Finding June (25 page)

“Joseph, I didn’t say that,” I began, but he
brought his hand up to silence me.

“June, you know I love you. You know I always
have. You can lie to yourself and say we’re just friends and we
just like spending time together, but deep down you know it’s
always been more than that for me. And I’m really happy for you
that you’re so happy, but I can’t keep beating my head against a
wall. It hurts too much to constantly think maybe you’re starting
to love me too, only to find out that I’m still just a convenience
for you,” he said. Every word made me feel smaller and smaller.

I could say that I was shocked to hear him
say he loved me, but he was right—somewhere inside of me, I knew
that he loved me and that all of our time spent together only
intensified those feelings. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t find
the words I wanted to say. I wasn’t even sure there was anything I
wanted to say, or if there were just feelings that I couldn’t
translate into words.

“Even if you don’t love me back . . . ” he
began, his eyes beginning to water even though he quickly looked
away to try to hide it, “I don’t see how you could have forgotten
about me. I don’t understand how I could be so insignificant to you
after all of this time.”

“Joseph,” I said in a choked voice. He turned
away from me, tossing the white flower onto the sidewalk and
jumping into his car. He started the engine and glanced up at me
once with a look on his face that I would never forget, before
driving away down the street, his tires squealing against the
asphalt.

I stood alone on the sidewalk, tears
streaming down my cheeks and a sick feeling in my stomach. I tried
to justify what I had done, but couldn’t seem to find any scenario
where I wasn’t a horrible person. As I listened to the sound of
Joseph’s car fade into the night, I pulled out my phone and read
his last text message.

8:45 PM:
I guess he wins, huh?

CHAPTER 21

I didn’t see Joseph at church on Sunday, and
he didn’t pick me up for seminary on Monday or Tuesday. I couldn’t
try to corner him at school because we’d started filming the next
episode already, so I was on set all day. I called his phone during
every filming break we had and tried texting him repeatedly, but it
was like talking to a ghost. I didn’t hear even a hint of a reply
to any of my attempts. I was even starting to wonder if his phone
had died just to make myself feel better.

Gran had lectured me the night of Homecoming
about having my priorities straight and making sure I wasn’t
falling into the trap of forgetting what was important in life. I
appreciated her efforts, but honestly, she didn’t need to lecture
me. I already knew that I had messed up. I think she realized how
bad I felt, because after her little talk with me, she didn’t bring
it up again and didn’t ask any questions when she noticed Joseph
hadn’t come to get me for seminary.

I didn’t go around announcing my status as an
awful friend on set, but I think Candice, Benjamin, and Ryan could
tell something was wrong. I was pretty good at pretending like I
was listening to their random conversations and laughing at their
witty jokes; I mean, I was an actress, after all. It wasn’t
something that I found difficult to do. But even trying my hardest
to act interested in what was going on around the set, I think they
knew.

On Tuesday night as Lukas drove me to my
house, I started to wonder if everything Joseph had said about him
was right. That night after work, Lukas had taken me out to dinner
at a nice restaurant. He had said all the right things and acted
interested in anything I said, but now that I was starting to see
what a good little actress I could be in everyday situations, I
couldn’t help but notice the way Lukas
always
said the right
thing. I was starting to find it hard to believe that he really
agreed with each word I spoke.

When we left the restaurant to get into
Lukas's car, (he had opted to drive his sports car today rather
than his motorcycle) he lingered in front of the paparazzi, letting
them snap pictures of us and holding me close. For some reason, it
was all starting to feel less and less like a dream come true and
more like a scene in the show. But that just had to be my crazy
guilt over Joseph talking. This was everything I had always wanted,
wasn’t it?

We drove to my house in silence. I couldn’t
really think of anything I wanted to say, and it bothered me that
Lukas never asked what had happened with Joseph that night. In my
normal star struck state, I would say that Lukas was being a
gentleman and wanted to protect my feelings. But now I was
beginning to think he really didn’t care what had happened between
Joseph and me because it didn’t serve whatever purpose he was
trying to achieve with this relationship. Then again, maybe I was
being too hard on poor Lukas. Just because I had turned out to be a
horrible person didn’t mean everyone else in the world was too.

