FATED (31 page)

Whoever wrote that time was a great healer, had obviously never been in my bloody position. It hurt like hell.

The Christmas lunch was a great success, my uncle had his appetite back and the easy relaxed feel around the table was palpable.

‘OK, ladies and gents, with no further ado I bring you the Christmas pressies from under the tree.’ My uncle was very gently tapping his knife against his pint glass in order to get our full attention.

‘Frankie, as you’re the nearest, love, please pass the presents up.’

Rolling onto one bum cheek and bending down and hanging off my seat, I kept my balance by holding on to the table corner. I passed up the presents as quickly as possible. The last one was quite big and I couldn’t manoeuvre it up onto the table. My legs pushed the chair back slightly and I slipped down onto the floor. Crawling on my hands and knees I ducked under the branches of the fake spruce and looked at the written label. I felt myself breathe in as I became conscious of the fact the writing on it was Alex’s.

Frankie

I give to you, your happy place.

X

‘Come on, love, we’re waiting,’ my aunt demanded.

Carefully I pulled out the large parcel and placed it on my vacant chair. There was a smaller box too, also from Alex. Silence hit my ears as I raised my glance to the four faces sitting around the table.

‘They’re from Alex.’ I told them all, but it was fairly obvious that they were already aware of that.

‘We know, love... will you open them with us or somewhere private?’ asked my aunt.

‘Here, I definitely don’t need privacy.’ I was afraid of being alone with my feelings.

My fingers carefully brushed fleetingly over the beautifully wrapped gift, and I began to remove the paper. As it started to peel away I instantly recognised the picture underneath, it was the heart on a beach picture. The one I had bought at the second hand thrift store, in NYC, the same canvas that I had left hanging on the apartment wall when I had ran.

It wasn’t exactly the same though and on further inspection I could see it was the original print. My hand flew up to my mouth in order to stop the expletives that were threatening to fall out. I knew this had to have cost a fortune, but it wasn’t the cost of the print that shocked me, it was the trouble he must have gone to, actually sourcing the print for me.

‘Frankie love, take your hand away from your mouth girl, and show us what you’re gawping at, eh?’ I turned to see my uncle smiling at me and I very slowly lifted the striking print, and turned it towards them.

‘That’s stunning love... when you’re born by the sea it always holds great significance in your life, doesn’t it?’

‘It always has to me, yes. I can’t believe he has found this for me.’ 

‘Well we have a packet from him, too.’ I watched as my aunt wiped her knife clean with her napkin, and then slid the dinner knife into the sealed white envelope to open it. She pulled out some pieces of paper and having been unable to locate her glasses she passed them over to my uncle to read.

We all watched as he cast his eyes over the pages.

‘Jean, we’re going on a Caribbean cruise, my love.’ He smiled.

‘On a bloody what? We can’t accept that!’ She suddenly shrieked. Standing up with so much momentum her chair propelled backwards. It would have fallen over, but so small was the space in the dining room it just clattered into the old fashioned sideboard behind it.

‘Alex has given us the gift of a cruise for Christmas; he says it’s to celebrate the completion of my chemotherapy and to help with the recovery... and although I have always listened to you, my love... for once we are not turning down this opportunity to live a little.’ He picked up the papers now and gave them to my aunty, who even without actually reading the words had tears running down over her cheeks.

‘Frankie?’ She looked at me now questioningly.

‘Nope... you can leave me out of this... it has nothing to do with the situation between Alex and I... absolutely nothing. You can’t turn it down; you haven’t even been on holiday abroad, let alone the Caribbean. You two so deserve a break, you really do... So the question is not are you going, but what date do you leave?’ I was holding up my hands in indignation.

‘Hear, hear,’ put in our neighbour Norah, ‘When do you go?’

‘Sixth of January we fly out to Florida, and pick up the cruise from there, everything is paid for even a luxury limo to the airport.’ My uncle was still browsing over the pieces of paper spread out between him and my aunty.

My hands continued to move all over the second gift from Alex. I wanted to unwrap it badly, but I wanted to savour the moment. All around the table the four friends chatted about my aunt and uncle’s good fortune. As the weeks had moved on I had missed Alex terribly, my body physically ached to see, touch and hear him, and the anger I had initially felt when storming away from him had dissipated. Although we never spoke he made contact with me every day, in some way or another, and I knew that this little box was going to be the last contact from him today. I needed to hang on to the feeling of pleasure for a little longer. Removing it from view, I tucked it into the pocket of the long line cardigan I was wearing, to save it until later. My thoughts of him were broken by my aunty.

