Finding Forever (25 page)

Pushing out a heavy breath, I propped my elbows on my legs, and rested my chin against my hands. “I… don’t know. I don’t know, Ren. I would love to blame Rafael and the divorce for putting all of this in motion, but really… I wasn’t happy before that.”

“Well, duh.” Renee rolled her eyes, pushing her thick veil of honey-blonde locs over her shoulder.

“You knew?”

“I sensed it. I mean, you’ve told me bits and pieces of what’s been going on with you, but we’ve been friends for years, I can tell when you’re holding back. I want the real deal.”

I let out a little chuckle. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. You’ve always been able to read me.”

“Right. So… explain. Lay it
all
out there for me.”

“Okay. It’s like…” I sat back again, with a heavy sigh. “You know I’m one of those sappy people who
loves
love. So it was natural for me to help people find it, but at the same time… man, I wanted it for myself
so
bad, and it wasn’t happening. For
years
, you know? There I was, Tori Kennedy, matchmaker who couldn’t find a man. So I said okay, forget
this
, I’m going to stop looking. Then one of my clients became a widow, and talking to her about the love she had for him made me feel like I was missing out. Then… along came Rafael, and I said okay, let’s give it one more try. Ren, I gave Rafael everything I had, tried to be the perfect — secret— wife of a celebrity, and you see how
that
shit went. So it was back to the decision to just be single.”

Renee nodded, then gave me a smile. “So you went to the Maldives with the intention of having yourself a little island fling, then going back to Dallas to work yourself to death while you pretended to be happy being single?”

“Well, I didn’t
intend
to have a fling… me and Avery just kinda happened. But the rest is pretty accurate.”

“Dummy. Did you think that was going to work? You were gonna ignore your pain away?”

“Well, once I met Avery and that
body
… the plan became to
sex
the pain away,” I laughed. “But I realize now, that was another mistake. It’s the same thing I tried to do with Rafael, and I ended up marrying… and divorcing him.”

“And Avery?”

I groaned, closing my eyes. “Avery… threw me off course.”

“Dick got your mind
gone
, huh?”

I laughed, playfully slapping her on the knee. “
No
. I mean… don’t get me wrong, it was amazing, but the connection that I felt to him had nothing to do with that. It was like I felt compelled to be close to him, and I thought I could use it to my advantage, have my little one-night-stand, and move on. But the next morning… I didn’t want to leave.”

“But then he acted a damn fool.”

“
Right
. Then, he acted a damn fool and I couldn’t get away fast enough. So I went back to my plan. I was working, and I was busy, and I was… numb.” I stopped to brush a handful of hair away from my face. “Then along came Des, asking me to work with him, to find him a woman.”

Renee jerked her head back, lifting an eyebrow at me. “So… Des doesn’t know?”

“Des does not know,” I confirmed. “She never would have asked me to work with him if she did. But, I decided to do her that favor, and Avery and I hashed out our little differences so we could work together. But, I didn’t know the connection we’d had in the Maldives was going to pick right back up, and man… every minute of time I spent with him made it more intense.”

“I
told
you it was a bad idea, Tee. I could tell there was more to you and him than you were letting on.”

I shrugged, tracing the tribal pattern of my dress with my fingers. “There was more to it than I
knew
. It started becoming somewhat hard for me to send him out on those dates, when he was making it clear he wanted to spend time with
me
. I knew I should keep my distance, but again… it was as if I
had
to be around him. And then after Chicago, I realized—”

“That you were falling in love with him.”

A fluttering sensation began in my stomach as I considered that statement. Finally, with my chin resting in my hands, I turned to her and responded. “No. Not love… I don’t think we know each other well enough for
love
, but at the same time, love doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. Whatever it is, it’s as if it lingers between us, telling me I want him around, and I want him to
touch
me. And when I do get around him, I feel energized, and I’m so wrapped up in being
there
that nothing else matters. And the sex… my God, it’s nothing like I’ve experienced with anybody else. It’s not
just
a sexual experience with him, it’s… euphoric. So it’s not love… it’s deeper than that.”

