Finding Isadora (33 page)

“
To find a man who’s better than me.”

“
No, not better. Richard, you’re wonderful. And you deserve more too. You pretty much confessed you don’t feel passionate about me.” For the first time in my life I knew that I wanted—deserved—true passion.

“
Nor did I ever say that
passion
—by which I think you really mean lust—is important to me. We have good sex, Iz, we’re compatible in bed. And that’ll last, whereas your stupid
passion
will burn out and you’ll be left with—” He broke off and said, “Oh, fuck!”

Richard, unlike his father and my parents, rarely swore.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“
What if you don’t find this superman you’re looking for?”

I swallowed hard.
“I don’t know. I guess I start making compromises.”

“
But not now? You say you want a relationship where the partners make compromises, but you’re not willing to do that now, and sacrifice
passion
. Look at Mom and Frank. They have a great marriage but I don’t think it’s exactly passionate.”

I reflected on what I
’d seen of his family. “I don’t either, and I agree they both seem happy, but…”

“
But you still want the passion.”

“
I do.” Tentatively I reached out to touch his hand. “I truly am sorry.”

He jerked his away and we sat in silence for several minutes. I toyed with my mug but didn
’t attempt to lift it, my hands were shaking too badly.

“
I never wanted to hurt you, Richard. This is all my fault. I should have figured things out earlier, but…”

“
Yeah, you damn well should have, and I wish—” He broke off abruptly. “Oh, just fuck it. There’s no point talking. You’ve made up your mind and I’m not going to change it. I don’t
want
to change it. I don’t know you any more.”

I believed him. I felt as if I didn
’t know myself either.

Across the table, his face was a mask, hiding his feelings. Any moment now he
’d stand up and stalk out of the restaurant.

But he didn
’t. He remained sitting, staring across the room, though I guessed he saw nothing but his own thoughts. He was sifting through the information, analyzing it, deciding on his course of action. How well I knew this man. The thing I didn’t know was whether I should say something. Were there any words that could possibly make things better?

Unshed tears burned, demanding release, but I refused to let myself cry. It would embarrass Richard, maybe annoy him. He
’d think I was using tears to soften him. I bit my lip and stared down at my hands, which circled my now-cool mug of chai tea.

The waiter came by and said, rather anxiously,
“Help yourselves to the buffet when you’re ready.”

Richard
’s gaze jerked to him, and he nodded. Then, when the waiter had gone, Richard let out a lengthy sigh and finally met my eyes. “I suppose I should appreciate your honesty,” he said grudgingly. “Better to find out now than later.”

“
Are you all right?”

He snorted.
“Stupid question.”

I gazed at him wordlessly.

“God, Iz, I never saw this coming. I thought we were happy. We were going to move in together.”

“
We were. This isn’t about anything you did. You’re a terrific man. And I, uh, I really hope we can still be friends.”

“
Oh, there it is, the infamous death knell. You want to go from sleeping with me to being platonic
friends
?” He spat the words out sarcastically. “Frankly, Iz, I don’t think I can do that. I don’t want to.”

“
I understand. I know I’ve shocked you, and hurt you, but … I c-can’t…” I broke off, swallowed hard, and tried again. “I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

“
You’re not losing me, you’re throwing me away.”

Avoiding his bitter gaze, I retrieved my purse from under the table and took out the two little jewelry boxes that contained my engagement ring and the diamond studs he
’d given me. When I held them out, he didn’t make a move to take them from me, so I put them on the table in front of him. He stared down at them for a long time.

When he lifted his head, I expected him to look angry or hurt. Instead, his expression was rueful.
“Diamonds aren’t your thing, are they?”

Slowly
, I shook my head.

“
I should’ve seen that.” He shook his head. “I should have seen a lot of things. Like the fact that you weren’t happy.”

“
I—” About to say I had been happy, I realized how ridiculous that would sound to him, so I cut the words off, unspoken. “You’ll find another woman,” I said softly. “A really special one, because that’s what you deserve.”

He fingered one of the tiny boxes.
“And maybe I’ll pay more attention. Like to what kind of jewelry she prefers.”

His mood had softened. I didn
’t sense anger any more, only a pensive, reflective kind of regret. Hoping I wasn’t pushing my luck, I said, “A female friend like me could help you figure things like that out.”

His lips curved a millimeter.
“You don’t intend to give up, do you?” he asked gruffly.

I shook my head vigorously.
“No. I won’t give up on this friendship. You mean too much to me.”

“
Can you understand how damned confusing that is for me?”

“
Yes. I’m sorry.”

He studied the boxes again, for a long time. Then, in a quick gesture, he swept them off the table and into a jacket pocket.

He raised his head and gazed across the table at me. Assessingly.

I squirmed.
“What?”

“
Maybe I’ll try it,” he said softly. “Being friends. If I can get past the bruised ego. I don’t want to lose you either.”

“
Can we start tonight?”

He shook his head firmly.
“Too soon.”

“
I guess.” But I had a horrible feeling that, if we didn’t start the transition to friendship tonight, we never would. The gap between us would widen until we were the kind of acquaintances who nodded when they passed on the street, but didn’t stop to speak.

“
When you came in,” I said softly, “you said there was lots you wanted to tell me, and I’d really like to hear it.”

He studied me some more.
“And I wanted to talk about it. Damn. If I don’t tell you, I have no-one else to tell. No-one who’d care.”