‘Did you hear what Nora just said, Frankie?’

‘Oh no sorry, I was daydreaming.’ I offered a small smile to everyone.

‘We understand, love, but I think Norah has a great idea.’

‘I was just saying, Frankie, that being this time of year our cottage in Dungeness hasn’t been rented out; most people would find the place pretty bleak in the cold weather. But I remember how much you have always loved it down there. If you like, you could go down for a couple of weeks whilst Jean and Robert are away. It would give you the tranquillity you may need to think, and you’d be doing us a favour, wouldn’t she, Bill?’ She nudged Bill. ‘The place could do with airing out, there’s plenty of food in the freezer and fuel for the fires, isn’t there, Bill?’ After being nudged again Bill nodded enthusiastically and grinned at me.

‘Do you know, I would love that, thank you for the offer.’ Their beach cottage was in an almost cut off area of South East England. It had a small community of mainly fisherman, and it was as though time had almost stood still. The community was based around a small pub. There were no proper roads and all the cottages, which had stood for many years, were made out of reclaimed railway carriages, joined together. The cottages were all grouped together in-between the two lighthouses. Nora and Bill’s was beautiful and old, yet it had modern conveniences and it held special memories for me. I had a couple of picture memories in my head of JJ and me when we were kids. The thought of revisiting those gave me a warm feeling.

That evening in my old bedroom, I sat crossed legged on a small twin bed. Slowly I peeled back the Christmas paper from the box I had kept safe in my cardigan pocket. I don’t think I had ever unwrapped anything so slowly in my life. Normally I was the one frantically ripping it away with a child like exuberance. Tonight I savoured every tear. When the lid was lifted I could smell his trade mark cologne. I inhaled sharply as my fingers found the bracelet inside. It was a silver bracelet with several charms. I studied each one carefully, lifting them up with my fingertips one by one. I found a heart with an infinity symbol wrapped around it, a rugby ball, a pair of ice skates, a pine tree, a musical note and an apple. I had to think about the last one, but it finally dawned on me that it was the big apple. The charms he had chosen obviously signified the two of us. The whole bracelet had two different coloured gem stones interspersed. One of the stones I recognised instantly as blue topaz, my birth stone, but the other I needed to look up. After searching it out on my phone I found it was a garnet, the birthstone for January. Ridiculously I knew so much about Alex, but not his birthday. I could only assume his birthday was in January. I clutched onto the bracelet for hours turning all of the charms over and over in my fingers, I felt he was trying to speak to me without words, but what he was saying I didn’t know. What had made me really happy was the fact that the charms had been put on the bracelet in such a way that a large part of it was still empty. I hoped it meant what I thought, that there was going to be other things to put on it in the future, that we had a future together.

Forty-Three

Waiting on the cobbled path, I watched as the Limo driver shut the door on my aunt and uncle. T
he grins on their faces were enormous and it was positively catching. Jumping up and down waving and blowing kisses to them, I felt happier than I had in the four weeks I had been home. The thought of them going and enjoying themselves was definitely half of it; the other half of my happiness was a feeling that I was going to see Alex soon. At least that’s what I hoped. I had spent days trying to work out the bracelet and the print I had received for Christmas. But it was his words, which he had said to me over and over again. All of them kept running through my head, he would never let me go and he would always find his way back to me, these were my constantly prevalent thoughts and I hung on to them for all I was worth.

My arms snaked around myself in a hug as I walked back indoors. All I had to do now was pick up my bag and check the house was locked, and I was good to go. Finally closing the door on my very ancient and hand me down Mini Cooper, I exhaled deeply.

‘Right, come on Frankie, you can do this.’ I started the engine and like a dream it fired up straight away. The little white car had once been JJ’s pride and joy. After his death I found he had left it to me. My aunt had been using it whilst I was in NYC and had lovingly kept it for my return.

The journey was only going to take about thirty minutes; we already lived by the sea. Although Dungeness was nearby, it was almost as though time stood still on the small peninsular. Unmade roads, no shops and one pub were all its attributes, if you were describing the place. To me though, its beauty came in the things that were much harder to find words for. It certainly wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea and quite frankly for that I was grateful. My surrogate family had always loved it. Spending time down there together, most summers, was a child’s dream; the freedom afforded to us was almost the same as children had in previous decades, and we had loved it. Dungeness had always been my flight place, when I needed to get away and think. The thrill of knowing I was actually travelling there now was humming through my veins.

Let’s just hope I had read all the signs properly and wasn’t just grasping at straws.

