Fearless (10 page)

I covered my face with my hands. “This is the worst night of my life.” I ducked out from under Rob's elbow and tried to walk away, but he blocked my escape.

“Jordan. Seriously. You ought to dance. Are you sure you don't want me to fix you up with someone? How about one of the little dudes in my cabin?”

At that moment, I happened to see something that made my heart feel like it really had fallen out of my chest. And then someone had stepped on it. It was now all covered in dust, lying flattened under everyone's feet.

Because I looked across the dance floor and saw that Ethan was now dancing with Kelly.

So much for waiting until he came to me. I'd been right all along. He didn't want to talk to me again. He didn't like me anymore. He'd had his eye on someone else instead.

“What's up?” Rob asked me, looking across the dining hall to see what it was I was suddenly so focused on.

“Nothing. I just want to hang out with my friends tonight, okay?”

Rob put his hand on my head before walking away. “Okay. See you later. Maybe I will go bother Madison.”

I buried myself in the crowd so Ethan wouldn't see me. Eventually Molly found me, and I told her what had happened. From where we were standing, I could see Kelly talking to Ethan at the refreshment table. Now Reb was over there too with the boy she'd been dancing with. My whole night was over.

“You should've listened to me! He probably gave up because he thought you were trying to avoid him!”

“Why would he think that?” I asked her in disbelief.

“Because, Jordan, I saw him try to walk up to you a couple of times, but you'd always run away!”

“I wasn't trying to avoid him! I was just . . . embarrassed.”

“You know that, and I know that, but how would he know that? Anyway, never mind. I'll ask a boy for you. Just point out someone you like,” Molly told me.

Why did everyone always think they had to help me get a boy to dance with me? Was I that pathetic?

“No!” I yelled.

“Fine. But you could still have fun if you'd just dance a few times at least.”

The rest of the night was majorly horrible. Even though I tried not to, I couldn't keep from watching Kelly and Ethan together. I'd always liked Kelly, and she had no way of knowing that Ethan and I knew each other from last year. But that didn't make it any easier to see the two of them talking and smiling.

A couple of times, it looked like a boy was about to ask me to dance. But I would walk away before he could get too close. I just wasn't in the mood anymore. I knew I wouldn't be any fun tonight.

When the dance was over, I was ultra depressed. We left Camp Crockett's dining hall and went outside to
get into the vans and trucks that would take us back to Pine Haven. Molly and I barely talked at all.

But once we got back to camp, we were walking up the hill together in the dark. “I have to talk to you about something,” she said suddenly.

“If you tell me another
Titanic
story, I'm going to jump overboard without a life vest,” I warned her.

“Okay, I won't. But I do want to say something to you.”

I sighed out loud. “Go ahead.”

“I just want to say this. I know you get scared sometimes, Jordan. Everybody does. But you let it get to you too much.”

I didn't say anything. Kelly, Reb, and Jennifer were walking up the hill ahead of us, laughing and talking. They'd all had a great night.

“Look, I can understand you being afraid about learning to jump. You could fall off. You could get hurt. That makes sense. And you know, last night when we were doing the skit and you backed out of it? I can understand that, too. Lots of people are afraid of getting up in front of a group. I was a little nervous doing the skit too.”

I tried to look at her, but I couldn't see her face in the dark. “You were?”

“Yeah, I was. But I did it. And I really, really wish you'd done it. Because you would've been good at it.”

“Thanks,” I said. I was really wishing now that I'd done it too.

“Anyway, I can understand you being afraid of stuff like that. But what happened to you tonight? You made talking to Ethan this huge, huge deal. And it wasn't. You really wimped out. And it's your own fault you didn't dance one single time tonight.”

“Oh, thank you so much. This makes me feel so much better, hearing this from my
best friend
.”

“Yeah, I am your best friend. Which is why I have to be the one to tell you this. You let your fear get to you sometimes, Jordan. You blow things up in your mind and make them a lot worse than they really are. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.”

“Oh, really?” I said, ultra sarcastically. It was a stupid thing to say, but I couldn't think of anything else.

“You know I'm right,” said Molly.

I refused to answer her. Because she
was
right.

I did make talking to Ethan a really big deal. I did imagine one disaster after another. Why could I always picture the worst-case scenario happening, but I could never believe that there might sometimes be a best-case scenario?

What if I'd done my Eda impersonation last night and everyone had loved it?

What if I'd gone to say hello to Ethan and he'd been happy to see me and we'd danced together all night?

I looked up at the stars. I picked out the brightest one I saw and made a wish. Just once I'd like to be brave. Just once I'd like to do something without being scared. Just once—just one time—I wish I could be fearless.

Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Trotting had a real rhythm to it—a two-beat count that you could feel. Odie and I trotted around the ring, and I rose up and down in the saddle in what felt like perfect sync with his movements. The sound of his hooves pounding against the dirt sort of hypnotized me.

After a week of lessons, Odie and I were really getting used to each other now. He didn't act all out of control and unpredictable anymore, now that I'd calmed down a lot. And it sort of made me laugh to remember how freaked out I'd been last week, thinking that he would decide to jump on his own.

“Looking good, Jordan,” commented Wayward as Odie and I passed her in the ring.

“Thanks,” I said. It came out sounding breathless,
because posting the trot was a pretty good workout.

The four of us were spread out evenly, trotting around the ring. Whitney looked great when she was posting. Although I hated to admit it, her posture really was close to perfect. Bent at the hips, shoulders back. Rising up out of the saddle, but not too far, and then coming back down in a smooth motion without plopping down on Cleo's back.

