Fields of Grace (11 page)

L
illian stood in the center of excited female attention. All through the long voyage, the women had mostly kept to themselves, but today every woman on board, from the youngest to the oldest, took an interest in Lillian.

For today was her wedding day.

Lillian allowed the women to fuss, one smoothing the wrinkles in her dark blue dress, another tucking stray wisps of hair into her bun. Someone had unpacked a delicate lace scarf of purest white and pinned it to Lillian’s hair. She had no flowers to carry, but a blushing young woman had offered a cluster of bright ribbons tied in the middle with a loose knot. The rumpled ends trailed over Lillian’s clasped hands and lay like a sleepy rainbow against her full skirt.

While gazing down at the flurry of bright colors, the image suddenly blurred. Despite her best efforts to leave the past in the past, she couldn’t help but think of the day she’d pledged her love and life to Reinhardt. That day, her heart had been so full, she feared it would burst from her chest. Joyous anticipation had made her giddy.
Oh, Lord, how I wish I could feel . . . something . . . for Eli.
A woman should not enter into a union so beautiful and holy as marriage
with only emptiness in her soul.
She blinked rapidly to clear away the tears in her eyes.

The women, their fussing complete, stepped back and nodded their heads in approval. They knew nothing of her inner turmoil. The woman Lillian had helped to the sick bay stepped forward and cupped her cheek. “You look lovely,
Frau
Vogt.”

Lillian fought an urge to snatch the scarf from her head, toss the bright bouquet of ribbons on the floor, and confess that she did not want to marry a man she did not love. But what choice did she have? She must proceed with her plans; she must do this for her sons. Eli was a good man—a kind man who was willing to set everything aside to meet the needs of his foster brother’s family. Eli would see that Henrik went to school and that Joseph grew into a godly man. Squaring her shoulders, she staunchly lifted her chin. So she didn’t love Eli. There were worse things than a loveless marriage.

She sent a tremulous smile around the circle of eager faces. “I thank you all for your help. You have been very kind.”

Like a wave, the women moved in unison and propelled her toward the stairway. She stepped onto the deck and turned the corner to find Eli, the captain, and Henrik waiting.

The captain’s serious, chin-held-high pose brought an air of formality to the simple setting. Just as she had chosen her best dress, Eli and Henrik had donned their finest suits. Although the jackets and pants bore wrinkles from their time in the tightly packed trunks, Lillian still appreciated the touch of elegance the fine clothes provided.

A hand applied lightly to her back sent her forward, away from the supportive circle of women, and she stepped to Eli’s side. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, and then he angled his elbow for her to take hold. Her fingers trembled as they made contact. His muscles quivered beneath her fingertips, and she jerked her gaze to his face. Was he also nervous? She watched his hazel eyes drift from her head to her toes and up again. When he met her gaze, a slight smile curved the corners of his lips, forming a look of tender approval—one a groom fully in love with his bride might give.

Her cheeks grew hot, and she quickly faced the captain.

The man cleared his throat, opened a little book, and began to read. “On this day we join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony . . .”

With his hands clasped tightly behind his back, Henrik listened to the captain read the wedding ceremony. The man’s emotionless tone contrasted starkly with the myriad of feelings coursing through Henrik’s middle.

He glanced at his mother’s flushed face, and anger rose above all the other emotions. What did she think she was doing marrying
Onkel
Eli? Why hadn’t she trusted her own son to take care of her? His chest constricted painfully. He knew why. She blamed him for being on this ship—for the loss of her husband and youngest child. She didn’t want to be beholden to the one who had inflicted so much pain.

He could no longer look at Ma’s solemn profile. Jerking his head to the side, he focused on a gull that circled far in the distance, a tiny speck floating above the water.
She is only doing this out of
desperation. She and
Onkel
Eli do not love each other!

As if from a distance, he heard the captain say, “Elias Bornholdt, do you take this woman to be your legally wedded wife?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Eli said, “I do.” Did a note of eagerness underscore his response?

“Lillian Vogt, do you take this man to be your legally wedded husband?”

Time seemed to halt as Henrik held his breath, waiting for her reply.
Say no, Ma! Say no, and I will take care of you. Somehow
I will make it up to you for causing Father and Jakob to die. You do not
have to marry him!

But Ma’s airy voice proclaimed, “I do.”

A war took place in Henrik’s soul when his mother and
Onkel
Eli—no, his
stepfather
Eli—turned from the captain to face the cluster of passengers who served as witnesses. People rushed forward to shake Eli’s hand, kiss Ma’s cheek, and bestow well wishes on the newly married couple.

Henrik knew he should offer congratulations—and his blessing. But he could not. Tugging off his coat and string tie, he strode away from the merry celebration. Ma had made her decision without considering his feelings. Why should he worry about her now?

Eli dropped onto his bunk and rested his head on his linked hands. The great boat rocked gently while the boards vibrated with the pounding of the engines. Over the past weeks, his ears had become used to the engines’ roar. The sound was now a disharmonious lullaby. He closed his eyes, replaying moments from the evening’s events while he waited for sleep to claim him.