The journey went quickly and I remembered just in time to stock up on fresh food from the last local shop on my way. Opening the car door the smell hit me all at once; the neighbouring shop was a fish and chip shop. My stomach was moaning like my throat had been cut. What the hell, it was lunchtime. If I had a big meal now it would save me cooking later. With my few provisions bought and loaded onto the back seat of the car, I sat in the car park outside and ate the fish and chips with my fingers, out of the newspaper. It was even better than the hotdog in NYC. I’m sure if the windows hadn’t steamed up, several locals would have been able to see a shit eating grin spreading across my face.

The last few minutes of my journey completed on the very bumpy road, I pulled up outside the cottage and glanced around, some things it seemed didn’t change and that was a wonderful realisation. I braced myself for the onslaught of the wind that I just knew was coming when I opened the car door. It was as strong as I thought it was going to be, and I hung on to the door handle fiercely. The wonderful smells down here, a mixture of sea salt and sea cabbage hit my nasal passages as soon as I got out of the car. Looking up I could see the sky was grey and heavy and the sound of the huge waves crashing on the pebbles was almost deafening. My heart however, was light, and although I missed Alex with every part of my being, I felt this was, without a doubt, the right place to be.

A couple of hours later I had unpacked my clothes in the main bedroom, placed all the food in the fridge, turned on the heating and lit a fire. I was sat in a huge armchair staring at the storm brewing up in the English Channel. I was drifting between dozing and reading a book, with my legs tucked up underneath me. My mobile ringing almost made me spill my wine and I hurriedly placed it down on the table to the side of me.

‘Hello.’

‘Chocolate drop, how are you? I know, stupid question, but I need to know.’ I closed my eyes on hearing Nathan’s voice; it had some of the same tones as Alex’s. It was nowhere near as deep, but the sound had made me hope for a split second.

‘I’m doing as well as can be expected, you know?’

‘Unfortunately I do... yeah.’ I could hear him pause in deep thought now and the silence of the conversation wrapped itself around me like a cold chill. ‘He does love you, you know... he’s a stupid fucker... but he does love you.’ Tears were silently coursing their way down my cheeks and I ran my spare hand over my face to try to wipe it dry, to no avail.

‘What’s going on, Nate?’ I managed to get out, albeit around a few sniffles.

‘You know I would love to answer that for you sweetheart, but I can’t... It’s not my story to tell... I seem to remember someone I care about very much telling me the same thing not so long ago. Just have some faith in him. I know he will want to find you soon, whether you choose to forgive him is up to you... But I have a feeling you will; he really is a lucky fucker.’

‘Touché.’ I answered.

‘I didn’t not say what it is to get back at ya, chocolate drop, it’s just that it needs to come from him and him only... How is she?’ He put the question so quickly into our conversation that for a minute I thought I hadn’t actually heard him.

‘She’s OK... not brilliant, but OK... I spoke to her at Christmas... You know she feels...’ I was interrupted suddenly by Nathan.

‘DONT... please don’t say any more.’

I quickly found a different topic of conversation and we chatted away for another hour. I had really missed his companionship and quirky sense of humour. My relief was absolute when he made no mention of the job offer, as I still wouldn’t have had an answer for him. When we said our goodbyes I realised, for the first time since being down in the cottage, just how alone I was.

That evening I decided to pull on some jeans and a jumper, tidy up my hair and apply just a little mascara. A visit to the local pub was a good idea, the locals gathered there most evenings, and although I was alone I wouldn’t have to be by myself.  The walk just across the road was freezing and so blowy that twice I thought about turning around and going back to my onesie and open fire. It turned out though it was a great idea. The publican, Charlie, an older and almost beer barrel shaped guy caught me up on the small community’s latest gossip. The old chalk pits behind the pub had been turned into a wildlife reserve, a couple of the nearby cottages had been sold and someone was now doing up the old abandoned lighthouse. It was wonderful to spend some time with people I hadn’t seen in a few years.

The sunrise was stunning, as I lay in my warm bed and watched it appear in the first window of the bedroom, and then slowly crawl its way around to the other larger picture window that looked out at the ocean. I watched the rays as they gradually spread their fingers over my entire bedroom. The storm had finally passed, it had taken a couple of days and I had spent the time reading, thinking and doing a small amount of crying.

It looked like the small peninsular was at peace this morning, that feeling in turn rubbed off on my mood. I hadn’t had one sign that Alex knew I was even down here. Several times over the last couple of days I had resisted the urge to go back to my aunt and uncle’s to check if any flowers or presents had been sent there. I was pleased to think I had resisted. Slowly, day by day, I was feeling stronger than I had in years, and less broken.

