Fears and Scars (17 page)

I
’m holding
my breath as I make my way from the elevator to my desk. God, who am I kidding? I’ve been holding my breath since I opened my eyes this morning.

Each day for the past two weeks, Ryan has sent me something. And it isn’t simple flowers, no. His surprises are large—in value or meaning. The other day I received a copy of the deed for my childhood home bearing my name only. Yesterday, it was a tiny bottle full of sand from the beach where Ryan proposed. He also included an Eiffel Tower miniature replica that reminded me of the time we spent together in Paris.

Each day I’m walking down memory lane, and it’s stressing me out as well as making me anxious about what’s coming next.

I hate that I’m waiting for these mornings now. That I’m disappointed when I see my desk is clean. Nothing is waiting for me today.

It’s for the best.
I tell myself.

Because it needs to stop.

I’m not the stupid, naïve girl Ryan once knew. I won’t allow him to sweep me off my feet again, not after what he did to me—to us. It’s too late to go back now, so there’s no point in his gifts.

But even though I know I have to contact him and ask him to stop, something holds me back.

L
ater in the day
, Ana and I are standing on the corner outside of our office building and trying to hail a cab when my phone buzzes in my purse.

“Looks like we’re going to be late,” my boss states while I try to fish out my mobile. “This all-day-long sickness is going to kill me along with my business.”

Our meeting across town starts in a half an hour and is with one of Ana’s biggest clients. I’m afraid my boss is right about us being late. We tried leaving on time, but Ana lost her lunch right in her car. Seems like attempt number two isn’t very successful, either, because the cab I ordered twenty minutes ago is nowhere to be seen.

“Just wait until you hold your baby in your arms,” I tell her, swiping across the screen to accept Nina’s call.

“Is this urgent?” I ask, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder.

“Liza. The clinic couldn’t get a hold of you, so they called the apartment. It’s your grandmother. She was taken to the hospital, and they said Dr. Serov will be waiting there for you.”

All the air leaves my lungs.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

“I’m sending you the address.”

My hands are shaking badly on my way to the hospital. Ana told me not to worry about anything other than Granny and wanted to come with me, but I saw how pale she was and refused. She needs to take care of herself and the baby right now.

I open the car door as soon as the cab pulls into the emergency parking lot. Dr. Serov is waiting for me near the main doors as promised.

“She’s stable, Liza,” he tells me as I rush to him.

“What happened?”

It must be serious if the head of the clinic is here. But then again, Doc is the most caring doctor I know.

“She’s been anxious all day and then had a mild heart attack.”

“My God.” My hand covers my chest as if it’s going to keep my heart from leaping out of it.

Doc looks at me apologetically. “We brought her here as soon as possible. They’re running some tests now. Come on.”

The next couple of hours is both hectic and excruciatingly long. Doctors explain tons of things to me, I fill out paperwork, give signatures, and mostly nod. When all the tests are done and the results are back, I’m told Granny needs an open heart surgery which is risky at her age, but it’s the only option they see. It’s either the surgery or to wait for another heart attack that will likely take her life. So, I agree. I agree and then slump down in a hard waiting room chair and wait.

Every time the waiting room door opens, I snap my head up. I feel torn—equally afraid and eager for some kind of update.

When I see Nina walking in, I run into her arms. She hugs me tightly, and I cling to her, trying my hardest not to break down. Doc left ten minutes ago for another emergency at the clinic but promised to be back soon.

“It’s going to be all right, Liza. You need to stay strong, okay?”

“I’m okay.” My voice sounds scratchy as I push the lie past my lips. “Thank you for coming.”

“Always, sweets. Do you need something? Maybe coffee?”

Do I need something?
I need Granny to pull through.

I shake my head, and Nina gives me another lingering hug.

“Your Granny’s a fighter.” She tries to console me, “She’ll need you strong while she recovers.”

“If she survives the surgery,” I murmur.