When we reached my street, Lukas parked his
car at the sidewalk in front of my house rather than in the
driveway. He kept the car running with its mellow music playing
quietly in the background as he turned to me. I could see in his
eyes that he was about to tell me something serious, and for just a
moment I forgot all of my worrying about how awful I had been to
Joseph. Maybe Lukas was about to tell me just how much he needed me
in his life and how he couldn’t believe he’d lived in a world
without me in it. No. Wait . . . that was a line from one of his
movies. So scratch that. I didn’t want him to repeat his scripted
lines to me. But maybe he was going to tell me something to that
same effect?

“June, you’re a beautiful girl,” he said
finally, when I felt like I couldn’t take the suspense any longer.
Even in my stressed state I could appreciate the incredible-ness of
what he, Lukas Leighton, huge Hollywood star, had just said to me.
“There’s no point in denying it. I like you. And I think you like
me too.”

I was going to try to respond in the
affirmative to his statement, but my voice seemed to be rebelling
against me so I nodded mutely.

Lukas opened his mouth like he was about to
utter some other magical statement, but then he stopped, as if
thinking better of it. Instead, he leaned toward me and slowly
brought his lips to mine. To say that I almost had a heart attack
would be a huge understatement. Lukas Leighton was kissing
me
—June Laurie: unimpressive high school student. The kiss
was deep and experienced, if not a little awkward due to the
armrest between us. I tried to twist in my seat so that I was at
least sort of facing him and not just straining my neck in an
attempt to kiss the most beautiful, famous guy there was.

Even though it was crazy, for some odd reason
I couldn’t get my mixed-up mind to stop comparing this kiss to the
one I had shared with Joseph while we rehearsed our skit together.
Even though Lukas’s kiss was like kissing someone who had gotten a
doctorate in making out, it wasn’t as . . . what is the word I'm
looking for? It wasn't as . . . meaningful. It didn’t quite feel as
heartfelt and utterly special as it did when I kissed Joseph. I
couldn’t believe that I was even thinking this, but at that moment,
I would almost rather be kissing my best friend who I had always
claimed I didn’t have feelings for, than Lukas Leighton (who every
girl wished they could kiss).

Even with this confusing revelation passing
through my mind, I couldn’t deny that kissing Lukas was like
fulfilling a guilty pleasure. I was kissing the most eligible
bachelor in Hollywood, even though I was starting to suspect that
the rumors about him being a huge jerk were less like rumors and
more like well-tested truths. As Lukas kissed me, he brought his
hand to my waist (which I’m not quite sure how he managed in our
awkward position). His kiss was getting hungrier and more intense,
making me feel like we were definitely not on the same page right
at that moment.

And then it happened: confirmation that Ryan,
and Candice, and Benjamin, and Joseph had been spot-on.

Lukas was slowly trailing his hand from my
waist upward to a place he definitely wasn’t allowed to be. I
grabbed his hand before he could claim his grand title of, "creepy
older guy trying to get to second base with an inexperienced and
naive younger girl." I instantly pulled away from him and gave him
a puzzled look, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I had misunderstood
his intentions.

“What are you doing?” I asked, my eyes full
of unspoken accusation.

“Are you serious?” he asked in return, giving
a short laugh and looking at me like I had just said something very
funny. “Is it because we’re in front of your house? We can go back
to my place if you want. Actually, that would probably be better.
More comfortable,” he said, pulling away from me to put his car
into gear.