“Or…,” Renee said, leaning forward to place a hand on my shoulder. “This is the first time you’ve experienced
real
, profound love. The things you described… Tee, that’s love. How is it you can recognize it in your clients, but can’t in yourself?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know… I guess it’s just… different to experience it for yourself.”

“True. So… what makes you send the man you love into the arms of another woman?”

My mouth went dry as I let out a huff of air. “Resignation. Avery was looking for somebody who could give him a relationship, and later down the line, become his wife, maybe have kids. I had to accept that no matter how I felt about him, it would be completely selfish of me to pursue something with him, knowing I couldn’t give him what he needed. I put him with somebody who could.”

There was silence between us for a moment until Renee let out a bark of laughter. I looked at her, confused as she continued to giggle, then responded. “Is
that
the story you’re telling yourself? Girl,
please
. Don’t act as if hooking him up with Maya was all about doing something for
him
. It was selfish! You’ve never had a relationship work out, so you were scared to give this one a chance. As soon as you realized what was happening, your ass
ran
.”

“Well, I… damn. I guess… you’re kinda right.”

She lifted an eyebrow at me. “I know. But… what are you gonna do now?”

I shrugged. “He’s happy. I’m not gonna interfere with that, so what else
can
I do other than try to get over it?”

So that’s what I did, I tried to get over it. In the short term, that meant having a blast in San Diego with my sister and friend. We saw the seals in La Jolla, went clubbing, and ate Mexican food until I thought I would pop. I let them drag me to a hookah bar, we went sailing, and biking, and we people-watched at Oceanside Pier. On our last night, we found ourselves on the beach, building a bonfire in one of the fire pits.

Renee snuggled in close to her husband, giggling at something he was whispering in her ear. Melanie had found herself a young tender who looked like he belonged in an ad for Aeropostale, and I… I felt eyes on me from a distance. I looked up, staring along the beach until finally, my gaze landed on the culprit. Our eyes locked, and I watched as he continued his approach, stopping to speak to Renee and slap hands with Eric before sauntering toward me, looking every bit as sexy as he
always
had.

“Tori Kennedy. Girl, you get finer every time I see you,” he said, pulling me into a warm, tight hug as he lowered himself onto the sand beside me.

I laughed, squealing a little at the end when he playfully lifted me off the ground. “You say the same thing every time I see you, Brandon.”

Brandon Jensen was good friends with Renee’s husband, Eric. We met at one of their get-togethers when I was down for my yearly visit, and since then, Brandon always made it a point to spend as much time as he could shamelessly flirting with me. I wasn’t blind, so of course I’d noticed that he was incredibly handsome, with creamy caramel skin, heavy lidded eyes, an impeccable smile, and my personal weakness — great facial hair. It also didn’t hurt that underneath his tee shirt, there was a body that he’d constructed masterfully in the gym, covered in gorgeous tattoos. Yes, Brandon was certainly a remarkable sight

“I missed seeing your pretty face last year. Ren said you didn’t come down?”

I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t here last year. However, I’ve been in Cali for almost a week. I was
very
surprised when you didn’t stick your head in the door as soon as I arrived.”

“I was working, Beautiful. I was actually in your neck of the woods, consulting on an acquisition and merger for a friend of mine. I sure hate I’ve missed spending some extra time with you. Eric texted me, told me you guys were down here at the beach.” He was staring
so
hard, with such open admiration in his eyes it made me blush. He smirked at me, putting his dimples on full display. “If its okay with you, I’m gonna be bold for a second, and —”

I smiled, holding up a finger to interrupt him. “B, three years ago you cornered me in the bulk bins at a Whole Foods and asked me — very eloquently, so I give you credit for
that
— to let you give me oral sex. I
hardly
think you need to ask my permission to be bold.”

He cupped a hand over his face as he chuckled. “Come on, TK, why you gotta bring that up? I can’t try to be a better man? I’ve
grown
from that point.”

“Have you?”

“I
have
.” He at me for a moment before he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, then leaned slightly in my direction with a lowered voice. “You know… that offer still stands if yo—”

“
Brandon!
”

He held his hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay. I should probably get back to my point, huh?”

“You should,” I nodded.