After grabbing some breakfast I decided that a run was needed and being ever nosy I knew my run would take me past some of the old railway-carriage cottages that Charlie had said had been done up. My bloody nosy nature always eventually got the better of me. I wiped my face clean of mascara, deciding that my shower could wait until after I returned, pulled on an old tracksuit and let myself out of the backdoor. Before being nosy I wanted to have a run on the pebble beach, which would burn off the fish and chips and copious amounts of chocolate I had consumed in my solitude. I finally reached the cottages that had been done up. They were absolutely stunning, with a very modern turn of architecture being used on the old carriages. The old lighthouse was surrounded by scaffolding and plastic covering, I couldn’t believe it was still up after the weather we’d had in the previous few days, not that you would have thought it now, the sea was like a mill pond and you could see for miles in every direction. I made a turn for home, just noticing a small heart made of pebbles on the path in front of me. I touched it gently with the toe of my running shoes. It brought a smile to my face; obviously some children had been creative. I jogged a little further and almost fell over another much larger heart, made entirely of sticks and bits of bracken from the beach.

I stopped now to stare. My own heart was beating so hard in my chest. He was here. I spun around now and checked to see if I could see anyone watching me, but as always the place was fairly deserted, it was cold and January, not the middle of summer, but I had to check. Disappointment filled me, but fleetingly. On the way back to the cottage I found two more hearts made of different pieces of beach debris, obviously blown in on the sea by the storm.

Alex was definitely here. My body awakened like it had been in hibernation, just waiting for him. Stopping at my back door I could see a small beautifully wrapped box, my aching body instinctively broke into a small run to cover the distance. Bending down I noticed it had a small card with it. I opened the door with trembling fingers, shut it quickly behind me and ran into my bedroom. I placed the small box down on the bed and removed the card. My body was shaking, with what I didn’t know.

Was it excitement or terror?

Finally I encouraged my fingers to open the card up and read.

Frankie

I enclosed a small charm for our bracelet.

Once you see it, you will know where to find me.

I hope you will come to me

I am here for you and only you.

Please give me this chance to explain.

I love you

X

A loud cry escaped my lips, and I lifted up my hand to cup my mouth. My eyes read his words several times over. The box was lying on my bed. I fell to my knees and rested my elbows on top of the thick quilt; I needed to rest my arms in order to compensate for the shaking in my limbs. Swiftly I tore off the wrapping and opened the lid. Peering inside I could see a small silver charm, looking even more closely I could see it was a... lighthouse.

A couple of hours later I made my way towards the plastic covered building. I was wearing my warm coat over the one and only dress I had brought with me and knee high boots. My hair was done to fall loosely around my shoulders. I had bathed and shaved all over, my makeup was done to perfection, well the little I wore. Alex hadn’t seen me in a month and I wanted him to see exactly what he had been missing, it was my semblance of being in control of this meeting. He had hurt me terribly, I knew deep down it was for a good reason, but I wasn’t just going to bow down to him. I needed my facade around me. I didn’t stop walking once; I wanted to show no hesitance. My traitorous body was on fire, as it always was whenever he was near, and my heart was pounding away in my chest, like I was out running.

The old wooden blue door flew open as I reached it; he had obviously been looking out for me. There he was, my Greek God, he was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt over a white T-shirt. I realised that I was casually and probably very slowly running my gaze over the entire gorgeous length of his body. I felt my lips start to lift as a smile took over my face. He was holding the door open with one hand and offering his other to me, I took it without thinking and the familiar pulse of electricity coursed between the two of us. My whole being wanted to fly into his arms. Somehow I stopped myself and walked around him and into the lighthouse.

It was beautiful inside, warm and inviting, and done out very similarly to the cabin in the Catskills, except the wooden walls were white washed instead. White and blue were the prominent colours with the very occasional accent of yellow thrown in for good measure.  I wouldn’t have picked anything different.

‘Thank you for coming, Frankie... I was scared you weren’t going to. Will you sit down?’ I knew he was running his hand through his hair even without turning around; slowly I made my way to the deep comfy looking chair. I couldn’t risk him sitting next to me at the moment.

‘Can I take your coat?’ His fingers grazed the tops of my shoulders as he relieved me of the garment. He threw it over the back on the settee, without ever leaving me. ‘Please say something, Frankie... speak to me.’ His hands caressed down either side of my arms. They left goose bumps on my flesh. The hair on my body stood to attention. I pulled myself away from his embrace and sat down quickly.