“Wait,” I exclaimed, stopping him before he
pulled away from the house. “I don’t think you’re understanding
what I’m saying. That’s
not
okay.” I tried to sound tough
and resolute, but my voice just sounded shaky and weird. I could
feel my hands trembling, partly because I was shocked that Lukas
had turned into a creeper in my eyes, partly because I was
genuinely nervous that I was telling him something no one had
probably ever told him before, and mostly because everyone had been
right. I had been the naïve one all along. It was a hard
realization to come to; I won’t deny it.

“What do you mean it’s not okay?” he asked. I
had to hand it to him—he still sounded honestly confused, as if he
couldn’t grasp the fact that someone wouldn’t want him to feel them
up in his car. Very classy, Lukas.

“What, haven’t you ever heard of someone
having standards?” I asked, my voice sounding a bit stronger now
that I was beginning to realize that losing Lukas Leighton’s
affections might not be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

“Are you kidding? What are you, five years
old? It’s just sex. It’s not that big of a deal!” he exclaimed,
sounding angry now that he fully understood what I was saying.

My mouth dropped open in shock. Here I had
thought he was just kind of a dirtbag, but now that I knew what he
really
wanted to do, I was fully convinced of his
off-the-scale dirtbag level.

“You were seriously going to try to sleep
with me in your car? In front of my grandma’s house?” I asked, my
voice much louder than I had intended. “That’s the most disgusting
thing I’ve ever heard." My whole "old fashioned" obsession had been
based on a love of class, and this scenario was probably the least
classy thing I could have imagined. Apparently Lukas wasn’t big on
romance—he was big on making a girl feel like he was romantic and
caring so that they would sleep with him in his stupid expensive
car while listening to cheesy pseudo-alternative music. Gross.

“You do realize who you’re turning down,
right?” he said after a moment of thought.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s
back. How had he changed so quickly?

“You’re disgusting, and conceited, and kind
of an idiot. I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last person
on earth,” I said slowly and seriously as I unbuckled my seatbelt
and climbed out of the car. “Thanks for a great night,” I said
cheerfully, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I slammed the door
and stormed up to the house.

I felt like every nerve in my body was
standing on high alert as Lukas tore off down the street. I was so
completely indignant that he really thought I was that cheap. Did I
give off the vibe that I would actually do something like that? The
worst part about it was that everyone else had so clearly seen what
I had been trying to deny the entire time: Lukas was a huge
jerk.

I felt one hot tear slide down my cheek,
though I wasn’t really sad. At all. I was mostly brimming with
adrenaline and kicking myself for not saying the millions of witty
comebacks that were now traveling through my brain at light speed.
At least I had managed to sort of put him in his place and let him
know he couldn’t have everything he wanted.

As I stomped up the stairs to my bedroom, I
heard Gran asking me what was wrong from the kitchen.

“Lukas Leighton is the biggest creeper
alive,” I shouted down to her.

“I could have told you that, Bliss,” she
called back up. “In fact, I think I did . . . several times.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said huffily, plopping
myself down on my bed and instinctively pulling out my phone to
call Joseph. As my thumb went to dial his number, I stopped,
remembering why I had been so upset these past few days. I wondered
if it would help if I told Joseph what a jerk Lukas was, but the
more I thought about that idea, the more it felt like he would
think I was running back to him because I couldn’t have Lukas. That
wasn't the case at all, but I wondered if that's how it would
appear.

Was it really my fault that I was a bit slow
on the uptake? Should I really be punished because I didn’t
recognize my feelings for Joseph right away, and because it took a
little longer for me to come around? Well, maybe . . . but still.
Joseph knew how thick-headed I was going into this whole
friendship. He should at least try to be more understanding. But it
didn’t really matter, because now I was determined to make things
right. I would get Joseph to see how sorry I was, or I would bother
him to death trying.

I could feel my mind working overtime on the
perfect way to get him to listen to me, though after what I had
done to him, it might take a bit of a miracle. Before I went to bed
that night, though, I figured I could at least let him know I
wasn’t completely clueless anymore. Picking up my phone, I sent him
one single, solitary text, even though I knew he wouldn't
respond.

You were right.

CHAPTER 22