Finding Infinity (34 page)

Finally, I take a deep breath. It calms my churning stomach, and dulls the roar in my ears.

My phone vibrates, and I pull it out of my pocket to see if it’s Aiden, and it is.

“Hello.” I don’t bother to hide my feelings.

“That bad, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

“I just landed. Should I come to the house or get a hotel room?”

“I can tell you where not to stay,” I say, with a rueful laugh. “Just come here. Charlie’s in the pool house.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asks, genuinely concerned.

“No. This one is all on me. I fucked up good this time.”

“She’ll think it through, Colin, and realize that you didn’t cheat on her.”

I laugh. If only that was my issue. “She doesn’t question that. I told her that I’d never see Jenna again. She’s pissed that I went behind her back, and that I brought the wrath of the media down on us.” I pause for a second. “Again.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. I’ve got no defense against this. I’m a fucking idiot.”

“I’ll be there shortly.” Aiden replies.

* * * *

Apparently my best friend has his own shit going on in his life, because I get the privilege of watching Aiden drink all of my bourbon that I can’t touch. While I stare across the pool, which I got married next to—looking at the place where the only woman who’s ever mattered to me is sleeping. Alone. Without me pressed against her side.

Aiden goes to bed in such a drunken state that he can barely walk and I hear him stumble up the stairs. He yells a slurred, “fuck!” as he bounces off the hallway wall. He’s going to be miserable tomorrow. I’m jealous.

I almost crutch into the pool house and crawl in bed beside her, about a hundred times. I ultimately decided to respect her wishes and give her space—although, it’s not going to last for long. She gets tonight without me, and then we’re going to make up at least enough that we’re sharing a bed. I’m going fucking crazy without her.

I’m sitting on a sun lounger, next to the pool, freezing my ass off, hoping to talk to her before she goes for her run. I’m on day two without sleep. I don’t remember the last meal that I had. Oh. Yeah. I do. It was half a chef salad at Doctor Starr’s office. I check my watch. She should be up by now.

Fuck this. I’ve given her enough space. Now it’s time for me to convince her to forgive me. I grab my crutches and hop to the pool house’s French doors. I try the handle, and they’re unlocked. I push the doors open and see her lying on the couch in a ball, sobbing. She never bothered to pull out the couch bed so she’s lying on the cushions covered in the cashmere throw we keep on the sitting room couch. Charlie looks so tiny—fragile—like a breakable china figurine that my mom kept on a high shelf in the dining room. Her body is quivering making the blanket appear to be vibrating. The choked noises that she’s making is enough to shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces.

The air is cold and damp in the pool house and there’s a faint smell of chlorine. I hate that she’s been in here all night. I had no idea that it was so poorly insulated. I would have forced her inside.

I drop my crutches and hop on one leg to get to her as quickly as possible. I sit down on the couch next to her and pull her onto my lap, tucking the blanket around both of us. I rock her gently back and forth, and kiss her forehead. “I’m so sorry. I’m such a stupid asshole.”

That makes her cry harder. “Talk to me, baby. Get it all out. I can’t stand you not loving me. I don’t sleep without you pressed next to me. I can’t eat. I need you, Charlie. I need you to forgive me. I can’t take you being angry with me any longer.”

I feel her shivering in my arms. I’m crazy mad at myself that I can’t pick her up and carry her into our warm home, and wrap her in our goose down duvet. I can’t take off her hideous pajamas and press my naked body against hers. I silently curse my broken leg for so many more reasons than just this.

I keep talking, because at least she isn’t kicking me out. “Our family arrives today. Let’s make this right before they come. This is our first Christmas married. Please, forgive me, so that we can have a decent holiday. You own me, Charlie. Just tell me what I have to do to make you forgive me, and I’ll do it.”

I feel her tears soak through my sweatshirt and dampen my chest. God, this is punishment enough. I did this to her. I’d cut my own heart out before I would make her feel this way, ever again. “Please forgive me,” I pray into her hair.

Finally, she picks her head up and says, through ragged breaths, “Just tell me why. Don’t lie to me, or tell me what you think I want to hear. Just tell me why you did it.”

