Finding A Way (38 page)

“I want to meet her.”

I stare at the phone with wide eyes, replaying the messages until I've memorized every one. She's not leaving. She isn't going to leave me high and dry picking up the pieces of my life without her.

I listen to the last message again, swallowing a lump in my throat.

“I want to meet her.”

Fuck me. Caroline isn't exactly friendly with other women. Especially women who are pissing all over what she thinks is her territory.

I make my way to the bathroom, stripping my clothes off from a night I'd gladly forget. Turning on the water as hot as it goes, I step in and let the heat burn my skin. I keep replaying the night before in my head. That message. Caroline sounded so afraid in it. She kept crying when she said the words. “
You're the father, Bear.”
I almost didn’t understand her between her heavy sobs, but the minute the word
pregnant
was mentioned, my hearing dialed up about twenty notches. Maybe I wasn't really the father. If she has been sleeping around, then there's a chance it's not mine. There's no way to tell without getting a test done, and I plan on making it number one on my checklist.

I can't believe Callie didn't run for the hills when Ryleigh told her what happened last night, but then again, in a way, it doesn't surprise me. My girl is strong. She can handle anything that's thrown at her. Which is a huge reason I fell in love with her.

I shoot her a text back, telling her when she gets home, we will call Caroline together. I'm not doing this without her by my side. I'm not fucking anything else up. I will not fuck this up.

I have a shit load of explaining to do to Callie. There are things Ryleigh doesn't even know. Things I haven’t ever told anyone, but I have to tell her. She needs to know the entire story. I have to rip open every wound that has healed inside of me over the past six years.

I need to make sure she understands.

Problem 1:
A salesman sold twice as many pears in an afternoon than the morning of that day. If the total amount which he sold is 300 kilograms, then how many kilograms did he sell in the morning and the afternoon separately?

I stare down at the paper on my desk, hoping the answer will magically appear in my head, but it doesn’t. There's nothing going on in it that could be of any use to me right now.

The only thing I can imagine is what Caroline looks like. What Mac looks like when he's with her. What they look like together. What they'll look like together when they're walking their child through the park where people will all coo over how cute the baby is.

Will they notice me, standing in the background? A third wheel to their happy family? Will they whisper about me? About how I stayed with a man who has a child with another woman? Will she move in with us? Will he move in with her and leave me all alone? What will the baby call me? Stepmom? Aunt Callie?

All the unanswered questions feel like a weight on my shoulders which are unbearable, filtering out anything that isn't centered around Caroline and Mac. My Mac. My man. That the bitch stole from me.

I mark down a slew of random A’s, B’s, and C's on my answer sheet, gathering my stuff, and dropping the exam off on the professor's desk.

"Done so soon, Ms. Matthews?" Professor Callahan asks.

"Yeah, I had a lot of time to study last night. That practice test you gave us really helped," I tell her, clearly lying.

She nods at me.

"That is great. I'll assume I have a passing exam from you then."

"I hope so Professor," I say assuringly.

She turns her attention to another student and I take it as my cue to exit the room before she finds out there is no way in hell I'm passing the exam. Truth be told, I didn't even want to come to class today. I thought about asking for a makeup, but I decided against it at last minute. The next couple months of my life will be insane, leaving me no time to study, even if I wanted to, and studying is the last thing on my mind right now.

I check my phone, seeing Mac's returned text.

I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. I didn’t cheat on you. I swear. Please come home. I need you here with me. I won’t call her until you’re here. I love you.

I’m on my way. I love you, too. See you soon.

On the way home, it snowed. Which was just freaking perfect. Nothing like being cold and wet to top off the day from hell. I open the door, welcoming the warmth which hits me as I step inside. It surrounds me, hugging me with its heat. I shake out of my coat, hanging it up next to Mac's. I hear the music before I see where it's coming from. Sam Smith's “Stay with me” pours in the house from the direction of the deck. The irony of the song isn’t lost on me before I switch my thinking cap to why it's coming from outside.

I pad toward the sliding doors, opening them to peek outside. My brow furrows. I step onto the deck, wrapping my arms around myself to keep the chill away. The snow falls quickly, leaving a thin layer behind. I watch Mac hovering over something on the deck and I’m instantly confused.

"What are you doing Mac? It's snowing," I say, stating the obvious.

He stands up, turning toward me, the drill in his hand falling to the wooden floor. I watch him closely, seeing his tired eyes looking back at me.

"Do you like it, baby?"

