Fast Forward (20 page)

Slowing Down 2 Begin Again

It
was dawn. I’d been up all night, but it didn’t feel like it. Usually when I stay up late studying or something, I’m sleepy and drowsy the next day, but today I felt pretty good. Everyone was still asleep, so I made myself a cup of hot tea and headed out on the front porch. As I passed the table in the front hall, I saw an envelope addressed to me. It was from Hazelhurst Academy. I guess after everything that happened last night I missed seeing it there.

I picked it up and considered what to do. I knew it was my test results, and I knew opening it meant I’d either go back or stay where I was. I glanced around, I was alone, but it was okay. I opened the letter and read the contents.
Afterward, I placed it back on the table for my grandmother and Jade to read. Then I went outside.

The early morning air was crisp and cool, much different than how it had been the past few weeks. It felt like fall was finally here. It felt good, like a change was coming.

I had my recipe book with me. I sipped my hot tea, sat down and flipped through the pages. I began reading some of the old entries. A lot of them were pretty good.

I called it my recipe book, and it did have some recipes in it, but it also had lessons in it. Life lessons that I learned along the way. It had things that I didn’t want to forget. Moments that changed me, touched me, some for the better and some for the not so better. I guess I’d figure all that out later.

It’s strange the things that happen in your life that touch you and you never even know about it. It’s like throwing pebbles in water. As the pebbles create ripples, each ripple interacts with another ripple and causes a whole new ripple effect. I guess that’s how my life is. What I do affects others as much as it affects me. I picked up my pen and started writing.

“What I do, the choices I make, have consequences. These consequences don’t just affect me. I need to learn to make choices that I can live with so that I can live with myself.”

I stopped writing and looked up thinking.

I wasted the past few months being mad at life, at everybody and everything. I can’t say that I’m not still mad ’cause I know I still am. But I need to find a way to channel my anger. I don’t know if it’s through dance or
books or gardening, but I have to do something better than what I
was
doing. Whatever, changes have to be made, definitely.

I also knew that I had people around me that would help me through this. People I loved, my grandmother, Jade, my girls, my dad, Terrence. I even had people I wasn’t too sure about like Li’l T and Dr. Tubbs. The thing was, I needed to step up. I had been going fast in the wrong direction. Now it was time to change all that. I wrote again.

“My grandmother is a trip. I can’t believe the things she does sometimes. She’s like the pictures on the wall in the living room. On the surface it’s just a picture, but beneath there’s so much more. What would I do without her?”

I stopped writing. I was thinking that I’d try to hold on to this book for my kids—if I ever do have kids. Jade was right. We’ll never be able to place our babies in our mom’s arms, but we could make sure that some part of her lives through us. She made mistakes. I made mistakes, and more than likely, I’ll make a lot more. But I’ll learn something each time. And maybe be a little better for it. I wrote a few more sentences then closed my recipe book.

My cell rang. I answered. “Girl, where the hell were you last night? I looked all over the school grounds. Then I called and left you like a hundred messages. This had better be good,” Ursula said angrily.

“What are you talking about? I was looking for you.”

“Cassie came over and said that you were in trouble and that you needed me to go to the school and help you. I got there, and it was locked up tight. What happened? Where were you?”

“Cassie called me and told me that you were in trouble. I went over to her house and then to your house. Darien and Cassie were there.”

“I know. They were there when I left to find you. They were getting high as usual.”

“Yeah, I saw that.”

“You didn’t go inside, did you?”

“Yeah, I did. Cassie left as soon as I got there.”

“Cassie is such a bitch. She’ll do anything Darien tells her to do as long as he was gonna give her a bag. You know about the fight, right?”

“Yeah”

“It was because of me.”

“What, how so?”

“When I was at your house and after Cassie left, Darien started acting all crazy. He ripped my shirt, and I hit him with some of his stupid trophies.”

Ursula broke up laughing. “Oh, yeah, I love it. You know you broke his arm, don’t you?”

“Are you kidding me?” I said, surprised.

“Nope, for real, my mom told me that’s what the ambulance tech told her.”

“Oh, crap, I know he’s pissed.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it. His time’s up.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s in major trouble. He had a concealed weapon, so his juvie pass is expired.”

I know I was probably tired but for real I had no idea what she was talking about. “Huh?”

“The cops caught him with a gun in his pants, plus
everybody told them that he was the one who pulled the knife on TB. Do you believe he actually said that TB pulled the knife on him like before?”

“Like before, what do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, before TB did go after him with a knife, but that was because of his little brother. He was so pissed at D. Anyway, they both got sent to juvie hall for that. But it’s the gun thing that got D this time. Apparently they checked, and it was used in an armed robbery and a shooting.”

“You sound almost happy about it,” I said, seeing somebody running down the street. The first thing I thought about was more trouble coming. But then the runner kind of looked familiar.

“Let’s just say I’m not mad at how it turned out. D is an asshole. He’s a bully and a joke. I’m so glad that he’s gonna be out of the house again and that ain’t about no sibling rivalry. D is dangerous and anybody hooked up with him had better back off. His dad saw it, and now my mom finally sees that. Plus some guy at the go-go said that D stabbed him.”