God, what a loaded question. I sigh, and adjust her in my lap so she can see me better. When I do, I see her red rimmed, swollen eyes and blotchy cheeks that steal my breath. I’m positive that she didn’t sleep last night either.

I don’t even know how to explain it, so I just start talking and assume that maybe she’ll find her answers in my rambling. “Since you and I’ve gotten back together, I’ve felt like I’ve needed to clean up my past so it doesn’t contaminate our future.” I figure it’s time to put all of my cards on the table so we can move forward. “I lied to you once about having a sponsor commitment.” I watch her face fall. “I went to Houston and met with your dad.” I can see the wheels turning in her brain. She’s trying to figure out when I did this. “It was right after your thirtieth birthday party. I told him how upset you were that he didn’t show up. We had a frank discussion. Then, I met with Doctor Benson, and asked for some tips on what I could do to help you get better. My last stop was to go to your town home and get all of this.” I gesture to all of her things that surround us.

“I’m also trying to find my ex-wife and make sure that she’s happy with her money, and is going to stay in the shadows. And yesterday was about making sure Jenna remembers that she’s signed an NDA.”

“Finding out who told Kenzie was the last thing that needed cleaning. I wanted to clear Mark’s name, for my own peace of mind, but I also wanted to know who could drag more garbage out of the closet. When I found out it was Jenna, I flipped my shit. I mean, I knew Jenna was catty, but I had no idea that she’d pull some shit like this. I guess I did what Jenna and I always would do—meet at the hotel.”

“Jenna said that you and her had threesomes,” Charlie says, in a small voice. She looks away from, studying her hands. She’s ashamed to bring it up.

I adjust her on my lap, so I can see her better. “I’m not going to lie to you. We did. Honey, you have to understand that Jenna and I have a complex history. It’s not healthy, and there’s no need to sicken you with the details. Let’s just say that, for a while, she let me do things to her that I thought I needed to do. I never needed to act that way. All I ever needed was you back in my life.”

“What kind of things?” she asks.

I knew I wasn’t getting off the hook that easily. I don’t want to tell her, but I know that I have to. I know her well enough to know that she’s not going to forgive me until she’s satisfied with my answers. “Jenna never challenged me. She let me have her any way that I chose even if that meant bringing in other women—” I pause, and take a deep breath. “—like Kenzie.”

I just let that hang out there, and see what direction Charlie tries to take it. “You and Jenna and Kenzie fucked?” she asks, looking like she just tasted something very bitter.

“Yeah, and more than once. I told you that I had a past that wasn’t pretty. I thought that I needed it, but I don’t. I really didn’t need it then, either. I was just fuckin’ off. I was an asshole. I did it because I could.” I reach up and run my hand through my hair wishing that I could take a giant eraser and scrub away my past. “Look. Don’t let this ruin us, Charlie. Jenna isn’t worth it. Let’s put this behind us, and focus on what’s important. Our life, now, and our future.”

“Would you have had sex with her if I hadn’t shown up?” Charlie asks as she searches my eyes desperately for the answer.

“Absolutely not. You’re the only woman that I want and need. I almost flipped my shit when I walked into the hotel room, and she was dressed like that,” I say. Then, I backtrack, because my chest begins to tighten and my stomach does a nauseated flip. “That’s not entirely true, Charlie. When I called her and asked her to come to Dallas, she believed it was because I wanted to fuck her.”

Charlie begins to say something but stops. She opens her mouth again and closes it. My stomach clenches in anticipation of what she’s going to ask.

“Is what Jenna said true? I was just a goal for you, like winning the Super Bowl? Me and a championship were the only things that you haven’t been able to conquer.”

Just hearing those words come out of her mouth makes me feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. She thinks that I wanted her, like she was a fucking trophy? I kiss her forehead and tuck her even closer to my body. “Do you think that, Charlie? Do you really believe that’s what you’ve been to me? An unobtainable goal?”

“The thought crossed my mind when we first got back together,” she admits. Fuck! Her words are a knife through my heart. All I’ve done since we found each other again is bend over backwards to shower her with my love, and show her how much I want and need her. I don’t deserve her doubts at all.

