Fill Me (20 page)

That came out way, way too damn civil.

I expect a sharp defense.
It was only for your own good. I was looking out for you.
The usual Ryan bullshit. But he just nods.

"That's why I'm here," he says. "To make amends."

"You could have done that in L.A. anytime in the last year or so."

"I know," he says, taking a step closer to me. "I had some business in the city, and I heard about your Broadway debut. Congrats, by the way."

"Thanks." I take a step back, until I'm pressed against the drawer of my vanity. "Did my mother have something to do with this?"

He shakes his head. "Does she even have your phone number?"

"No." The drawer is sharp against my ass. I press off it, but I'm too close to Ryan now. Only three or four feet away. If someone saw us...

"Barbara didn't call me," he says. "You really think I'd listen to her if she did?"

"You two were pretty aligned against me moving to L.A."

"She's a drunk, Alyssa. She gave up her right to look out for you a long time ago. Do you even remember how many times I had to pick you up because she had too much wine at dinner?"

"Sorry for the inconvenience." I press my nails into my thumb.

"I didn't mean it like that." He takes another step towards me. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you back then."

What. The. Hell. Ryan Knight does not apologize to anyone. Not ever.

He brings his gaze to me. It's not his usual authoritative glance, the one that says he practically owns me. It's kind. Sincere.

"I didn't treat you well. I wish I could say I had the best of intentions, but I'm not sure that I did. I didn't think about what you wanted, sweet--" He clears his throat. "Alyssa. I assumed you understood the role you were going to play, and I assumed you were okay with it."

"I was. For a while." My mouth is dry, my throat ragged. This isn't possible. This isn't happening. I dig my fingernails into the tender skin of my wrist to make sure I'm not dreaming, but it does no good.

This is happening.

"Even so," he says. "I was an awful boyfriend." He takes another step towards me. "And I want you to know, I don't have any ill will towards you. I don't blame you at all for what happened with Luke."

"You should." I'm not about to accept absolution.

"Sure," he says. "It was terrible. It was embarrassing. And, once I got over licking my wounded ego, it hurt realizing I lost you. But I didn't deserve to keep you."

I swallow hard. "Okay."

"I've been in therapy for a while now. I'm trying to improve myself, to be the kind of person you would--"

"Ryan, I'm not... we're not. Not ever." I clutch the drawer behind me, my fingers digging into its fake wood surface.

"Of course not." He says it without any ill will.

Maybe he really has forgiven me. Maybe he really is over it. But that isn't anything like the Ryan I left a year and a half ago. He was a petty, malicious guy. He was the kind of guy who would hold a grudge, who would never forgive someone who betrayed him.

I take another look at Ryan, at those hazel eyes of his. I loved him once. It wasn't the most passionate or the most romantic love, but it was something.

"I'm sorry too," I say. "I shouldn't have carried on an affair like that."

"I appreciate that."

His eyes connect with mine. I must look more alarmed than I think I do, because he softens and takes a step backwards.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to impose on your space," he says.

I shake my head, pulling my robe tighter. "It's okay."

"Are you still with Luke?"

He's so calm, so serene. But Ryan has always been collected.

"Does it matter?"

"It might." He adjusts his tie. "I only want what's best for you."

"You gave up your right to give me advice a long time ago."

"That might be true, but I worry about you sometimes."

What else is new?

My voice is demanding. "Don't."

"I hope I was wrong. I hope that he can handle, well, not handle. But, I hope he... isn't afraid of how hard it is to reach you."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I take another step back, hitting the damn vanity again.

"I know it's not my place, but I do worry about you."

"Save it for someone else."

"Alyssa, please. I did love you. I want to help."

My blood surges. So Ryan hasn't changed. He's here to tell me how to live my life. As usual. I open my mouth to scold him, to tell him to fuck off, but I bite my tongue.

I can't deny that I've considered it. I've considered that Luke really can't handle me, even though, yes, handle isn't the right word.