The passengers, eager for a reason to celebrate, had turned his marriage to Lillian into a party. The cook had prepared a smoked ham, slicing it very thin so everyone got a taste. One passenger brought out a violin, and several couples danced to the merry tunes. Eli had been unable to resist tapping his toes, but he knew better than to ask Lillian to dance. Mennonites did not dance.

Besides, he had seen in her sky-blue eyes the heaviness of her heart. She might have accepted his proposal, but she still belonged to Reinhardt. For years Eli had dreamed of having his own family. Of shedding the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Now he had a family—a lovely wife and two fine sons—but he still felt alone.

He sighed, opening his eyes and peering up at the underside of the bunk above his. How strange to be married yet still lying in this bunk alone. How disheartening to be married to a woman who still wore her dead husband’s ring. When they had spoken with the captain, the man had asked if they would exchange rings. Lillian had looked at the gold band on her finger as if surprised to see it there. Then she shot Eli a flustered look. He assured her it was fine to keep her familiar ring—he had none to offer. The gratitude in her eyes at his declaration had created a longing he couldn’t describe.

Yes, she bore Eli’s name, but she was his in name only.

He brought down his arms and rolled to his side. Across the aisle, Henrik lay on his bunk with his face toward the wall, presumably asleep. Eli decided not to poke him and find out if he was pretending. Frustration at Henrik’s abrupt departure after the wedding ceremony welled, but he forced the feeling down.

In watching Reinhardt father his sons, there had been times Eli believed his foster brother was unnecessarily hard on them. Especially on Henrik. Eli reminded himself that Henrik had lost much. His home, his father, his little brother, his security . . . and now, maybe in his eyes, he had also lost his mother. It would take time for Henrik to adjust to all of the changes. Surely if Eli were patient, and if he assured Henrik of his place in the family, the boy would eventually accept Eli’s new position as stepfather.

Eli’s heavy eyelids drooped, weariness finally taking hold. But suddenly Henrik rolled over, and his gaze collided with Eli’s. Immediately the boy’s eyes narrowed. Eli deliberately relaxed his face. He wouldn’t give Henrik fuel to feed the fury sparking in his eyes. For long seconds they lay, listening to the snuffles and snores of the men around them. Just when Eli thought Henrik would roll back again, the boy shot a resentful whisper across the aisle.

“The party . . . it is over?”

“
Jo
. It was a fine time. You missed eating smoked ham.” He didn’t add that Henrik had missed giving his mother a kiss of congratulations.

“I was not hungry.” Henrik worked his lower jaw forward and back for a moment. “I spent the evening with Joseph.”

The words came out like an accusation—as if Eli had no right to enjoy himself at a party while Joseph remained in the sick bay. But Eli exercised patience. “Did you have a nice visit?”

A grimace creased Henrik’s youthful face. “It is
stinkje
in that room. I wanted to bring Joseph out.”

“What did the doctor say?”

“Tomorrow.”

Eli nodded. Good. Then Joseph would enjoy one day on deck, resting and soaking in the sunshine, before they reached New York and began their journey to Kansas by train. He yawned. Once more, sleep tugged at his eyelids.

“I told him you and Ma married.”

Eli’s eyes flew wide. “What did Joseph say?”

“He is not happy. He thinks it is too soon for Ma to be marrying.”

The words didn’t take Eli by surprise. The boys were old enough to be familiar with societal dictates. In Gnadenfeld, a second marriage less than two weeks following the death of a spouse would have been too soon. But they were no longer in Gnadenfeld—they were starting a new life. He fixed Henrik with a steady gaze. “Your mother did what was best.”

“Best?” Henrik hissed the word. “It is best to marry someone we know she does not love? What kind of life is that?”

Eli drew in a deep breath. “We could not travel on together as an unmarried man and woman—we had to become man and wife or return to Russia. And we could not return to Russia.”

Even in the dim light, Eli saw Henrik’s cheeks flame red. The boy’s face contorted, but was it anger or anguish that created the deep furrows in his brow? Eli went on quietly, “As I already told you, your mother and I are suited to one another. We will all be fine together. Just wait and see.”

With a snort, Henrik rolled over, presenting his back.

Although exhausted, worry robbed Eli of sleep.
Dear Lord,
have I made a mistake?

11

O
h, look!” Joseph pointed, his eyes wide.

Eli smiled down at the boy. “
Jo
, it is something, for sure.”

Moments earlier, the cry had risen: “New York! New York!” The passengers, in a rush of anticipation, had scrambled up onto the deck. Eli stood at the rail with his arm tucked protectively around Joseph. The sun, creeping upward, lit the view by inches, making it seem as though the mighty city rose from shadows. Buildings stretched side by side as far inland as the eye could see. The ever-rising sun bathed the cityscape in gold while decorating the cloudy sky above in streaks of purple, orange, and pink.