Instead of saying anything, there on the beach, in front of the fire, with fireworks from a distant show decorating the sky, Brandon kissed me. It was a wonderfully romantic setting, Brandon was gorgeous, and it was actually a nice kiss, but… he just…

Isn’t Avery.

“Now,” Brandon said, grimacing as he pulled away, “I’ve been waiting like eight years to get up enough courage to do that, and I just knew I was gonna blow you away, but you are looking at me like you got kissed by a cousin.”

“Oh! B, no, it’s not like
that.
I’m sorry if—”

“Don’t apologize. You’re not the one who gave somebody a bad kiss.”

I shook my head, placing a hand on his shoulder as I laughed. “It’s not like
that
either. It’s just…”

“You’ve already got a little boyfriend, huh?”

“Little?”

“Any guy with a woman I want will always be her lil’ boyfriend to me. Not her
man
, her lil’ boyfriend,” Brandon insisted, barely holding back a laugh.

“You’re a dang fool, you know that?” I asked, giggling as I took a sip from my water. “No, I don’t have either of those, but I’m… getting over something, and I’m not prepared to embark on anything of a romantic
or
sexual nature right now.”

He nodded, slowly. “Meaning… someone has your heart, but he’s not yours.”

I lifted an eyebrow at him. “Yes.”

“Say it ain’t so, TK. You’re not out here robbing women for their men, are you?”

“No!” I scoffed. “I am
completely
respectful of the fact he has a girlfriend, and I would never try to insert myself into someone’s relationship! Like I said, I’m just still getting over it. Until then, I can’t get involved with someone new. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”

A triumphant grin spread over his face. “Well that puts me in the clear then, I’m not new. We’ve been flirting back and forth for almost ten years, Beautiful.”

“B, you know that’s not what I meant,” I said, laughing. “By someone new, I mean—”

“Someone who isn’t
him
?”

I nodded, and even though disappointment showed in his eyes, he smiled. “I guess I can understand that. So you’re hoping you can get back together?”

“Well, we were never together, so it wouldn’t be getting
back
together anyway, but still… no, I wouldn’t say I
hope
so. It’s more like… it’s complicated.”

“Complicated enough that I don’t have a chance?”

I shook my head. “Sorry. I hope you’re not mad?”

He shrugged. “Nah, not mad. You didn’t ask me to take it upon myself to kiss you unexpectedly, you know? I mean, yeah, I want something a little more than a friendly relationship with you, TK, but we
do
have that. I’m not so much of an asshole I can’t take getting turned down in stride. Hell, you’ve been doing it for years, I’m used to it. I’m still your friend.”

“I appreciate that, B,” I said, dropping my head onto Brandon’s shoulder.

“Alright now, don’t get
too
close. My hand might slip and grab a little something, sin—”

“If you don’t get your hands off my ass, I’m gonna—”

“Oh, shit, look at time.” Brandon chuckled as he pulled away from me to glance at his watch. “On a serious note…why have we never gotten together? You know you want me, girl.”

I turned to him to make sure he saw my exaggerated eye roll before I answered. “Well, there’s the little matter of distance, but the biggest thing is that I know you like to keep
several
women in rotation, and I’m not trying to get my ass kicked by whoever I replace. You remember the time I went bowling with you, Renee, and Eric, and the girl at the shoe rental counter threatened to
kill
me over you?”

“Why are you always bringing up the past, damn! Besides, that girl asked me what was up with you the next night.”

“What was up with me?”

“You know…
what was up with you.
”

I gasped. “Brandon! See,
this
is why I never went there with you!”

“I’m a changed man! Maybe we’ll catch each other again next year?”

“Maybe so, B.”

“And perhaps…” he leaned down, “You’ll be over your
something
by then.”

Smiling, I gave him another little nod. “Perhaps.”

“So then… possibly… you’ll take me up on that offer I made in the bulk bins that day.”

I grinned, then winked. “Possibly.”

His eyes went wide. “TK…. don’t be surprised now when I’m
waiting
for you at Ren and Eric’s house next year, and I’m gonna ask you one question, ‘are you over it?’. If the answer is yes, that ass is mine, right there in the doorway. As a matter of fact, wear a dress, no panties.”