In that moment, I wonder if we’ll ever truly be in a place where we completely trust each other. A very ugly thought passes through my head.
Maybe we aren’t just a boy and girl in love. Maybe we’re a boy and girl who have hurt each other too much to ever truly move past it.

I do my best to not sound as pissed as I feel. I grit my teeth and grind out, “I hope that the last nine months have erased any doubts that you have about my intentions. But hear this, Charlie. I will not spend the rest of my life walking around on eggshells. I love you. Fucking crazy love you. Acknowledge my love for what it is, and don’t ever fucking question it again.”

The weight on my chest prevents me from breathing while I wait for her reaction. When she doesn’t give me one, we sit there in silence for a few minutes before I say, “I’m freezing my nuts off. Can we at least finish this conversation in the warm house?”

She nods, and I reluctantly let her crawl off my lap. The absence of weight when she moves is a great metaphor for how my heart feels—hollow. She leaves her blanket and pillow in the pool house, which makes me crazy, but at least she’s coming with me.

She stops by the kitchen and grabs a cup of coffee. She sees the empty bottle of bourbon and spins toward me, disappointment etched in her face. “You didn’t.”

“Aiden,” I say, pointing upstairs. “He needed it.”

I watch relief wash over her. “Rachael?”

“Not right now, Charlie. We need to finish discussing us.”

She nods her head in agreement, and walks into our bedroom. I follow behind her, wishing that I could pull her to me and press her body against mine. Instead, I look down at my blue cast.

She snuggles into the sitting room couch, gripping a throw pillow, but I still see her shiver. I toss my crutches on the ground, and hop to the closet to grab her a blanket. When she sees what I’m doing, she jumps up. “Let me get that, Colin. You sit down.”

“I’ve fucking got this. Sit back down, and let me fucking take care of you,” I growl. “I might have a broken leg, but I’m still your husband.” Total complete overreaction, but I’m sick of being taken care of. I’m done with this shit. I might not be able to walk, but I can hop and get a blanket for my girl. I did promise to take care of her as a part of our wedding vows, and since we got married all she’s done is take care of me.

I hop to the sitting room couch, and sit down on the opposite end and tuck the blanket around her. I grab her feet, pull her socks off, and begin to warm them with my hands. Her feet feel like ice, which makes me crazy mad. Fortunately, she has the good sense to keep her mouth shut, and just let me rub them for her.

Just touching her skin lessens the weight on my chest, and I’m finally able to take a decent breath. She’s staring out the window. Her face looks serene, but her hands betray her inner turmoil. She’s using her finger to pick at a hangnail on her thumb. It takes every bit of control that I have to not lean across the couch cushions to keep her from making it bleed.

“You’ve made our house a home again.” I pause for a moment. “Thank you.” I hope she catches my double meaning. Yes, we have Christmas decorations again. But her being back inside of our house makes it a home.
She’s my home
.

She smiles a sad smile. “Brad and I had fun.”

“Does he know about what I did?”

She looks sheepish. “I told him. For the record, he’s not mad at you. He just wishes that you’d think before you act.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” I reply in a quiet voice.

We sit there in a comfortable silence; the kind of silence that only two people who really know each other can share. I’m prepared to sit there all day. She’s in my house, in my bedroom. She’s not yelling at me. I interpret this as positive.

Once her feet are warm, I begin massaging up her legs. I’m a pathetic SOB, I know that I am, but just getting to touch her again is heaven. I’m breathing again.

“Want to help me wrap presents?” she asks.

God, Charlie, I want to be wherever the fuck you are.
Instead, I reply, “Remember how I cube tomatoes? That’s about as good as I wrap presents.”

“Who normally wraps your gifts?”

A normal conversation that doesn’t involve me fucking up, or her questioning my love? I’ll take it.

“The store, Jenny, or Alice.”

“Well, not anymore, Bambi. We’ve got a closet full of gifts that need to be wrapped before our gang arrives. Let’s get to it.”

“Bambi, huh?” I say, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t approve of the nickname.”

She just smiles back at me. “It’s better than asshole, which is which is my second choice.”

I’m not an idiot. I know that all has not been forgiven. But at least she wants to spend time with me. And if it means that I have to wrap gifts all damn day just to be next to her, then that’s what I’ll do.