Finding Dell (22 page)

“I told you,” Alex whispered in my ear. He put his hand on my lower back and guided me into the waiting taxi.

“Maybe my cold’s going away,” Alex called from the kitchen. “I barely ate all day, but I’m starving now. I must be regaining my appetite.”

I left my wet boots and dripping coat by the front door and settled into a comfortable groove on the futon, my legs folded under me.

Alex entered the living room holding a plate with a ham
sandwich and he plopped down so close to me that he was practically sitting on my lap. With a free hand, he pulled a fleece blanket from the end of the futon over us. I snuggled closer to him and fought the urge to rest my head on his shoulder.

“You’re sure you don’t want a sandwich?” he asked.

I shook my head and stifled a yawn. Somewhere in the apartment the heat kicked on and a warm blast of air shot from the vents. I couldn’t imagine walking home from Alex’s apartment tonight across the cold, wet campus.

Alex lifted the sandwich from his plate. “Take a bite, Dell. Go on, just a little taste.”

He brought the sandwich to my lips and I laughed when he pulled it back suddenly, goading me with mischievous eyes. I took a mock bite of out of the air, feigning sadness when he pulled the sandwich away again.

I saw his hand drop the sandwich on the plate resting in his lap and I realized that this time his mouth was coming toward mine instead.

He stroked my damp hair and softly kissed me, his lips teasing mine as he softly fluttered his tongue against my mouth. I felt myself melt into him in a recognizable way.

“Dell,” he said, “we keep coming back to each other. Maybe that means something.” He paused and looked at me with wide eyes. “I’ve never had ordinary feelings about you because you’re not an ordinary girl.”

I briefly pulled away from his lips and forced myself to think of Cam back in his dorm room in Collier Loop. I tried to replace the cozy couch and Alex’s touch with images of the front seat of Cam’s car, his hand in mine, his searching eyes and self-conscious laugh. I wanted to feel guilty.

But instead of telling him to stop, I ran my hand down the sleeve of his plaid shirt.

“Alex . . . that poster you gave to me, it said to give you a kiss.” My voice was breathless. “What did you say for the band to autograph it like that?”

“I said I was crazy about you.”

Images of Cam disappeared like vapor and I decided to give into the moment, to the only person who mattered to me that night.

CHAPTER 24

NATALIE SAT FACING
her computer, her back turned to the door, her shoulders shrouded in a plush lavender throw blanket meant to match our carpet swatch. She didn’t turn or even glance over her shoulder when I entered the room. The lack of acknowledgment stung, but I was grateful that she didn’t quiz me on where I’d been, like she would have last year. The gulf between us, widened by boyfriends and passive aggressive comments, had grown sizable.

I didn’t say hello to her when I walked into the room, and already the tension started nagging at me.

Alex’s scent clung to me. On my walk back to Paso Fino, I felt like everyone I passed somehow knew I’d cheated on Cam, as if I gave off an aroma of guilt. But my chest tightened when I realized I didn’t feel guilty—only the anxiety at the thought of getting caught.

Eager to shower, I hurried to the chest of drawers in my closet to gather new clothes. With a justified paranoia that she could smell his cologne on me, I scrambled through the drawers,
hating that her desk was adjacent to my closet. It wasn’t my imagination that she had started clacking more loudly on her keyboard than when I’d entered the room just a moment before. Her clear, shiny nails pounded furiously on the keys and I wondered if she was typing about me.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” I said finally. “Sometimes I feel like I live in a single.” I pulled a sweatshirt off a hanger and crossed the room, tossing it on my bed.

The angry keyboard clacking continued.

Now determined, I paused in the middle of the room, clutching my shower caddy and towel. “How are things going with, um, Jerry?”

Natalie spun in her chair so quickly that the blanket fell from her shoulders and spilled to the floor.

“You know his name is Jesse,” she spit.

I raised my eyebrows. “Sorry,” I said without a twinge of regret in my voice. “I don’t see you much, so it’s hard to remember what’s going on in your life.”

Natalie flew out of her chair and I took a surprised step back.

“You don’t remember what’s going on in my life because you’re a self-absorbed bitch. All you think about is you. Guess what, Dell? The world doesn’t revolve around you.”