He steps to the side so I can see what he's referring to. Tears well in my eyes, my hand coming up to suffocate the sob which is dying to escape. A beautiful flower box now sits where Mac's beloved fire pit used to be. It's built large enough to plant an entire garden if I want to. The gesture makes my heart pump at a rapid speed, replacing the anger and hurt with love. I feel the tears that stream from my face but wipe them away quickly.

"You built me a garden," I say softly, staring into his eyes.

"I'm pretty sure the guy at the lumber store thought I was fucking nuts when I told him what I was doing with all the wood," he jokes, chuckling quietly, trying to relieve some of the tension. Mac knows how much this means to me, and although he's building it because he screwed up, the gesture still means the world.

"I want you to stay Callie. I don't want you to leave me because I fucked up. I'm going to fuck up from time to time, but I swear I’ll never screw us up this bad again. I wanted to tell you about Caroline from the beginning, but I didn't think it was important to talk about her until now."

I cross my arms over my chest lightly and wait for him to continue. Even though I heard some of the things from Ryleigh, I need to hear it from him. I'm a strong woman, but I'm nervous I can't handle what he's going to tell me. I feel that when he talks about Caroline the way I'm sure he will, with a protective tone, I won't be able to handle it. I'm afraid the stone walls I spent the entire day building will crumble to dust at both our feet.

"I'm sure you already know that Caroline was Leah's sister already, but what you don't know is I felt the need to take care of her. Leah was strung the hell out all the time, and when she wasn't, her detoxing was just as bad. She didn't give two shits if Caroline had food or a warm bed to sleep in at night. And I did. I got clean for her. I got clean to take care of her the way she needed to be taken care of. She was a young woman at that point,
fifteen
years old, just trying to take care of herself." He pauses, looking away for a second before his eyes lock with mine again. I wipe away the tears falling freely now.

"When Leah died, Caroline had nobody. Her grandparents took her in and I barely got to see her. We talked on the phone a lot, but even then, I could tell she was so fucking broken up about everything. I comforted her, and in the end it backfired. She fell in love with me. She always loved me, even when Leah was alive, but I played if off as a crush. I should’ve realized she wasn't as innocent as she played to be.

"Then she kept calling that night at the garage and I was so fucking hurt and pissed off about us so, I told her to come by. The moment she walked in the door, my head was so fucked up from thinking, I kept seeing Leah everywhere I fucking turned. It was like she was there, standing in front of me, comforting me when I needed her, but she wasn't. Caroline was."

I shouldn't feel guilt right now, but I do. It consumes me. It breathes me in. It strangles every single breath out of me. I know what it's like to hurt. I know what it's like to feel vulnerable and alone. I know what it's like to feel broken, and I know exactly how Mac must have felt that night. Little does he know, his heartache makes my heart put itself back together that much more.

"I love you." That's all I manage to say, looking down at the snow covered deck. I feel him closing the distance between us. His hand grasping my chin lightly, tilting it up in his direction.

"I love you, Callie. I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. Caroline means nothing to me. She did at one time, but now it's you. Only you. If you want to walk away, I'll let you Callie. I'll do for you, but I want you to stay, and if I have to get down on my knees and fucking beg for you to forgive me, I will. I promise you. I will never hurt you again."

I shake my head at him, trying to laugh, but I can't. The only thoughts which flood my mind are of Mac possibly having a child with another woman.

"Is it yours Mac?" I ask.

I need to know. I need to decide what comes next, and his next words will decide it all for me.

"I don't think so Callie. At first, I thought it could be, but Ryleigh went on a witch hunt. She told me Caroline has been sleeping around, and I guess she found some guys who slept with her around the same time I did. I'm gonna get a test done. Ryleigh and I racked my brain enough to figure out she's been pregnant long enough to get one this week."

I lean into him, touching our lips together softly, and speak against them.

"Is it terrible to hope it's not yours? I don't want to share you, Mac."

His hands come to grasp either side of my face, rubbing his thumb gently against my cheek.

"Baby, you will not have to share me. I'm yours. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul, It's all yours. I love you, Callie. Caroline was a mistake. She'll always be a horrible fucking mistake."

I blink away tears, wishing them away. I don't want to cry, but the love I feel for him is overwhelming. The fear of losing him to her is even worse.

I close my eyes, remembering the first time Mac and I slept together, and the way I freaked out afterward when he broke down the door. I remember the nerves that were bubbling when I locked myself in the bathroom. I remember my throat feeling as if it would close up any minute.