Fat Girl (28 page)

“Out with it, Micah.”

I rub my hand back and forth over my hair, feeling the frustration pumping through my scalp. We haven’t talked much about Dee, mainly because I never wanted to. But I see she’s not going to let this go, and maybe getting her perspective will help me sort it out.

“I had a fight with Dee last night.”

Concern purses her lips. “What did you fight about?”

“I was wound up over Dwayde’s visit with the Franklins and went to her place to discuss offering them a financial incentive to drop the case.”

“You asked Deeana to bribe them?” Disapproval colors her tone.

“I know it’s not the most ethical move, but I had to do something.”

“You can’t fix everything, Micah,” she says, her voice softer now. “You carry so much unnecessary guilt.”

“I am responsible for this mess Dwayde’s in.”

“No,
mi’jo
, you’re not. The Franklins were bound and determined to find Dwayde. If it hadn’t happened then, it would have happened eventually. Once Vittorio and Isabelle filed for adoption, there’d be a paper trail leading the Franklins straight to Dwayde.”

“Maybe you’re right.” But my guilty conscience can’t quite let it go.

“So how did Dee respond to your plan?”

“As you would expect. She took exception to me throwing my money and weight around. Dee wasn’t impressed by my image or NBA promise when we were teenagers any more than she’s impressed by my wealth and fame now.” The toughest part for me to accept is that despite how much Dee might have changed, beneath her armor, I still see the girl who loved me.

“So is that what you fought about?”

“No...I, uh, kissed her.”

Mama T’s eyes widen. “And I take it Dee didn’t welcome your advance.”

“The problem was that she did. And uh…things got out of hand.”

“Must have been some kiss.”

“Yeah, it was,” I say recalling how fast the fire had spread between us. “We both lost it.”

Mama T scrutinizes my face in a way that makes me feel like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I assume ‘lost it’ means you had sex with Dee.”

“Damn, Mama T.” A flush of embarrassment heats my face. I could talk to Rita Torres about any number of things, but sex, especially when it involved her daughter, wasn’t one of them. “Couldn’t you have at least waltzed around the subject?”

“Bah. Why should I waltz?”

“Do you really have to ask?”

Mama T bumps my leg with her knee and chuckles. “I haven’t seen you squirm this much since you were twelve and I caught you and Victor looking at
Playboy
.”

I groan at the memory of her walking in on us huddled on the floor in Victor’s bedroom with the magazine open to the centerfold.

“So am I right?” She persists.

“Not exactly.” I release an uncomfortable breath. “But close enough. Partway through, Dee questioned my motives and concluded that I was seducing her to stroke my ego.”

“Were you?”

“Yeah. Initially,” I admit. “But as soon as I started kissing Dee, it was as if everything else faded into the background and time stood still. All that existed was that moment between us.”

“Well, I’ve never before heard you speak poetically about a woman. Did you explain how you were feeling to Dee?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I didn’t get the chance. She shoved me away from her and made some accusations that riled me up. Before I knew it, I was unloading fifteen years’ worth of anger on her. The things I said were crude and insulting. But the worst part was when I found out she didn’t know about Cayo. I saw my opportunity to hurt her back and threw his death in her face. I accused Dee of deserting her family and being a coldhearted bitch. I completely leveled her. She was devastated and I just left her to grieve alone.”

“Oh, Micah.”

“I know.” I hang my head. “I’m a real bastard.”

“No,
mi’jo
.” She pats my knee. “I don’t think that. We all responded to Dee’s leaving differently. Vittorio’s way was to pretend she never existed, and he’s still doing that. The girls didn’t understand. They just wanted their big sister back. Cayo and I felt at fault for not doing enough to make her feel that she was truly ours. And you, Micah.” She leans forward to look into my downcast face. “Oh, honey, you just shut down. Drinking yourself sick. Nothing mattered to you for a long time. Under the circumstances, I think it’s normal that you wanted to hurt Dee. But I also know you’re a good man and that you went back to check on her.”

I glance up, amazed by her faith in me. “I did. This morning. That’s why I was late getting here. Dee’s two best friends were there, guarding the fort.”

“Dee has best friends?” she asks, mirroring my incredulity when I first heard about them.

“Yes. I managed to muscle my way past them and convinced Dee to talk to me. She gave me five minutes to say my peace while Jordyn and Lexie waited in another room, ready to take me apart if I made one wrong move.”

