Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (18 page)

Woman’s First Sightseeing Trip To
Times Square Ruined By Half A Million Drunk Partiers

New York, NY--The sightseeing trip
Nebraskan Vicky Long had clamored years to take became memorable in
ways she never expected when she arrived in Times Square to find a
crowd of half a million drunk partiers. “Wow, I knew this place was
popular, but this is ridiculous,” Long remarked. “This is busier
than Harvest fest.” Long was apparently oblivious to the year end
tradition of watching the ball drop, signaling the beginning of New
Year. “Gosh, it was just like tailgating at a college football
game,” Long added “but if I wanted a bunch of drunk guys hitting on
me, I could have just stayed back in Nebraska.” Long then left just
seconds before the ball dropped.

Woman Adopts Second New Years
Resolution After Immediately Breaking First

Hartford, CN--Allison Morton’s
makeshift resolution to give up sweets came shortly after breaking
her well-touted previous resolution to give up smoking. “So I
needed a smoke, bite me,” Morton declared, taking a drag. “If you
had to deal with that two-timing deadbeat, you’d be lighting up
too,” Morton continues, referring to her ex unexpectedly showing up
to the party. Morton however was quick to point out that she made
it thirty whole minutes on her smoking ban, crushing her previous
best by twenty-six minutes. “It’s baby steps, alright?” Morton
added, taking another drag. “Why don’t we appreciate the half an
hour for the achievement it is?” Morton’s second resolution soon
became her second casualty of the New Year though as she gorged on
cake upon seeing her ex grind with some blond bimbo on the dance
floor. No word yet on what Morton’s third resolution will
be.

Lonely Geek Unable To Even Secure Pity
Kiss For New Years

Oklahoma City, OK--Clark Garson’s
yearlong quest to find a pair of lips to kiss came up empty handed
last night as he was unable to scare up even a pity kiss for New
Years Eve. “I knew I should have stayed home,” Garson remarks,
deflated. “But my Mom just had to kick me out of the basement.”
Miss Garson had in fact taken this rare empty nest opportunity to
throw a celebration of her own, but that was no consolation to
Clark. “This sucks. Everyone else had someone to kiss,” Garson
complained. “This is just like high school. Well, at least I don’t
have to do anyone’s homework.” But the experience had already done
its damage, leaving a wound Clark planned to drown away with energy
drinks and intense video gaming. “I’m going to slay some
orcs.”

Wallflowers Attempt To Branch Out
Becomes Viral Video Blooper

Fort Wayne, IN--Geraldine Montrose’s
long awaited transition from introvert to extrovert had one major
unexpected result--viral video infamy. “Everybody knows her now,”
online buddy PrincessCouture7983 noted. “Of course its for all the
wrong reasons.” Just moments after Montrose shocked party guests
with a dance she liked to call “the Geraldine,” a camera phone
video of the event was uploaded to the internet, where it became an
instant sensation. “It’s so funny I almost peed my pants,” online
viewer Ursula Walters added “I gotta watch it again.” Since that
fateful night Montrose is more closed off than ever--literally.
“She hasn’t left her room in days,” Geraldine’s Mother declared.
“Not even for my homemade brownies.” Geraldine meanwhile is just
waiting for the hype to die down. “This will all blow over soon,
right?” Geraldine inquires, still in shock. “Damn, I knew I never
should have had that appletini.”

‘New Year, Same Good For Nothing
Husband’ Declares Fed Up Wife

Orlando, FL--It may be a New Year, but
for one fed up Wife that’s all that has changed. “Gil’s the same
old lazy ass,” Denise Olson remarks. “He’s always too busy watching
the game to help out.” Denise’s repeated attempts to get Gil to
empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, and mow the lawn have all
fallen on deaf ears, she says. But Gil disagrees. “Hey, I took out
the trash a few weeks ago. At least I think I did.” Meanwhile,
Denise maintains low expectations for the calendar year. “Are you
kidding? The only time he ever leaves his recliner is to go play
cards with the boys,” Denise laments “for New Years all he did was
drink until he passed out.”

‘Someone’s Gotta Take Down Those
Christmas Lights,’ Father Ruminates Aloud

Syracuse, NY--Much to his chagrin,
Father of three Steve Bartlett’s not so subtle hints are falling on
deaf ears. “These lights aren’t going to take themselves down,”
Bartlett remarks. “There’s ten bucks in it for whoever packs these
babies up.” But Bartlett’s children are too busy texting, watching
the tube, and generally pretending not to hear the bribe. “Fine,
I’ll keep the ten bucks for myself. Maybe I’ll go buy some candy
with it,” Bartlett continues, hoping to appeal to his children’s
sweet tooth’s. But Bartlett gets no takers. Ultimately, Bartlett
tries one final plea. “Alright, guess I’ll take back those
Christmas presents.” The lights were packed half an hour
later.

Retailers Rush Out Valentine’s Day
Items In Last Minute Push

USA--In a frantic move to
save Valentine’s Day from obscurity, retailers hastily put up heart
shaped displays just in time. “This is insanity. How are we
supposed to mount a four quadrant multimedia marketing campaign in
only six weeks?” one Retailer bemoaned. “You know, in the end, it’s
the public that suffers.” But Retailers attempts to rearrange the
Holiday schedule to meet marketers needs have been met with sharp
criticism. “Hey, we have to make a living too. Besides, there’s
only one major holiday between V-Day and July
4
^th
,
if we were just given the proper time to exploit every holiday, I
could finally get that second vacation home. So what do you say,
lets move Valentine’s Day back to March. Cupid deserves
it.”

New Diet Thwarted By Chocolate Chip
Cookies

Palo Alto, CA--Irene Spencer’s hopes
of a thinner waist and smaller dress size were quickly dashed as
her half day old diet came to an abrupt end at the hands of her
nemesis--fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. “Delicious,” Spencer
declared. “They’re so worth it. It’s like my own slice of Heaven.”
Spencer’s carefully planned diet of carb counting, calorie cutting,
and cardio never stood a chance, but she’s optimistic for the
future. “Hey, I polished off the rest of the cookies today,”
Spencer added, “so I’ll have no reason not to go back to my diet
tomorrow.” But Spencer has broken promises before, most notably
last New Year when her resolution diet helped her take off ten
pounds before putting twenty back on. “This time it’s different,”
Spencer remarked. “I know I’ll keep the weight off now. Woo, is
that cake?”

The End End. Nothing To See Here.
Really, The Time To Parody Has Come And Passed. Take Thee To One Of
Our Other Books. Scoodle Doo.

Other Books By Lacy Maran & Kevin
Michael:

Lacy Maran 30 Book Boxed Set

Medium Rare

Zombies Eat Wall Street

Nova Roma

Dangerous Medicine: The Cancer
Cure

Black Sheep Brother

The One That Got Away

Born Again

Banned: The Complete Series

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