“Come on, Liza. Being a worrywart won’t help anyone. She’s a tough cookie, your granny. She’s going to be fine. You look pale. Have you eaten something today?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Let me bring you a snack or some coffee.”

“Okay,” I say. I don’t want anything, but I kind of want to be alone.

As soon as Nina leaves the waiting room, I think of how different it would be if Ryan were here. I know his presence wouldn’t change the outcome, but it’d change everything for me. I imagine him holding my cold, trembling hands in his, telling me it’s going to be all right in his deep, calm voice. I imagine sitting on his lap with his strong hands around me, his familiar scent surrounding me.

I remember the day I found Snow and how supportive Ryan was while we were waiting at the vet clinic. How good it felt to have him there for me. I’m lucky to have Nina in my life, and I’m so grateful she’s always there for me, but in this despair I need my soulmate. The one who left me, the one who keeps confusing me.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I get my phone from my purse, and my fingers dial Ryan’s number, the number I can never forget. I bring the phone up to my ear and wait. The first ring echoes through my body. The second and third rings twist my insides into knots.

What the hell are you doing?
My inner voice is screaming like crazy. Before I can end the call, I hear Ryan’s strong and deep voice.

“Liz?”

God, hearing his voice for the first time in months breaks me even more.

“Baby, are you there? Are you okay?” He sounds impatient now, and I know he must be running his hand through his hair.

Baby
. He called me
baby
.

It feels like no time has passed. Like he never left me, but he did.

“Liz?” Ryan begs me to answer, and I open my mouth, but no sound leaves it.

I want to tell him I need him. Tell him all about Granny, but I can’t. He chose to follow his dreams. He told me my calls were distracting. He never came back. God, he destroyed me, so why am I calling him? To beg?

I disconnect the call with shaking fingers. Shit, what have I done?

Realization strikes me—it’s not the end, he’s going to call me back.

After I shoot him a quick message:
Sorry. Dialed the wrong number
. I turn my phone off. Very mature, I know.

Before I can process the mess I’ve just made, the nurse comes in. “Miss Williams?”

“Yeah. That’s me.”

“Doctor Novak asked me to tell you the surgery just started. It may take five hours, maybe less, maybe more. I’ll be back with constant updates, but everything looks good so far.”

I exhale in relief. “Thank you so much.”

“Your grandmother has the best team looking out for her right now, dear. Doctor Novak is an expert in his field.”

She gives my arm a quick, supportive squeeze and steps out of the room. As soon as I sit, Nina comes back with two huge cups of coffee.

“Everything fine?”

“Yeah. The nurse just told me the surgery has started.” I take a cup from my friend and take a few sips. “I just … I have this bad feeling, Nina.”

She frowns “Don’t. Please, stay positive.”

Granny is going to be okay. She has to be.

Nina slips her hand into mine and gives it a squeeze. Even though she’s hiding it well, I can see genuine sympathy and worry etched on her features.

“I’m also worried, Liza,” she eventually admits, “I get bitchy when I worry. I’m sorry. I love her too.”

“I know. Thank you.”

My eyes water and I blink a few times. I haven’t shed a single tear in months and now is not the time. I’ve cried enough to last me a lifetime and refuse to do that anymore. Tears won’t help. They didn’t bring my parents back or heal Granny. Tears won’t make it okay. They’re just a waste of time.

Stony silence drags on for what seems like hours, and I can’t take it anymore, “I called Ryan,” I confess.

“You did?”

“I shouldn’t have. I just … felt like I needed him. It’s so silly.”

“I get it. It’s okay to need him sometimes,” she replies softly.

The next four hours feel like months.

My sight remains glued on the hospital’s waiting room doors. I pray. I pray so hard, repeating each prayer I know over and over again. I beg whoever is out there for Granny to survive this. I also beg for my parents’ peace in Heaven, for strength to get through this for myself. I pray for something good for Ryan. Even though he dumped me, I wish him all the best.