“You don’t have any right to say that. You don’t know anything about me anymore. And you know what? I didn’t forget your stupid boyfriend’s name. I chose not to remember it. You spend all your time with him and you’re barely ever here, but it doesn’t matter because ever since you met him, you’ve lost yourself. You lost your spark that made you fun and exciting to be around.”

Natalie shook her head. She yanked her parka from the closet and pulled it on over her pajamas. She struggled into her boots and grabbed her wallet, taking giant steps to the door.

She stopped in front of me, her arm swinging from reaching for the doorknob to an angry point at my chest.

“You’re the one who is lost right now. I don’t even want to be friends with a hypocrite like you.”

I frowned. “I might be a little self-absorbed, but I am no hypocrite.”

“A little?” Natalie scoffed. She arched an eyebrow. “Where were you last night, Dell?”

My heart pounded in my chest and I felt a flush creep into my cheeks.

“With Cam.” I thought if I spoke as few words about last night as possible, I wouldn’t betray my secret.

“Now you’re a hypocrite and a liar.” She redirected her pointing index finger to a heap beside my bed. “Cam came over late last night and dropped off your backpack. Thought you might need it for the homework you told him you were doing.”

Alarms rose in my head and I wobbled on sudden weak knees.

“Like the loyal roommate and former best friend that I am, I covered for you, and now I’m a liar, too.”

“There’s more to it than you know,” I started.

“Cheating is cheating, Dell. If you want to talk about shades of gray, go cry to Bernie like you did all last semester. I see things in black and white. And right now, I see that you lied, you cheated, and then you lied again.” She stopped at the doorway, her hand on the knob. “You’ve earned your nickname.”

She threw the door open with a clatter and rushed into the hallway.

With my shower caddy and towel still in hand, I followed her out the door and stood in the hallway calling after her. “Go, run to your boyfriend, even though you know he only likes you when he’s drunk.”

She didn’t turn back to look at me before she rushed through the door. When I refocused my gaze I realized that dozens of eyes were on me; the hallway was full of Paso Fino residents. I stepped back and slammed the door, then shoved it, hard, with my free hand. The solidity felt real under my hand so I slammed my palm against it a few more times before I realized I was crying, so I took a shower to wash off the tears and the fight and the infidelity.

At quarter to noon, I angled my body through the gusting wind toward Georgian Grande.

Normally, Natalie and I ate together after she got out of her animal nutrition class, but Ruby agreed to meet me instead. I was steadfastly avoiding Natalie since our argument.

Bouncing on her toes, her shoulders hunched to shield herself from the strong wind, Ruby greeted me with a small wave.

“My voice and articulation class got out early today because the sound wasn’t working during our lesson. It’s kind of difficult to discuss voice variables when everything is silent,” Ruby laughed as she held the door open.

After picking up our trays, I sighed when I saw the long line at the deli cart. Ruby scurried off to fill her tray with two bowls of cereal and soda, her sugary lunchtime favorite. Before I had moved in line, Ruby approached already carrying a full tray. She gestured toward the tables with a flick of her neck.

“I’ll find a spot. Come find me when you’re ready.”

I nodded and turned back to the deli cart, where a student worker was smearing mustard on rye bread and a boy with glasses pointed out the meats he wanted on his sandwich. I vaguely recognized him from a media studies class I’d taken freshman year.

Ten minutes later I gazed around the crowded dining room
hoping to catch a glimpse of Ruby. Finally, I spotted her blue scarf dangling from the back of her chair. She was sitting with Natalie and they were talking animatedly.

I shuddered with anger, a well of frustrated tears threatening to break through. I refused to sit with Natalie after everything she’d said to me, but I wouldn’t sit alone either. With a steely resolve, I marched to the conveyor belt by the exit and set my full tray down, plucking my sandwich from my plate.

As I stormed out of the dining hall, sandwich in hand, I heard a student worker yell after me.

“You’re not allowed to remove food from the lunch area!” a shrill voice called.

I fought a desire to laugh despite my urge to cry, and I wondered if someone would run after me and try to take my sandwich from my hands. I took a defiant bite and tossed my hand up in a rude gesture, not bothering to glance behind me.

