave town because he had an affair with a woman. He said that if I hadn’t lived in Madison, that bed of sin, I wouldn’t be that way. She just needed to pray for me. In desperation, my mother turned to the parish priest they had at that time. She didn’t want to do that, because she didn’t want people in Wonewoc to know. He said that if God hadn’t wanted her son to be that way, he wouldn’t be that way—so that’s the way God wanted it to be. Then my mother was okay with it, and not too long after that my father said to me, “You are the way you are. You need to do what you need to do. But I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” I said that was fine.

All of my boyfriends have been very well-accepted by my family. I was involved with Jose for seven years, and the first time we went to visit my family on the farm we camped, because we didn’t want to stay in the house. The next time we visited, we were going to camp again, but it was raining, and my mother suggested that we sleep in a bedroom that had only one bed in it. After that, when we would visit, that was our bedroom. But Jose was very religious. “We can’t have sex in your parents’ house. That would be sacrilegious.” I said, “Oh, come on! Either they expect we’re going to do it, or they assume that we wouldn’t. One way or the other, it’s not going to matter to them.” The next morning my mother came into our room after milking the cows, sat down on the bed, and started talking to us. It was such a shock!

Jose and I lived in New York City for a year. That was a mind-blowing experience, living on West 48th, about six blocks from Times Square. I felt claustrophobic, like there was no way I could get out. There was a little community garden where I’d spend my free time. It was really hard. I felt so far away from the country. Jose said, “You know, you’re really not happy here. Maybe you should go back to your parents’ farm for the summer.” The next day I walked into work and gave two weeks’ notice. I came back to Wisconsin and spent the summer on the farm, then got a job and moved to Madison. My aunt and uncle wanted to get rid of their farm, which is a half a mile from where I grew up, so I bought it on a land contract. If I ever want to go back to the farm, I have a place.

My father has liked all of my gay friends because they’ve always been interested in him and what he was doing. He takes it as a good sign if people don’t treat him like a dumb farmer. He would have difficulty dealing with them if they were talking about being gay or showing any affection in front of him, but if you don’t speak about it or make it obvious, then he’s fine. It’s the way he deals with a lot of things in life; “I just don’t want to know about it.” My older brother is not real supportive, but it doesn’t bother me. One of my younger brothers says I wouldn’t have to be this way if I didn’t want to be. But I’m not going to change his mind, so it’s not worth arguing about. My other brothers and sisters have all been real supportive. They all came to Madison for the first Gay and Lesbian Visibility Alliance march.

Right,
Richard Kilmer with his parents and two brothers in the spring of 1956. Courtesy of Richard Kilmer.

A couple of friends had been to the 1987 march in Washington, D.C., and they wanted to do a march in Madison.
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Their enthusiasm swept me up, so I helped put together the first march, on May 6,1989.1 think there were seven thousand people. We worked for a year and a half to get it together. There was a lot of publicity, and I was very open about being in the news. The Madison newspaper comes to my parents’ town, and there was my name. I wanted a lot of people to march, not just lesbians and gays but also families and friends, so I asked my family to come and march. I told them how important it was to me, and they came. My older brother didn’t, but the rest of my family did, and we all marched together. I was totally shocked that my father came. He was very uncomfortable, but he did it. The weather was very cold and the speeches were a little long, but it felt very good. It was kind of an affirmation of my life.

“When I got out of college, I started a commune near a little town I worked in. We had horses and all the pets that I had wanted as a child.” Richard Kilmer and Merry Legs in the autumn of 1976. Courtesy of Richard Kilmer.

I could go live on my farm, but I don’t. I would probably be supported in the community because I have roots there, but I still have some underlying fear. I know there are lesbians and gays living around there, but they’re very isolated. One of my cousins is gay and he still lives there. He works at a cheese factory and is very open about being gay. He has been harassed on the job, but he gets along pretty well. In rural areas, people who are openly gay are shunned by the other gays and lesbians. They won’t associate with them because that points the finger at them, and they want to keep their identity hidden, even though everybody probably knows all their little secrets anyhow.

Madison is so accepting, in certain ways, even more accepting than New York City. In New York you could do what you wanted, everybody was anonymous, but it felt oppressive. Here in Madison, people know each other. It feels like it’s kind of the in-between spot for me. I can have a garden here. It would be wonderful if I could have chickens and a goat. It’s not living on a farm, but I don’t want the isolation of the farm. I like having lesbians and gays around me, having that sense of community. So I’m kind of on the fence, not a farmer but not a city slicker either.

Being from a farm, I always felt kind of different, and that seemed to give me strength to deal with being gay. It’s that same sense of not quite belonging. In certain ways, growing up on a farm and then moving to the city was like being from a different country and moving to the United States. I feel like I grew up in a different culture. It seems like gay people who grow up in urban areas are better off, better educated, and better able to function in the world. The city is their territory and they’re more familiar with it.

There’s something about the way you order your life that’s different on the farm. This time of year you need to do this, and this time of year you need to do that. You don’t think about anything broader, you just go along with the flow. You’re more isolated and think about everyday kinds of things. You know that there are certain times of year that things need to be done, so you can’t go and do other things. There’s a little bit more responsibility and a more rigid schedule. You’ve got to be there twice a day to do the milking, even if you want to go do something else. You watch the temperature and you watch the seasons. Rain means something different to me than to somebody who grew up in the city. I think of the farms and the land, and I think, oh my goodness, we really need the rain. Somebody who grew up in the city thinks, oh shoot! I wanted to go to the beach today.

I want to be looked upon as a very good citizen—all of those things that I want people to associate with being gay. Some gay people want to flaunt and be really outrageous. That’s just not me. It may bring about some change, but in the long run the people who plod along are going to make more long-lasting change. Everybody who’s lesbian and gay should be as open as they can. People need to know that we’re out there. I definitely don’t agree with people who stay in the closet and lead dual lives. In that way I’m more radical, but I consider myself a moderate. I know people in the radical fairy movement who think I’m pretty yuppie. But I grew up in the hippie days, I started a commune, I was a Moonie. I’m not even close to being a yuppie.

Since I came out, my goal has been to share my life with somebody in a forever kind of monogamous relationship. My dream was to be in a
relationship with a farmer, or somebody who really wanted to be on a farm. In that situation, I think I would have really enjoyed living in the country, working outside, and being around animals. Dairy farming would have been very fulfilling. But to do it alone would be too lonely, and once you’re isolated there you don’t meet people. I’ve been in one relationship for seven years and one for two years, and I’ve dated other people. Being gay gets in the way of a relationship, because you have to deal not only with your own feelings about being gay but also with the other person’s feelings. Jose grew up in a Catholic family, and then became a born-again Christian. He had a lot of stuff to deal with about religion and being gay, and it had a huge effect on our relationship and the way he felt about himself.