That he's getting tired of me, ready to give up on me.

"You worry about him too," he says.

I nod. I can't bring myself to say it aloud.

"I hope I'm wrong. I hope he loves you enough..."

"Am I really that miserable?" I ask.

Ryan takes another step towards me. He puts a hand on my shoulder. It's more friendly than anything, but there's still something so damn off about it. Like he's about to cross some line.

"No. But most people aren't strong enough to be with someone so..."

"Awful."

"Guarded."

"Are you admitting failure?" I ask. That would be something of note.

He leans towards me. Just a little bit. Just enough. "Maybe. I still think about you. I'd be willing to try and make it work."

"Why?"

"You don't have to believe it, but I did care deeply about you. I'm sure it's not the kind of love you're interested in any longer, but it was love."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

He steps backwards. I expect some kind of smug satisfaction, a lecture about how I don't know the meaning of love, how Luke is a loser who will give up on me, but Ryan looks apologetic.

"I don't want to impose. I really did come to make amends."

"You could start but not springing 'I still love you' on me."

"You deserve all the facts." He looks at the ground for a moment, then brings his gaze back to me. "I still want to protect you."

"Then where have you been the last year and a half?"

"Respecting your wishes."

I can't exactly argue. I did tell Ryan I never wanted to see his stupid face again. But he did deserve it.

It's fine. All I need to do is let him apologize. Then he'll leave and I can get on with my life.

"Well, thank you for that," I say.

"I'll leave you be." He moves back, just a little. "But I really do hope things work out for you and Luke. He may not deserve it, but you do."

"I appreciate your concern, but things are great. We're going to Hawaii. And we're engaged. I'm not sure if that ended up online, but it's true. We're engaged."

Ryan smirks. "I hope that works out better for him than it did for me."

I bite my tongue again. Whatever Ryan's intentions are, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.

"It will," I say. "Because we're honest with each other. And we love each other."

"Are you going to tell him I was here?" Ryan asks.

Ryan will see through a lie, but it's not worth explaining things to him. Luke gets jealous. Telling him Ryan showed up when things are already strained... forget about it.

"I haven't had much time to process that," I say.

He smirks. "You should stick with honesty. I know I would have appreciated that."

"We've covered that."

"So we have." He looks at me with a hint of sadness, like he really does love me. "I really do hope he makes you happy."

"We're very happy," I say. I almost believe it.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Luke

I spend fifteen minutes listening to Ellen berate Nicholas. She mentions something about Alyssa needing time to pack up since she's leaving New York tomorrow. It's not entirely believable, but I trust her enough not to question her motives.

When Alyssa arrives she's wearing a guilty look. She greets me with a hug, squeezing me much tighter than she usually does. There's something strange about it, but it's still sweet and warm.

Ellen clears her throat, turning her gaze to Alyssa. "Won't you two get enough of that tonight? Geez."

"You're just jealous," Alyssa says.

"We'll see who goes home with the hotter guy," Ellen says. She looks to the guy behind the bar, a twenty-something in a tight T-shirt.

She's been staring at him all night.

"Unless you and Luke somehow convince me I'm open to a threesome, I'm going home with the hotter guy."

"A threesome with another girl? No way."

Nicholas rolls his eyes. "Can either of you talk about something besides sex for forty-five seconds?"

Ellen looks straight at Nicholas, copying and exaggerating his eye roll as if she's mocking him. "I'm finding my truth, and my truth is all about cocks."

"Philistine," he says.

"Pretentious asshat," Ellen mutters. She sticks her tongue out and flips Nicholas off.

"Play nice you guys. This is my last night here," Alyssa says.

"For you dear, I'll consider it." Ellen makes eye contact with Alyssa. "That's a major show of friendship--that I'll be nice to Nicholas to make you happy."

Nicholas shakes his head, but he doesn't seem bothered. They must do a lot of this kind of thing.

Ellen scoots out of her seat. "I'll get the next round. Tequila shots are on me!"