When the doctor comes and says everything went well, I can’t believe my ears. I cry happy tears, hug Nina almost to death, and stay to see Granny despite everyone’s advice to go get some sleep.

It’s early morning when I’m allowed to enter Granny’s room. She looks so small in the hospital bed. I welcome the beeping and whirring of monitors and machines. They are indicators that she’s alive.

My granny is here with me, and nothing could make me happier.

“Your grandmother is stable, but won’t wake up until evening probably,” the doctor informs me, “You should go get some rest.”

After tons of coffee and excitement from good news, I’m full of adrenaline. “She’s really going to be fine?” I ask him for the thousandth time.

“Complications are always possible, especially at her age.”

“I understand. Thank you so much for everything.”

“We’ll be monitoring her closely and call you in case of any changes.” Dr. Novak closes his chart and heads out the door.

When I call the cab and kiss Granny goodbye two hours later, my heart is still heavy.

“I love you so much. I’ll be back soon,” I whisper into her hand, squeezing it gently.

My plan is to go home, change, and then run to the clinic and grab some of Granny’s things to make her stay at the hospital more comfortable. I also need to read up about her recovery. Being informed always helps.

I
’m
a woman on a mission when I hurry out of the hospital but come to an abrupt stop when I round the corner to the parking lot. A few yards away I see black town car and Ryan leaning against it with his arms crossed over his chest.

For a second I wonder if my mind somehow conjured him up. Stunned, I stare at him as if he’s a mirage. My eyes greedily drink him in.

Dressed in dark blue jeans and a white button-down, his six-foot-four-inch frame seems bigger and broader. His normally perfectly styled hair looks disheveled, and a thick stubble on his jaw makes him look darker. Despite the apparent changes in his appearance, he’s the same tall, handsome Ryan Price I met a year ago at the airport.

He is still
my
Ryan.

I run straight to him, forcing my legs to carry me as fast as they can until I’m in his arms and surrounded by safely, heat, and strength.

He holds me tight against him, raining the top of my head with kisses. His warmth seeps into my skin from his intense embrace.

We stay like this for several minutes. It’s so familiar, so amazingly perfect as if no time has passed, even though I know it did. Five long months have passed since he broke my heart, and I’ve existed one day to the next ever since.

As reality starts flowing back in, I lower my arms and pull away. Ryan’s expression is a mixture of endless yearning and infinite sorrow that mirrors the ache inside me.

“I’m so sorry about Granny. I’m glad to hear she made it through the surgery,” he says, his voice raspy. Before I can ask him how he knows, he continues, “Doc called me and told me everything. I wish I could have come sooner.”

Doc told him? Why?

“He shouldn’t have told you anything. And I shouldn’t have called you, Ryan. What … what’re you doing here?”

“You needed me here, and there’s no place I’d rather be.”

Is one text all it took for him to hop on a plane and come halfway around the globe? Why? After all this time? Is this pity or another game? Has he gotten sick of his life again?

“But you left. You never came back. You told me your dreams …” I stop and squeeze my eyes shut, feeling suddenly drained and bone-deep tired. I’ve been at the hospital for eighteen long hours, and I can’t think clearly no matter how hard I try.

When my eyes open and find Ryan’s face again, I try to ignore the pleading look he’s giving me. “I have so much explaining to do. I had to stay in New York for a while. I had no other choice, but I didn’t stop thinking of you for one second.” He shakes his head in disbelieve. “God, just looking at you, it feels like I can breathe for the first time in months.”

My heart trembles at his words but now is not the time for that.

“I don’t have time to talk right now, Ryan. I … I have to bring Granny some of her stuff from the clinic, and I need to get at least a few hours of sleep before returning to the hospital.”

“Can I at least give you a ride?” When I hesitate he adds, “You can take the car if you don’t want to be near me.”

“No, it’s fine,” I say not wanting to be rude. “A ride would be great. I just can’t have any conversation. I’m not in the right frame of mind, okay?”