Back in my room, I crawled under my sheets in bed and debated if I would attend my cognitive psychology class. I knew I wouldn’t, not after how upset I was that Ruby had chosen Natalie over me so blatantly. But it was too early in the semester to skip classes, and Helen might knock on the door to walk to Carroll Hall together. There was no way she’d miss class, not with the attention she received from Tennessee.

I lay in bed clutching my pillow, wondering how things had gotten so bad with Natalie and Cam both. Then I played back the relationships with Will and Alex in my head. My heart stung when I pictured the girl sitting on Will’s lap and remembered Alex telling me he thought it was a bad idea to be together on Halloween. As I sorted through my relationships, I realized I had ruined all of them. I truly deserved my nickname. I destroyed everyone I came into contact with.

Instead of class, I thought I’d go to Dean’s house to see if he
were home. He always knew what to say to make the situation right. When I finally pulled myself from my tear-stained pillow, I splashed water on my face and frowned at my puffy eyes in the mirror.

A knock sounded and the door creaked open. Ruby didn’t smile when she saw me at the vanity.

“My room. Now.”

I plucked a few tissues from the countertop and sighed as I walked into her room. Ruby was hanging her coat off the back of her desk chair when I entered, and Natalie was perched on the edge of the bed like she might take flight at any moment.

The tissues were already balled up in my sweaty palm and I wanted to turn around and leave. Ruby swung her desk chair around to face the center of the room and pointed to it, ordering me to sit down.

Natalie and I both hung our heads and avoided eye contact, keeping our eyes trained on the ground. I wanted to peek at Natalie, see what her expression was, but I refused to be the one to break the spell. Ruby slammed the door and we both looked up in alarm.

The normally even-tempered Ruby looked furious, holding a sheaf of papers which she waved dramatically, sending the pages fluttering.

“We are here because of this document,” Ruby announced. “I don’t care if you both want to ruin your friendship over a silly argument, but I don’t have time to look for new roommates. We have to sign this lease by the end of the week.”

Ruby put her hand on her hip and the papers rested against her sweater. She looked at me pointedly. “How are you going to fix this?”

“Me?” I squeaked.

I looked to her and to Natalie, who narrowed her eyes and
turned away. “She’s the one who called me a lying, self-absorbed hypocrite! I don’t think I need to apologize to anyone.” I exhaled quickly and crossed my arms.

Natalie jumped to her feet and started to walk out of the room. Ruby put her arm out to stop her and Natalie wavered, unsure what to do. Finally, she turned to me and stared at me for a long moment.

“I don’t understand how you could do that to Cam.”

I shook my head, my pale blond hair flying. “What I did is none of your business. But, if we have to talk about it, it was a one-time lapse of judgment. I lost my inhibitions for a moment. It has nothing to do with our friendship or signing that lease.”

“It was voluntary. You’re covering it up,” Natalie said, “and you don’t even seem to feel bad about it. That has everything to do with our friendship and the decision to be roommates again next year. You’re being selfish and untrustworthy.”

Ruby spoke quietly. “Dell, I don’t understand why you’d cheat on Cam. Think of how badly it hurt when you saw Will with that other girl. That’s exactly how Cam would feel right now if he knew. How could you do that to him when you know how tough it’s been for you to deal with that all year?”

Natalie and Ruby stared down at me and the room felt smaller by the moment. I thought about making an excuse.
I was upset. I was confused. I was not myself
.

I wasn’t being honest with Natalie, or with myself.

The tears started to flow, and I cried noisily, bunching up the crumbling tissue at my watering eyes and running nose. My shoulders shook and I wasn’t sure when I’d stop crying.

“We all make mistakes, Dell,” Ruby said, stroking my hair. From her spot at my shoulder, she turned to Natalie across the room, who hadn’t budged. “How can Dell make this better for you, Natalie?”

Natalie scoffed and looked away. “What are you, a counselor?”

“If you don’t fix this problem, Levi will have to assign you to mandatory mediation classes. I’m trying to help.”

My eyes were still blurry with tears and I looked at the digital clock and noticed it was half past two already. I had long missed my cognitive psychology lecture.