She pushes out of the booth without waiting for a reaction. We don't have a choice in the matter. It's tequila shots or bust.

Alyssa scoots closer to me. She turns toward me and presses her lips against mine.

The rush of contact sends a shiver down my spine, but there's something off about it.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She nods, offering a weak smile. "There's a lot to think about." She turns to Nicholas. "How do you do this all the time?"

He shrugs. "You get used to it."

Ellen returns with the shots and hands one to each of us. "To... getting totally wasted."

Alyssa laughs, but she slams back her shot quickly. There's a certain joy to it, but there's also a desperation.

Ellen slams her shot, coughing. She shakes her head and jumps up and down. "You two--" She points to me and Nicholas. "This is a party. And a party calls for shots."

I bring my glass to my lips, tasting the first hint of tequila. I've never really been one for shots, but what the hell? I tilt my head back and swallow it in one gulp.

Alyssa leans into me, wrapping her arms around me. I turn to her, searching for meaning in her expression, but I can't make anything of it.

"Hey, you two--enough. This is a party. Stop looking so cuddly and adorable."

"Damn, Ellen. You really are jealous," Nicholas says.

"Fine. Be adorable. What do I care? It's not like this is Alyssa's last night in the city with us."

"If you want a chance to be adorable, you should probably try a second date."

"I get everything I need on the first." She sticks her tongue out.

Nicholas shakes his head. "Then why are you jealous?"

Ellen narrows her eyes. "Oh, go find some eighteen-year-old college student who will want to hear all about your truth on stage."

"You could be serious about the craft," Nicholas says.

"I am damn serious! I'm just not a pretentious fool." Ellen steps towards the bar. "You guys want to be difficult, fine. But I am going to get another drink. And I am going to have fun. You can sit here and talk about truth and cuddle and whatever. I don't care." She marches to the bar.

Nicholas turns to us. "She's always like this."

"You guys really work together that often?" Alyssa asks.

Nicholas sighs. "Unfortunately." He slides out of the booth and offers his hand for Alyssa to shake. "It was nice working with you."

She grabs his hand and shakes. "I thought you hated me."

"Everyone thinks that." He releases her grip and waves good-bye. "I'm sure I'll see you again sometime. Call me if Ellen gets too drunk. I'll take her home."

"Sure," Alyssa says. She watches Nicholas leave, then turns to me. "We can get out of here. Go back to the apartment for one last time."

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

"We don't have to analyze every little thing to death." She pulls away from me, fighting a sigh. "Okay. Forget it. I'll have another drink. We'll entertain Ellen."

"We're going to spend the next week together," I say.

"I know."

"Then we'll be back in Los Angeles. Back to our normal lives."

"I know that too," she says. She pushes out of the booth, smoothing her skirt and her blouse. "It's fine, really."

"What's up, Ally? There's something weird about you."

She shrugs, but there's nothing aloof about it. Something is up. Something is up and, as usual, she won't talk about it.

"Nothing is up," she says. "I'd rather be in bed with you than be at this party. Is that a problem for you?"

"Is that all it is?"

She shakes her head. "Forget it. I'm sure we'll be too drunk by the time we leave anyway."

Alyssa offers a smile, but it's a consolation prize, a
whatever you say
. She joins Ellen at the bar. They joke about something, laughing and whispering in each other's ears.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. This is a huge change for Alyssa. It's possible that this is stress, that this is nothing.

***

The night goes quickly. Alyssa and Ellen swap stories all night, teasing each other and professing their undying friendship. By the time we leave the bar, everyone is too drunk for sense but sober enough to get home okay.

It's dark outside, and a cold wind whips around us. The temperature is somewhere around freezing, but it doesn't faze Alyssa. She grinds her body into mine, slipping her arms under my coat, then under my shirt.

My skin burns from her touch and my body fights to take over. To convince my brain to take her into the alley, press her against the wall, and fuck her until she's screaming.