“Okay,” he says opening the back door for me.

I
must be dreaming
or entered into another dimension because this can’t be true. Ryan’s right here sitting next to me; his gaze travels my face as mine travels his.

We’ve been silently studying each other for a while now as the car moves through town. The longer I drink him in, the more my chest twists.

God, seeing him is more painful than I’ve ever imagined it’d be. The distance hasn’t faded what I feel, not even one bit. I still love him like crazy, but I have so many questions: Why does he have dark circles under his eyes? Why does he look nervous? Is he here for long? Why hasn’t he opened his architecture firm like he planned? Has he been thinking of me like I’ve been thinking of him all this time?

My heart’s a huge, needy knot in my chest and it shatters into a million tiny pieces once again when Ryan admits, “I’ve missed you so much, Liz. So fucking much. You have no idea.”

His mesmerizing green eyes framed by dark, thick lashes caress me to my ruptured soul.

“Tell me you’ll give me a chance to talk soon, okay?” he pleads.

I know he doesn’t mean it, but every word from his mouth is like a razor to me because he can never take back what was done. Whatever was between us, no matter how strong, is forever gone.

I forget to breathe for a minute when I spot that his third finger still bears the ring he bought himself when we got engaged.

Why is he still wearing it?

I blink away the pain he’s created. “Why? Why are you even here, Ryan? After all this time? You …”
Broke me, left me bleeding
. “You moved on, you …”
never came back
.

“I won’t ever be able to move on, Liz.” His words bring my train of thought to a screeching halt. “I’m here because I’m still madly and desperately in love with you, and I want to be here for you if you need me.”

Moisture gathers in the corners of my eyes, making my vision hazy. With everything in me, I try to stay strong and swallow back my tears.

I look away as the first tear falls. I swipe it away, angry at myself. So many times I told myself that I’m wiser now, that I wouldn’t allow Ryan to reduce me to the mess I was after he broke up with me, yet here I am in his trap again. Why did I agree to this ride? Why am I being a silly mouse always chasing that damn cheese she has no business wanting?

“God, what am I doing? What the hell am I doing?” I ask myself out loud.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Liz. I should have—”

I cut him off harshly. “There’re a million things you should have done, but I won’t listen to any of them.” He has no right to reappear in my life when I’m raw and vulnerable like this. I won’t allow him to toy with my soul. “Just leave me alone. Tell your driver to stop the car and you just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Liz—”

I hold a hand up to silence him. “Stop the damn car!” I can’t stand another second of being in this enclosed space with him.

Turmoil churns in his eyes before he says, “I was with your brother. What I told you when I broke it off, it was all lies. All this time I was taking care of Jacob.”

“Wh-what?” I gasp.

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. His words hit me like a runaway freight train. The truth leaves his mouth and floods my body with its reality. My head shakes with stunned disbelief.

When all is said, Ryan looks apologetically at me, waiting for something while I struggle to find the right words.

Several deep breaths do nothing to squash the storm raging inside me.

How? Why? Why didn’t he tell me all this from the start?

“I need to apologize for so many things,” he says softly. “For hiding the truth about Jacob, for not being a better man, for all the lies. I should have told you everything from the beginning, but I didn’t want to see you torn. You had to stay here for you grandmother, but your brother needed help too.”

As he goes on with his reasons for keeping more secrets, the burning rage inside me clouds my thoughts completely. My throat is tight, and I can hear the blood rushing in my ears.

How dare he do something like that?

How could he overstep his place in my life like that?

How could he think he was putting me first when he was meddling with my life and breaking my heart in the process?

How, how, how … ?

Ryan’s eyes glimmer with sincerity when he admits, “There’s no doubt I should have handled things differently. I wish I recognized the mistakes I was making from the start. There’s no way to alter anything now. I’m so sorry for all the crimes I committed against us. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Rage, shock, and gratitude fills my heart in equal measures.