“
Then tell me, Richard. Because I do care.”

I waited, and after a few more long moments, he said,
“Oh, hell. There are a dozen reasons why I should walk out, but I’m not going to.” He gave a ragged chuckle. “Besides, I’ll starve to death if I don’t eat soon. I skipped breakfast and worked through lunch.”

Just like his father, I thought. Except Richard
’s secretary didn’t take as good care of him as Gabriel’s did.

Feeling almost giddy with relief, I realized I was ravenous, too. I
’d been so nervous, the only thing I’d eaten all day was a small container of yogurt. “Let’s get some food.”

Together we lined up at the buffet, as we
’d done many times before. Tonight we were awkward, careful not to brush against each other or meet each other’s eyes.

Back at the table, we dug into the food, partly out of hunger and also, I was sure, because we didn
’t know what to say. Finally I broke the silence. “Tell me your news.”

He stared at me, his face looking tired and strained, then
he gave his head a shake. “It takes some getting used to. No wedding, no house, no kids. A friend.”

Today
’s ubiquitous tears welled again, and I blinked quickly.

Hurriedly, he said,
“All right, I have two pieces of news. The first is, I talked to Gabe about the DNA test.”

My mouth fell open. I
’d been so busy agonizing over our relationship, I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Richard had only just discovered Gabriel might not be his father. First, Diane had dropped her bombshell, then I’d made it a double whammy by calling off our engagement. Could my timing have been any worse?

Added to that, I felt underhanded, because I
’d known since Monday night that Gabriel had agreed to the test. I’d seen Richard’s father twice since the two men had last spoken to each other. Should I tell Richard? It would upset him, and I’d already done enough of that tonight. But nor did I want to deceive him. Nervously I said, “How did he take the news that he might not be your real father?”

“
He swore a blue streak and said he could throttle Mom. Guess he had a right to be mad.”

I remembered something Gabriel had said.
“He wasn’t mad at you, though, was he? I mean, he knew it was Diane’s fault, not yours.”

“
I guess.” He shoved his glasses up. “Anyhow, I told him I wanted a DNA test. I was a little surprised when he asked why, because I figured he’d want it too. So I told him about…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head bemusedly. “I wanted the test so you and I would know what we were getting into when we got married. We’d know about any genetic problems that might affect our kids.” He stared across at me, his eyes looking unbearably sad behind his lenses. “But none of that’s important now.”

The world had changed, and we were both only beginning to realize all the things that had been affected. A few minutes ago I
’d been hungry but now my stomach was churning. What I wanted most in the world was for this day to be over.

No, what I wanted most was to end the day with a realistic hope Richard and I could make a friendship work.

I leaned toward him and asked, “Do you still want the test?”

He blinked a couple of times, like he was refocusing.
“Of course. I went to the lab yesterday and Gabe said he would, too. We should have the results next Monday. Yes, I need to know who I am, where I came from.” Narrowing his eyes, he added, “I
will
marry one day. And have children, too.”

Richard
’s sharp tone suggested he wanted to hurt me, but his words actually had the opposite effect. Yes, I felt a twinge of jealousy but, much more than that, I was relieved. He was looking ahead to the future. I really did want him to find someone else and be happy with her. My mind knew that, even if my heart felt wounded by the idea. “Yes, you will.”

“
That thought doesn’t even make you jealous, does it? Damn, Iz.”

What could I possibly say to that? Likely nothing that would help, so I decided not to try.
“What did Gabriel say about the test?”

“
He agreed. Why wouldn’t he?”

“
This must be hard for him, too.”

“
Why would he care? If I’m his kid, nothing’s changed for him. If I’m not, he’s off the hook and doesn’t owe me anything. He won’t have to bother with me any more.” Although he tried to sound cynical, I could hear the pain in his voice.

Gabriel had told me he loved Richard. Why on earth couldn
’t he tell his son? “Or maybe the two of you can move on and find a new relationship.”

He cocked a skeptical eyebrow, then shrugged.
“Whatever. There’s no point speculating. I’ll get the test results, I’ll tell him, then we’ll both do whatever we want to do.”

“
You’re going to tell him?”

“
Sure. Why not?”

“
Did he ask you to? Are you sure he wants to know?”

He picked up his knife and fork and sliced into a piece of tandoori chicken, then paused.
“I never thought about it. Maybe I should ask. But I’ll tell Diane and Frank. And you, I guess, if I can get my head around this friendship idea of yours. It’s not like it’ll be a secret.”

As for secrets, I had to tell Richard at least part of the truth. After all, Gabriel might mention we
’d been talking. “I didn’t tell you, I saw your f—Gabriel this week.”

“
You saw Gabe?” He paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. “Oh, to do with Jimmy Lee’s case? How’s that going anyhow?”

“
As well as can be expected, I guess. But no, Richard, Gabriel came to the clinic. He found a dog that had been hit by a car, and brought it in.”

“
Oh? Yeah, I could see him doing that. Saving the world again. So, you worked your magic and patched the dog up?”

I
squeezed my eyes shut, remembering. “I wish. No, there was nothing I could do. The poor creature was too far gone. I had to euthanize her.”

“
Ouch.” Since he’d known me, I’d had to euthanize a few animals and he knew how I hated it. “That’s too bad, Iz.” His expression was concerned and he reached out to touch my hand, then pulled back. For a moment his sympathy had made him forget how things stood between us.