I wasn’t surprised. Darien was seriously headed to prison or to an early grave. It was only a matter of time. He went faster and faster with everything he did. He was mad about his life, but instead of doing something to change it, he just got madder and madder and went faster and faster.

“What about Sierra?” I asked, still checking out the runner coming down the street. I saw that it was Terrence.

Ursula laughed again. “That’s the tight part. D always had Sierra as his back. She would lie for him and every
thing. But not this time. She stepped up and nailed his coffin. She told the police everything. D is in so much trouble. Anyway, I gotta go. Oh, girl, I didn’t I tell you the best part about D.”

“You know what Ursula,” I said as I stood up and walked down the brick path to the steps and waited. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m putting all this behind me, especially Darien and his drama.”

“A’ight, sounds good to me, I might just do the same thing. I’ll call you later.” Then she hung up.

Terrence stopped running when he got in front of the house. We just looked at each other for a minute. He was breathing hard from his run, so I let him catch his breath. “So,” I finally said, “when did you start running at dawn?”

“When I started at Howard. It helps clear my head.”

“Maybe I should start, join you,” I said half joking.

“Nah, not a good idea,” he said, touching the tiny scar still on his face from where I once accidently scratched him when I ran away. “When you run, you get violent. I just saw Li’l T. He’s got a black eye.” We smiled, knowing exactly what he meant.

“You left me.”

“What?” he said, still out of breath.

“You heard me. You went off to college and left me. Everybody did—you, Jade, mom. I was alone for the first time and I was scared.”

“That’s just it, you were never alone, Kenisha. You had me, Jade, your friends and your grandmother. That’s not alone. You just chose the easy way out.”

“I know. It was a bad choice,” I said. He nodded then
looked down the street. I looked at him. This is lawn mower guy, probably the first guy to actually like me for me and not what he could get from me. He always made me feel special, and he never patronized me. We had our battles at first, but in the end, I knew that I could always count on him. I don’t know why I forgot that.

“So what now?” he asked.

“So I think maybe it’s time to slow down,” I said.

He nodded. “That’s perhaps a good idea. It’s hard, yes, but you can do it. You have plenty of support.”

“Yeah, I know I can.” I took a deep breath, “I was accepted back at Hazelhurst starting next semester,” I said, bursting to tell someone.

His face brightened. “Congratulations,” he said, smiling at me. His dimple winked, and I couldn’t help but fall for him all over again. After all, he was my lawn mower guy.

“And,” I said, considering telling him this, but decided that he’d understand and support me, “I was thinking of going back to the shrink my dad took me to before.” I began stepping down off the top step to street level. We just started walking.

“A shrink?” he said surprised. “What, you crazy now?” he joked.

We looked at each other and laughed. It was an easy moment that felt good for both of us. “Yeah, his name is Tubbs, and he’s about eighty-eight years old, but he’s cool. A little twisted, but cool.”

“He sounds perfect for you.”

“Yeah, I think so.” Actually I surprised myself when I
said that. But for real, I meant it. Maybe Tubbs was right. It’s okay to be mad at my mom, as long as I still love her. Why not? So lawn mower guy and I kept walking, strolling actually, slow and easy, like we had all the time in the world. Neither one of us was in any hurry to get anywhere anytime soon.

1. At the beginning of the story, Kenisha feels emotionally distant from the rest of her classmates. She seems troubled, and her father and friends don’t understand why. What circumstances contribute to Kenisha’s feeling of isolation? What would you suggest she do to get back to her usual self? Have you ever felt this way?
   
2. Early on in the book, Kenisha has a fight and is given one last chance to behave herself in order to remain at Hazelhurst Academy. Provoked by Chili, she lashes out. How could she have handled the situation better? Was her expulsion fair, given the warning, even though this fight wasn’t her fault? How would you have handled it?
   
3. There are several people around Kenisha who can help her through this difficult time, but she refuses to talk to them. Why do you think she closes herself off from her friends, family and Terrence?
   
4. Fast Forward
   takes place at two very different schools—Penn Hall High School and Hazelhurst Academy. How are the two schools different in Kenisha’s eyes?
   
5. Kenisha’s school records and problems follow her to Penn Hall. How would you overcome a bad reputation if you were in her situation?
   
6. Who is the antagonist in
   Fast Forward
   and how does this person manipulate others? What is this person’s motivation?
   
7. Kenisha pushes away Terrence, Jalisa and Diamond. Why do you think she does that, but allows Darien into her life?
   
8. Kenisha knows exactly what kind of person Darien is, yet she chooses to hang out with him anyway. It isn’t until things get dangerous that she backs off. Why do you think she is so tempted by his “bad boy” personality?
   
9. Some of the choices Kenisha’s made have serious consequences. How can you make sure that the choices you make are good ones?
   
10. At the beginning of each chapter, Kenisha’s MySpace entries offer insight into her life. Are there any entries that you can relate to, and why?