Amber looked pretty good too, but I noticed her shoulders were hunched forward, and she was pulling back on her reins too much. Molly tended to rise up way too high when she posted. It was sort of funny to watch, because she'd practically be standing in the stirrups on the upbeat. Wayward kept reminding her, “Not too high.”

“Okay, now let's work on sitting the trot. You know this is a lot bumpier, so start off at a slower pace.”

“So why are you sometimes supposed to post and sometimes not?” asked Molly.

“It's good to practice sitting the trot. It helps you learn to balance and absorb shock in the right places. You need good balance to jump, right?”

“Right!” said Molly.

So then we trotted around the ring several more times. Sitting did take some getting used to. Once you'd
gotten the hang of posting, you'd kind of naturally rise up out of the saddle. It was way bumpier sitting the whole time, and as we sped up, a couple of times I felt like I'd be bounced right off. I could feel myself getting tenser the faster we went around the ring.

“Ease up on the reins, Jordan,” Wayward reminded me. I liked how calm her voice sounded. It was nice these days not to have Madison helping out with every single lesson, analyzing everything I did wrong. Wayward seemed to know just what to do with me. She'd give me compliments when I needed them, but when I was doing something wrong, she'd be very mellow about telling me how to fix it. I liked that about her.

“Looking good!” Wayward called to all of us. “One last thing I want to work on. Go one whole time around the ring in two-point.”

Two-point position meant we had to rise up out of the saddle and bend forward at the hips. We wouldn't post, we wouldn't sit; we'd just stay in that position the whole time. It looked similar to the position that jockeys rode in, and it was tough on abs and leg muscles. Plus, it was a lot of work just keeping balanced in that position for a long time.

“I know I'm working you hard today, but you'll love
me later,” Wayward called to us.

I could hear Amber groaning a little. Molly was doing a great job. Whitney did it the best. Big surprise there. She probably loved being the top student in the class.

“Okay, let's stop there,” Wayward announced, and I sat back down in the saddle, so relieved I could finally relax my muscles.

I leaned forward and gave Odie a pat. “Good boy,” I told him, stroking his brown mane.

There were times when I still missed Daisy a little. She had such a sweet personality. But I was definitely getting to know Odie. Like whenever I murmured to him, he'd nicker back at me softly like he was trying to talk to me. And anytime we were standing still during our lesson, maybe to take turns doing an exercise or to listen to new instructions from Wayward, he'd turn his head a little to look over his shoulder at me.

It was like he was checking, “Are you still back there?” I'd give him a pat, and then he'd turn around again. I liked that about him. I always felt like he was thinking,
Just making sure you're still in the saddle
.

For the last couple of lessons, Wayward had let Whitney do a few jumps over the crossrail, and so now Molly, Amber, and I kept our horses standing in the
center of the ring so we could watch Whitney.

The crossrail Whitney was about to jump was set up at the end of the ring. There were two poles crossed over each other to form an X shape with standards on each end to hold them up. You were supposed to get your horse to jump in the center where the poles crossed together, because that was the lowest point.

“That looks so easy!” said Molly. “I bet we could jump that today, no problem at all.”

“It does look pretty basic,” I agreed. When I saw what our first jump actually looked like, I was ultra relieved because it was so low.

It was just like Molly had said. I did tend to blow things up and make them a lot worse than they really were. In my mind, I'd made jumping to be this really scary and dangerous thing. Whenever I pictured myself doing it, I always imagined my horse and me jumping over a brick wall. A really high brick wall.

Now I realized how ridiculous that was. Maybe someday, years from now, I might be able to jump over a wall, but that wasn't the way they started off beginners.

“Yeah, it looks easy, but you have to do everything right,” Amber reminded us. “You have to stay in two-point and make sure you're stepping down in your heel so your leg doesn't slide back. And you have to jump
the center of the crossrail and ride on a straight line the whole time!”

We watched Whitney make her approach. She had Cleo in a trot, and as they got close to the crossrail, she got into two-point position. Then, just like that, Cleo jumped over with no effort at all.

“See! It's simple! Nothing to it,” insisted Molly. “I wish Wayward would let me try that now. I think I'm ready for it.”

“Well, maybe not today. But we'll be doing it soon,” I told her.

Whitney rode back over to where the rest of us were waiting, and we all dismounted and led our horses out of the ring.

“Looks like Madison is keeping busy with the Juniors,” said Molly. We could see Madison helping Cara Andrews with her beginner class. She noticed us watching and gave us a quick wave, but she was too busy and too far away to come over and talk to us. I didn't mind
seeing
Madison at all my lessons. I just didn't want to have to
hear
her.

I liked the long walk back to camp, because the road was quiet and deserted. Nobody ever came down it unless they were going to or from the stables. A soft breeze rustled the leaves of the tree branches stretching
over our heads, and the sound of our boots kicking up the dust of the road had a steady beat to it.

“You make jumping look so easy,” I told Whitney.

Whitney's head was already swollen over how good she was at everything. Giving her a compliment might turn her into a human bobble-head, but she did look like a natural out there.

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” She often talked like that—really stiff and formal.

“Were you scared the first time you jumped?” I asked her.

“Not really. Jumping over low crossrails is actually quite an easy way to start out.” Whitney glanced at me. “Try not to let it scare you. Once you do it, you'll feel so much better.”