“Ah, very protective friends.” She smiles but there’s a note of sadness to it. “I’m glad she has people around who care for her. All these years, I worried that she might be alone. I’ve missed her so much.”

“She misses you, too.”

“Do you think she’ll come see me?” Mama T asks. Her voice is expectant.

“I get the impression that Dee isn’t ready to deal with her past or the reason she left. I apologized and we shared our grief about Cayo. But when I started to tell her how I still felt about her, she pulled away from me and her guard went back up. I should have expected that. It’s what she does.”

A cruel fist beats inside my chest, and hurt slips into my voice. “I don’t have much hope that Dee will let me back in her life. And I’m not sure that she’ll let you in her life either.”

“Taking a risk isn’t easy,” she says quietly, “especially when you’ve been hurt before. It was obvious to Cayo and me that you were in love with Dee for years, even though you were involved with other girls.”
Her dark eyes grow reflective and sorrowful. “We saw it in the way you looked at her. In how protective you were. But Dee didn’t wear her feelings the way you did.

“She was always so emotionally contained. It was only when you stopped coming around that week before Dee left that we started to suspect she was in love with you, too. She looked so lost, so distraught, but she wouldn’t say a word about it. The more we pushed, the more closed off she became. She reminds me of Dwayde. They pull into themselves when they’re afraid.”

I nod, recognizing the similarities. But hearing how sad Dee had been tears at me and renews my confusion. “She knew I loved her. Why couldn’t she come to me with whatever was scaring her or causing her doubt?”

“I think when you’ve been let down as much as Dee, you learn it’s safer to rely only on yourself. She never knew when her mother was going to send her away. Where she’d end up next or for how long. And the horrific way her mother died…I saw what that did to Dee.”

Apprehension prickles my spine. “What do you mean by ‘the horrific way her mother died’? Dee told me she had been sick.”

“Oh.” She startles. “I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“It’s not my story to tell.”

I take that news like a two by four to the gut. How much more don’t I know? How many more missing pieces are there to the puzzle that is Dee? “I can’t believe how little she trusted me. How do you claim to love someone and then keep vital things from them?” The angry notch in my voice causes Mason to stir, and Mama T reaches over to rock him back to sleep before returning her attention to me.

“I could say the same to you about hiding your relationship with Dee from us.”

That’s how Mama T calls me on my shit. “It wasn’t a lack of trust that kept me from telling you and Cayo about Dee. You both had done so much for me. I loved Dee. I didn’t want to keep her a secret. But I loved you both too, and I was afraid of your disapproval.”

“I know that, Micah. What I said was to make a point.”

My eyes search hers in question.

“Things are not always as they seem,” she explains. “The same way your actions were driven by something other than distrust could hold true for Dee. I don’t believe Dee is capable of deliberately hurting anyone. So I don’t judge her harshly.” Mama T takes my hand between her small palms. “And I don’t judge you harshly either for the choice you made then. But your worry, Micah, was for naught. We wouldn’t have disapproved. There is no one Cayo and I would have trusted to love Dee more than you.”

I feel my throat close.

“Follow your heart,
mi’jo
. If you still love Dee, don’t let the past or fear stand in the way.”

MAMA T’S WORDS STAY WITH me through the rest of the afternoon and follow me all the way back to Chicago.

Until Dee, I didn’t know what it was to love someone that completely. I loved my mother for the eight years I had her, and I loved the Torreses. But my love for Dee was different. She opened the closed parts in me with one look from those big, soulful eyes. She accepted me for who I was, scars and all. She made me so damn happy. Just being around her put the bright stars in my darkest nights. And when I thought she doubted my love—doubted me—I behaved like an ass. Walking away from her, angry and hurt, and then playing the aftermath by seeking solace in another girl’s body.

For fifteen years, I’ve taken the easy way out and piled all the blame on Dee for bailing. It’s saved me from having to take a hard look at my own mistakes. That’s why I fell into that dark hole. Because I knew deep down that I’d fucked up and driven Dee away.

That night outside the library, I couldn’t see past my own shit to recognize that something was tormenting her. Something heavy. And it’s still there after all this time. I saw it in her eyes today. I saw it in the way she was trying to hold herself together.

I let Dee down then by not being there for her as I had promised. But I won’t let her down this time, even though being there means putting it all on the line and risking my heart again.

I WAKE MONDAY MORNING FROM another fractured sleep with a throb at the back of my head and an ache in my chest. To escape, I roll out of bed.

I don’t want to remember what I lost.